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Paternity fraud and it’s legacy for children

61 replies

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 19/06/2021 19:59

I’m fairly certain my older sister lied about the paternity of one of her children, I’m not sure why she’d do this but she did have a lot of problems in her life, the child is now an adult. This is what some people call paternity fraud. Another sister pointed out how much the child looks like an old boyfriend she had a very quick fling with while ‘on a break’ with a longer term partner a number of years ago. No one else knows and of course we can’t be completely certain but the dates tie up and her child does not look anything like the man she says is his father, I mean actually opposite in build, height, colouring. Also looks nothing like my sister. I haven’t mentioned it again to anyone since my other sister brought it up and we haven’t spoken about it since.
My sister separated from the fake father a long time ago and recently passed away, leaving the child in question with only one parent, who is probably not their parent. The secret perhaps should die with her. I’m trying to look after her child a bit so spending a bit of time together and when Dad comes up, It’s really difficult. I feel I’m lying and it’s very uncomfortable. I overheard a conversation with my DS ‘well my dad is only x tall and I’m really tall, we look nothing like each other’ so clearly there’s no suspicion.

I’ve no intention of saying anything especially right now, but I’m an honest sort of person and the lie is really doing me in. I’m very fond of my sisters child and he has health problems which might be explained by genetics. I really think it’s a terrible thing for my sister to do, it’s hard not to think very badly of her. If the ‘fake’ dad ever realised to will be enormously hurtful to her child. And I can’t help thinking of the man who has missed out on a lifetime of parenting and the child who has missed out on his father

That’s it really. Any experiences to share would be great

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 19/06/2021 20:08

You can discern no family resemblance to your sister either? Perhaps you're a bit crap at it.

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 19/06/2021 20:11

What a weird reply Flibberty? I know what family resemblance is, having two kids of my own to different fathers, plus her other child looks like his father and also a bit like her, which is the norm, isn’t it?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/06/2021 20:15

How old is your niece?

Ultimately she can get a DNA test upload it to ancestry etc and find out that way probably through finding cousins or other biological paternal family.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 19/06/2021 20:18

Thanks Random. Yes a DNA test would show for sure. But My niece has no idea about this and I don’t want to be the one to tell her, I’m not even sure if I should tell her. Would you tell her?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/06/2021 20:20

How old is she?

FOJN · 19/06/2021 20:21

You only have suspicion, no confirmation. How would things work out if you revealed what you thought you knew and a paternity test proved you wrong? That would cause an awful lot of pain for no good reason. If your Sister was still alive you could have raised it with her but she isn't and everyone else seems perfectly happy. Lie or not this is your burden to bear.

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 19/06/2021 20:21

In her early twenties

OP posts:
PerciphonePuma · 19/06/2021 20:21

I would absolutely tell your nephew. He has a right to know

RandomMess · 19/06/2021 20:22

Well I would say that as she's got older you've had suspicions too but don't actually know either way.

FOJN · 19/06/2021 20:23

Would you tell her?

Not unless she asked. Please leave this alone.

RiderGirl · 19/06/2021 20:24

I don't know, but I can sympathise with how you're feeling. I have 3 sisters, and a long time ago heard that my mum had told her ex boyfriend once that my eldest sister's dad isn't the same as the rest of us, that she'd had a fling at the start of her relationship with my dad and she was the result, but she'd told my dad the baby was his. My mum has vehemently denied this, but I have my doubts, my elder sister is physically quite a lot different to the other 3 of us, and my mum doesn't exactly have the best track record. If it turned out to be true it would cause a lot of issues in an already fractured family, and I'd feel awful for my dad, so I have decided really probably just best to let sleeping dogs lie. And just pray my sister never needs a kidney or anything.

Dee1975 · 19/06/2021 20:25

No experience to share - but I think it’s a secret you will need to keep. Unless of course child has some life threatening condition and ‘father’ isn’t a match, you may need to track down ‘real’ one. Assuming your suspicions are true.
I don’t think any good could come out of spilling the beans. You need to bury it somewhere deep.

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 19/06/2021 20:25

Mind your own dam businessHmm

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 19/06/2021 20:26

FOJN I think you’re right this is my burden whether I like it or not. I did try to raise it with my sister by commenting in a hopeful lighthearted way how unlike the father the child looked but she had been really blonde till her teens too .tbh her reaction made me think there was a paternity issue .also I can see she wants blonde till her teens by photos. By age 8 she had brown hair.

