Tired of hiding my disability. Ideas on dealing with stares and comments?

[MayorMumbum]

I have a deformity of the legs (one leg is significantly larger than the other) along with scarring on the other, normal sized leg. I've had this since birth and have been concealing it as best I can since I was around nine.
I'll be in my mid thirties this month and I've had enough. I'm so tired of dreading the summer traipsing around in black jeans (even at the beach). Having to walk past all the pretty summer maxi dresses etc because I'm scared the wind will show my leg when I walk.
Please can someone give me some guidance on how not to care anymore. I got stared at and bullied when I was young and it's left a permanent fear of my legs being seen. I won't be walking around in a mini skirt but I'd love to get to a place where I wasn't worried about ankle-length dresses. I'm just so bloody hot all of the time!
I'm also overweight due to said disability and I feel like not ever being able to wear pretty clothes really demotivates me from losing it.
I just don't know if I'll be able to deal with the stares and comments from people.

Maxi dresses and jumpsuits are my go-to for summer. It means I don’t have to be slathering my legs with sunscreen too which makes me feel more uncomfortable. I’m 5‘ and my favourite petite ranges are Boden, ASOS, Seasalt, lucy&yak, and Next. Especially sales of the pricier Boden and seasalt. I have a selection of things along these lines . I don’t like people staring and dont have the confidence to just go for it and at 60 I can’t see me getting to the stage where I don’t care. I want to feel as relaxed as possible when I’m out so I do cover up my legs.

I do love jumpsuits but I'm also quite tubby so not sure they would look that nice. I'm a bit of a goth really, but I think I'd have probably grown out of it a little by now if I'd had more choice on what I can wear. The kids always bemoan that I never wear any other colour than black.

I worked in a lymphoedema clinic as a junior dr and have a sense of what you're going through

I wondered if snag tights might do something that would suit you that you could wear under dresses to start with? I remember them doing some really good Facebook posts around lipoedema which is similar. They do all sorts of personalised lengths and sizes of tights and leggings - even some capri length ones might help you feel confident to begin with

I bet you’ll get very few comments. Sometimes people will stare BUT most of the time you just feel they do because your self conscious. If you think of being on a beach and looking around or chatting to someone and just taking in the beach, your eyes often fall on someone but your brain isn’t actually thinking about that person and their body, your eyes are on them but you’re thinking about the beach, or what to have for lunch or the conversation.

I'm currently waiting on a black compression stocking that comes in three pieces. I get the sense it's quite new tech and looks so much more comfortable than the ones I used to wear (I've been terrible about compression for years because of poor mental health). I think that would make me feel better as it may just look like a cast or a bandage.

Most people won't even notice, those that do most give it a second thought, and the ones that do f*ck them...as my mum would say they're the ones with the problem not you.

I bought some chub rub shorts for under dresses. I'm very overweight. I put them on and wear long floaty dresses. They're a game changer. I'm self conscious, but at 42, I've decided I can't spend another summer in jeans. I feel free and naked and like a big fat forest fairy now! Whoop!

Probably not on the same level, but I have a very large and ‘ugly’ keloid scar on a limb.

I’ve had it since childhood and used to get some really horrible comments from children and teenagers.

I haven’t really had any unkind comments as an adult beyond “what is that / are you hurt / what happened” which I don’t consider rude especially as long as it isn’t done with a disgusted face.

I’m not sure there is a ‘one size fits all’ approach for learning to love your ‘imperfections’. I’ve always thought my scar is part of me, and overall I’m happy. I’ve never tried to hide it in summer (except I have to be careful to put super high factor SPF on it!) I expect I would have had a harder job if it had been on my face though.

I wonder if some counselling would be helpful to try and reframe your thoughts patterns around you legs?

Who do you admire more? Someone who looks down on anyone who doesn’t look ‘regular’ or someone who looks at others comfortable in their own skin (whatever skin they are in) and think ‘good on you, you go girl’. If I saw you out flashing your legs I would be full of admiration for you and so pleased there were woman like you as a role model for my daughter saying it’s ok to be me whatever that me looks like. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable for the twats in the world who might judge you. Why would you care what a twat thinks of you anyway?

