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Original poster

“And I see you’re expecting another one!” No. No I’m not.

67 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 21/06/2021 13:12

Minor rant, and I know there are bigger things in the great scheme of things, but twice in the last few weeks I have been told i’m pregnant (i’m definitely not).

I have dd2 with me who is 18 months old. Since she was born i’ve gone from my usual 10-12 to size 14. Dd2 was a large baby (csection at 38 weeks because of this, and she was already 9lbs 8), lots of extra water, and a huge placenta (i gathered that last part from the csection surgeon’s “Bloody hell!”), so i got pretty stretched out of shape and it doesn’t appear to be going away naturally like it did with dd1. I feel pretty self-conscious about this, but am having difficulty losing any of the weight partly due to a year of lockdown with a bored and fractious toddler, and partly having no childcare outside of my part-time work hours. I feel rubbish about it.

But i also feel furious at the women who say this - who says this to a stranger? There are many women around me who are larger than me. Does everyone get this periodically? I just feel crap about myself in a way that i didn’t this morning. Do they genuinely believe it and that they are being kind, or is it just a socially acceptable way to say “Gosh, you’re fat”?

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 21/06/2021 13:33

That's awful @RubaiyatOfAnyone.

I don't know what cutting barb you could come back with but if someone said something like that to me I would probably go in to such detail and watch them squirm. Perhaps someone else will be along with some suitable retorts for these really insensitive gobshites!

Notcontent · 21/06/2021 14:02

I thought it was a social rule that you don’t comment on people’s pregnancy unless you know them well and you are absolutely sure they are pregnant!!!!

CrumpetsForAll · 21/06/2021 14:04

‘No- why?’ Should be enough to make them want to dig a very deep hole and climb inside

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Original poster

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 21/06/2021 14:33

Thank you
Witty comebacks require space left for reply, which there definitely wasn’t today. The last time i had a gap so said “No…?” But she just shrugged and asked how old my little boy was (dd2 was uncharacteristically wearing pink flowery trousers that day, so that just felt personal )

OP posts:

nutellamagnet · 21/06/2021 14:35

I find saying cheerfully "no, I'm just fat" works. Especially if you can look the person in the eye while saying it to watch them squirm.

It's not much fun for me no, but I feel like the person who's been so rude needs to know they have been.

hilariousnamehere · 21/06/2021 14:36

Oh I'm sorry you've had to deal with this OP.

Has happened to me a few times and I style it out with "nope, can't bear children, I just like cake " and pat my tummy.

Freaks people out nicely thinking they might have put their foot in it over my weight and fertility and watching them squirm and backtrack after being rude is great.

I don't want children, to the best of my knowledge I'm not infertile, but I have friends who are struggling with infertility and the casual way people comment in ways that would be immensely hurtful to them makes me sad and cross. Hopefully they'll think twice next time.

Wombat24 · 21/06/2021 14:39

I've never had kids & people have said that to me...

It's just plain rude.

genei · 21/06/2021 14:40

I can't stand the way people comment on our bodies .

I had a workman out December .. he came back the other day and said " oh ur not .. or are you.. oh are you pregnant ?"

I was like yeah I am. At this point I was about 5 months so just bloat more than anything plus 1 stone weight gain .

It really annoyed me that he was standing there going are u aren't you.. genuinely not sure if I was put fatter then when he last saw me or pregnant .

It's a joke and I'm sorry you had for experience it . I would absolutely never comment on another ladies appearance . The only time I did was at a baby group when I had seen someone looking very pregnant and heard her say she was due any day I then felt safe to say" I'm pregnant too" when discussing our little ones.

Wombat24 · 21/06/2021 14:40

But yeah, I normally say no, I'm just fat. 😁

Greenbks · 21/06/2021 14:41

You can say something like

how rude, I’m Not pregnant and you should think twice before calling someone fat

SinkGirl · 21/06/2021 14:43

People are idiots. When I had my twins, one was in nicu for two weeks then came home, the other was in for 8 weeks. Every day I would bring tiny DT1 in, carrying him in his car seat. He must have been 4 weeks old but was 5 weeks early - he was about 5lb.

A woman in the lift looked at my belly and said “oh, when are you due, must be any day now!”. I don’t know what marvel of medicine she thought must be, but I stared at her and she clicked and went very red.

DisgruntledPelican · 21/06/2021 14:44

“No, just fat!” works, even if you do have a little cry later. Agree with a pp that it is the height of rudeness to speculate about a pregnancy or comment on someone’s appearance.

Dreading this happening in the near future, as DS is 16mo and I am quite a lot fatter than I was before I had him.

Juno231 · 21/06/2021 14:44

I had people ask me if I was pregnant even when I was a size 8-10 but happened to be bloated that day... People are idiots.

Have you been checked for diastasis recti btw? Just in case it's preventing your tummy from returning to its normal size.

