Tired of hiding my disability. Ideas on dealing with stares and comments?

[MayorMumbum]

I have a deformity of the legs (one leg is significantly larger than the other) along with scarring on the other, normal sized leg. I've had this since birth and have been concealing it as best I can since I was around nine.
I'll be in my mid thirties this month and I've had enough. I'm so tired of dreading the summer traipsing around in black jeans (even at the beach). Having to walk past all the pretty summer maxi dresses etc because I'm scared the wind will show my leg when I walk.
Please can someone give me some guidance on how not to care anymore. I got stared at and bullied when I was young and it's left a permanent fear of my legs being seen. I won't be walking around in a mini skirt but I'd love to get to a place where I wasn't worried about ankle-length dresses. I'm just so bloody hot all of the time!
I'm also overweight due to said disability and I feel like not ever being able to wear pretty clothes really demotivates me from losing it.
I just don't know if I'll be able to deal with the stares and comments from people.

Hello! This is not the same at all but my mate was really upset with her varicose veins (they are v protruding and colourful, I think she’s got lovely legs whatever). Anyway she does maxi dresses /skirts but only cotton/ linen for coolness and then puts little weights in the bottom seam (think you can get them from John Lewis /sewing stores). As to people being rude… honestly it’s their problem, their rudeness, I would be so ashamed of knowing someone like that and wouldn’t be friends with them tbh. Sorry you experience it :(

I dont have a deformity but i do have very bad psoriasis all over my body which i dont know if even equates to what you have gone through. But i do get the stares and the whispers but i refuse to live my life in long sleeve tops and trousers.

My advice... go for it. And perfect the glare... you see someone whispering stare at them... stare at them until they are uncomfortable.

Also those people that are whispering and pointing.... how little of a life must they have that the only thing interesting they can find is your deformity.

You may find the comments are less as your an adult now. Kids can be cruel but to other kids.

I dunno i hope this has helped somewhat and i know very much my psoriasis is not comparable but i do get it.

I'm quite short also (really won the genetic lottery didn't I ) so maxis aren't super flattering. Although weights are a great idea if I found any that looked good.

I had a horrible injury on one of my lower legs (before it was amputated) and like you, I hid it for years. I found myself in the same state as you, sick of covering it up. I got a bit of counselling. She basically told me to woman up and get out there! It kinda worked because I did! I just smiled at starers and got on with my life. It takes some guts but it can be done. Good luck 💐

Also short here @MayorMumbum! Are you buying petite maxi dresses? The ones that are proportioned down can actually be flattering!

I've not bought on in years to be honest so couldn't tell you!

Agree, you have to style it out, but that does take confidence. I have a loud, screeching, ticcing, drooling autistic teenager and we get stared at a lot when we go out. A cheery good morning often helps.

Maybe it would help to think through why people are staring? It's human nature if we see something unusual to want to check it out and understand it. People who are self aware and kind will make themselves ignore your leg. Some people might stare accidentally or without realising. Those who make comments are dicks, but must have something wrong in their lives if they feel the need to put down a total stranger. Sorry you have to deal with this but I hope you can enjoy wearing a maxi dress.

Buy the dress!

People generally give less of a shit than you imagine. Yes, they might notice and stare, but also most people are decent. They don’t necessarily mean anything bad by looking, it’s just a reflex action

What dresses are tempting you? Post a pic!

make sure you really love whatever you're wearing (fit, fabric, colour etc) If the desire to wear it is strong, that will go a long way towards helping you have the confidence to wear it.

Also, depending on your budget you could try out different styles etc by buying a selection from charity shops. You could experiment a bit more that way with some cheaper dresses and see what you feel good in. Lots of charity shops are also doing returns at the moment due to Covid, so you could try them on at home.

Just want to say I am disabled so understand the worry of being noticed, but your comfort & enjoying your life needs to trump other people noticing you. The idea of weights in the bottom of maxi dresses is a good one. Just wondering if it is nice weather u may feel more confident wearing sunglasses with dark or reflective lenses so you avoid the eye contact. I am bigger, need to wear trainers, maxi dresses but cannot wear bras or anything due to scarring/neuro pain,!I have big bazooms so have been putting on a coat when its been hot as I am big & need to cover the Bazzooms!! Currently thinking need to find some better maxi dresses which do not look like I am not wearing a bra and have no seams!! So I totally understand your predicament but make sure you get something sorted with yoir clothing so you feel more comfortable and live your life I buy my maxi dresses from Bon Prix

I agree with pp
Lifes too short!

I also have bad scarring and a pronounced limp and some days it gets me down but mostly I realise that the majority of people don't care and if they do stare or are rude I personally just ignore them and think they don't know my life or what I've had to ensure so sod them!

If you’ve been hiding for over 20 years I doubt you could change your mindset overnight, however have you tried wearing lighter summer trousers rather than jeans? If the size difference is not noticeable in jeans it won’t be in trousers. I think weights in the hem of a long dress is a great idea.

