Paternity fraud and it’s legacy for children

[wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool]

I’m fairly certain my older sister lied about the paternity of one of her children, I’m not sure why she’d do this but she did have a lot of problems in her life, the child is now an adult. This is what some people call paternity fraud. Another sister pointed out how much the child looks like an old boyfriend she had a very quick fling with while ‘on a break’ with a longer term partner a number of years ago. No one else knows and of course we can’t be completely certain but the dates tie up and her child does not look anything like the man she says is his father, I mean actually opposite in build, height, colouring. Also looks nothing like my sister. I haven’t mentioned it again to anyone since my other sister brought it up and we haven’t spoken about it since.
My sister separated from the fake father a long time ago and recently passed away, leaving the child in question with only one parent, who is probably not their parent. The secret perhaps should die with her. I’m trying to look after her child a bit so spending a bit of time together and when Dad comes up, It’s really difficult. I feel I’m lying and it’s very uncomfortable. I overheard a conversation with my DS ‘well my dad is only x tall and I’m really tall, we look nothing like each other’ so clearly there’s no suspicion.

I’ve no intention of saying anything especially right now, but I’m an honest sort of person and the lie is really doing me in. I’m very fond of my sisters child and he has health problems which might be explained by genetics. I really think it’s a terrible thing for my sister to do, it’s hard not to think very badly of her. If the ‘fake’ dad ever realised to will be enormously hurtful to her child. And I can’t help thinking of the man who has missed out on a lifetime of parenting and the child who has missed out on his father

That’s it really. Any experiences to share would be great

leave it be unless she raises the possibility with you.

I have 4 sibllings
one of us looks very differen and has a different stature. think one darker skinned, brown haired short person when the others are all tall and fair skinned/haired.
we all went for a blood test to see if we were suitable as bone marrow donor of a cousin and it was proven that we all are full siblings.

I don’t look like my siblings. I looked nothing like my father at all and not very like just mother.

Wasn’t until I was a teen that I realised my Dad had been blond as a young child then gone darker like I had. Also as an adult I discovered, when I got to know them, that I look a little like my mother’s Aunt and her children.

I know 100% that we’re full siblings from tests had 10 years ago.

Harry is Charles' double, in fact far more like Charles than William.

So sorry that happened to you Never, now that is something I hadn’t considered actually, that the fling might have raped her. It’s always a possibility. I really hope not. I was also raped, as a 15 year old and later by my ex, who was violent. You say I’ve got nasty little suspicions but you can’t see inside my head, I don’t feel nasty, I feel worried and upset. And in any case as you’ve just said. I might be right.

I am genuinely amazed at how angry everyone is about me raising this, and how few of you are even the tiniest bit concerned for her child, who deserves the truth but can’t be told the truth, and has been left with no parents in this country at an age too young to be in that situation, when there actually might be a living and potentially loving parent right under their nose. As I’ve kept reiterating, I was never about to say anything, I was just finding the situation hard.

I suppose the main thing I’ve learned from this is that people on mumsnet assume the worst of others and take delight in judging them harshly, even when they are asking for advice or experiences shared.

You are a weird lot. I’ll go elsewhere for advice next time.

I am genuinely amazed at how angry everyone is about me raising this, and how few of you are even the tiniest bit concerned for her child, who deserves the truth but can’t be told the truth

You don’t know that the child doesn’t know the truth.

You’ve made an assumption based on looks and people have pointed out that looks can mean very little in a family.

If you knew then you’d get different replies. You don’t. You’re making an assumption that you have no idea if is remotely accurate or not.

What were you expecting? People to tell you to tell the tell of your theory? Taking away their father, tarnishing their memory of their mother for a hunch?

What of the numerous posters who have pointed out that is hardly unusual for children to have a genetic combo that can make them look very different to their parents?

That you could be totally wrong?

That the DH might know?

Why shouldn't you talk to him first not the neice?

Why is this so urgent when you're all grieving?

Why are you the only person who knows when you've discussed it with your other sister?

So many questions.

Did you say half of men are raising children that aren't theirs, just then? In the study you read? Blimey.

Maybe before a birth is registered, DNA tests should be carried out for either the husband or the partner wishing to be named as father on the birth certificate: the current legal position that any child of a marriage is presumed to be the husband's is clearly most unfair. What do you reckon, OP? It wouldn't reveal who the father was, necessarily, but it would confirm who it wasn't. Which would spare both child and the mother's husband/partner unpleasant surprises down the line. Can't see any drawbacks there

There are a fair few men pushing for this and have been for years.

Whaaaat? I was taking the piss 😳

Yes but certainly there are men's groups who are very concerned about 'paternity fraud' and want lots of DNA tests etc.