Paternity fraud and it’s legacy for children

[wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool]

I’m fairly certain my older sister lied about the paternity of one of her children, I’m not sure why she’d do this but she did have a lot of problems in her life, the child is now an adult. This is what some people call paternity fraud. Another sister pointed out how much the child looks like an old boyfriend she had a very quick fling with while ‘on a break’ with a longer term partner a number of years ago. No one else knows and of course we can’t be completely certain but the dates tie up and her child does not look anything like the man she says is his father, I mean actually opposite in build, height, colouring. Also looks nothing like my sister. I haven’t mentioned it again to anyone since my other sister brought it up and we haven’t spoken about it since.
My sister separated from the fake father a long time ago and recently passed away, leaving the child in question with only one parent, who is probably not their parent. The secret perhaps should die with her. I’m trying to look after her child a bit so spending a bit of time together and when Dad comes up, It’s really difficult. I feel I’m lying and it’s very uncomfortable. I overheard a conversation with my DS ‘well my dad is only x tall and I’m really tall, we look nothing like each other’ so clearly there’s no suspicion.

I’ve no intention of saying anything especially right now, but I’m an honest sort of person and the lie is really doing me in. I’m very fond of my sisters child and he has health problems which might be explained by genetics. I really think it’s a terrible thing for my sister to do, it’s hard not to think very badly of her. If the ‘fake’ dad ever realised to will be enormously hurtful to her child. And I can’t help thinking of the man who has missed out on a lifetime of parenting and the child who has missed out on his father

That’s it really. Any experiences to share would be great

Why would she do a DNA test?

I cannot understand why so many posters are keen.

Based on the DD not looking like her dad. (Or according to OP, her mum...!)

Why would you want to destroy your nieces life? She's just lost her mum

Leave her to grieve and keep your suspicions to yourself - you don't KNOW anything.

I think curiously and clear uncertainty that is plaguing her already will mean that she will. Then either op feigns a complete surprise or admits that she potentially lied by omission.

At least the op can say honestly that she doesn't know and her sister was resolute in the father she named.

Think of the adopted DC that were lied to and how much hurt and damage that did and now why adoptees are told the truth in an age appropriate way.

This isn't your burden. You don't know for certain that your sister lied and you don't know what conversations and agreements were had between the adults involved. Just keep out of it and don't cause any more upheaval in your nieces life

Like @Sn0tnose, I thought your OP referred to a boy/young man, and then you switched to girl/young woman, after a couple of posters mistakenly wrote 'niece'.

@NiceGerbil

Why would she do a DNA test?

I cannot understand why so many posters are keen.

Based on the DD not looking like her dad. (Or according to OP, her mum...!)

Unfortunately these days there are loads of sites that people happily submit their DNA to in the hope of discovering that they are one 64th Native American or whatever and then they have a nasty surprise.

Or it could just take a family conversation about blood donating.

There are no guarantees that this secret will stay secret.

I don’t think the Op should tell her niece - at least not at the moment whilst she is still grieving her mum but it is a very difficult situation and I don’t think it is as easy as “mind your own business”.

I can't believe you are even considering telling the child!
You don't know anything.
You could completely destroy peoples lives here. People who are already suffering pain from the death of your sister.
Whatever the truth or the outcome I don't think you would come out of it well and it would ruin your relationship with your niece/nephew.

I honestly think this has nothing to do with you at all. Your niece and nephew have no idea and even if they did they may not want to acknowledge it. Either you are right, you tell them and let your niece lose the last parent she has whilst also tarnishing the memories of their mother and forcing them to realise they are half siblings, or you are wrong and they may hate you for even suggesting it and effectively calling their mother a liar.

Put it out of your head, leave them be. It's not your burden to carry. Nothing good will come from this.

'I think curiously and clear uncertainty that is plaguing her already will mean that she will'

But does the niece (nephew?) have uncertainty? What a kid looks like is a genetic Mish mash. Loads of kids come along with traits not seen for generations.

And also if the dad isn't the dad why does OP assume he doesn't know? They were split. She had a fling. Pregnant before they got back together. Even if only a few weeks, the husband might have wondered. Esp with the different looks.

OP has no idea if it's true and no idea if it is true, if he doesn't know.

I find it strange the sister's death is mentioned so far into the post and so briefly.

This is nothing but an idea in your head. You’re talking like you’re a victim here, but you would be the instigator. If you raise this idea, you’ll never be forgiven.

'I mean actually opposite in build, height, colouring.'

What like. Everyone in the family is white and the child looks like they have genetics from I dunno. Japan or India or Ghana?

Which by the way can and does happen. Again, genes from generations back with long forgotten people, suddenly coming out.

What do you mean by opposite exactly?

How is it only you that knows and so if you die she will never know who her dad was, in the unlikely event she does s DNA test.

When you have been gossiping about it with another sister?

