How do you cope with the sheer terror of going out with your learner driver DC?

[fairyhouse]

Or is it just me? He's had 6 lessons of 2 hours each and seems to be making good progress. But I just cannot relax in the car with him driving! I'll admit to being a control freak, and I seem unable to stop myself clutching the sides or shooting my brake foot out! Poor DS. But he just seems very erratic still and it's making those quick decisions that experienced drivers don't even think about. My DH is calmer with him but works away a lot so I do need to somehow get over it!

My dad is a driving instructor and his heart sinks whenever a pupil says they've been 'practicing with parents' because for he needs to teach them how to pass a test, but on private practice they either a) pick up bad habits that are harder to break when not spotted right away or b) the parents think they know better and give 'tips' to their DC that are utter bollocks for the purposes of passing said test.

There's an important distinction between learning to drive and learning to pass the driving test. Actually, you mostly learn to drive AFTER your test. Leave it to the instructors.

A combination of instructors and a family friend taught me how to drive - my parents and I were literally dysfunctional in the car. One drive, I pulled over and walked home, I couldn't handle my mum haha.

Once I was fairly good as a junior driver, worked well with my parents.

I do second paying an instructor - mine was amazing and I was one of the few in my group who passed the test first go.

Ds 20 now gets in the car with me driving and mimics what I was like when he was learning to drive, so lots of clutching the door, shouting brake, slow down, corner, on coming car!!!

@SupermanInk

I refuse to do it. I still remember it when it was me being the learner with my parents. It was awful and I swore then that I would never do it if I ever had children. I’ve stuck to it. It’s well worth the extra money to an instructor rather than risk the arguments and terror.

But if you absolutely have to, then this advice is good,

You hold onto the "oh god" handle and make the sign of the cross whilst saying a Hail Mary under your breath.

🤣🤣🤣

My view exactly. I hated learning to drive with my Dad teaching me. It just caused sooo much tension between us and definitely wasn't our finest hour. Bad for our relationship for those few months, although it slowly recovered after I passed (first time) and no longer had to drive with him.

I decided then and there that I would not subject my children to that. They would have to have an instructor because really, I just couldn't do it. I would rather we continued to have a good relationship and get on with each other. That is much more important to all of us.

DH had a similar experience with his mother when he was learning to drive. She even threw him out of the car at one stage. So it hasn't been for him either.

Parents teaching their own children to drive isn't always the best thing for family relationships.

I couldn’t afford lessons for my DS so had to teach him from scratch.

It’s the only time ever I’ve really had to shout at him (he was a bloody know all at 17), made him get out of the car etc. That was only the once, about 5 lessons in.

Not sure I could

Maybe after a lot of lessons

Is it only MN where people require dozens of professional lessons? I didn’t even know they sold them in blocks. I had 5 and my son had 2 to learn the observations properly before his test.

How are all these 17 year olds able to afford 10+ lessons? What is wrong with them that it is taking so long ?!

@Hen2018

I couldn’t afford lessons for my DS so had to teach him from scratch.

It’s the only time ever I’ve really had to shout at him (he was a bloody know all at 17), made him get out of the car etc. That was only the once, about 5 lessons in.

We couldn't either. They all had part time jobs and funded it themselves with a small contribution at first gifted from us.

It's terrifying isn't it. I find myself flinching although I try really hard not to. The approach to roundabouts scares me for some reason even though he's perfectly safe. I've asked him if I make him nervous and he says no, but his dad offered to take him out as well and I told him no way, that would not go well.

What is wrong with them that it is taking so long ? - @Hen2018 that's a bit rude. My DS started learning just before the first lock down so lessons have been very inconsistent. Plus, it takes him a while to grasp things so no way would he be test ready in 10 lessons. I couldn't care less if he needs loads and loads of lessons, as long as he's safe and confident then that's the main thing. There's nothing "wrong with him", he just takes a while to get there with certain things. Give him a flat pack to build, a house to paint etc etc and he's there straight away.

@Hen2018

Is it only MN where people require dozens of professional lessons? I didn’t even know they sold them in blocks. I had 5 and my son had 2 to learn the observations properly before his test.

How are all these 17 year olds able to afford 10+ lessons? What is wrong with them that it is taking so long ?!

Very rude and ignorant post.

My DDs have learned to drive at 22, 20 and almost 18. They self funded through part time jobs and were not taught by us. Believe me, if I had tried to teach them or even given them any practice we wouldn't still be on speaking terms. I absolutely know that I am not capable of handling the stress of it, so I have not gone out with them at all. Each probably took around 6 months to come to test standard.

I took about 9 months to learn to drive. I was 17. It was under duress from my parents and my Dad taught me. He took me out almost every day and I am grateful for the amount of time he gave up for me. However, he was always a very highly strung person and that got even worse when he was trying to teach me to drive. It just wasn't a good dynamic and caused a huge amount of tension. I dreaded every day. We probably both did. I had to pay for driving lessons in order to bolster my confidence because the shouting and nervousness between my Dad and I destroyed it.

Some people take naturally to driving. Others don't but can often get there in the end. I fall into the latter category.

There's nothing wrong with any of us, thank you very much.

