Visceral memories of lockdown 1

[devastating]

I know everyone will have experienced the first lockdown in different ways and a year on from it I can’t believe how isolated I was. I didn’t have work at the time but live with my teens. Every evening there would be about two hours during which a horrible gut-churning lonely anxiety would descend.

The isolation, the fear that there would be no food left in the shops let alone toilet paper, later - weekly trips to the supermarket to buy a massive trolley full of food because I didn’t want to go shopping again, standing on the stickers as I queued up at the supermarket, staying away from public transport, volunteering for the local food bank, watching the press conference every evening, walking in the park with my daughter, developing an obsession with sunsets and the moon and photographing plants, watching the death toll increase, watching the news with incredulity, talking to my Dad who lives in another country (and whom I haven’t seen for two years now), eventually being amazed that I could walk with a friend in the park, etc etc etc.

All of it is etched in my brain but I don’t realise to what an extent until I listen to some of the music that I was (repeatedly) listening to at the time. Then it comes flooding back as do the somehow visceral connected feelings, and they are unlike other feelings - they are vivid and painful. And disbelieving - I can’t believe we went through all of that, and are still going through it albeit it has changed.

So I was wondering if others experience similar kinds of deeply felt lockdown 1 memories that resurface in the same way? And if so what they are of?

I worked on a covid ward in lockdown 1, we were the first ward in my hospital to start taking covid patients so it was all very new and scary. I remember gowning up in all the PPE for the first time so carefully, we were all taking our time and double checking each other to make sure we were fully covered, promising each other we'd be so careful and never enter an isolation room without putting our PPE on properly. This wouldn't last, a week later when the ward was full of delirious patients who would start desating rapidly after pulling off their Bipap or CPAP masks we'd have seconds to throw on PPE as fast as possible and run in to the room! I remember the fear of running out of PPE too, that was something we didn't have to worry about in the subsequent lockdowns.

Mostly I just remember all the overtime and being so tired outside of work but running on adrenaline while I was there. I don't think I was ever that anxious or that lockdowns will leave any lasting effects on me. I'm thankful that I was able to work and stay busy throughout, my colleagues have always been a tight-knit bunch but we became even closer when we became each others only social outlet. I'm a very social person who loves being around other people so my job really kept me sane, I would have gotten depressed if I was trapped at home. I feel sorry for people that had to work from home or lost their jobs.

I’ll never forget trying to get hand wash just prior to the first lockdown because we genuinely had run out and needed some. We tried about 15 shops across 5 different local towns and none of them had any at all, they didn’t even have a bar of soap. No painkillers anywhere either, we went to lots of different pharmacies as well as shops and none had any.

During the actual lockdown DH used to go food shopping fortnightly to reduce contact with others as much as possible because I was pregnant and terrified of catching it. He’d go and fill two separate trollies up sometimes (quite a big family) so we had enough to last. We had lots of frozen and tinned fruit/veg!

Homeschooling the first time wasn’t so bad actually. The occasional meltdown but overall a fairly positive experience. Enjoyed spending so much time with my DC, it’ll never happen again in our lifetime. We watched the Harry Potter series one week which was fun. It was rather nice having DH around too.

Aside from my appointments and DH food shopping twice a month, we never left the house aside from the garden obviously. I was completely petrified of catching it during pregnancy after reading some horror stories online so we were basically like prisoners. It has had long lasting effects on my mental health but I’d say the lockdown this year was much worse. I could accept the fact we needed to stay inside once and did for a good four months straight but once they gave us our freedom back and life slowly returned to normal for me once my baby was born, it was cruel to snatch it away again. Homeschooling the second time was not fun, it was freezing and wet outside so we didn’t go out in the garden anywhere near as much. It was rather gruelling and difficult, lots of meltdowns and I had a baby and toddler to contend with on top of the 3 of them. DH wasn’t furloughed the second time either so no help from him. I was honestly pushing them back through the school gates when it reopened in March . I have a feeling of dread every time I get a motivation from school incase one of them has to isolate at all, I think homeschooling again would honestly tip me over the edge.

I’m not in the best place mentally, I’m having counselling due to PND and anxiety. I think the second lockdown this year caused this, I felt ok before but it was just too much for me to bear.

