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Original poster

How to support a friend who is about to lose custody of her DC?

53 replies

Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 19:38

For a range of reasons a friend of mine might be about to lose custody of her child. The social workers report is pretty damning, and is arguably slanted, though not factually incorrect. The court hearing is next week.

She's very vulnerable and low about it all. How on earth to we support her to accept the court ruling and move forward in a positive way? The child hasn't been living with her for the best part of a year now, but understandably she only viewed it as a temporary arrangement and has always been convinced she'll get him back. I'm just not sure she will now

OP posts:

Seesawmummadaw · 08/07/2021 21:06

I think now all you can do is be there for her. Listen to her and hug her. It sounds like it’s gone past the point where you can do anything proactive. Just be a friend x

Thelnebriati · 08/07/2021 21:17

If I was your friend I would be concerned about you. It sounds like she makes enough of the right sort of noises to make you think you are making a difference and keep you hooked; but then she doesn't actually do anything for herself.
Ask yourself where your line is. Decide on it now. If she falls pregnant, will you go through all this again? If she ends up homeless, will you put her up 'just until she gets on her feet'?

Whatinthelord · 08/07/2021 21:25

Similar to what others have suggested. You could support with.
*accessing legal advice/support and helping her understand and follow their advice
*working in any underlying issues that led to her child being removed.
*focus on how she can make the contact that she does have positive. What does she do during contact time/calls/letters so that they are helpful for her child.

Just make sure you only give as much as you are happy to give though and don’t drain yourself by over helping. Also Don’t try to force her to do anything as ultimately she will need to make the change herself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Family law

Aknifewith16blades · 08/07/2021 21:29

www.pause.org.uk/ might give you some ideas.

CoralSparkles · 08/07/2021 21:38

It sounds like SS have given your friend several chances, but she continues to neglect/abuse her son. There is nothing you can do.

The little boy deserves to be brought up in a safe and loved environment, with all his needs taken care of. It sounds like this isn’t the case at the moment.

Maybeitsme5 · 08/07/2021 21:39

I've known people go through this, it's incredibly difficult to see.

In one case the mother was a young girl trapped in an abusive relationship and no other support, the baby was removed immediately at birth and adopted. She never stood a chance.

The other person I know is a woman in her 30's with an incredibly supportive family and support network who's 5th child is in foster care pending adoption because she just won't cut ties with the bastard man jointly responsible for the other 4 children being taken away and keeps having children to him. Domestic violence both ways, substance misuse and criminal activity.

I have a huge amount of empathy for some of these mothers like my example #1 who has gone on to make something of her life and has a good (albeit limited) relationship with the adopters and her birth child by proxy - but less so for mothers like example #2

OP all you can do is support your friend as best you can .

Lilymossflower · 08/07/2021 21:43

Sounds like she won't get him back. So the next best thing would be one of the grandparents becoming his legal carer so the child can still have a closeish relationship with her. If that's not possible then I expect contact centre visits will be the way forward to see him

Maybeitsme5 · 08/07/2021 21:48

What is the local authorities proposed plan OP?

Is he going to be in long term fostering / in the care of a relative or will be be adopted?

Pastnowfuture · 08/07/2021 22:06

She needs and is entitled to legal representation. Even if a Judge decides the child cannot safely be returned to her care there are other significant matters to discuss in court - who will care for the child, will she still have contact with the child and how often, will the child be placed for adoption etc. She needs someone properly qualified to help her navigate the legal process.

PAUSE is a charity that can help support women whose children are no longer in their care.

BroccoliStinksOfAss · 08/07/2021 22:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

toocold54 · 08/07/2021 22:12

If she’s making awful choices then I couldn’t support her but if she is turning her life around and trying then I’d be telling her how she can show them this life change and apply for custody in a few months time.

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2021 22:13

Is she telling you she has no legal representation? What's the reason, is she saying she hasn't bothered to do anything, or trying to say that she's not allowed?

