The counsellor turned me away today.

[Nopleaseno]

I have PND and health anxiety. It’s taken me a long, long time to accept this and reach out for help. I’d say the depression started during my first pregnancy with my 2.5 year old and never really got better. It’s worsened since my 11 month old was born and I’ve just ended up totally cracking recently, lockdowns have amplified this.

I first reached out for help about 6 weeks ago, I self referred online and they called me back to complete the process the following day which I found impressive. It was a big step for me but I knew I desperately needed the help. She asked me to choose between depression and anxiety, as in which did I find more debilitating because they couldn’t offer help for both. I went with HA because I was struggling to control the worry and I’d been convincing myself I had breast cancer to an extent I was terrified to touch my own breasts or armpits in the shower. She sent me lots of online modules to complete which I did in about two hours and that was supposed to help me… It really didn’t so I had to ask whether there was another option at all because I didn’t feel CBT was the solution (I’ve tried it in the past and didn’t find it helpful then either which I did tell her at the time). She ummed and ahhed and had to speak to her supervisor. She did a second self referral phone call with me based around the depression side of things and decided I fit the bill for another type of counselling. I went to the top of the waiting list automatically because I have a baby so I didn’t have to wait long for an appointment.

This morning I had my first telephone appointment with the counsellor. I was incredibly nervous and worked up beforehand, I didn’t know what to expect. I have my baby and toddler at home with me which I can’t really change, DH works FT and we don’t have any family close by to help out. A few minutes into the phone call my baby woke up and cried a little so I picked him up and the counsellor immediately shut down on me. He said he wouldn’t speak to me unless he had my full undivided attention. I had to tell him I’d never be able to offer this because I have a baby and toddler with me 24/7 but he still insisted therapy will never work if I’m not 100% committed to it.

Long story short, he refused to help me and has put me back on the waiting list for a different counsellor with an evening appointment so DH could watch our DC. He doesn’t know how long the wait will be, only that I’m still at the top of the waiting list because I have a baby. He was quite stand-offish with me and I started to cry so wanted to get off the phone ASAP. Sat and had a cry for a bit because I just feel totally helpless. I’m not sure why I’m reaching out here, I’m just struggling so much and don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what else I can do really. I feel like I’ve asked for help and it just hasn’t really happened so I feel totally deflated. Is there anyone else I can talk to? I don’t know what to do.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like it's taken you a lot to take this step. Whilst it's better to doing it privately, it's not always possible. The counsellor should have been more understanding and flexible.

For context, I recently had a block of counselling. The first one wasn't brilliant so asked if I could change. Next one was absolutely amazing and has helped me immensely. I took everything she said into account and she truly understood me. I also had phone counselling with two young children in my care. Part of the reason I needed it was to offload about having an autistic child. Counsellor was absolutely incredible and helped me immeasurably, despite having a toddler plus a child with ASD. I had no other choice. And my DH is wonderful but it wasn't practical for him to take time off for me all this.

So yes it's not the best choice but sometimes all the circumstances allow. The counsellor should work around this.

I hope you're okay

@Viviennemary

Sorry but I am on the side of the counsellor. They are doing a job and if they can't carry it out in a professional way then they were right to end the session. But it should havd been discussed beforehand.

Thats why so many counselling sessions don't work for people. Counselling shouldn't be a 'job' is a vocation. Your there to help people not tell them what to do.Its a role where you have to connect with the person so they can open up. You are not having an interview when you have a counselling session. If a councillor feels like their work is a 'job' then they need to get the fuck out of that profession.

What a good councillor would have done is is actually observed the OP while she was comforting the baby, how her anxiety was manifesting , was it in her body or voice was she visually stressed out ect..He could have then talked to her about her baby which would have been a great icebreaker. He was already scheduled for the appointment - he didn't need to shut it down. It wasn't wasted time. He then could have talked about about having child care and exposing other time slots.

He was dickhead. And I'm sorry that this guy is actually seeing vulnerable women.

Completely agree @steakandcheeseplease

So sorry to hear you went through this after taking the courage for that first step! I'm at a similar stage with my 3 month old and have just booked help. It has been awful admitting I have PND and anxiety and need help.

I had phone counselling at first with a counsellor at the maternity hospital and as it is postnatal support she knew/expected me to have my baby 2ith me! It still helped! And now I've found low cost private counselling which specialise in postnatal mental health and same - zoom with my baby. They operate a no wait list policy, maybe you have something like that in your area? Mine is called Nurture, it's Dublin based. Absolutely prioritise getting help, scrape together the money. You are worth it!

I'm also having hypnotherapy on the recommendation of a highly regarded psychiatrist. And will consider medication if needed.

Your mental health is too important!

Every thought with you, you deserved better.

@Nopleaseno

Thank you so much for that link *@Clymene*, I’m going to give them a call. The children’s centre aren’t running any groups right now after all so that’s another set back.

I’m only reluctant to try anti depressants because I know a couple of people who have used them for many years and seem unable to stop. When they have tried to stop they feel completely awful so they seem to have accepted they will be on them forever now. I’d prefer that not to happen ideally.

I hope they can help you. I know they really helped my friend when she was in a very dark place which is why she volunteers now. Re ADs, there are thousands of people who take them for a short while to get them out of a mental 'hole'. Probably loads of people you know but they just don't talk about it. I think nowadays GPs are reluctant to prescribe them long term whereas they may have been in the past. In any event, please tell your GP that you're worried about that and they will arrange regular reviews.

@steakandcheeseplease - agree 100%