Visceral memories of lockdown 1

[devastating]

I know everyone will have experienced the first lockdown in different ways and a year on from it I can’t believe how isolated I was. I didn’t have work at the time but live with my teens. Every evening there would be about two hours during which a horrible gut-churning lonely anxiety would descend.

The isolation, the fear that there would be no food left in the shops let alone toilet paper, later - weekly trips to the supermarket to buy a massive trolley full of food because I didn’t want to go shopping again, standing on the stickers as I queued up at the supermarket, staying away from public transport, volunteering for the local food bank, watching the press conference every evening, walking in the park with my daughter, developing an obsession with sunsets and the moon and photographing plants, watching the death toll increase, watching the news with incredulity, talking to my Dad who lives in another country (and whom I haven’t seen for two years now), eventually being amazed that I could walk with a friend in the park, etc etc etc.

All of it is etched in my brain but I don’t realise to what an extent until I listen to some of the music that I was (repeatedly) listening to at the time. Then it comes flooding back as do the somehow visceral connected feelings, and they are unlike other feelings - they are vivid and painful. And disbelieving - I can’t believe we went through all of that, and are still going through it albeit it has changed.

So I was wondering if others experience similar kinds of deeply felt lockdown 1 memories that resurface in the same way? And if so what they are of?

My daughter was year 11, the whole year group got cancelled. I cried for her, no exams no prom, just ended in March that year.

I work in retail, I was scared.

I didn’t have any impact on my mental health nor did my family. We just muddled on. It was weird working out the one way system in the supermarket and we went to IKEA shortly before lockdown and it was weirdly empty but that’s about all that comes to mind. We don’t buy our loo roll in the supermarket so I don’t even know if they ran out of it. They did run out of pasta but we’ve always had a packet or two in reserve so I can’t really remember being affected by any supermarket shortages.

I remember being profoundly grateful that over the previous year I had slowly built up a "Brexit" stash.

I don’t actually want to type mine out. Just trying to forget and move on. I have a mild form of something like ptsd (I feel bad calling it that, because it’s disrespectful to people who have that - I just don’t know what else to call it. I find I have to be careful about when I think/remember because it is so overwhelming.

@Hen2018

The worst for me (though it didn’t affect me directly):

My school friend’s parents died within days of each other. All little villages locally and they were well known and liked for miles.

If memory serves, I think 4 people could go to their funeral. They had 3 grown up children so that meant no grandchildren, other relations or friends could go. I’ve no doubt they would have had 400 people in normal times.

They had both worked tirelessly when younger for the church/parish. The lady of the couple had chosen hymns carefully for her funeral.

A daughter in law phoned my mum (church organist) and asked if she could play the hymns anyway, at home on her piano as the 2 hearses went past. All the villagers en route stood (with metres between them) to say goodbye as the cars drove to church. My dad stood at the bottom of the drive. My mum played the hymns alone in the house.

My sole contribution was driving up the evening before to leave an obscure piece of sheet music outside my parents’ house for mum to play, as requested. I didn’t even know if I might have Coronavirus which would spread to mum off the music.

It’s upsetting me now thinking about it. That was the lowest point.

That is utterly heartbreaking.

Itu nurse. Was scared when first heard about it from China and we started prepping for it then, but even then we weren’t prepared as the disease changed so quickly.

We upped our beds 5 fold and seeing that many critically ill patients was heart breaking.

I didn’t go out apart from to work, and at the time I was able to drive and park in central London instead of getting the tube.

One night on my way home Wires by Athelete played on the radio and I sobbed all the way home.

I remember cheerily saying to my colleague Amanda on Friday 20th March 2020 as we packed up our desks ready to wfh, “it’ll only be short term Mand” and her replying “nah I reckon I’ll see you at Christmastime, not before”. We were both wrong (neither of us has been back in since) although she was nearer the mark. I can recall that conversation with clarity and can “feel” the sense of foreboding even now. We looked at each other and both felt fearful but didn’t articulate it (we’ve discussed it since).

I remember the queues outside the supermarket and couples artfully separating as they approached so staff didn’t realise they were together.

People folding themselves into bushes rather than passing within 2m of someone on the street. But no cars, no planes. Lots of birdsong.

I started this thread ages ago. It is similar. I really wished it had been added to classics.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/coronavirus/4164358-Which-specific-moment-from-this-will-stay-with-you-forever

Sorry for all those who have upsetting feelings about it. We've been very lucky and it wasn't too bad, but I do vividly remember one awful moment just before lockdown standing in a queue snaking all the way round the inside of a local grocery shop (because the supermarket was impossible), feeling ill and woozy myself, almost grabbing stuff off the shelves, including for my mum who was on the phone to me because she and dad had to sheild and hadn't been able to get various essentials. It just felt totally unreal - we didn't know if we'd end up totally locked in our homes, reliant on some kind of food drop, how bad things might get and so on.

Both children coming down with a D&V bug and not being able to get any soap, hand gel, toilet roll, baby wipes, nappies anywhere in supermarkets for miles.

Stood round the tv at work listening to boris announce the lockdown and packing my desk up.

Seeing my casual partner a week or so before lockdown and sobbing because I genuinely didn't think he'd make it through (older, overweight, diabetic).

