You're invited to a friends for dinner at 7pm, what time do you ring their doorbell?

[suggestionsplease1]

Out of interest, feel free to post to the minute!

Let's say this is not a very, very close friend, so you don't have a pre-existing idea of their expectations / preferences for your arrival time.

After reading another thread on visitor etiquette on AIBU today I was wondering if mumsnetters can converge on a perfect time, or if there are widely differing ideas on this issue!

7 means 7.

Well no of course not @kindaclassy but its still an arrival time. Time is still the same concept

My point is I just want people to be honest about times. If you want me to be 15 minutes late then please just tell me 15 minutes late. To assume that I will know, and think I'm rude for turning up at a time to me just seems quite arrogant. You are expecting everyone to subscribe to your view of time and etiquette, which to be honest lots of people particularly with social anxiety or ASD struggle with. And as this thread has shown about 50% of posters seem to disagree with

It makes a lot more sense, and would be easier for everyone if we just subscribed to the same concept of time for all situations rather than expect everyone to innately know what level of lateness applies to each situation. I again think its quite arrogant to assume that everyone can read your mind and know the appropriate social etiquette for you, when this thread has shown lots of others feel differently.

7.12

I again think its quite arrogant to assume that everyone can read your mind and know the appropriate social etiquette for you, when this thread has shown lots of others feel differently.

Social etiquette does not change. It's people deciding on their own arbitrary rules because they don't agree with "manners" that change.

Everybody I know follows the same rules for the country they live in, so it's obviously not that hard.

(With the caveat that of course it’s a little different if it’s close family or a very good friend where it’s understood that you can turn up early and it’s no big deal)

My guess is that all the people who think being a few minutes late is outrageously rude don't host themselves, or perhaps don't work. Otherwise they'd realise how vital those 10-15 extra minutes are.

I work etc., but if I think I'm going to need an extra 10-15mins, I just invite the guests for a later time. I don't give guests an arrival time that I don't expect to be able to adhere to myself.

So if I think I can be ready for 7pm, I'd invite the guests for 7.30pm (giving myself leeway so I'm not flustered and can enjoy the evening), with a view to sitting down to eat at 8.00pm - 8.20 pm.

I don't mind at all if someone comes early - I only invite my actual friends, and they would all understand if I was still doing something in the kitchen. They'd sit in the kitchen with me and chat with a glass of wine, no hassle at all.

One of my good friends once arrived on the dot of 7 and her partner said they'd been waiting in their car on the driveway as they didn't want to be even 1 minute early - I said that they would have been 100% welcome regardless. I'd rather my guests felt welcomed and comfortable than that they felt they had to adhere to some bizarre unspoken rules.

I’d rather the host feel happy and not put under any undue pressure by my early appearance before they’re ready. Horses for courses.

Anyway I actually am done with this now.

Well no because lots of people on this thread disagree with you @kindaclassy, and as I said people with ASD or anxiety would struggle with unwritten rules, so it can be that hard. And of course social etiquette changes! 50 years ago for example a woman couldn't ask a man out, 100 years ago she couldn't show her ankles. Social etiquette changes as we move with the times

@Littlehouseinthebigcity

Genuinely so shocked by how many of the responses are past 7! If I invited someone for dinner at 7 I would probably aim dinner for about 10 past incase they ran late but would expect 7 to be the absolute latest they planned to arrive! Why deliberately be late? Have I misunderstood something!?

You see, this sounds to me like you've confused a social dinner with friends with a normal dinner with the people you live with.

Normal dinner = Functional, intended to make sure people in the house are fed. You tell people when it'll be ready, you expect them to turn up (from whichever room they were in) literally as it's being served. No drinks or niceties beforehand, but maybe a bit of conversation while you're actually eating. When the meal is over, everyone leaves the table.

Social dinner with friends / Dinner party = The focus is on the social aspect of food, not the functional. It's about the conversation and catching up with people, not just getting people fed. You chat and pour drinks beforehand (hence the delay of at least 30mins between arrival time and serving the food), and when you've finished eating you stay at the table chatting for a while (having more wine). Maybe you then head into the living room for more chat (and more wine). It is anything but efficient.

If you serve dinner at 7:10pm after telling people to arrive at 7pm, it sets the wrong vibe. It becomes far more functional ("You're here to eat, so here's the food straight away") and rushed. How do you have time to welcome people and pour them each a drink if you are busy plating up food as they walk in the door?

