My daughter is being bullied at work, it's so hard to know what to do!

[Wisteriabloom]

She's 21, (but a YOUNG 21 if you know what I mean). She's quiet and shy, still lives at home and isn't really into large groups and drinking (prefers the theatre, art galleries etc), and has a small group of close friends.

She did well to get this job just under a year ago (admin & call centre role). Problem is, the lady who's supposed to be training her hasn't really bothered to. She doesn't explain things properly, then snaps at dd if she gets something wrong (and makes fun of her if she asks a question)☹

The others in the team (mainly women in their mid to late 20's also mock dd, making fun of her voice, mannerisms etc). Dd's quite nervous anyway, and this makes her more so. She has a boyfriend (same building but different department) a really nice lad, a few years older than her.

If he passes through the office and stops to chat to dd, or they have lunch together these women are awful, laughing loudly, mocking their interactions and one of them even asked dd what he's like in bed, causing poor dd to blush and the office to erupt in hysterics!☹

She's polite, punctual, dresses smartly and has put everything into this job, but it's causing her sleepless nights and brought on so much anxiety, she's almost a shadow of her former self☹

She said if she goes to the Personnel Department for help it could make things worse, as this woman has been with the company years and everyone looks up to her. She wants to hand her notice in, but it's good money and it could take a while to find another job.

I'm very tempted to contact Personnel myself for her, but it's hardly a case of 'having a word with the teacher at school'. She's an adult, and I'd hate to cause her more suffering from these bullies. You'd think women of that age would have outgrown school bullying behaviour, but sadly not☹

Any advice would be welcome!

Poor girl, I am prone to being bullied in the work place but slightly better at handling it than I was in my 20s. I would say she should definitely go to the HR department, i did it before and the person bullying me was terrified and never said bad word to me again. My DH had a similar problem with a woman actually who used to shout at him and make a huge scene in front of his clients for no reason, he went to HR and the women was called in for a meeting- she piped down after that. Silence keeps bullies powerful.

Sounds horrible for you dd.
Does the company have a bullying and harassment/dignity at work policy? This will give her the official stance a procedure to follow, so having a look at that might be helpful.
First step though should be to discuss with her line manager who should be intervening and providing support.

Also meant to say that she might benefit from some CBT, it really helped me with assertiveness.

Do not contact the company yourself! Your daughter is an adult and needs to fight her own battles. I would be very about anyone that did that, and I’ve seen it happen before. The parent just looks crazy, and we wouldn’t be able to discuss it with a parent anyway.

Realistically if she wants to complain through formal channels then there will be a grievance procedure. She could mention the sexual harassment aspect to get some protection against detriment or dismissal due to her short length of service. But sadly in reality it could indeed end up making things more uncomfortable.

If she isn’t able or willing to do that, she needs to find a way of dealing with it, or find a new job. Sometimes jobs just don’t work out. But the grievance procedure is there for her to use if she doesn’t want to just put up with their shitty behaviour.

Definitely don't contact HR on her behalf, her self-esteem will really cave in if you do that.

The culture sounds nasty, but your DD is in work and is holding her own. Rather than talk about anxiety of it, could you try to strengthen her resilience by helping her see that she is doing well to keep strong. I would encourage her to keep a diary to see what is actually being said - does she have a clear case for HR? (Date, comments etc.)

Oh my, please PLEASE do not speak to HR on her behalf. Besides the fact that they’d have no reason to speak to you and probably wouldn’t be willing to talk about their employees with someone who is - to them - a random stranger, this could seriously backfire for your DD when it comes to her reputation and her confidence. She’s 21. Even a “young 21” should be able to advocate for herself.

If the workplace is as toxic as you describe, were I your DD I’d log the bullying with HR so they have a record for the next time this happens to someone else (because it surely will), but I wouldn’t hold my breath for change. I would start a serious job hunt, and know that taking control of the job hunt meant that an end was in sight. Once I had an offer, I’d hand in my notice.

Good luck to her! This sounds unpleasant but unfortunately not uncommon for a first job. It’s absolute misery when you’re living it, but hopefully she’ll emerge stronger from the experience… I did!

Unfortunately being junior and under two years service does not help much here. Definitely worth keeping a record of what is happening.

The only thing in a call centre role which is an option for you to intervene is if it is a company who do work for others. My employer (public sector) outsources some call centre work, and would look dimly at a supplier who tolerated or did not act on harassment of anyone, young or old. That said, even if the case, I'm not sure how you could say anything with it not being the parent who intervenes.

Thank you everybody. As many of you said, contacting the company myself would be wrong, I realise that so I won't. The last thing I'd want to do is make things worse for dd. I'll try and talk her into approaching Personnel herself. Keeping a diary of incidents is a good idea too.

She went in this morning looking pale and worried☹ I just can't see what this group of women get out of intimidating a young girl like this. The supervisor who's (supposed to be) training her is 35, surely old enough to know better?! Dd wouldn't hurt a fly, she's respectful and inoffensive (which is obviously why she's being targeted), how awful🤔

I'll see how she is tonight and have another chat with her.