ConstantCrayfish · 21/06/2021 14:49

I carry my weight on my stomach and have had this constantly since I was late teens. Nowadays I just shrug it off and people are mortified (which is the worst bit) but it used to be very painful and upsetting. I'm not exactly skinny everywhere else but my tummy does stick out as I don't have very big boobs, and PCOS means I do have rather 'male pattern' weight gain.

Ironically I've been pregnant three times and because my bump was mostly hidden by the flab people often didn't actually realise. One maternity cover came to meet me two weeks before I went on ML, at around 37 weeks, and asked me why I was leaving the job. An ex of mine, who worked in the same building and saw me regularly in the office, professed to be astonished when I had one of my children as he'd had no idea I was pregnant. After years and years of being offered seats on public transport, almost no one did when I really needed it.

I have no idea why people feel the need to be so personal, but it has come from good intentions on many occasions so can be hard to be assertive in return. I also myself once offered a seat to a woman on the tube and caused great offence, so even I have been guilty of it.

Basically I tend to refer to my cake baby or similar and try to move on asap if it's someone I have to have a conversation with. At my age it's now becoming somewhat of a slight compliment that anyone thinks I could still feasibly be pregnant at first glance.

The weirdest thing is when it comes from someone who's known me for some time. My figure doesn't particularly change so I have to assume I've worn a particularly unflattering outfit when that happens. The time a colleague asked me if I was expecting twins was a low point.

ragged · 21/06/2021 14:51

I can't stand the way people comment on our bodies

Total hypocrisy I am quietly convinced that feeling is shared by almost no one.

Almost no one would be upset to be told that they 'look good' in an outfit, or that their hair is nice, or their eyes are lovely. Virtually no one is insulted by those comments. In fact, people often feel quite put out if they don't hear those comments especially from a partner if they made an effort to look sexy. People who run fast for fun or a living, or who made a huge effort to have great technique at sport they want to hear praise for their body's achievements.

I would take the 'expecting' comment as chance for a joke ("I just like cake" is perfect). It's only an insult if YOU think being fat makes someone inferior. If YOU have that prejudice. You should not presume that everyone shares YOUR prejudice.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 21/06/2021 14:56

old lady from church walked up to me once, put her hand on my belly and asked "and how old is this one?"
so I said "41"

Snuggleworm · 21/06/2021 15:01

I am 48 and menopausal and was asked last week by a girl in the hairdressers, was I pregnant. I said no I wasn't and she actually came around the counter to look and make sure.

I am a size 10/12 , slimish arms and legs, bum etc but my tummy sticks out at a weird angle due to fibroids. I am going to see a specialist soon.

I just thought it was so rude of her to firstly ask, and then not believe me and come around to look for herself. I was so gobsmacked but managed to say " oh I am glad you think I look young enough to be pregnant but I cried when I got home.

Gullible2021 · 21/06/2021 15:02

Recently my answer was,

"I wish I was pregnant, I always wanted children. I'm being investigated for suspected ovarian cancer at the moment.
It's not a baby. It could be a tumour though."

Luckily, it's not ovarian cancer or a tumour but a digestive problem.

Still..:hopefully they'll have learned to shut up next time.

Throughtheday · 21/06/2021 15:06

I get this a lot. I usually say no, I’m just fat or no, I was destroyed by three 11-pounders, depending on how much I like them. My aunt once asked and we had a whole conversation about how embarrassing it was. At the end she said, no, but really, when are you due?

Bloatstoat · 21/06/2021 15:06

OP it's awful and you're quite right to be angry. I've just had my 3rd baby, C-section sounding similar to yours and diastasis recti, given I used to get comments a lot after DD1 when I wasn't nearly so big i'm dreading getting out and about again. People seem to have no awareness or common sense and it's really hurtful.

ConstantCrayfish · 21/06/2021 15:15

It's only an insult if YOU think being fat makes someone inferior. If YOU have that prejudice. You should not presume that everyone shares YOUR prejudice.

I suspect most of us would love to shed the internalised shame of being anything less than slim and toned all over but the world we live in (and MN of course) isn't particularly supportive of that right now. You're asking a great deal of people who may well have been on the end of unpleasant comments their whole lives, and telling them that they are the wrong thinkers for finding that hard lacks empathy.

Kokosrieksts · 21/06/2021 15:17

That is so insensitive, some women never get rid of the baby belly due to split abs, sorry you’ve been having these comments.

PurpleDaisies · 21/06/2021 15:21

It’s not so much of a joke if you’ve just had a miscarriage or it’s endometriosis making you look pregnant. It’s a devastating question to be asked in those circumstances.

No one should ever comment that someone looks pregnant. And you’re being totally ridiculous to think any woman who isn’t pregnant wants to be told she looks like she is.

Seesawmummadaw · 21/06/2021 15:41

Just say ‘yes although I think you are a bit further on than me’.

HelebethH · 21/06/2021 15:43

Same thing happened to a friend I was out with one day. Her reaction was a very surpised stare and said " Gosh, why would you think that!. The other person looked very embarressed and mumbled a hasty retreat.

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