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Original poster

URGENT ADVICE NEEDED ABOUT HAVING 2 CHILDREN

63 replies

Zofloralover1 · 30/06/2021 11:18

So basically me and my partner haven’t been together long and I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant and I already have a 4 year old from a previous relationship. I found out I was pregnant and we were so happy planned to keep it then last Friday we had a big argument because he’s insecure. He accuses me of stupid things like being in love with my ex or that I followed a footballer on Instagram hoping I’d get a tummy tuck and boob job out of it. Crazy I know but he understands he needs help with his anxiety and trust issues and is currently receiving help so it’s good he understands that there is a problem. However since this argument Weve not been on good terms and because of this I’m so undecided on what to do with the baby whether to keep it or not as I can’t stop thinking about all the negative things that could happen such as ending up with two children on my own if it doesn’t work out and not being able to have the freedom of a social life. Not saying I want to go out every weekend but I need a balance and I’m scared of ending up unhappy. But on the other hand I want this baby and I’m scared of regretting a termination. I’m battling myself in my own head and I guess I need some friendly advice.
What is it like having two children as a single mum? Is it doable? Will I cope? I’m just so scared can someone please help me

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 30/06/2021 11:21

Having raised two DC on my own I wouldn’t choose it again. I definitely wouldn’t choose it with two different fathers and so early in an insecure relationship. If this relationship is meant to be, you’ll have plenty of time to have a child with him later.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 30/06/2021 11:21

You've fallen into an abusive relationship and by far the most sensible thing would be to end the relationship and the pregnancy. If you don't end the pregnancy then separate from him but expect him to make yourself life miserable

Seeline · 30/06/2021 11:23

How long have you been together?
How 'together' are you - living together, shared finances etc?
How old are you both?
Does he have other DCs?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy
Original poster
Zofloralover1 · 30/06/2021 11:42

I’m 25 and he is 26. I have made some mistakes which has brought out some of these insecurities but the accusations he makes are ridiculous. I do want this baby but deep down I know an abortion is for the best. I’ve said to myself I’d rather be unhappy short term with ending the relationship and having a termination rather than keeping it and ending up unhappy for long term and feeling like I’m trapped. I think I know myself what the right answer is or I wouldn’t even be questioning this but I feel like I needed other people to confirm it for me. He doesn’t want to make it work and wants the baby, says he loves me etc but sadly I don’t think that’s enough

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 30/06/2021 11:46

Sometimes you have to make the head decision now for your heart to be happy later.

mug2018 · 30/06/2021 11:50

You need to tho m that if you have the baby, this man will potentially be in your life for a very long time, either in or out of this relationship - can you handle that.
You are young & have plenty of time ahead of you to find someone who will love you & care for you unconditionally.

Original poster
Zofloralover1 · 30/06/2021 11:53

Sorry In my last post I said he doesn’t want to make it work, I meant to say he DOES want to make it work. I’m currently 7 weeks and 3 days and have spoke to the hospital who have prescribed me the medical tablets which I can do at home by myself.. my sister is currently on the way to pick them up and I’m still undecided on whether to take them but I need to decide quickly

OP posts:
Whoarethewho · 30/06/2021 11:56

Two kids from two different father's will make it more difficult to get a partner who is prepared to step parent. and even if you go alone means the father's will still be in your life for ever.

AnxietyForever · 30/06/2021 11:56

He sounds abusive, I doubt he'll change. These men don't usually change.

Sunny4876 · 30/06/2021 11:57

I love dc2 to bits but if I had my time again knowing I'd be alone again!!! then I wouldn't have gone through with it,for her sake as well as mine because she's had a pretty shitty version of who I used to be with dd1.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/06/2021 11:58

It's probably easier to have 2 children as a single mum than to have 1or 2 children and be in a relationship with a man who treats you as badly as your current partner does.

Look at the two issues separately. Do you want the baby or not? Don't rush the decision, how long do you have to take the tablets?

But it does sound like you should separate from a partner who sounds jealous and controlling.

ATowelAndAPotato · 30/06/2021 11:59

No one can tell you whether to take the tablets or not. That has to be your decision.

Staying in this relationship does not sound like a good idea whatever you choose to do, but I’m fairly certain bringing a new baby into it is not going to improve anything.