RaindropsOnRosie · 08/07/2021 22:13

If she still isn't or is unable to change to make her situation better with the threat of him being taken away, it's unlikely to change after he is taken away. And he deserves to be safe and loved in a different environment.

Make sure she has MH support lined up in case she needs it- helplines, charities or NHS. If she's allowed to see him and doesn't go, don't push it.

If you feel unable to support her you are not a bad friend for walking away.

DocDog · 08/07/2021 22:17

I'm guessing it's drugs or a violent man.

Original poster

Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 22:27

@DocDog

I'm guessing it's drugs or a violent man.

That's basically it. Man gone for now but has form for making terrible choices of partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 22:36

Thanks all, lots of food for thought. Child will be with the father, she has unsupervised contact eow plus the odd evening. They live about 45 mins apart, she's working. He's not whiter then white either but has his shit together better then her right now.

She needs to figure out her role in the child's life, how it can be meaningful and involved without daily contact, and how to co parent effectively with her ex without animosity poisoning everything. Quite a tall order given their present situation and I know she'll rely on me a lot, no family etc. Eeek.

OP posts:

lilmishap · 08/07/2021 23:04

Be prepared to step in and insist she does the basics when it happens. Washing, sleeping at night, eating.

Be alert to desperation which may fling her into the arms of trouble...the law...drugs...alcohol. But know you can't live her life for her

Theres nothing else you can do. She may be in denial until it actually happens and when it does she may go into freefall

Original poster

Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 23:17

@lilmishap

Be prepared to step in and insist she does the basics when it happens. Washing, sleeping at night, eating.

Be alert to desperation which may fling her into the arms of trouble...the law...drugs...alcohol. But know you can't live her life for her

Theres nothing else you can do. She may be in denial until it actually happens and when it does she may go into freefall

It's the free fall that worries me

She will, without a doubt.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2021 23:21

So the man who's caused the child to be removed isn't their father? And she still chose them over her child? (Not that choosing your child's father over them would make it any better) but your OP read like they were going into care, not that they lived with their dad.

Original poster

Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 23:47

@MichelleScarn

Sorry, didn't mean to mislead. Yes, child has been with the father and it looks like he'll get permanent custody next week based on the social workers report. It's been a temporary arrangement up until now while they thrash it out, but there's no suggestion of the child going into care.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dauphinois · 08/07/2021 23:49

She split up with dodgy bloke a few months ago now but it's raised questions about the choices she makes. There's a back story, as there always is. She thought that as long as she ditched dodgy bloke, all would be well but it's not as simple as that.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 08/07/2021 23:52

I would try and impress upon her how important it is that she stays together for the contact. Every other weekend and the odd evening may not sound a lot, but it could be less, and showing that she can be responsible and together for these times is building trust between her and her son. She should think of it as fortunate that she is still able to have this unsupervised contact and try to build a strong foundation to where there’s a possibility of more contact again.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2021 23:58

@FootballisComingHome

Please consider the well-being of the child, as well as your friend.

If the child was being neglected/ abused, and your friend hasn't learned her lesson, then should the boy really be going back? He deserves happiness too.

Tbf to op she hasn't asked how to fight for him, bit how to support her friend when he is inevitably removed permanently

Fiddliestofsticks · 09/07/2021 00:10

This really isnt as bad as you made it appear in the OP.

Her child is not being taken away from her, never to be seen again. The boy is just going to live with his father, who is providing a better home for him. Your friend still gets to see him and contact will be increased if she gets her act together so she isnt losing her child. He's living with dad and she has access. That's the same for hundreds of parents; 25% of families are single parent families, and a lot of those kids have weekend contact with their other parent. It really is a very normal arrangement and the limited contact will not be forever.

Support her by reminding her of upcoming visits, planning what she can do with him. Help her by doing what you can to keep her from ending up with another bad guy. I had a friend like that and our other friends and I had a sort of rota to keep her company almost every evening to stop her going out with the guy again. It took a few months but she broke out of her obsession with him.

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2021 07:00

What came first, splitting up with dodgy guy or wanting her son back? Did she initiate the split?

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