Honestly? I found it mainly boring and gloomy but most of my anxiety centred around my elderly recently widowed mother, who lives 75 miles away. I didn’t feel traumatised and I don’t work in a healthcare setting. Nobody I know caught COVID in that first lockdown.

Lockdown 1: 2 weeks extra Easter holiday (school barely send any work), no more travel for work, relax, spend more time with kids and dh, sense of excitement about how weird it was all, relief that dd didn't have to be in the same classroom as the boy who had a compulsion with walking her face and not having to deal with head mistress trying to gaslight me so she didn't have to safeguard my child, sense that all shall be well come autumn, lovely sunny days in the garden, some socially distanced walks with friends from may and garden visits through the summer. No contact with extended family, no holidays.

Winter lockdown 2021:
ultimate sense of isolation, desolation and feeling disconnected with our friends community. Pulling my hair out over working and the demands of home schooling. Complete exhaustion, arguments with partner.

Now: Weary about what will come next autumn winter, recuperating as workload is more managbel with dc at school. Sometimes sense that nothing will be the same again as in pre 2020. We are adapting and weary. Prioritising socialising and connecting with people we care about.

Overall: massive sense that children and families have been shafted.

• whacking

Crying at Sainsbury's when I saw that all shelves were empty. Not because I couldn't do my shopping but because it seemed like a really big deal, as if something apocalyptic was happening ( know that must sound ridiculous)

My overwhelming feeling of the whole thing is how quickly a society can deteriorate, and how fear and panic can overwhelm people

First was different to second

First - incredible weather, quiet, surreal supermarket issues, anxiety over impending cases, took dc out of school a few days early, disbelief and also parents re-routing on a world cruise trip from Aus after a week

Second - bad weather, too much online learning, lacking the creative spirit of first, dog walking in snow

Online learning - would like to leave that behind now

First lockdown I was pregnant and terrified. DH would queue for hours at the supermarket and bring back the small amounts he could get. Having my anomaly scan alone. Worrying about the world I was bringing my child into. Intense work stress leading up to maternity leave and worrying I was hurting her with all the stress and cortisol.

Second lockdown, miserable. PND, grumpy baby, horrible weather. I think I spent most of it sat on the sofa with the baby and crying. I think I’ve blanked a lot of it out. We broke Covid restrictions to have a family Christmas (everyone did 10 days isolation in advance) and I’m glad we did because I was really on edge at that point, I’d started self harming again which I hadn’t done for years. DH says with hindsight he was worried I was suicidal.

Things are generally better now, DD is a joy, my mental health is much better and I’m slowly pulling everything back together.

@PicnicGallore

Crying at Sainsbury's when I saw that all shelves were empty. Not because I couldn't do my shopping but because it seemed like a really big deal, as if something apocalyptic was happening ( know that must sound ridiculous)

I cried in the sparkling wine aisle in Majestic because we were supposed to be having a party the week we locked down - I went to pick up the stuff we had ordered for the party which had been cancelled, and just had this overwhelming fear that someone who should have been at the party might get sick and die.

I then cried in the car, because I was worried the people in the shop thought I was crying about there not being enough prosecco

I had a newborn, my husband was working very, very hard, and I felt utterly alone.

It was before bubbles, and before we knew that babies were probably safe from it.

So I was utterly isolated. Cutting me off from family (especially my mum) when I had a tiny baby and desperately needed support was barbaric.

'Traumatised' is a word we use very lightly sometimes, but I truly feel that the horror of that time has deeply changed me for the worse.

@Zarene, I completely agree. You’ve put it far more eloquently than me.

Some recollections from the first lockdown

In January I remember seeing the news from China and thinking it was only a matter of time before it was here. China then made a huge song and dance about how they’d contained it so I took my eye off the ball as it were. Only to realise a couple of weeks before we locked down and hearing reports of shortages of hand sanitizer that this was going to be a huge problem. Drove to a gigantic home bargains confident that I’d get some and did a horrible loop through the shop with loads of other people, with the shelves stripped bare of santizer and hand wash. I grabbed one of the last remaining bars of soap. Couldn’t find any in any other shops over the next few days. Then spent late nights scouring the internet for hand Santizer and thanks to a tip off on mumsnet got a some on Amazon that wasn’t labelled ‘sanitizer’ so was still in stock…

Going to work (central government) on the tube whilst Chinese tourists wore double masks and gloves. Was slightly bemused as to why they were in Westminster if they were that concerned about the virus but wondering if we should also be wearing masks. One local girl was wearing a mask in my tube carriage one morning and I realised I should let go of my embarrassment and wear it in case. The WHO were saying that mask wearing was ineffective and the government repeated this advice, focusing on hands, face space instead, however i cynically guessed that they were concerned about shortages of masks for the nhs instead. I googled which masks to wear and ordered the ones the Chinese were wearing with valves as figured they were the most effective.

