Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Did I really mess up?

55 replies

lemonsandgingerbeer · 09/07/2021 17:49

Old (good) friend from uni had her second child last October.

We live in different countries so not much chance to see one another. We used to talk on the phone once every couple of months, but the gaps in between chats had been getting longer since she had her first.

I sent a little care package when the new baby was born with some bits for both kids and a box of her favourite chocolates for her.

Since then, we've had one brief chat on the phone, mid-spring time. I've not wanted to keep messaging her because she'd been saying how flat out she was with both kids and had no time for anything, and thought she'd let me know when she felt she had the headspace.

I was thinking of her the other day, though, and dropped her a little text saying:

"Miss you, . Hope everyone's happy and well - was thinking of you today and would be lovely to catch up soon."

I got a message back later that day saying

"If you missed me, you could have called me. Having kids isn't contagious"

I'm really shocked and sad. I don't have kids and don't want them, and she knows that, but I don't dislike them or people who choose to have them.

Was giving her space an insensitive thing to do? Could I have made her feel like I didn't care by not being in touch? Part of me's annoyed at her message, but I'm doubting myself, too.

OP posts:

Vodkabulary · 09/07/2021 17:58

I don’t think you’ve done anything terrible. I have 3 kids, two are 3 and under, my best friend is childless by choice and we do talk less but that’s because we’re both busy however I’m just as capable as her to pick up the phone so. We’ve actually discussed it a few times and we both know we still love and value each other as much just our lives are different now so neither of us is offended if one of us is quiet for a period of time.

I think your friend is prob just being sensitive and maybe is struggling with balancing 2 kids especially in covid times where so much has been restricted. Maybe just message and explain you were giving her space so not to crowd her and you’re sorry that’s upset her

Carrott21 · 09/07/2021 18:01

I think I would have continued to be in touch but have said in my messages not to reply if busy etc. It's a nightmare having little ones and can be really lonely and isolating. Look at it from her perspective. She must have felt dumped during a difficult time.

Squirrelblanket · 09/07/2021 18:06

Oh dear! I am childfree by choice too. This is a little tongue in cheek, but from some of the threads on here it does seem like whatever you do will be wrong. I totally get you giving her space and why, if it helps.

I would just give her a call and explain what you've said here. It sounds like she's feeling a bit overwhelmed and maybe you caught her on a bad day.

Bargebill19 · 09/07/2021 18:06

Communication is a two way thing. She needs reminding of that.
Her playing top trumps over who’s busiest has ensured you hung back to not crowd her. It’s her problem to fix not yours. All you did was respect her wishes - implied or expressed.
Personally, her message comes across as rude and would make me step away even more.

girlmama32 · 09/07/2021 18:10

Maybe she's felt that because you haven't been in touch she couldn't reach out, having kids can be very isolating. That being said communication works both ways.
I'd message back and just say what you've said here, apologies for not being in contact sooner but you assumed she was busy and needed space and that she could have contacted you.

MyFloorIsLava · 09/07/2021 18:13

Its horrible to feel like your friends are ditching you when you have kids. You haven't done anything wrong, but she's fragile right now - having a second child can be hard without a pandemic - and yes, she could have messaged you, but on this occasion I would suggest being the bigger person and messaging to explain what you said above. That she was overwhelmed, and you didn't want to add more pressure to her on top of what she was dealing with, and you'll be in touch more in future, and that you love her and miss her.

Ragdoll27 · 09/07/2021 18:15

She's very rude responding like that. She could have contacted you just as easily as you could have contacted her. Having kids doesn't give anyone top trumps on being busy. Does she even know what is going on in your life at the moment? Has she asked you?

Terrazzo · 09/07/2021 18:16

Nah, she could have called you if she wanted to chat so bad. Sounds like you have to do all the running! Sod that!

Notaroadrunner · 09/07/2021 18:24

What a rude cow. I'd respond something like

"the last time we spoke you mentioned how busy you were so I figured it was best not to be annoying you with calls and texts. You could have contacted me at any stage when you did have time. It works both ways"

Nicolastuffedone · 09/07/2021 18:28

Tell her to get a phone like yours…as well as making outgoing calls, it receives incoming calls too.

