Tell me one thing about your divorce which you would never have predicted

[NoEffingWaytoSurvive]

For me, it was DS gaining step-brothers and for the first time in his life having playmates. He is so happy and content, and he finally has the siblings infertility meant I couldn't give him biologically.

Good things:

I loved living alone. I’d never done it before and it scared me shitless before I did it but it was amazing. I created a nest of comfort and calm and chintz

The latter was a surprise to me as much as anyone but my ex didn’t let me buy things I liked and I went a bit mad with florals and bows which I’ve toned down since. It was a phase and a happy one.

Friends I hadn’t expected to became a huge source of support.

Getting divorced felt a lot more grown up than getting married had. While I desperately wanted a real adult to swoop in and do stressful things for me I just got on with it and felt good about myself for that.

I got to know myself again and did some work on myself which made my next relationship much happier and healthier. I’m remarried to a man I wouldn’t have got the chance to know if I’d stayed with my ex and life is a million times better. But I was happy on my own first and I haven’t made any bad compromises this time because I’m worth being honest about what I need and find it easier to say so now.

I got to ditch some people I’d ended up being friends with through my ex. I’ve said this on here before but there was one couple I was happy to let him have and found out later he’d ditched too. So we agreed on something at the end

Divorce is obviously an end. Often a painful scary one. You have to let go of the hopes and dreams you had when you got married. You give up the future you grew to assume you’d have. You’ll probably lose some friends, you’ll hopefully gain others. If you haven’t lived on your own it’s daunting but can be brilliant and liberating.

It’s also a beginning. If you’re stuck in an unhappy marriage or find out your spouse isn’t who you thought they were, it’s a chance to start again.

My marriage was so stressful. I had a horribly abusive husband and after 20 years, with the help of my wonderful family I finally got rid of him. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to cope on my own and that I would go off the rails because of my new found freedom but I have changed my life so much, progressed in my career and taken care if my children. The thing that still surprises me and is a knife in my heart is the guilt I feel about the damage done to the kids. It's been nearly 10 years and only yesterday me and my daughter cried together about how awful our lives were. After we split up I felt like I could breathe for the first time. I will never stop feeling guilty about my kids experiences.

Just one? Ok then, I'll gloss over the fact that he turned out to be a massive bellend and go with the fact that I actually love living by myself.
I'd never lived alone before, was dreading it and it was tough to start off with - panic attacks, depression, the works. But now I have my gorgeous nest, decorated and furnished as I want it. I can eat what I want when I want, come and go as I please, have a nap if I feel like it, go to bed at whatever time - sleep on the sofa if that's the way it goes. It took me months to figure out what I wanted to watch on TV as the remote was never mine before. Having a new bathroom fitted was the best - planning it, measuring up, ordering tiles and the suite - I did it all myself and it's lush.

@Orgasmagorical

The absolute joy at being able to do what I want, when I want. I used to dream of being on my own and it's so much better than I ever could have imagined

Oh it's absolutely amazing.

I didn't realise this after the divorce, it was after the relationship AFTER the divorce. Now that there are no small children to bring up I can't imagine why I'd ever want to live with a man again. It just doesn't make any sense.

@AnneLovesGilbert

How many people would feel they had a right to decide and then comment on whether or not my reasons for leaving were good enough for them.

THIS!!

ExH cheated on me. With a teenaged girl. And I actually lost friends who couldn't get past me not taking him back. I suspect they were projecting because they forgave their cheating shitbag husbands and they don't like that I left mine.

Oh and how little the children enjoy being at ex's. When we were together he was fucking useless and would appear for 30 minutes every night like he was a Benidorm residential band, to entertain them in his special Disney Dad way. Daddy was their absolute hero.

Now, and it breaks my heart, they aren't so crazy about him. Because whilst Disney Dad still does pony back rides and tickles, he also can't cope when they have problems, he forgets to feed them (they come back absolutely starving) and he mostly leaves them on the iPads so he can avoid parenting. None of which makes for happy children. So EO Sunday they come home miserable and moody and I have to pick up the pieces of a neglectful weekend

@Hoorayhenryyah the decider for me was actually after he'd already left. He'd done such a marvellous job of wearing down my self esteem that even him leaving me at 8 months pregnant with a toddler wasn't enough to convince me that there wasn't a way back. The death knell came a couple of months later when our tiny baby was rushed to hospital with sepsis, incredibly unwell and he was told in no uncertain terms how serious it was. He ummed and ahhed about how bad it could actually be and then didn't bother to show his face at the hospital until the next day. That was it. Treat me like shit all you want (at the time) but to do that to my baby, unforgivable. I started googling family lawyers whilst still on the ward