My husband’s work told them to wfh yet civil servants were not! My friend’s little brother then suddenly died of covid just before lockdown (in his twenties, no underlying health issues) which terrified me. All my acquaintances with desk jobs were ordered to wfh but civil servants were not allowed! I just started to wfh and basically told my manager that that was what I was doing! 3 days later we were told we must wfh and shortly after that I watched Boris’s statement on tv telling us to remain at home. It was only meant to be for 2 weeks but even so was a huge restriction of personal freedoms.

Had an urgent eye problem and trying to find an optician who would see me. Walking through a busy London high street trying to keep a distance and being one of the only people to wear a mask. The fear I felt putting my face close to the (masked) optician.

My focus at work had switched from Brexit to urgent pandemic work. Worked very long days and weekends. My husbands work was also very busy. The summer passed in a blur and our furloughed neighbours seemed to have a jolly time, packing up the car with beach stuff nearly every day and driving with their friends and kids to the beach. While we sweated upstairs working.

I was dismayed when a BBC programme demonstrated how to sanitise groceries and other things brought into the home, but started to follow this guidance too.

Taking our one hour of exercise with a local walk. Seeing police cars cruising round the village green ensuring people didn’t mix in groups or sit down.

A temporary morgue was proposed (possibly built) close to where a colleague lived.

The worst for me (though it didn’t affect me directly):

My school friend’s parents died within days of each other. All little villages locally and they were well known and liked for miles.

If memory serves, I think 4 people could go to their funeral. They had 3 grown up children so that meant no grandchildren, other relations or friends could go. I’ve no doubt they would have had 400 people in normal times.

They had both worked tirelessly when younger for the church/parish. The lady of the couple had chosen hymns carefully for her funeral.

A daughter in law phoned my mum (church organist) and asked if she could play the hymns anyway, at home on her piano as the 2 hearses went past. All the villagers en route stood (with metres between them) to say goodbye as the cars drove to church. My dad stood at the bottom of the drive. My mum played the hymns alone in the house.

My sole contribution was driving up the evening before to leave an obscure piece of sheet music outside my parents’ house for mum to play, as requested. I didn’t even know if I might have Coronavirus which would spread to mum off the music.

It’s upsetting me now thinking about it. That was the lowest point.

My waters went at 26 weeks in April 2020. Being blue lighted to the hospital, thinking my baby had died, and DH not being allowed in the ambulance. 5 days in hospital with early labour contractions, and DH and DD were not allowed to visit.

Then, 5 more hospital admissions for bleeds and contractions, over the next 8 weeks. Finally being induced, alone, at 34 weeks, and labouring all through the night. DH was allowed in 5 mins before DS was born, and rushed through to NICU. Complications then meaning that I had to be rushed to theatre. Being taken to the postnatal ward, DH not allowed in, baby in NICU and being left alone for 5 hours, unable to move. I finally got to hold my boy 8 hours after he was born.

I was in hospital with him on day I was induced, one year later, and walked past the birthing suit and NICU, and couldn't stop crying.

Our parents being told that they couldn't come and help out, my DD seeing her baby brother for the first two weeks through the window on NICU. Dealing with PND and PTSD with family still not allowed to visit. Then homeschooling with a grouchy baby and a 4 year old.

