The counsellor turned me away today.

[Nopleaseno]

I have PND and health anxiety. It’s taken me a long, long time to accept this and reach out for help. I’d say the depression started during my first pregnancy with my 2.5 year old and never really got better. It’s worsened since my 11 month old was born and I’ve just ended up totally cracking recently, lockdowns have amplified this.

I first reached out for help about 6 weeks ago, I self referred online and they called me back to complete the process the following day which I found impressive. It was a big step for me but I knew I desperately needed the help. She asked me to choose between depression and anxiety, as in which did I find more debilitating because they couldn’t offer help for both. I went with HA because I was struggling to control the worry and I’d been convincing myself I had breast cancer to an extent I was terrified to touch my own breasts or armpits in the shower. She sent me lots of online modules to complete which I did in about two hours and that was supposed to help me… It really didn’t so I had to ask whether there was another option at all because I didn’t feel CBT was the solution (I’ve tried it in the past and didn’t find it helpful then either which I did tell her at the time). She ummed and ahhed and had to speak to her supervisor. She did a second self referral phone call with me based around the depression side of things and decided I fit the bill for another type of counselling. I went to the top of the waiting list automatically because I have a baby so I didn’t have to wait long for an appointment.

This morning I had my first telephone appointment with the counsellor. I was incredibly nervous and worked up beforehand, I didn’t know what to expect. I have my baby and toddler at home with me which I can’t really change, DH works FT and we don’t have any family close by to help out. A few minutes into the phone call my baby woke up and cried a little so I picked him up and the counsellor immediately shut down on me. He said he wouldn’t speak to me unless he had my full undivided attention. I had to tell him I’d never be able to offer this because I have a baby and toddler with me 24/7 but he still insisted therapy will never work if I’m not 100% committed to it.

Long story short, he refused to help me and has put me back on the waiting list for a different counsellor with an evening appointment so DH could watch our DC. He doesn’t know how long the wait will be, only that I’m still at the top of the waiting list because I have a baby. He was quite stand-offish with me and I started to cry so wanted to get off the phone ASAP. Sat and had a cry for a bit because I just feel totally helpless. I’m not sure why I’m reaching out here, I’m just struggling so much and don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what else I can do really. I feel like I’ve asked for help and it just hasn’t really happened so I feel totally deflated. Is there anyone else I can talk to? I don’t know what to do.

How totally pants and unsympathetic of him- surely they expect people with PND to have babies!! And not everyone has a partner or family support. I don’t have any useful advice to offer but didn’t wanted to read & run- I hope the other counsellor is better and you get some useful support 😘 Hang on in there x

That's disappointing but the counsellor is right, you can't get the most from therapy when you're tending to your child. Could your arrange for your husband to go into work late one morning, so you can have a 9am appointment?

The online modules are designed to be reflective, not something to zip through at speed. While you're waiting for an appointment, could you look again at them, and think about how you can put the skills into practice?

I am so sorry this happened to you.
It sounds like what you are being offered is not very patient - focused! Asking you to choose between anxiety and depression is very poor - the two usually go together!
I hope the next counsellor is more you focused!
Don’t give up - you are very brave. 💐

That’s awful. What an unsympathetic twat he was. At least now though you can find someone a bit more empathetic as he clearly has no idea of the reality of life as a mum of young DC and would probably have done a shit job of counselling you.

Hope you find someone else ASAP.

If you have the energy to complain about his attitude please do. Even if you can understand why he said he needs your full attention he could still have done some work with you today and then asked to move your appointment to a time it would suit you next time. What a dick.

I think first person you should turn to is your DH. I agree with the counsellor that you can't have meaningful sessions while having to care for your children.
If you got next appointment, make sure your dh can look after children.

I will try the online modules again but I didn’t find the content very helpful personally. I don’t want to sound arrogant or negative in any way at all, I did try it but I just didn’t find that particular method helpful. He can’t go into work any later so I’m going to have to wait for an evening appointment, hopefully it won’t be a long wait.

Just feeling pretty deflated because they knew I was asking for help with PND so it’s obvious I have a baby… Wondering what a single parent without help would do really.

How frustrating and upsetting for you. Hopefully the next counsellor will be better suited.

Are there any organisations locally that support women with PND? There is one local to me that you can self-refer to and it offers one-to-one support as well as group meetings. It might be able to offer help whilst you wait for your next counselling appointment. Your health visitor will probably know of any

My HV is visiting today for the first time since my DS was born, I had to ask her to visit a few weeks ago when she did a telephone assessment. I will ask whether she knows of any support groups. I haven’t been able to go to any baby/toddler groups because they all have such long waiting lists which I’m on but nothing has come up yet. None are drop in sessions anymore and all just seem booked up for weeks. I managed to get a slot at a rhyme time session at the library 3 weeks ago but they have been booked up ever since so I haven’t been able to go again. We moved away from family during my first pregnancy which was probably a mistake in hindsight but I obviously didn’t predict the pandemic and increasing MH problems.

Thank you all for offering kind words and support, it means a lot .

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. However the counsellor wasn’t BU. You have to be totally present without distractions for phone therapy to be effective, it’s a bit more difficult than face to face. It would be better for you to attend evening appointments whilst your DH can watch the DC.

Hang on in there for now

I'm sorry OP but you should have arranged childcare. You wouldn't expect to turn up at face to face therapy appointment with a couple of kids in tow would you so why would it be different on the phone?! The therapist shouldn't have been rude to you but he is right.

Your DH needs to step up to ensure you can prioritise yourself and your MH. Does he do much with the kids when he's at home?

Unfortunately I’m with the therapist here. You wouldn’t turn up to a face to face appointment with children in tow, so you should not be multitasking in a phone appointment.

