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Original poster

“And I see you’re expecting another one!” No. No I’m not.

67 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 21/06/2021 13:12

Minor rant, and I know there are bigger things in the great scheme of things, but twice in the last few weeks I have been told i’m pregnant (i’m definitely not).

I have dd2 with me who is 18 months old. Since she was born i’ve gone from my usual 10-12 to size 14. Dd2 was a large baby (csection at 38 weeks because of this, and she was already 9lbs 8), lots of extra water, and a huge placenta (i gathered that last part from the csection surgeon’s “Bloody hell!”), so i got pretty stretched out of shape and it doesn’t appear to be going away naturally like it did with dd1. I feel pretty self-conscious about this, but am having difficulty losing any of the weight partly due to a year of lockdown with a bored and fractious toddler, and partly having no childcare outside of my part-time work hours. I feel rubbish about it.

But i also feel furious at the women who say this - who says this to a stranger? There are many women around me who are larger than me. Does everyone get this periodically? I just feel crap about myself in a way that i didn’t this morning. Do they genuinely believe it and that they are being kind, or is it just a socially acceptable way to say “Gosh, you’re fat”?

OP posts:

KaleJuicer · 21/06/2021 15:48

This is why I never ever ever assume a woman is pregnant - I wait to see her holding a baby! My mum thinks I’m mad but I’d rather fail to congratulate someone than make them cry.

KaleJuicer · 21/06/2021 15:49

Obvs I am full of congratulations if they TELL me!

Willdoitlater · 21/06/2021 15:50

Just smile and walk away with a clear conscience knowing YOU are a nice person.

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5475878237NC · 21/06/2021 15:50

Also there may be reasons you wouldn't want it broadcast by these random rude people!

supermodel · 21/06/2021 15:50

Has happened to me a lot, can’t believe people think it’s ok to comment in this way. I usually say no just fat but it makes me want to cry. I am 56 now and it has still happened so I try to think well at least it means I look young but it hurts. I hate the feeling when you know someone is looking at your tummy and you know what’s coming next .........

Justcurious93 · 21/06/2021 15:51

It's happened to me a fair few times and I'm a size 10 (no kids yet). I always feel mortified but just say no I like food they always look mortified then!

Original poster

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 21/06/2021 15:52

Thank you all, there’s a lot of comfort in solidarity

I’m sorry so many of you have had the same, especially for non-baby reasons. I know if i’d had this after my mmc I’d have been completely devastated.

I think the main hurt is that it comes out of the blue when you were going about your everyday life not thinking about your appearance. Imagine going up to a random man on the street when he’s carrying shopping along and pointing at his growing bald spot and saying loudly “I see you’re shaving your head weird!” Then walking off before he can respond.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba thank you for a proper out-loud laugh.

OP posts:

TheBobJog · 21/06/2021 15:55

This is why I drummed it into my husband and kids that you don't comment on a women being pregnant unless you can see the head crowning.

Topseyt · 21/06/2021 15:56

I have no idea why people feel the need to comment on the appearance of others like this. It is so rude and can be very hurtful.

Many may be well meaning but thoughtless. They don't engage their brains.

Pull them up on it immediately. Saying "no, just fat" does tend to shame most of them into shutting up.

PurpleDaisies · 21/06/2021 15:57

@TheBobJog

This is why I drummed it into my husband and kids that you don't comment on a women being pregnant unless you can see the head crowning.

I’ve never had a “when’s it due?” comment from a man. I wonder if that’s the same for others.

ComDummings · 21/06/2021 15:59

@TheBobJog

This is why I drummed it into my husband and kids that you don't comment on a women being pregnant unless you can see the head crowning.

Absolutely. Unless you actually see a baby exiting her vagina, never ever assume a woman is pregnant. Sorry OP, it’s crap but that person was rude!

Justcurious93 · 21/06/2021 16:00

I think men don't think about it in the same way. When I cried to DP about it he said "aw well they think you're so nice and someone loves you and wants to have a baby with you it's not an insult". I was like

Toolateplanting · 21/06/2021 16:02

I remember the totally confused expression on the face of a (female, but clearly a bit naive ) work acquaintance of my husband’s on running into us with our tiny newborn in pram. She looked at me and said ‘but.. are u having another already?’
It was too ridiculous to even be annoyed or hurt as you could just see her gaping and trying to figure it out. Maybe she just thought everyone ‘snapped back’ right away and this was a crushing moment of reality.

Kdubs1981 · 21/06/2021 16:03

@Notcontent

I thought it was a social rule that you don’t comment on people’s pregnancy unless you know them well and you are absolutely sure they are pregnant!!!!

This!!!!