I still keep an inventory of all of the food we have in the house. Am sat here crying again, it was such a dark time. The weather today reminds me of the day my waters went.

feeling like we were all going to die and that society would collapse. I was having panic attacks. Feeling like the police would come if I walked my dog twice. Going into town in plastic gloves and PPE to get my son birthday presents from WHsmith as it was the only thing open.
Feeling like there was going to be covid on every single surface - benches etc. Feeling like a criminal for leaving the house.
Crying because I needed a hug from my mum and couldnt have one

At the beginning of lockdown 1 I was in hospital with an ill 3 month old watching as the hospital was rearranged to separate covid and non covid patients. The rules changed constantly about what I could or couldn't do. I was terrified that we would catch it and take it home. Getting home and having a poorly baby and potty training toddler to look after while DH squeezed into the spare room to wfh (he's still there but room has new furniture). No family to help.

Queuing for ages to get a kitchen bin as the old one broke pondering if it was essential or not.

How desperately sad i felt when we would go for walks and would pass the kids' school and see the signs on it about covid. Occasionally seeing one of their friends who was there as a keyworker child and talking through the fence.

The clapping for the NHS. It was emotional every week, the community spirit.

How elated i felt when i managed to secure a delivery slot.

How bizarre it felt to pack my computer up to begin wfh.

I'd feel a sense of calm and relief in the evenings when we were all in bed and I knew we were together.

Worrying about my parents trying to get home from Spain. They used to live there for 6 months a year. They had sold they place so had to leave but getting transport cancelled all the time. In the end my dad drove pretty much non stop back to the U.K. Feeling an incredible amount of guilt for being able to stay home safe and key workers having to risk themselves going to work. I was worried for my children’s future. The feeling of being overwhelmed with it all. Sounds silly but being grateful for This Morning being on the telly it just gave me a little bit of normality.

Also on the first day of lockdown I turned on the tap and there was no water and being petrified that it was the beginning of the end of life as we knew it. Calling the water company to be greeted with a message they couldn’t take any calls.

Working full time from home while trying to home school two early primary aged children and look after a toddler at the same time. It very nearly broke me. Sometimes I looked after the kids all day then put them to bed and worked for 8 hours overnight, then had 2 hours sleep before starting again.
Having to miss my beloved aunt’s funeral due to restrictions.

A general feeling of uncertainty as to where things were going. Sleepless nights about how we would get food etc to my CEV parents since the supermarket shelves were running low, no delivery slots available and possibility of being told we couldn't travel to take things to them.

Overhearing my teacher DH spending more and more of his time speaking to parents who couldn't work from home but didn't get paid if they were not in work, and arranging food bank referrals etc. Overhearing children in online lessons crying and asking if they could go to school soon.

Overhearing children in online lessons crying and asking if they could go to school soon

My 6 year old did this every single day. All her friends were in and she could see them chatting together on zoom. She was distraught

Too many others to remember. People darting away from me in the street, turning away and putting their face against the wall until I passed them, older people shouting 6 feet at me in the street and I shouted back move out of my way then (they were taking up the whole path themselves)

The way people took leave of their senses and went insane over covid when the risk of dying in road accident was considerably higher. People lost any ability to think rationally.

Just remembered this. I must have tried to blank it out. Changing lots of details here, for obvious reasons.

My (adult) child’s friend messaged another friend saying “goodbye”. Friend (A) had attempted suicide before and required lengthy surgeries and hospital stay to survive. For some reason, I became the go between for my child’s friends to contact the police. Every message that people got off A was relayed to me. I was on the phone for 40 minutes in the first instance, though the police had set off in that time. I remember the call taker asking what support A had and having to say not much, as they’d grown up in care, my voice cracking at that point (about half an hour in to the call) and the call handler saying nothing but giving me several seconds to compose myself.

We then set off to comb the local nature reserve ourselves, the police phoning us a few times to ask if we’d had any updates. It got dark (very dark, no street lights for miles) and we struggled on with the bike light we’d been using going flat, then using the torch on the phone.

It was extremely surreal and we were terrified of both finding or being unable to find A.

Then the helicopter appeared overhead with its searchlight and did a very systematic crisscross of the area. Now we were worried that it would see us and get confused. It was like being in a film and very disorientating. Then it crisscrossed again (thermal camera?) and then left and of course we didn’t know if leaving meant they had seen A or just given up.

Eventually, I said we would have to go home. My child was about to break as we reached my car. I just put my hand out to open the door and the police phoned again to say they had found A. (They are ok). My child could not visit A in hospital but we decided on occasional visits to A’s flat afterwards as they live alone and it seemed very much a vital welfare visit.