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Original poster

Did I really mess up?

55 replies

lemonsandgingerbeer · 09/07/2021 17:49

Old (good) friend from uni had her second child last October.

We live in different countries so not much chance to see one another. We used to talk on the phone once every couple of months, but the gaps in between chats had been getting longer since she had her first.

I sent a little care package when the new baby was born with some bits for both kids and a box of her favourite chocolates for her.

Since then, we've had one brief chat on the phone, mid-spring time. I've not wanted to keep messaging her because she'd been saying how flat out she was with both kids and had no time for anything, and thought she'd let me know when she felt she had the headspace.

I was thinking of her the other day, though, and dropped her a little text saying:

"Miss you, . Hope everyone's happy and well - was thinking of you today and would be lovely to catch up soon."

I got a message back later that day saying

"If you missed me, you could have called me. Having kids isn't contagious"

I'm really shocked and sad. I don't have kids and don't want them, and she knows that, but I don't dislike them or people who choose to have them.

Was giving her space an insensitive thing to do? Could I have made her feel like I didn't care by not being in touch? Part of me's annoyed at her message, but I'm doubting myself, too.

OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 09/07/2021 20:35

Well that's just rude ! Jesus, having kids does not stop you communicating with the outside world. I'd probably send her a cool toned text back saying what you said above. Depending on her response I'd go from there. If shes still acting the Martyr then leave her to it.

CorianderBee · 10/07/2021 01:08

I'd have called immediately bc you did nothing wrong but clearly she's feeling upset

Tavelo · 10/07/2021 01:50

Well you haven't messed up at all. To be honest this is a bit conflicting because on the one hand what she has said to you is very rude and unreasonable, but also very much sounding like she is very unhappy, and probably quite jealous of you being childfree. It isn't a reason to jab you. In this situation my action would depend on what the friendship had been like previously. It would depend on how well I understood her personality and whether this rudeness reveals something previously overlooked or whether she is so depressed that she feels the need to provoke others in a cry for help.

Elbie79 · 10/07/2021 02:17

@vincettenoir

Yes I think you are right about that. And totally understand that she crossed a line making a thing about you being child free. Cool off. Ultimately the friendship is probably worth saving. Good friends are hard to come by and everyone can be a dick from time to time.
This is good advice. Very tempting to bite back when she was so bloody rude. But probably worth trying to get past it.
AllyBama · 10/07/2021 02:21

Super rude, you haven’t done anything wrong at all. Communication goes both ways and she was just as welcome to get in contact with you. I honestly wouldn’t reply to that, I’d let her stew and either wait for her to apologise after realising what a shit thing that was to say or just let the friendship go, if that’s what she really thinks of you.

PairOfPears · 10/07/2021 02:42

I can see both sides here and agree with pp that this is salvageable if you’re willing to forgive the comment about not wanting kids.

It sounds like the constant projecting about busyness was maybe a poorly communicated signal that she needed more help and support, not less. She may have felt hurt that she was telling you how tough things were and you pulled away.

Only you can decide how you want to move forward and you’re perfectly entitled to go either way!

Original poster
lemonsandgingerbeer · 10/07/2021 08:24

@Tavelo

Well you haven't messed up at all. To be honest this is a bit conflicting because on the one hand what she has said to you is very rude and unreasonable, but also very much sounding like she is very unhappy, and probably quite jealous of you being childfree. It isn't a reason to jab you. In this situation my action would depend on what the friendship had been like previously. It would depend on how well I understood her personality and whether this rudeness reveals something previously overlooked or whether she is so depressed that she feels the need to provoke others in a cry for help.
I think this is part of what I'm concerned about –if this is genuinely how she feels about my choice not to have kids, and she's always going to harbour some kind of expectation that I'm judging her and her decisions, I'd feel uncomfortable trying to continue the friendship.

I love her to pieces, but I also know how differences like these can drive a wedge between people and I'm not up for hanging myself on the sharp end.

I slowed down contact with her after her first baby because frankly it was really hard to ever catch her at a time when I didn't feel like I was disturbing her –if I called she'd always be right in the middle of a nappy change, or her DS would be crying, or she'd need to put the phone down every three sentences to sort something...

So rather than always being one more thing for her to deal with (and me getting nothing out of it along the way), I figured I'd let her let me know when good moments to talk were.

And there seemed to be less and less of them.

And then her DD arrived, and after my first few messages went unanswered I started to imagine her seeing them arrive on her phone and thinking to herself "FFS, another thing to add to my list"

We're in different countries –I can't just pop over and give her a hand. Phone calls is all we have. But if that turns me into an inconvenience for her, I'm not sure how much more I can do. It's not like I can ring her to 'talk it out' and really understand how she's feeling –we can't get much past the weather in our conversations before someone's pooped their pants or walked into the corner of the coffee table Smile. And that's not her fault, but it's also not mine.

I'd be willing to forgive the comment if I knew it wasn't a sign of something bigger between us that wasn't going to go away.

But if it's a feeling that's festered in her for a while and I'm always going to be its symbol, I'd worry we're too far gone already.

OP posts:
Tavelo · 10/07/2021 09:58

Yes, your idea about her seeing you as an ambassador for childfree living is plausible. It doesn't excuse the rudeness and you're not obliged to respond to it.