OP posts:
FightingtheFoo · 19/06/2021 20:28

It's not a lie since you have nothing concrete to suggest that you're right.

Do not tug this thread any further. The damage you could do to a child who has already lost his mother is incomprehensible.

NiceGerbil · 19/06/2021 20:28

You have no idea whether that's true or not.

I have different hair (very very blonde, everyone else parents brother grandparents etc have dark brown hair).

There were loads of milkman jokes when I was young hahaha.

You also don't know what went on in their relationship. Even if it's not his how do you know he didn't know?

I know a family where this happened. The children were not aware but the new husband did. You have no idea what the situation is.

Don't interfere.

FOJN · 19/06/2021 20:28

I know it's a huge burden and there are concerns about inherited health problems but your niece has a dad and is none the wiser.

There was a whole other family discovered in my family, it caused some people a great deal of pain.

NiceGerbil · 19/06/2021 20:29

Did you mean in your OP that your sister recently died?

And this is at the forefront of your mind so much that you post on here, with just a casual mention in your longish OP about her death?

Is that correct OP or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

prettypinkflamingo · 19/06/2021 20:33

Hang on....so your sister has died leaving her daughter with only one parent. Your lie theory would possible result in taking her other parent from her too. A parent is a parent by what they do, and if he's been her father then that's enough.
You need to butt out. Not your business.

NiceGerbil · 19/06/2021 20:34

'this is my burden whether I like it or not. I did try to raise it with my sister by commenting in a hopeful lighthearted way how unlike the father the child looked but she had been really blonde till her teens too .tbh her reaction made me think there was a paternity issue .also I can see she wants blonde till her teens by photos'

I hadn't read that but my post is pertinent.

Blonde is a recessive gene. It can pop out all of s sudden generations after it last coming out.

As can other traits.

I have a friend who has really tall children. She was confused as she and DH were not particularly tall and none of the family they knew of were aware.

She mentioned it to her mum and her mum said oh my grandad and his brothers were all over 6 foot.

Ditto children can have very different colourings.

Leave it.

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 19/06/2021 20:37

Thanks to those who have tried to be helpful. You’re right I have no evidence and I don’t want to interfere I’m just not sure how to live with this. I suppose it’s at the forefront of my mind because I’ve been spending more time with my niece because of my sisters passing and having lots of heart to hearts. I know genetics can be weird sometimes, but this would be a very unusual genetic leap. It’s hard to explain without giving too much personal detail. I only know the kid looks more like the fling than the dad and that my sister was very troubled and did some strange things.

OP posts:
GappyValley · 19/06/2021 20:40

I have 3 brothers
2 of them are the same height as our dad (5’8”) and both started going grey and bald in their 20s like our dad
The 3rd brother is 6’2” and has a full head of jet black hair
Apparently by dad’s grandfather (his dad’s dad) was this height so we can only assume that is where the genes came from

And yes, we are all full siblings…

Sometimes genes throw up some old traits…

Sn0tnose · 19/06/2021 20:41

No one else knows and of course we can’t be completely certain but the dates tie up and her child does not look anything like the man she says is his father

But My niece has no idea about this and I don’t want to be the one to tell her, I’m not even sure if I should tell her

I’m a bit confused. Is it your niece or your nephew you suspect has a different dad?

Either way, I’d keep quiet. You only have a suspicion so you could set off an absolute bomb without being certain. If they do a dna test in the future, you can tell them about your sister’s fling while on a break, but tell them you didn’t have enough information to potentially ruin their lives for no reason.

NiceGerbil · 19/06/2021 20:43

'I’m just not sure how to live with this'

Live with what? A suspicion that could be true or could not? If it is, assuming the dad doesn't know?

Keep your mouth shut, seriously.

I can't believe this is such a concern while you're all grieving.

burnoutbabe · 19/06/2021 20:54

I think I'd have to share (but not right now)

If you suddenly passed and she did a dna test, who could tell her about her actual dad (ie you know who the other chap is, so could track him down?)

Could leave her with many questions in the future and no way of asking anyone.

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