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Original poster

How to support a friend who is about to lose custody of her DC?

53 replies

Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 19:38

For a range of reasons a friend of mine might be about to lose custody of her child. The social workers report is pretty damning, and is arguably slanted, though not factually incorrect. The court hearing is next week.

She's very vulnerable and low about it all. How on earth to we support her to accept the court ruling and move forward in a positive way? The child hasn't been living with her for the best part of a year now, but understandably she only viewed it as a temporary arrangement and has always been convinced she'll get him back. I'm just not sure she will now Sad

OP posts:
Divineswirls · 08/07/2021 19:43

Find her a good lawyer

OddshoesOddsocks · 08/07/2021 19:46

There must be very good reasons why this is happening, would she accept support from you to tackle the issues that have lead to this?

Original poster
Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 19:49

@Divineswirls she can't afford a lawyer and it's too late for legal aid.

OP posts:

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Family law
Original poster
Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 19:50

@OddshoesOddsocks

There must be very good reasons why this is happening, would she accept support from you to tackle the issues that have lead to this?
We've had some vetbfrank conversations and she makes all the right noises and then continues to make she same bloody awful choices. It's soooo frustrating.
OP posts:
Rosebud21 · 08/07/2021 19:52

There might be some good advice here www.cafcass.gov.uk/

JaninaDuszejko · 08/07/2021 19:53

The two most common reasons for a woman having a child removed are that she is either in a relationship with a violent man or she is neglecting her child. Is there a reliable family member that could become the child's main carer? That is probably her best hope now.

SalsaLove · 08/07/2021 19:55

There’s nothing you can do except to be there for her to talk when she needs to. That’s it. She’s not helping herself for whatever reason, drugs or a bad partner, and you can’t force her to see reason. This happened to my neighbour who was very vulnerable and then moved a man in. After six months or more she lost her children. SS were concerned with reason that the children might become targets for grooming.

AntiSocialDistancer · 08/07/2021 20:00

If you can afford the time you should sit down with her and this thread and do every action recommended to get her proper legal support for the case. Both mum and kid deserves a thorough and fair hearing.

If you think she's not getting that try and help her first.

LadyJaye · 08/07/2021 20:01

Does she have any additional needs that you could help her get support for?

As a PP said, there are very specific reasons why SS permanently remove parental rights and it may be that you could help with development in those areas?

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 08/07/2021 20:04

If the children are unsafe with her then removing them is the right thing.

GreenCrayon · 08/07/2021 20:04

We've had some very frank conversations and she makes all the right noises and then continues to make she same bloody awful choices. It's soooo frustrating.

In which case it's very unlikely he will be returned to her care and deep down she must know that.

I would try to be there for her when the inevitable happens and offer a shoulder to cry on and a person to vent to. However as much as it hurts her it equally sounds like it will be positive for him as hopefully he finally gets some stability and certainty.

FootballisComingHome · 08/07/2021 20:05

Please consider the well-being of the child, as well as your friend.

If the child was being neglected/ abused, and your friend hasn't learned her lesson, then should the boy really be going back? He deserves happiness too.

TheSockMonster · 08/07/2021 20:06

There’s nothing you can do except to be there for her to talk when she needs to. That’s it.

Sadly, this is most likely to be the truth. I have experience of something similar.

Assuming he is living with family or in a long term fostering arrangement and that some access will remain, I would reassure her that she will always be her DS’s mother regardless of where he lives and remind her that her DS needs her to be strong for him.

She might find it helpful to start a savings account or something for his future.

girlmom21 · 08/07/2021 20:19

Support her by being there to listen but be honest with her too.

Realistically, if the child safer/happier away from her?

Can she get therapy or help from professionals to resolve her problems?

Could you do anything to facilitate visits with the child as a 'responsible adult'?

NonShallot · 08/07/2021 20:23

OP it might help if you can give a bit more detail about why her little lad is being taken into care. Is it unsuitable men? Abuse/neglect? Mental health issues, drink, drunks? We might be able to give more constructive and practical advice if we know more about the situation.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 08/07/2021 20:23

This is happening g to my friend too , her husband was abusive but ve known worse husbands and parents!! I think after baby p they can't be too careful sadly for your friend .

Pebbledashery · 08/07/2021 20:26

I'm going through the family court now with an extremely violent and abusive ex.. I feel for your friend. All you can do is just be there for her.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 08/07/2021 20:30

Everyone gets legal aid for care proceedings. It isn’t means tested in care proceedings. It is not too late for legal aid. She really really needs a lawyer ASAP and that is the single most critical thing she can do.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 08/07/2021 20:41

Everyone gets legal aid for care proceedings.

If this is true there's probably a lot you can do to help your friend.

Grainjar · 08/07/2021 20:42

I would focus on supporting her with the bad choices, I'm guessing drugs and/or violent dp. Until those are resolved, there isn't any hope of the DC coming back into her care sadly. They might allow contact though and the DC will make their own choices once they're 18.

NOTANUM · 08/07/2021 20:42

It sounds like your friend isn't fighting so at some level accepts she isn't coping. Assuming there is no abuse, does she have depression or other MH issues that mean she has given up working to keep them?

As a friend, this must be so frustrating for you.

Radio4ordie · 08/07/2021 20:43

[quote Dauphinois]@Divineswirls she can't afford a lawyer and it's too late for legal aid.
[/quote]
In a similar situation but in a work context rather than a friend, I found a legal aid family solicitor for someone I was supporting whose children were at threat of being removed on the Monday for a Tuesday hearing. It is possible.

ImFree2doasiwant · 08/07/2021 20:45

We've had some vetbfrank conversations and she makes all the right noises and then continues to make she same bloody awful choices. It's soooo frustrating.

I see this all the time (indirectly, I'm not a social worker) through work .

As pp said, all you can do is be there for her. It's a very difficult position to be in.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 08/07/2021 20:52

Honestly? Encourage her to be on long term contraceptive and not to try and fill the hole with another baby.

lakesummer · 08/07/2021 21:03

She will already have a lawyer.

Every parent involved in a social care case at court is given a lawyer.

The case wouldn't be heard if the birth mother didn't have legal representation.

The dc also has their own lawyer.

All you can do is be there and listen OP.
If she is making choices then she is choosing her own path.

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