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Original poster

How do you cope with the sheer terror of going out with your learner driver DC?

81 replies

fairyhouse · 08/07/2021 08:52

Or is it just me? He's had 6 lessons of 2 hours each and seems to be making good progress. But I just cannot relax in the car with him driving! I'll admit to being a control freak, and I seem unable to stop myself clutching the sides or shooting my brake foot out! Poor DS. But he just seems very erratic still and it's making those quick decisions that experienced drivers don't even think about. My DH is calmer with him but works away a lot so I do need to somehow get over it!

OP posts:
redtshirt50 · 08/07/2021 09:07

I HATED being in the car with my mum when I was learning to drive so the feeling is probably mutual! She was so critical of me all the time it drove me insane.

What worked for us is that we mainly practiced maneuvers / only drove when the roads were really quiet. That way she was never scared that I was going to kill her.

I had a hard time with a few of the maneuvers so being able to practice with my mum freed up time in my actual lessons to do more driving and harder routes.

frostymornings · 08/07/2021 09:09

Thank you that sounds familiar! Good idea to practise manoeuvres. I was going to say I do try not to be critical but being completely honest that's probably not true. We are very similar personalities too which doesn't help.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 08/07/2021 09:13

I asked my daughter’s driving instructor to tell me when he felt she was competent to go out with me. It’s very different when you’re in a car that doesn’t have dual control I think. Every time was a white knuckle ride and I’d hang on to the handle. Hated it.

I’m not sure anything would have improved things. Teenagers might listen to a driving instructor, but not to a parent.

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Driving & parking
Scarby9 · 08/07/2021 09:15

My dad used to put the handbreak on! Really disconcerting when you are driving along.
I much much much preferred driving with my instructor who was calm and patient.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 08/07/2021 09:16

It's a few years off for me but I've been wondering about this. I am by nature a bit stressy and shouty, so I think it will be very quiet areas and manoeuvres in empty car park only for me. I guess one plus is that I always drive an old banger, and am not precious about cosmetic damage!

blahblahblah321 · 08/07/2021 09:19

My DS is currently learning and I convinced myself there was no way in a million years I'd be able to go out with him - we live in a busy large town with dual carriageways, one way systems and loads of roundabouts.

DS had 3 lessons (6 hours) and then it was really easy! He's now 18 hours in and has picked driving up easy, he drives me everywhere now. We've had a couple of issues, but nothing major, so it's actually not as bad as I thought!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 08/07/2021 09:24

you shouldn't if you can't trust them. My mum was a nervous wreck taking me out and I vowed never again!

superduster · 08/07/2021 09:27

I supervised DH when he was a learner fine. When I was learning I couldn't go out with my Mum as she was too nervous being in the car with a learner. If your DH handles it better, why not give him the job?

steppemum · 08/07/2021 09:28

well, to start with, until he is safe to drive without a dual control car, you should not be out in traffic with him.

I did LOTS of driving with ds.
We went to a quiet street with no cars, and he practised one thing.
So, before he had any lessons, he spent time in a deserted street just learning how to move off from stationary.

Once he had a couple of lessons, we spent an hour just going round the block. Turn left, drive straight, turn left drive straight. Then turn right drive straight.

One skill, deserted road.

Then we added more in as he learnt it. We practised what he had learnt in his lesson.
The last thing we did was enter traffic.

If you do not have this sort of quiet street where you can drive without other cars, then... don't.

Ds only had 10 lesson because of all the practice we did in between. A huge amount of early driving is mastering the physical skill of the car, and only when that is comfortable to they pay enough attention to the road. So use your time with him to speed up the physical side, and let the instructor teach the road traffice side initially.

Once he was driving in traffic safely, he basically drove everywhere all the time. Every time I went out, he came too and drove short journeys, long journeys, round the block, to the shops. Every time we went to a car park he parked 4 or 5 timesbefore we went in to the shop, to practise parking.

BarbaraPapa · 08/07/2021 09:28

I found a very very quiet industrial estate with lots of small roundabouts. It also had a few useful skips for reverse parking. It felt a bit like driving round Trumpton but at least it kept us both calm.

namechange90832 · 08/07/2021 09:29

It isn't necessary to go out with a parent, if you can't relax it's likely to do more damage than good. Either leave it to the instructor and your DH if he's calmer, or at least do as someone else suggests and wait for the go ahead from the instructor.