Are you in different countries because she moved away? Living abroad and having children can both be very alienating. I think that although how she's spoken to you is unacceptable, it's worth remembering that we become more irrational when we are lonely. And we can be most rude and unpleasant to those are closest to. It may be the case that your friendship will become easier once the children are older, like all relationships have limitations. If of course you're willing to persevere.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 10:09

I don't think her comment is actually a dig at your choice not to have children.

Who called the last time? It might seem redundant but I've had friends who I've made the effort with who've stopped responding since I've had children.

Text back with your reason for not calling and see what happens?

ThursdayWeld · 10/07/2021 10:12

She sounds very touchy, and rude. Is she normally that much hard work?

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 10:16

What a nasty bitch. I'd rethink the "friendship."

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 10:16

@Carrott21

I think I would have continued to be in touch but have said in my messages not to reply if busy etc. It's a nightmare having little ones and can be really lonely and isolating. Look at it from her perspective. She must have felt dumped during a difficult time.
Presumably she has a phone too.
AnnaSW1 · 10/07/2021 10:21

I think she's extremely rude (and I have small children. I know how it is).

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 10:24

@AllyBama

Super rude, you haven’t done anything wrong at all. Communication goes both ways and she was just as welcome to get in contact with you. I honestly wouldn’t reply to that, I’d let her stew and either wait for her to apologise after realising what a shit thing that was to say or just let the friendship go, if that’s what she really thinks of you.

I would not reply either.

Many people rear two children without becoming rude, insulting martyrs. She was free to check in with you at any time and chose not to.

Leave her to her own sour little life.

MyFloorIsLava · 10/07/2021 10:56

Some people here are seriously unforgiving. OP you have a choice. You can swallow your hurt and reach out to see if your friendship can be salvaged. Or you can write it off here and now. You might regret doing the first. You'll definitely regret the second.

Bluntness100 · 10/07/2021 11:04

@MyFloorIsLava

Some people here are seriously unforgiving. OP you have a choice. You can swallow your hurt and reach out to see if your friendship can be salvaged. Or you can write it off here and now. You might regret doing the first. You'll definitely regret the second.
100 percent

It’s not a coincidence so many people on here say they have no friends, lonely etc and conversely encourage others to kick anyone who remotely slights them into touch. The two are clearly linked.

Op just go back to her and say I’m sorry I was giving you space, I’d love to catch up, when are you free.

She’s clearly of the opinion you’ve dropped her since she had her kids.

Original poster
lemonsandgingerbeer · 10/07/2021 11:49

@girlmom21 I don't think her comment is actually a dig at your choice not to have children

Interesting perspective. How else do you interpret 'kids aren't contagious'?

The last one to call was me. As it was the time before that, and the time before that.

If you read my most recent post you'll see the history of how things have been –I certainly haven't stopped responding to her, but I have stopped always being the first to initiate contact because there's just never a good time.

How often am I meant to call and get hung up on / "sorry I'm in the middle of"ed (and then never hear back) before I start to feel like I'm just another annoyance?

Like I've said, I love her to bits. She's been a big part of my life in the past. I'm not about to cut her off forever over this, but I am sad about it, and annoyed, and it feels like there's only so much I can do.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 11:53

@lemonsandgingerbeer I don't know why your response to me is so angry.

'Kids aren't contagious' means you can still talk to her regardless of your current status, not 'I don't think you care anymore because you don't want children and I have them'.

If you're the person who's made the most effort, go back to her and say exactly that.
Every time you've tried to make an effort she's thrown it back on your face so you've given her the freedom to reach out and she's chosen not to.

Realistically, it sounds like this friendship has run its course.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 10/07/2021 11:58

She’s being unreasonable given that you have tried to maintain contact. Perhaps she’s forgotten the efforts you have made. And most probably you caught her at a moment yesterday when she was having a shit day/struggling to cope/managing post natal depression - there’s lots that could be going on her end. Doesn’t excuse the rude text back to you though but might explain her state of mind. I wouldn’t give up on the friendship but I wouldn’t skim over the response she sent.

CandyLeBonBon · 10/07/2021 12:04

I read 'kids aren't contagious' as 'I know I've got kids but I'm still the same person, don't avoid me just because I've got kids'

I certainly didn't read it as a dig about your decision to be child free at all!

CandyLeBonBon · 10/07/2021 12:05

Not that it excuses her rudeness by the way

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 12:06

Why is it always the childfree who have to suck it up and pander to people with kids??

OP has tried repeatedly to maintain contact yet been rebuffed -- and still many here are telling her to give "friend " YET another break.

Being a parent is not license to be rude and inconsiderate with no consequences.

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/07/2021 12:07

She's a rude ratbag. Phones work both ways.

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 12:08

@MyFloorIsLava

Some people here are seriously unforgiving. OP you have a choice. You can swallow your hurt and reach out to see if your friendship can be salvaged. Or you can write it off here and now. You might regret doing the first. You'll definitely regret the second.

How many instances of rudeness and self-centeredness is the OP supposed to overlook and "forgive"??

Being a parent is not a permanent pass to be selfish and nasty.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/07/2021 12:12

No but everyone can be a dick when they’re stressed, to a greater or lesser extent.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong - she’s in the wrong. If you want to salvage the friendship, you have to be honest with her now: ‘it’s been me doing all the work in the friendship reaching out to you, and you never instigate us getting in touch: I’m only human, I got the impression you were too busy.’

She has been very unfair and is lashing out. It’s up to you whether you give her a chance or not.