@Hen2018

Is it only MN where people require dozens of professional lessons? I didn’t even know they sold them in blocks. I had 5 and my son had 2 to learn the observations properly before his test.

How are all these 17 year olds able to afford 10+ lessons? What is wrong with them that it is taking so long ?!

Because the test is much harder now and there is 50% more traffic that there was when I took my test. In my day there were people who could manage it in 10 (hour) lessons plus practice with parents. I had around 30 hours but I couldn't practice with my parents because (a) my mum had an automatic and (b) my dad had a company car (though he did take me to a industrial estate one Sunday and get me to practice manoeuvres and clutch control so I guess that means I had 31 hours).

DS didn't drive with us because he was learning on a manual and we only have automatics. He had about 30 hours too, so did better than me given the fact the test is more difficult now and would have probably needed fewer lessons without all the interruptions caused by lockdowns.

I agree it's a bit rude to say what's wrong with people who need more than five lessons. Some people take really quickly to driving, others need more lessons/practice. I suspect that generally speaking, those who have more lessons (within reason) end up being the more competent drivers in the end.

Hen2018

Well I would say that you are the unusual one, most people have plenty of lessons. Have a 🏅for being super great.

Not sure where you get the idea that a couple of lessons will be enough. surely you know friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances who have been learning to drive? and how long/many lessons and time it takes.

OK, I see the error of my ways and that it takes everyone 20-30 lessons to learn how to drive.

Consider me suitably chastised by all you great ones who know better.

(It’s not rocket science!)

Interesting to know that the text is “much harder” than when my son took it. In November.

"It’s well worth the extra money to an instructor rather than risk the arguments and terror. "

I hate to say this, but I can't help feeling the stress of learning to drive was good for me. Driving is a bit stressful. It's scary and a big responsibility. Knowing that I couldn't make a mistake was an important part of the learning process.

@SometimesIFeedTheSparrows

You hold onto the "oh god" handle and make the sign of the cross whilst saying a Hail Mary under your breath.

I never did, left it to DH 😀 I’d have been in the boot, a gibbering wreck with a bottle of gin under a blanket!

@Hen2018

The average number of professional lessons to pass these days is actually about 40 .

@LindaEllen

My dad is a driving instructor and his heart sinks whenever a pupil says they've been 'practicing with parents' because for he needs to teach them how to pass a test, but on private practice they either a) pick up bad habits that are harder to break when not spotted right away or b) the parents think they know better and give 'tips' to their DC that are utter bollocks for the purposes of passing said test.

There's an important distinction between learning to drive and learning to pass the driving test. Actually, you mostly learn to drive AFTER your test. Leave it to the instructors.

I really disagree with this.

The secret to driving with your dc is to get them to practise what they have been taught.
And LISTEN to what they tell you about what the instructor says.
There were a few things where I said - ask the instructor about that, I would do it differently, so make sure you have understood what the instructor has said and get him to explain why.
That was good for him too as he understood better.
And one time I was right and he had misunderstood the instructor.

But car driving is practice practice practice, and you can pay £30 per hour, or you can get over yourself and take them out.
I cannot emphasise enough though, dirve them to a quiet place and then drive with them until they are more confident.

Find yourself a decently sized industrial estate and use this to practice with him. I spent 6 months prior to my 17th birthday driving on private industrial estates learning how to drive. It made a world of a difference to my lessons. I was confident and able behind the wheel from day 1.

The panic wont be so great then as there should barely be people on those roads. Try to avoid town based traffic till his instructor starts making noises about his test. Then ramp up to town and duel carriageway driving.

But car driving is practice practice practice, and you can pay £30 per hour, or you can get over yourself and take them out.

I choose the £30 per hour option. I value our lives and my relationship with my son.

The secret to driving with your dc is to get them to practise what they have been taught.
And LISTEN to what they tell you about what the instructor says.

100%. The instructor we used for our dc gets a parent to sit in the back seat for at least one lesson and he instructs the parent on what they need to do to help the learner practice.

@SupermanInk

But car driving is practice practice practice, and you can pay £30 per hour, or you can get over yourself and take them out.

I choose the £30 per hour option. I value our lives and my relationship with my son.

Me too, and no, we aren't wealthy. They had to fund themselves.

For those saying get over yourself (at least twice on this thread)
Just to make you aware, more than one type of personality exists in the world.

DH taught DD1, and plans to teach DD2 later this year. DD1's car was dual control and we plan to get a conversion kit for whatever we get for DD2 to learn in.
DD1 had 4 proper lessons in our car with DH sitting in the back to make sure he was teaching right and so instructor could assess test readiness.
DH reports there would have been a number of accidents without the dual controls.
(We only did it like this as there weren't any automatic instructors available locally).

@TeenMinusTests

DH taught DD1, and plans to teach DD2 later this year. DD1's car was dual control and we plan to get a conversion kit for whatever we get for DD2 to learn in. DD1 had 4 proper lessons in our car with DH sitting in the back to make sure he was teaching right and so instructor could assess test readiness. DH reports there would have been a number of accidents without the dual controls. (We only did it like this as there weren't any automatic instructors available locally).

That's interesting, did you have to pay extra on the insurance for dual controls? I wasn't aware you could have them added.