The women sound as common as muck.

No contacting HR OP, that is probably the worst thing you could do since your DD is 21.

DS(17) has had an issue with work (albeit his is a very part time student role) and he's we've spent many hours churning over the unfairness of it all and so on.

Eventually he decided (at my suggestion) that it would be better to tackle the problem head on. He had mentioned finding another job so had mentally made plans to leave already, we figured he had nothing to lose by taking the bull by the horns. In his case it worked out well and has done wonders for his self confidence as a result.

As your DD is already wanting to quit, I would try and explain to her that she has nothing to lose by trying to tackle the problem herself in the first instance. If it backfires she's in no worse position than she is now.

They really do! DD showed me two of their Facebook profiles, and I was surprised to see they've got kids of their own (given the way they're treating mine)!

Numerous photos on both their profiles show them as attractive young women, lots of smiles, posing with their babies etc, appearances can be deceiving!

DD says they've got multiple 'faces', acting their 'nice' selves when Senior Management are around, and then go back to 'bitchy schoolgirls' when they've gone.

Such a shame, this was one of the first jobs dd applied for after leaving college. Being offered a second interview and then getting the job gave her such a boost, this sort of atmosphere was the last thing she expected🤔

To find anything similar she may have to commute, (this job is 20 mins walk away), I just hope she doesn't find herself in the same situation again. Hopefully it's just one unlucky experience, painful though it is! I told her she's doing well to keep turning up each day.

Could you do some role play with her? Practice how to respond, or -more to the point - how to maintain a deadpan face and bored attitude?

Replies such as "why do you say that?" "I'm sorry, could you repeat what you just said" and "why are you saying that to me?" are inoffensive but will deflect the attention back to the bully who will hopefully think again about what they are saying. If she doesn't give them any oxygen they will get bored (again, hopefully).

I’d suggest she’s actively looking for another job now, for a start

As awful as it is, she either needs to learn how to answer back, or she'll have to go to HR. These women are awful and I hate how bitchy people get. I used to manage a team of women and it was the worst job I ever had.

She needs to have a few choice responses

Ewwww is you 'boyfriend' coming over today
Yes he is, can't blame him I guess (smilie face)

Things along those lines, but she does need to be confident when delivering the lines.

Might be better off talking to hr, it might be more difficult but all she needs to do is use the word 'bullying' and that should get things moving

My employer would treat asking what someone’s BF is like in bed as sexual harassment. She has to go to HR and tell them how she is being treated.

I would think that asking your DD what her boyfriend is like in bed would constitute sexual harassment, in that any unwanted sexual talk is harassment. I'm much older that your DD and married for years but I would be extremely uncomfortable at someone thinking it appropriate to ask about how my husband is in bed!

X-post, Lotsolove!

Please OP.....encourage your dd to speak to her line manager ...the person senior to her supervisor....this kind of thing should really not have to be tolerated in the workplace

All the best op

HR, line manager (or equivalent to) or encourage her to build up her resilience. If she's not able or doesn't want to raise it as an issue she needs to do her bit to deal with it. It's not okay or fair but wherever she is she'll find rude people like that.

I do hope she's okay

I think the role play is a great idea. I used to do the same with ds’s. I’d be the ‘aggressor’ and they could practice comebacks until they’d come up with something suitable they were able to say. The more she practices the easier it’ll get.

I used to be the same (and still can be at times), but I’m a lot more assertive after I did a couple of assertiveness courses.

Some people make themselves feel better by belittling others.

Have you (she) got clear examples of bullying incidents? Specific situations that made DD feel harassed/ bullied / let down.

I think it would be worth her speaking to HR about this, but only if she has very clear examples to use, what happened and when. It can't be wishy washy or it will be brushed aside, and things will be worse.

That sounds awful what bitches .
I’d be like you op I have a adult dc and I’d feel like I should go down and have a word ( I wouldn’t of course though) .
My advice encourage her to speak up bullying is not ok and needs to be dealt with . Ask her if her line manager or senior is approachable? I hate anything like this I was very timid when that age and a few bullies in my time it’s awful when you don’t want to speak up or feel you can’t .
Perhaps she can put something in writing or have a informal chat with someone senior whatever she fees more comfortable with .

First thing I would do is reassure her that if she ends up without this job that's ok. Whether she feels she isn't able to challenge it and cant cope or she challenges it and it gets worse or whatever. If she walks out without a backwards glance you will feed her, house her and support her no matter what. I agree role playing is good. Maybe her boyfriend could help with this. And definitely start job hunting. There may be another perfect job locally but she wont know unless she is looking.

She should keep notes of everything - what was said, who said it, and who witnessed it, with dates and times.

Actively look and secure another job.

Then tell HR exactly why she is leaving - it tends to mean she will leave with a nice little package.

People like this really annoy me.