MartinaMcBride · 09/07/2021 18:31

I don't think so but I'm also childfree and have lost all my friends when they've had children so I could be biased! Most have stopped messaging/replying to messages, few have said they can't be friends with someone who doesn't have children, one friend was childfree and got pregnant by accident and when she had her baby said she couldn't be friends with childfree people and cut three of us out and one, like your friend, asked all of us in the friendship group not to message her first as she felt bad when she couldn't reply, messages tailed off then stopped and three weeks later we got a voice note from her screaming that we had abandoned her and we were bitches who couldn't be bothered messaging her because we were selfish bitches…

Emimummy · 09/07/2021 18:33

She sounds like she doesn't really care about your feelings with the way she responded to you. Just because she has kids she can't talk to people like crap. I don't think I'd put anymore time into trying to keep that friendship going.

vincettenoir · 09/07/2021 18:41

This isn’t something you can’t get back from. Try to put aside your (justified) annoyance and explain that you had the impression from her she was too busy for regular contact during this period and arrange your next catch up together.

katsounds · 09/07/2021 18:48

She sounds stressed.
Give her a ring and check in. I'm sure she'll feel embarrassed snapping like that and be glad for your call.

TillyTopper · 09/07/2021 18:53

Honestly, I think she's just really stressed and flipped a bit. I'd reply something like "Sorry you feel that way but the last time we spoke you seemed to have so much on I decided to back off a bit to give you some space".

itsgettingwierd · 09/07/2021 18:56

I'm also assuming she has the ability to text or ring you too?

Chloemol · 09/07/2021 18:57

I would just go back and say, neither is nit having kids, you could contact me

Then leave it

Chloemol · 09/07/2021 18:57

Not not nit

PandemicPalava · 09/07/2021 19:00

Sounds like a misunderstanding. Maybe apologise, explain what you were doing from your perspective and hold out an olive branch. She definitely could have contacted you too but if you want to save the friendship maybe make the first move?

WhiskeyNeverStartsToTasteNice · 09/07/2021 19:01

Rude and childish message. Why the hell couldn't she have contacted you??

Cam2020 · 09/07/2021 19:03

If she's a good friend, she could have responded that she'd like to speak soon as she's feeling isolated or whatever it is she's feeling. She could have even messaged or called first!

Tal45 · 09/07/2021 19:09

Wow she was rude, but maybe she's having a tough time (not ok to take it out on you but might be struggling and feeling hurt that she hasn't heard from you). I'd just reply saying 'I'm so sorry I thought you wanted it that way as you said a few times how busy you were with the children. I apologise if I got the wrong end of the stick and would love to catch up.' If she doesn't reply or is rude again I'd just step away, but hopefully she will realise she was just hurt and lashing out and you can move on.

Original poster

lemonsandgingerbeer · 09/07/2021 19:10

@MyFloorIsLava

I get this, but there's being stressed, and then there's being nasty.

No matter how stressed or fragile I am, I would never turn her decision to have kids into something to jab her with.

I think that's what's got to me most –it feels like she's using my choice not to become a mother as a weapon, and that feels shitty far beyond the level of fragile and snappy.

There are SO many ways to phrase "I wish you'd got in touch more" other than basing it on me not wanting kids –but that's the one she chose.

I have no doubt it's horrible to feel like your friends are ditching you when you have kids – and it's equally horrible to feel like your friends are ditching you because you don't.

If I were to speculate, I might think –maybe she's having such a hard time juggling two little ones that she's not wanted to talk to me as someone who doesn't want kids, because she doesn't think I'll understand or that I'll be somehow thinking to myself "Well it's your own fault for having kids" and judging her. So she's stayed out of contact and built it up in her head to the point where I've become the character she's made up, and she's snapped at that version of me, which is not who I am at all.

But while I can try to think that way and 'imagine her side' and 'make allowances', and I am doubting myself a bit, I'm also just that bit too angry to do that.

Maybe I just need to take a while to cool off.

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 09/07/2021 19:21

Yes I think you are right about that. And totally understand that she crossed a line making a thing about you being child free. Cool off. Ultimately the friendship is probably worth saving. Good friends are hard to come by and everyone can be a dick from time to time.

Quirrelsotherface · 09/07/2021 19:48

I do think that saying 'I miss you' is flippant and is said so easily on social media. I've said it back and forth with a few old friends and over a decade later we still haven't met up

Unless she's got previous form for being a rude arse, I would assume here that she is struggling a little with her 2 little ones. It's bloody hard work when they're small, harder than a lot of people admit.

Flip

1 2 3