I think it’s very difficult, you really do need private space for counselling - you may find yourself talking about very sensitive issues that you wouldn’t want to do in front of your children and there’s no doubt they’ll pull your attention away from yourself and your needs in session. The counsellor was right in that regard however it sounds like this all should have been explained at the outset so that you could decide what might work best in terms of timing.

Some counsellors will see you with a babe in arms, but not a toddler, because they need too much interaction to allow you to focus.

I think the therapist was right OP. As others have said, you can't really give yourself the best chance of the sessions being helpful when you're having to look after your children at the same time.
It would have been better if that had been established at yoir screening appointment though so that you could have been offered an evening appointment at the outset. Hopefully they will have learned from this as a service.
Fingers crossed that your appointment comes through quickly as it looks like you are top of the list.
Take care

I do wish they’d made it clear to me that this was the case. I wouldn’t turn up to face to face with them of course but that was sort of the beauty of a telephone appointment for me, that I could do it from home because my life is fairly busy and difficult to slot face to face appointments in. If I’d known they had evening/weekend appointments beforehand I definitely would have asked for one but they never told me so I had no idea and assumed it would be usual working hours. It just made me feel worse than ever really because I’d worked myself up to my first appointment so much and then basically got turned away.

The HV asked me to contact my GP for medication. I explained I’m reluctant to do this because people I know who take antidepressants never seem to be able to come off them but I’ll call the GP and see what they advise. She also advised I contact the local children’s centre to see whether they have any groups I could attend so I’m going to try that now.

Hey OP. I can imagine how frustrated you feel. I have a 7 week old (and 2 older DC at school) and have been wondering if I have PND, I definitely have anxiety.

I did CBT for the anxiety when I was pregnant at the end of last year and I completely understand how you feel about it. I felt I was told "if you can't control the thing you're worried about, let it go" which is impossible for me to do. Then the computer system decided I didn't have anxiety anymore and my CBT ended. I didn't get anything out of it at all, but similar to you I would only be able to have evening appointments now and they're very few and far between in my area and I can't afford to go private.

I hope an evening slot comes up quickly for you, and things get easier

To be fair to you @Nopleaseno I had phone CBT mid-pandemic and it wasn't mentioned anywhere about having childcare in place for phone sessions and it didn't really cross my mind to arrange any, although my DC is a bit older and happy to sit with a screen for an hour🤷🏼‍♀️

I really hope you do get something sorted!

Tbh it sounds like he wasn’t a great counsellor and handled that situation really badly. So it’s probably going to be better for you to wait for the other one (assuming you don’t have to wait too long!) and with any luck you will get someone with more skill and empathy. Better to get a decent counsellor than start your counselling journey with someone who doesn’t have the core skills- you deserve more than that. Hold on in there x

I'm not sure it's fair to say the counsellor "turned you away". He has referred you for more suitable counselling.

You have taken it personally, which you really should try not to do. You haven't been rejected or fobbed off. He is trying to get the best for you, because as others have said, you'll need to be able to give your full attention to the sessions.

Given the circumstances, he could definitely have been more flexible. I used to take my newborn to therapy all the time in person (pre Covid) and there have been lots of online/phone sessions that I've done with him in my lap. It's a bit trickier now he's a toddler but we make it work. It's not ideal, of course, but that's life isn't it?

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

That’s awful. What an unsympathetic twat he was. At least now though you can find someone a bit more empathetic as he clearly has no idea of the reality of life as a mum of young DC and would probably have done a shit job of counselling you.

Hope you find someone else ASAP.

If you have the energy to complain about his attitude please do. Even if you can understand why he said he needs your full attention he could still have done some work with you today and then asked to move your appointment to a time it would suit you next time. What a dick.

Sorry, but you’re wrong here. Counselling is very emotive and in order for it to be successful the client needs to give their full attention. He was correct in this. He may well only work office hours, it’s not the counsellors job to fit in with the client.

That’s awful. What an unsympathetic twat he was. At least now though you can find someone a bit more empathetic as he clearly has no idea of the reality of life as a mum of young DC and would probably have done a shit job of counselling you.

In a less ridiculous view, he was doing his job as he is supposed to do. In the same way you couldn't bring a baby and toddler to a counsellors office and expect them to accomodate, you can't do it over the phone either. He was neither "a twat" or unempathetic, he was doing his job as he is supposed to do it.

I had counselling with my baby in tow.
I’m a single parent and at the time had no one to mind him for me. Thankfully my therapist was sympathetic and my baby was a sleeper.
By the time I had my last session he was crawling but she made the room child friendly for me.
I feel very lucky reading this.

OP, wishing you well. I hope you find the support you need

Op please think again about taking the anti depressants if you then want to come off them in the future it will be a gradual thing not a sudden stop. They are very likely to help you start to feel better once they kick in. I had them when I had PND and was off them completely 2 years later,
They helped me no end.

If would have been helpful if they'd explained that to you. Assuming you're not working, it's reasonable to assume you are looking after your baby so it's a bit dim he didn't realise that.

I hope you get an evening appointment quickly

Please do call the GP about meds though. I have been on them and am not any more. Many many people only take them for a short time and then stop because they start feeling better. It is often quite difficult to engage with counselling when you're feeling really low.

Tbh, I think the therapist sounded like a dick head

OP scrape every penny together to pay for private counselling. Even if its once a fortnight. Its ridiculous they are trying to assess people for depression or anxiety when it comes hand in hand most times. It just goes to show how shit the system is. And its a piss poor state of affairs when you have to pay to get treated like a human being.

Get a woman councillor that can do evenings when your dh is home from work.