If you decide to keep the baby, you need to be prepared to go it alone (or probably with a very difficult ex on the slide lines)

Sending you love and strength Flowers

UhtredRagnarson · 30/06/2021 12:01

It's probably easier to have 2 children as a single mum than to have 1or 2 children and be in a relationship with a man who treats you as badly as your current partner does.

If the man totally walks away and leave you to it? Yes. But if he decides to control you for the next 18 years through access to the child then no, it’s not easier. And both are harder than just being a single parent to one child.

Echobelly · 30/06/2021 12:01

This is not to do with two kids, this is to do with this relationship where, even if it is possible he anxiety issues, it sounds like it is way too early to be certain this is a good scenario to bring a child in to, and in your position, I wouldn't, especially as you are so young. You have plenty of life to live and have another child, potentially with this guy if things do work out, but right now I think there are too many uncertainties.

And by the way, I'm pretty certain that you didn't 'make some mistakes' that brought out accusations from your partner, he decided to make them. A relationship that makes you feel like bad things your partner says or does to you are your fault is not, I have to say, a good start.

beigebrownblue · 30/06/2021 12:02

I wouldn't wish it on anyone to have a child with an abusive partner.

Believe me, you don't need to grief. And it will be hanging over you for the rest of your life.

Please don't do it.

Dogoodfeelgood · 30/06/2021 12:03

Only you can know your own life but there is plenty of time to find a good partner, be sure of them, become committed through marriage or finances and then plan your second child together. I wouldn’t proceed with a pregnancy in circumstances like this as the likelihood of being a single mother would be high and this man doesn’t sound like father material to me. Better to wait until the time is right, with the right person, and much more fair on the child too. But completely your decision, just best to go into it eyes wide open and understand if you have the financial capacity and emotional support network to raise two children on your own, and the impact this might have on your future.

GingerBeverage · 30/06/2021 12:03

The language you're using is obscuring the problem.

You say you made some mistakes - what were they?
You say your action of making the mistakes brought out his insecurities. So are you saying it's your fault for how he behaves? Who told you that? Who taught you that you need to police your own actions to avoid the consequences of his behaviour?

Was your previous relationship similar?

Take a little time to try and identify patterns here.

2ndtimemum2 · 30/06/2021 12:39

Op I was in this position I've 2 kids with 2 different dads and am now single and to be honest if I could do it all over again I wouldn't have proceeded with the pregnancy. I adore my kids but honestly I'm doing it on my own, thankfully I've a good paying job but it's lonely when I'm not working I'm with my kids.

I don't have a social life, I look at other people's lives and just feel sadness. I'm embarrassed by my situation being totally honest. And he got to move on with his life. I'm sorry your in this position but listen to you gut, do you really want to have a baby in a rocky relationship?

pursuedbyablackdog · 30/06/2021 12:49

How long have you been together?
How well do you really know him?
Do you live together?

What really jumps out at me is he thinks you are following a footballer on Instagram to get a 'tummy tuck and boob job paid for by the footballer' that's not just insecurity or anxiety that's a whole big level of paranoia.

I can't advise you re your pregnancy, but I will say this relationship doesn't sound good and I'd be running for the hills.

Original poster
Zofloralover1 · 30/06/2021 16:40

Update: I decided to take the first table and my partner is heartbroken to say the least. Says we can’t ever be together again, he doesn’t love me anymore and he hates me. Feeling so so low and I have my 4 year old with me tonight, can’t even bring myself to get out of bed to do anything or make tea etc. How do I pull myself together and get the motivation to do anything?? :(

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/06/2021 16:49

Well your 4 year old needs to eat so you'll have to sort dinner unless someone can come and pick them up, or you can get a takeaway delivered?

With regards to pulling yourself together, would it help to think you have at least saved your 4 year old from witnessing this poisonous relationship?

CarolinaWeeper · 30/06/2021 16:50

Have you got someone who can come and be with you?

MotionActivatedDog · 30/06/2021 16:53

Hopefully your boyfriend doesn’t live with you and isn’t there? If so tell him to leave, then give your face a wash, look yourself in the mirror and make a commitment to yourself and your child to just keep bloody going. Get your DD fed (feed yourself too please!) get her bathed and get her to bed early and then you can get into bed yourself and process everything.

sparemonitor · 30/06/2021 16:53

Very sensible decision. Now leave him.

SoMuchForSummerLove · 30/06/2021 16:56

He is a fucking arsehole.

An abusive controlling prick.

You will look back and be beyond grateful that you're not tied to him for life.

I promise.

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