People will notice less than you think but I imagine after struggling with this since you were nine it will be hard to believe that. Do you have anyone who can support you when you first venture out in a dress?

Re the weights, search on ebay for 'hem weights' - they used to be really common in the 50s and apparently the Queen uses them to make sure her skirts don't fly up!

They're designed to be stitched into the hem and not be seen. There are lots of different types. Tip - if you use the corded type, pass the cuts ends through a candle flame. It fuses the threads together and stops them coming unravelled.

I have 2 children with complex needs who are stared at all the time when we are out.
I have learnt to ignore it mostly with a bit of practice but if anyone stares too long or nudges and whispers others to make sure they look as well I give them my famous death stare which I have perfected over the years. Wearing glasses is priceless as I make eye contact over the top of them to make it obvious and most people look away immediately because you are signalling that you are aware of what they are doing.
So top tip is wear sunglasses if you are not a glasses wearer and brazen it out. Honestly it will be worth it ! Good luck .

Hi op just wanted to post to support you! I think above suggestion of some light linen trousers is a great one to ease you in, maybe. I would buy a selection of maxi dresses online with free returns. Try and find one you love and feel great in! Sunglasses also a great suggestion. I have a hidden disability and am also sick of trying to pretend I haven’t!! Good luck x

My (only) idea is that you should practice wearing them around your house & garden for all the time. So eventually you’ll start eg opening the door to deliveries and putting the bins out, or just nipping out to the car.
Then go for a walk around the block, or to the corner shop.
Til you’re not thinking about it so much?
Actually, would long light trousers be good as an in between?

I used to be covered head to toe in psoriasis years ago and I only ever had one person comment on it. Most people won't even notice your leg and if they do , they will be people you will never see again and they will have forgotten it after a few seconds. Especially a glimpse under a maxi dress. The heat made my skin itch like crazy so I had to just tell myself all the above and just brave it out.

Are there other, cool/airy clothes you might be able to wear instead of going from jeans to a skirt?

What about wide leg/palazzo trousers in a light fabric?

Or harem style bottoms?

I like long dresses, but generally prefer summer trousers. H&M have some light, wide leg trousers. Also I got a pair of black jersey drawstring bottoms possibly pyjamas with a cuffed ankle, in Primark. They are very comfy and look ok with sandals or trainers and a t-shirt.

If there are styles you like, Maybe MN can help with suggestions?

I have a friend in a wheelchair and when we meet for lunch, I see people do look at him, mainly out of natural curiosity I suppose.
There is a difference between looking and commenting, and I would hope that comments aren't that frequent or nasty. (I don't mean looking = staring, that is rude too)

I get tics, physical and verbal. On a bad day, people stare which makes it worse so they stare some more. I end up hiding in toilets until it settles down.

I know I can just go out on quieter days, whereas your leg is a permanent fixture, but just wanted you to know you're not alone. Sorry I'm no help.

These are the maxi dresses I buy in black etc I am 5ft3 ish and do not trip in them, the fabric is stretchy, ideal weight of fabric for spring/autumn. But I will carry on wearing them for as long as I can in the summer until get too warm www.bonprix.co.uk/products/a-line-maxi-dress/_/A-950453_10?searchResults=true&PFM_rsn=search&PFM_ref=false&PFM_psp=own&PFM_lpn=1&PFM_trm=a+line+maxi

OP I haven't got experience of a disability so maybe shouldn't comment, but I promise you the vast majority of people won't notice. Please wear a maxi dress, they are super cool and - in the right length - very flattering. I often wear them and have never had an issue with them blowing up and revealing my legs, but the suggestion of a weighted hem is a really good idea.

@Chocciebiscuit I don't know if this would help you but there are mastectomy tops with built in bras. They are like vest tops and there are pockets sewn in for prosthetics but you don't have to use them. A lot of people only have one sided mastectomies so they will support normal breasts too. They are expensive but if they work for you would be so much more comfortable then a coat in warm weather.
To the OP I can't completely understand because my "deformities" only happened in adulthood so I don't carry the hurt from childhood but I just get on with wearing what I like and ignore if people look.
Mainly they are looking because they've subliminally noticed something different and they are trying to figure out what it is.
Some people can control their eyes and facial expressions but a lot can't.
I'm also short and chubby and recommend midi dresses for normal people as a maxi dress. If you get heavier cotton with no splits in the side they don't blow up.
My body is normal length though it's my legs that make me short so petite can often have the bust/waist in the wrong place for me.
If your more evenly proportioned petite will work better.

With regards to comments/stares I use a rollator/mobility scooter/wheel chair and am getting more used to people looking but if they look friendly then I say a polite hello otherwise I just ignore, most people are nice do not let idiots get in the way of you enjoying your life x