I have these OP. I’m not a frilly, flowery person either (I was a punk in the 70s). I find jumpsuits (I also only like Black or at a pinch navy or khaki) and these despite being small and plump are surprisingly flattering and lengthening. I get compliments esp in the jumpsuit. I’d love not to care about people staring but I do and can’t get over it. So I try to find cool things for summer that still cover the areas I’m not comfortable about having on show.

I like those yik yak dungarees a lot but I can't wear anything tapered/skinny at the ankle, literally wouldn't be able to fit my leg in.

What about wide-legged pallazzo (dodgy spelling) type trousers? in a light fabric?
Just to break you into "not jeans", and so that you're cooler but still "protected" iyswim.

I don’t have anything to add to what everyone else has already said, but there’s a lady on Instagram who posts about body image and disability: nina_tame. She doesn’t have lymphoedema but might be interesting.

I have found these socks useful under maxi dresses with trainers, they fit up to 87cm at calf and for me cover up a multitude of sins, granted they are not glamorous or cheap but they are good quality. www.thesizeexperts.co.uk/product/all-woman-superwide-cotton-socks/

@pussycatlickinglollyices

What about wide-legged pallazzo (dodgy spelling) type trousers? in a light fabric? Just to break you into "not jeans", and so that you're cooler but still "protected" iyswim.

Yes that is what I was going to suggest as an intermediate step.

I think when you’re trying to overcome fears (rational or irrational) you have the choice of jumping in and going full immersion, as it were, or else taking a “graded exposure” approach of easing yourself in by degrees.

Palazzo pants, culottes or dungarees would all make good compromises on the way to dresses, IYSWIM.

Maybe hypnotherapy would also help?

MayorMumBum. It might be a good idea to start a thread in the style and beauty section. There are some really helpful and knowledgeable people on there. They’ve recommended all sorts of brands I’d never heard of and might know where to look or what sort of thing might be good.

Adults are generally a lot kinder than children. Maybe find one dress you like (great idea to get something from a charity shop/Primark so you’re not heavily invested) and make a dare with yourself/the kids to wear it for one hot day eg to a park for a picnic or even just to the supermarket. Grit your teeth and do it. If it’s horrible and people are shits and you feel terrible you never have to do it again. But odds are no one will notice and certainly not comment. People truly do come in every shape and they aren’t looking critically at each other for something to comment on.

Random suggestion but if you’re in London the Kenwood Ladies Pond on Hampstead Heath is the most body positive place I’ve ever been. Women of all ages sizes and types living and letting live.

Do palazzo pants look silly with trainers? Trainers are the only footwear I can wear (actually wore converse on my wedding day haha!)

@Pandoraslastchance I love what you said...

yes I get a few looks because my mastecomy is obvious but I'm fucking fed of being uncomfortable just so others can have a prettier view Yes, this.

OP you've had some excellent ideas here - wear new clothes at home til you're ready for being seen by people who aren't your family. But go for it!

@MayorMumbum

Do palazzo pants look silly with trainers? Trainers are the only footwear I can wear (actually wore converse on my wedding day haha!)

No that would look great.

@MayorMumbum

Do palazzo pants look silly with trainers? Trainers are the only footwear I can wear (actually wore converse on my wedding day haha!)

No, trainers will be fine.

Get this printed on your dress ‘Leg story £10’ I’ve seen a few people with that as a T-shirt. I think it’s great!

Carly Findlay is an amazing writer and disability advocate who often addresses issues such as this. Follow her on Instagram/Facebook; she has very wise words on 'difference' and appearance.

@Chocciebiscuit Try Molke bra's too. Very comfortable sports bra style bra. I find them hard to put on without help, but so comfortable once in them!

@MayorMumbum I understand. It is hard to make the first step, especially when you know some people will stare or make comments.

When I first started needing to use a wheelchair and I had to take it down on the school run, I was terrified. I honestly thought I was going to die (panic attack). Worried what people would say and stare. I had a good friend who went with me. I got home and went to bed shaking from the stress of doing it. It took me a week to get the courage to do it again, this time with my DH. Then it was every few days and now I go twice a day with no worries at all.

So get a nice dress, grab a friend and get out there!

The first time will be hard, but it does get easier.