I went out with my mum once, once was enough! I still managed to pass fine having only had formal lessons.

TiredButDancing · 08/07/2021 09:30

A little tough love here - get over yourself - being a terrified teacher is NOT going to help your DS learn to drive.

Having said that, I also think there's a tendency to throw teenagers into driving all over before they have enough experience. My dad taught me, no driving instructors, but it was a while before we drove together on "proper" roads (and he was a "tough" instructor vs most of my friends). We spent at least two weeks driving around our leafy sort of estate in big loops for an hour at a time, for example. All of which I think also helps to get the parent more comfortable.

SometimesIFeedTheSparrows · 08/07/2021 09:30

You hold onto the "oh god" handle and make the sign of the cross whilst saying a Hail Mary under your breath.

namechange90832 · 08/07/2021 09:31

well, to start with, until he is safe to drive without a dual control car, you should not be out in traffic with him.

Just to say not everyone learns in dual control cars, unless the rules have changed, my DH learned in his own car with an instructor but obviously didn't have dual control. Made lessons much cheaper!

Parky04 · 08/07/2021 09:33

Never went in a car with either DC whilst they were learning. Left it to the driving instructor!

frostymornings · 08/07/2021 09:36

@SometimesIFeedTheSparrows

You hold onto the "oh god" handle and make the sign of the cross whilst saying a Hail Mary under your breath.
Probably the most useful advice so farGrinGrin
frostymornings · 08/07/2021 09:39

His instructor has specifically said he needs to get practise in which is why I have tried. I'd love to get over myself whoever helpfully suggested but not all of us are blessed with that ability. I think for now will continue to get DH to take him whenever possible and I'll wait until he's more confident. I definitely intended to do loads with him and envisaged him driving to work/college etc. But the reality is a bit different!

MotherofTerriers · 08/07/2021 09:42

Somewhere very quiet and practice manoeuvres. Or, one of the big car hire companies hires out dual control cars by the hour, much cheaper. Than an instructor and you get a brake

FVFrog · 08/07/2021 09:44

Yep, hang onto the handle, brake for them in the passenger footwell and try and resist the temptation to pull on the handbrake! I’ve sat with all three of mine, absolutely hated it, it’s the most stressful experience Grin

imaginethemdragons · 08/07/2021 09:48

Deep breaths.
Push through your bottom.
Voice low.
Big car parks.
Short journeys.

Of course, in your head, the voices can be screaming bloody blue murder at each other.
But
On your surface, calm, smile, remember, deep breaths & push through your bottom.

Summerleaves · 08/07/2021 09:50

My son and I have a pact that I will not step foot in a car he's driving until he's at least a few years in to having his licence.

We both know it would be a complete disaster

My husband will be fine (I think) and they've planned a few small drives.

My mother,father and brother all disowned me after taking me out to practice and I had to just do driving lessons. They were all flabbergasted when I passed first time!

My mother used to cling to the door handle til her knuckles turned white and my father would slam the imaginary brakes on on his side of the car.

Good times.

SupermanInk · 08/07/2021 09:51

I refuse to do it. I still remember it when it was me being the learner with my parents. It was awful and I swore then that I would never do it if I ever had children. I’ve stuck to it. It’s well worth the extra money to an instructor rather than risk the arguments and terror.

But if you absolutely have to, then this advice is good,

You hold onto the "oh god" handle and make the sign of the cross whilst saying a Hail Mary under your breath.

🤣🤣🤣

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/07/2021 09:53

I don't
I get dh to do it

frostymornings · 08/07/2021 09:54

Well you've all cheered me up with your advice and good humour so thank you, at least I'm not alone!

NewYearNewTwatName · 08/07/2021 09:55

I really really struggle, DH is better so try to let them get on with it.

on one occasion we had a massive row about neutral and hand brake on at traffic lights..........

I've since googled and we were both right apparently. Confused

I am a control freak with driving too, on long journeys as a passenger I won't sleep or nap, as I like to be aware of everything going on around us.

It is my worst nightmare being in car with a learner driver.