Good things: total independence. No questioning of day to day decisions, me and the DCs are a really solid little team and I love running our house in the way I see fit and how it works for us. Not having to really factor in his family drama into any holiday plans or Christmas or anything. Seeing the beautiful relationship my DC have with my parents who have massively stepped up and are amazing, and my youngest DC in particular views my lovely dad as his primary father figure and a better one he couldn't have asked for (might be biased there!) I've never ever liked sharing a bed ever and I STILL get a thrill from not having to! That being said I co-slept with youngest DC for 14 months because it worked and I could and he wasn't there to object. Breastfeed him for 4 years as well because again, he wasn't there to hate breastfeeding and sabotage it at every opportunity like he did with DC1 (who I managed 6 months mixed feeding with). Confidence has hugely returned. I don't take any bullshit. I view myself as the valuable and wonderful person I know I am and I won't settle for anyone who doesn't want a strong and confident woman who is equally happy being on her own. I don't want to be controlled again and it's very cool to think that I don't have to be. I'm getting my career back on track after squashing it for years because he couldn't handle me being successful and wanted me at home with the babies. I don't have to share biscuits once the kids are in bed. I can eat what I want and cook what I want without planning around bizarre fussiness that an adult really should just get over (refusing to try certain vegetables etc). Did I mention total and utter control over Netflix choice? See also music/podcast choice in the car-particularly love that one!

Not so good things: Realizing after I trained to work in the sphere of domestic abuse that my own marriage had been incredibly emotionally abusive and the fucker was just going to get away with it. Always thinking his saving grace was that he was a decent dad but as soon as he broke up with the girlfriend he left me for it became very clear that she'd done all the parenting and he couldn't be bothered. He hasn't seen them since Christmas, has made some noises about reinstating contact (conveniently timed for summer holidays and end of covid restrictions) and I fully expect him to bugger off again come Sept. I'm not standing for this shit much longer and have lots of evidence but still....lawyers are expensive if he can even be arsed to take me to court. DCs are still too young to have a fully Frank conversation about their dads behaviour so I'm still having to be neutral and wait for the scales to fall from their eyes as I've been assured many times they will (here's hoping. He doesn't deserve them)
And errrm, well. Admittedly I have given it the Billy big bollocks about being happy being single and knowing my worth and not settling. But I didn't think it would be quite so difficult to find someone else. I've had one tiny fling in the five years since my exh left. Lasted a couple of months. That's it. Pandemic didn't help of course but good lord the pickings are slim round here. I don't want to travel into London all the time to see someone, I've got kids and shit to do! But living outside of a major city does mean that the pool of availability is quite shallow. Even just for a shag. That's quite annoying. I think I've forgotten how to have sex at this point.

And yes. If one more person tells me they 'know how I feel' because their husband went away for a stag do for a weekend so they've been a single mum for two days I won't be responsible for my actions and not a jury in the land would disagree. See also friends with partners or husbands who help out and are pretty engaged complaining about being tired or having to do a series of boring household tasks or generally being oblivious to the fact that I have to do literally everything and never get to take turns on the shit household stuff and would LOVE to tag out for an afternoon without having to plan ahead and clock watch for when I need to pick the kids up again or pop to the shop just by yelling 'I'm going to the shops' and walking out the door with nothing more than my purse and keys rather than hauling the kids with me etc etc. It's just a bit fucking tone deaf. Find a non lone parent to complain to please.

Overall though. Anything is better than being married to that absolute wankpuffin so cheers to that!

Here endeth my soap box and also possibly therapy session

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I’m part way through a divorce and this is how I know it’s going to be for my kids.
Ex doesn’t have them at his currently (long story but he will soon) but his obsession is “getting them in the garden to play” which they don’t really like.
This is simply so he can either do jobs or sit and watch the tv rather than (as he has to do now) taking them places and interacting with them (plus spending money)

He was always Disney dad, brief, very loud interactions, but had never read or done homework with them. Also believes they don’t need as much food as I give them.

That he wouldn’t pay child maintenance. That I would eventually meet the love of my life and be with someone who adores me.

That the court would take soooo long.

That he would make me fight for a divorce while simultaneously telling everyone he wanted a divorce and I wouldn't give him one while not actually applying for a divorce in the first place who knew that after waiting for 5 years I finally got it put through only for him to disagree with my reasons one of which was the fact that he was engaged to someone else he actually stated yes I am engaged but that has nothing to do with it

He isnt on drugs nor was he drinking there is no rational explanation for that comment

How perceptive the DCs are and how they continue to want nothing to do with him because of his behaviour.
I wish I'd been more like them and less willing to put up with his awfulness.

That he could spin divorce proceedings out for 3 years (and counting!)!! Also that he could suddenly cook/exercise/do things with ds2 without my input

A question for those who are divorced, when did you decide that was what you wanted? How did you know you were making the right decision?

Two years before I actually instigated the split. I knew it was right because the thought of spending the rest of my life with him filled me with dread.

@Hoorayhenryyah

A question for those who are divorced, when did you decide that was what you wanted? How did you know you were making the right decision?