TheBobJog · 21/06/2021 16:04

I’ve never had a “when’s it due?” comment from a man. I wonder if that’s the same for others

My DH said something once, ONCE when we bumped into an old work colleague who was with his wife. It was a 'wow congratulations!' comment. Thankfully she actually was pregnant, but I think they were barely out of earshot before I was hissing don't ever bloody do that again! at him

OwlIsBeingAnOwl · 21/06/2021 16:04

I've had this by a well-meaning colleague. They were mortified when I said I wasn't pregnant. I was still slim(ish) but - as now - had a sticking out, pregnant-looking middle, so don't really blame her.

I never comment on anyone's apparent pregnancy, no matter how obvious, unless they've confirmed it first!
BTW I'm now doing specific exercises to address the transverse abdominal muscles. Not sure how much it's doing at the moment but it's helping me feel more in control iyswim. I totally get about not having time though.

Gullible2021 · 21/06/2021 16:09

I’ve never had a “when’s it due?” comment from a man. I wonder if that’s the same for others.

ALWAYS women in my experience. Same when I turn down an alcoholic drink. Eyes go straight to my belly and I get an "ooooooooohhhhhh" before I remind them that I just don't drink and no I'm not pregnant. Once I even got an "oooooooohhhh" AND a hand on the belly at a wedding where there was a huge deal made of the fact that I attended single (as I'd been single for two years).

BogRollBOGOF · 21/06/2021 16:12

Most of my pregnancy rumours start after lunch. I'm slim but bloat easily, and the arch of my back and small bust highlight any spare inch on my waist.

When I was pregnant, I carried all out in front very obviously and had several arguments with random strangers who clearly knew more about my due date and contents of my uterus than I did!

Postnatally, it's an unfortunate irony that seperated muscles or CS overhangs can mimic a more pregnant shape.

mam0918 · 21/06/2021 16:15

I was always confused when people complained about others assuming they where pregnant - I was like 'but no one does that unless they see the head crowning'.

With my first 2 pregnancies I had 'basket ball' bumps even when heavily pregnant no one ever said anything without first being told I was pregnant.

With my 3rd pregnancy I had a 'watermelon' bump and from about 6 months the comments rolled in thick and fast out of nowhere, It totally took me by suprise that complete strangers would just declare how pregnant I was.

The first person to do it was a shop assistant, I was 5 months pregnant and she just exclaimed 'well your round arent you' and I almost thought 'she cant be talking to me, a complete stranger' but she then came closer and carried on with 'Are you pregnant?'.

I awkwardly nodded and she dragged me to the 'maternity' section (not what I was there for) but with hindsight I wish I had had the presence of mine to say 'No' just to see how she would have reacted.

mam0918 · 21/06/2021 16:16

@Gullible2021

I’ve never had a “when’s it due?” comment from a man. I wonder if that’s the same for others.

Iterestingly only 1 man comment on mine too, the rest where all women.

AlGorithim · 21/06/2021 16:21

A woman on a tube tried to offer me a seat, I said 'no thank you' as I was fine standing and was only a couple of stops from home but she persisted and said really loudly 'aren't you pregnant though?'

It was mortifying and I could see people smirking so I just said 'no, I'm not pregnant' with a Paddington stare. She wouldn't let it go, but instead started making excuses by saying it was my coat, scarf and flat shoes which made her think it. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, WOMAN!

So rude.

ConstantCrayfish · 21/06/2021 16:29

Plenty of comments from men here over the years. The best one was the very nicest kind of man who was being very judgemental over me drinking at a party because he had decided I was pregnant. And then he told his wife I was drunk and pregnant (it was a work thing of my partner's where no one knew me) and she and her friends cut me dead through the night. It was only at the end when I was helping tidy up and they asked me if I was OK reaching for things on the ground that I realised what had been going on and set them straight, politely. (I also wasn't remotely drunk.)

Fyredraca · 21/06/2021 16:40

I was in the doctor's surgery years ago with toddler dd. I still had a big stomach as I had problems with my abdominal muscles which have since been resolved.
An old lady was chatting kindly to dd and then said to me "oh you really will have your hands full soon " nodding at my bump.
She asked when I was due, as I didn't know her and doubted we'd meet again I just said "April" then cried in the car later.
People really should just keep shut.

Pinkypink · 21/06/2021 16:47

I am a size 8 but always have a bit of a tummy. Used to get asked all the time when I was due. Still get asked occasionally. It is so embarrassing and upsetting.
My best response is: no, are you?

forpeeetssake · 21/06/2021 16:50

I don't have any DCs but carry weight on my tummy esp when my period's due, and have been asked a couple of times about my forthcoming arrival. The last time it was a friend of a friend who annoys the shit out of me anyway as she's really full of herself and condescending so I just gave her a Paddington hard stare and said 'I'm not pregnant love I'm fat'. It was at a party in front of loads of people, she was mortified and I was victorious!

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