@NutterflyEffect

Well no because lots of people on this thread disagree with you *@kindaclassy*, and as I said people with ASD or anxiety would struggle with unwritten rules, so it can be that hard. And of course social etiquette changes! 50 years ago for example a woman couldn't ask a man out, 100 years ago she couldn't show her ankles. Social etiquette changes as we move with the times

people on this forum also disagree about replying to RSVPs, turning up uninvited, turning up without replying or despite replying no...

Just because some posters refuse to bother themselves with basic manners, it doesn't mean they will suddenly disappear.

It's not even an unwritten rule, this is the very first link when you google it, but you will find plenty more.

Usually, such dinners are preceded by cocktails lasting from half an hour to an hour. This gives all the guests the chance to arrive, catch their breaths, have a drink, and meet or greet the rest of the party. A polite guest arrives within a half an hour of the stated start time. If you are running late or cannot arrive within the first half hour, warn your hosts in advance.

This one is the second link in google:
Don’t arrive on time to a dinner party

While you might think that arriving on time is a punctual courtesy, it’s actually considered a little rude. “A thoughtful guest will arrive exactly 10 minutes after the start time,” Musson says, “and arriving early is unacceptable; your host may still be getting ready.”

It's also a common jokes in books, movies etc..

It's disingenuous to pretend you have to be a mind reader to know the basics. Now if people make their own rules, you can't guess them. If you invite people for 7pm and serve food at 7.01, they will be caught unaware if you don't warn them!

I have learned from experience it’s better to arrive a little late than early.

I was once invited for lunch at noon and arrived 20 mins early only to see the food was not being home made but was actually cooked by someone else and the host was going to pass it off as their own. I was mortified for the host, I really wish I didn’t have to see them get caught out - was super awkward.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand see that makes sense for "why did my friend not serve dinner until an hour after she said to arrive?" But surely you lose the whole point of that social time of everyone rocks up up to 30 minutes late and you, then, as the late person, are making it about walking in and expecting food fairly quickly cos you couldn't be bothered to turn up for the drinks and chat.

Ok so the logic is. You serve dinner later than the arrival time so there's time for drinks and chat
You turn up later than the arrival time to avoid drinks and chat.

For the love of what’s holy, don't arrive early. It's nit a GP surgery.
I’d be in my knickers and no, I din’t need anyone’s help with prepping. An extra person in the kitchen does not help unless you have a massive kitchen.

as I said people with ASD or anxiety would struggle with unwritten rules, so it can be that hard

Bit sweeping. Many people with ASD and/or anxiety don't.

Also, plenty of people without either DO struggle with unwritten rules.

I don't normally turn up half an hour late. I'd aim to be on time, but wouldn't stress if I was 10 mins late.

That's the norm in my social circles - no-one would ever serve food at the precise time they expect people to arrive, and most people drift in roughly on time (maybe a few mins early, none of my friends would stress about this) or a little late. It's not the case that everyone arrives half and hour late.

It's actually helpful to the host if people drift in over the course of 10-20 mins, as it means they can welcome each person individually, take their coat and pour a drink. If 10 people turned up at the same time, it's all a bit rushed.

It's not something I stress over though, and I would only consider someone rude if they were significantly early or significantly late. The fact that I have to travel to where I'm going introduces some uncertainty, so I can't time it to the second!

@SleepingStandingUp

Ok so the logic is. You serve dinner later than the arrival time so there's time for drinks and chat You turn up later than the arrival time to avoid drinks and chat.

which would bring the question, why would you bother to accept the invit in the first place if you don't want to be there and are making it so clear?

We have kids and hence need to eat at specific times so always make it clear what time we will be eating but tell people they can arrive any time from xxx time. Never had any issues with that approach! Usually other people with kids appreciate the clarity. You can always just talk about these things!

For the love of his get your knickers in and be ready in time to receive guests. I do not get why some of you are so scatter that you can’t be ready for the time you invite guests to arrive.Realistically if you know you’ll not be ready at 7 don’t invite guests to arrive at 7. If you still have prep to complete and need time to get ready invite for 730. As I said if I’m invited for 7 I’ll arrive at 7

7-7.05 Hate late arrivals. Last time I hosted, one couple arrived as I was dishing up the main, having eaten our starters. The other 2 couples had arrived on time and I wasn't going to hang around waiting on the last couple while the food spoiled.

Woah, you'd have your kids eating with you at the dinner party? (And I assume the kids are young if they need to eat at a specific time)

This is eye opening as to what is considered normal in some social circles!

7:02 pm

No I was talking about lunch parties!

But yeah at New Year we eat with the kids and our friends' kids in the evening, why not? They're part of the family too. And it is a treat to stay up late.

New Year is different - that can be more of a family occasion.

For dinner with friends any other time, I'd be really shocked if their kids sat down to dinner with us!