I'll be honest, he made the decision to leave. He abused me in all manner of ways but I couldn't end the marriage because I subconsciously knew that if he didn't want it he would just dismiss what I had said and we'd carry on with me going out of my mind and him doing whatever he liked, although I was the controlling and gaslighting one

I went to a therapist once we had split to try and hurry along the grief (it was a very long marriage) and get on with the happy. He said I wouldn't have ended the marriage because I would have always felt guilty. He couldn't have been more wrong, I wish I had ended it. I wish I'd been strong enough to end it but everything had to be the ex's way, everything, so I have to put up with the fact that the thing that's made me the happiest was still his doing. The shit.

Hooray my now counsellor gave me a great bit of advice - four questions for a decision you're trying to make.

1. What good will come of you doing it?
2. What bad will come of you doing it?
3. What good will come of you not doing it?
4. What bad will come of you not doing it?

Good luck with making your decision, we're here if you want to talk anything over

@CrackOnOrGoHome
Yes! I was also deprived of choice of TV watching. Such a trivial thing on many levels, but so weird when you finally have that control (I still struggle a bit with TV choices).
And also just enjoying being the only adult in the house. Yes it means everything is my responsibility, but things are done on my terms. I used to hate feeling obliged or judged for doing or not doing something and how that sat within my ex's expectations. Yesterday I caught myself strangely enjoying putting the bins out because it was all on my terms!

That my legal fees would reach £41,000.

That he would chose never to work again so I could not get CSA.

That my in laws were 100% behind me. 5 years on and MiL is one of my closest friends. They had seen the way I was treated and felt that we (the children and I) deserved better.

My mil adored my children but she was deeply depressed and used to ruin every Christmas Day. She would be here from 10am - 10pm every year, moaning and grumpy and one year burst into tears as the food was served, saying Christmas isn’t like it used to be.
To be fair, the ex had done all the cooking that year and I felt sad for him! Not sure why I’ve remembered that.
Anyway, not having to factor the ex or his mother in to anything.

@Gilead

That my in laws were 100% behind me. 5 years on and MiL is one of my closest friends. They had seen the way I was treated and felt that we (the children and I) deserved better.

This is similar to my experience. Despite living less than 10 miles away, DS2 didn't even know he had a grandmother until after the divorce.

Ex is estranged from all his family. He tolerated his father, but now hasn't seen him for over 4 years.

I am very close to them all now and I treasure it, especially as both my parents have died.

@Orgasmagorical yes! I wish so much that I'd stood up for myself and kicked him out. I'll never know if he had a physical affair but there was definitely an emotional one and the final month before he left was horrendous. There is nothing more lonely than being that unloved and disrespected within a relationship.
But, you know, I was 8 months pregnant and scared and desperately hoping everything was going to be ok and he was magically going to be the amazing guy I first fell in love with. That guy doesn't exist of course but it took me a long time to realise that.
Still wish I'd kicked the bastard out for my own pride but at least I didn't have to put up with him playing the victim I guess. Although even after he left he wanted to control exactly what I told people about the situation because he didn't want to look bad and have people 'reach the wrong conclusions about him'. Twat.

Wow @MollyBloomYes

Bet it felt G👀D getting that out!! 🌹

Ha @Newestname001 sorry He is being particularly loathsome at the moment and I sort of started typing and it clearly opened some floodgates! I should take up journaling or something 😂

That by moving away with DS, he would get to see more of his dad, precisely because his dad has to make an effort.

Before we left, my ex would assume he could see his son anytime and so would book every weekend out with the boys, playing or watching sport, drinking etc. Weekdays he left the house at 7 and came back at 8. DS barely saw him.

I finally had enough of being ignored, we left, and DS didn't actually notice his dad wasn't there any more, which shows how little he was involved.

It finally got through to ex that we had gone and he now allocates most Sundays to seeing his son. Actually makes the effort to come and spend some time with him.

@Hoorayhenryyah

A question for those who are divorced, when did you decide that was what you wanted? How did you know you were making the right decision?

I had been reluctant to go home after work for some time and then one afternoon went for a drive south of where I worked and the totally opps. direction to where I lived and didn't get home until really late.

Leading up to that, I didn't want to look at him when having sex and felt no attraction and I knew I couldn't do that for the rest of my life.

(In hindsight we should never have married but lived together for a while. We were better as friends.)

I thought perhaps someone in his family or a mutual friend would reach out to see if they could help but all I heard 3rd hand was his eldest brother, and someone he wasn't close to, had a lot to say about me and a ''past'' that never existed.

That hurt a lot, until way down the track, my now DH stood behind former BIL in a shop and heard him giving his wife a workout too, and she was/is lovely.

Finally I guess, is not being able to tell X of my regret that we went as far as we did and that I fell out of love with him. He was/is a decent bloke, just not for me.

What a rubbish dad my XH would turn out to be. I mean, I knew he was a crap husband, but he seemed like an ok dad; turned out I was doing that for him along with everything else.