Bleaching the shopping (still do wash everything that comes into the house)

@thelegohooverer

I don’t actually want to type mine out. Just trying to forget and move on. I have a mild form of something like ptsd (I feel bad calling it that, because it’s disrespectful to people who have that - I just don’t know what else to call it. I find I have to be careful about when I think/remember because it is so overwhelming.

You can absolutely call it that.

Just because other people may have experienced 'worse' situations doesn't make your feelings any less valid.

I keep remembering more.

Going to an almost empty Sainsbury’s and seeing 2 tins left in the whole of the pulses section - 1 tin of lentils and 1 of kidney beans. Another lady looking and I asked her which she would like so we had 1 each.

My son being driven off in an ambulance (he fell off his bike) and being told I would neither be able to go in the ambulance (which I had expected) or meet him in A and E. He had concussion and they had to basically march him into the ambulance as he didn’t now what he was doing. I had gone to get something from the car (his jumper? I can’t remember) and when I turned round they had slammed the doors and I couldn’t say goodbye. I set off at 6am to collect him as no one had contacted me. They had sent him to x Ray on his own and he’d passed out on the way. They then sewed his face back together and discharged him (still with concussion) and I found him wandering around by a roundabout near the hospital. Some people had stopped to try and help him, which was good of them considering he could have had Coronavirus and he’s a big lad whose face was ripped to bits with teeth missing at that point!

On a lighter note, my other child gets driven to special school by a teacher each morning which involves a one junction stint down the motorway. The car windows have to stay open so his hair has nearly been blown off his head every day for months!!

Honestly lockdown 1 wasn't that bad for me. Having two summer months on furlough meant lots of lazing in the garden, swimming in the sea, cycle rides round the countryside etc. The company doing a round of redundancies was stressful and I still remember turning up at the supermarket to find it absolutely bare but on the whole I quite enjoyed it. Clearly it sucked for many but the effects were hugely dependent on where you lived, where you worked and the vulnerability of yourself and your family, we were about as lucky as one could hope to be in those respects.

The no food thing really stuck in my mind

Just empty shelves. Visually quote something

Although there were some things well stocked which made me think even in a crisis..

I honestly don't think I'll forget that fear of not being able to feed the children as the supermarkets were that empty during that panic week.
We had to isolate from the Wednesday before lockdiwn for two weeks, and it was a lot calmer the next time I went.

I do remember going into Boots for SanPro. There was just one packet of sanitary towels left in the whole (very large) store. I reached it at the same time as a much younger woman and we then both politely stood there waiting for the other one to grab it. Eventually I told her to take it and instead I bought some Tena Lady as there was plenty of those.

There are some heart breaking posts here.

For me, being terrified that my CEV husband would die, and that my dd's mental health would be really badly affected.

Working in the NHS, and being moved to a project bringing staff back onto the front line and being casually told by a colleague that some of these staff would die.

Watching my dd cry because her grandmother had screamed at her that her daily walks meant that she didn't care about her dad's health.

I never saw very empty supermarket shelves, other than whole pasta and loo roll section. I just totally rolled my eyes at the loo roll thing as it wasn't even anything to do with covid - people had just picked up on some Brexit headline that had claimed there might be shortages of loo roll afterwards.

I live in a small, gardenless flat with my DP.

I remember vividly being out for a walk in the bright sunshine at about midday during the period when we were only allowed out once, and thinking....that's it now, I can't go outside again until tomorrow. It was such a depressing and heavy thought.

I remember being desperate for dh and dc to stop going to work and school and stay home, the week before lockdown.

How the last year plus has changed that view!

Mine is of a beautiful day - the weather was magnificent as if to compensate - just after we were allowed to travel again.

I met my son for a walk and we came upon a church with a coffin outside and someone singing Ave Maria a capella. We stood in silence and bowed our heads until the coffin was put in the hearse and it moved away. It was very poignant.

The lack of control and white fear. I'm a key worker so worked through it. Long days and very little sleep. I started work at 6am.

I was also surrounded by horrible neighbours who shouted, had ridiculously loud music on for ten hours a day every single day and parties on one side and a neighbour screaming with friends from 1 or 2am twice a week for hours.

They still managed to stand outside clapping like sea lions for the nhs. Hypocrites. We were not all in it together. I'm sure that they had a lovely lockdown.

It has taken me ages to even listen to low music in the car because I've been left with really bad anxiety.

I remember the shock of the announcement about schools closing followed by my tears when school sent home one blank exercise book and one pencil with each child. It dawned on me that their education was now my sole responsibility.
Also the stress of trying to stretch the food as far as possible by giving the fresh vegetables to the children (they were naturally delighted) and telling my husband he'd have to put up with something else.

I keep remembering more.

My DD having a non-blanching rash and the staff on the children’s ward saying my DH could come in but I made him wait in the car because hed just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Trying and failing to get calpol and DD suffering after vaccination without it.

The weird feeling of driving to the supermarket as quickly as possible so I could get back to newborn and severely ill husband and feeling like an apocalypse was happening. I was genuinely scared.

Going to the shop a week or so before and thinking I’d like to stock up but I didn’t want anyone to think I was nuts. The same goes for mask wearing before it was mandated.

This thread is so cathartic and I’m so sorry for all of us who have suffered, be it a missed birthday or a bereavement, all of our shared trauma is valid.

Watching the paramedics get into their PPE after my mum collapsed. She died.

(We have absolutely no blame towards the paramedics by the way)