One of my relatives has three children that look nothing like each other. We all did an ancestor test a few years ago at Christmas (it was my relative that bought the gift, which I doubt she would have done if she didn’t think the children had the same father) and all three received similar information. They are definitely full siblings but couldn’t look further apart in height, skin colour, body build, hair etc.

If your sister’s child has possible genetic conditions, then I imagine this will come up at some point. The truth is that they could have nothing to do with this other man.

I heard of someone whose 2nd husband badly wanted a child, but nothing happened for some years. She had children from a previous marriage and had conceived very easily so thought the trouble had to be with him.
So she enlisted an old (proven fertile) friend for the purpose, swearing him to secrecy, and became pregnant. Her husband was ecstatic.

As far as I ever heard, the only other person she ever told was a doctor friend, who said she’d have to take the secret to her grave.

The DNA type things what are they?

DH dad got him one and it just gave some info about parts of the world his ancestors came from.

Sorry that's an aside.

Are you still with us OP, what are your thoughts?

I'm also interested in your use of the term paternity fraud.

Is it more common now? I've only heard it in other sorts of conversations.

Niece has had a sex change since thread started.

MRA written all over it.

Mind. Your. Own. Business.

This is not about you, and (assuming any of this is real) if you can't stop speculating about this and are at risk of destroying your bereaved DN's remaining stability due to your excessive "honesty", then you should avoid spending time with them, or discussing family with them.

CallMe certainly the phrase used in the OP is mostly in use in certain circles.

Yup.

Where's the post with the, you're all awful etc flounce. Ideas having been confirmed.

If that's what's going on.

The idea that recently after losing your sister, this is the thing you'd feel strongly enough to post about. And only mention her death in passing.

Ignoring the posts pointing out that loads of kids hit a genetic mix that makes them look unlike their parents.

The uncertainty over the sex of the child (now adult).

Ignoring the point that the DH might well know.

That she's the only one who can tell the niece/ nephew and if she suddenly dies no one will be able to tell who the father is. If it's true. And if she finds out somehow. Despite the fact she's been gossiping about it with another sister. And presumably mentioned it to partner, if she has one, or sis might. I think this sort of gossip spreads.

Considering dropping this massive bombshell on someone grieving the loss of their mother. And if it's not true, causing massive turmoil.

And either way probably ruining her relationship with the neice/ nephew.

And at no point mentioning raising it with the DH, because after all, he may know. And surely is the one you would talk to before dropping it on s young person and leaving them to deal with it.

And of course. Paternity fraud.

OP?

There are a few more helpful comments this morning, thanks. The others… I wonder if a lot of you are judging me by your own standards? It’s strange how harshly some people can decide to judge a stranger on the internet. You may ‘gossip’. I don’t. It was a serious conversation, many years ago, that has stayed with me since. Also strange how many people don’t read the OP properly before commenting.
And do people think it’s impossible to do or think of anything else when grieving? Bizarre. Of course it’s preying on my mind when I’m face to to face with the kid on a regular basis. The person who knows the truth can no longer tell it.
As one poster says, it’s a difficult situation and more complicated than mind your own business. Apparently it’s very common, I read somewhere that of a sample of 5000 men who took paternity tests half were not the father.

I bet the people who are being nasty about this on here are the same people who think it hilarious that Harry looks like James Hewitt. And he does. And that’s my situation too. It’s not hilarious. My niece has already lost her mother. Her ‘father’ lives in another country. Meanwhile it’s entirely possible there’s another father who’d be delighted to offer support. After the shock had worn off.

I won’t be saying anything, as I said in my OP, for those of you who can’t read properly. But I needed to offload it somewhere and that’s what I’ve done.

If I am right (and my other sister is right) I can’t look kindly on this act. It changes how I think of my sister in the middle of my grief. I think it’s a deplorable thing to do to lie to your own child like this.

Please tread carefully @wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool , I’ve seen first hand how these things can destroy people’s lives, and it’s usually the innocent people who are hurt the most.

Several years ago, my aunt died. Shortly following on from this, a ‘well meaning’ relative decided it would be a good time to reveal that the deceased’s children didn’t share the same father, that the brother was the product of an affair. It RIPPED the family apart. Neither the son, nor the man he believed to be his father had had any idea. The mum was no longer around to answer questions or explain. They were left with this huge bombshell, and no way of ever getting answers. The revelation, on top of their already acute grief, was unbearable.

After about a month the son tracked down his ‘natural’ dad, who rejected him instantly. He’d known all along that he’d been the father. He told the son that he’d made it clear to the mum that he wanted nothing to do with either of them, and actually threatened him with police action if he ever contacted him again.

The relationship between the son, and the man he’d always believed to be his father never properly recovered. The way they found out, while still struggling with the grief of losing their mother/wife has caused a trauma that neither has been able to properly move forward from. The son has had to cope with losing his mum, finding out his dad isn’t his dad AND has been rejected by the ‘actual’ father that he found. The truth is out, and I’m assuming that person who told believes what they did was for the best. But no ones life is better for it.

My youngest's biological father might be the ex boyfriend I'd previously left and came round a few times when I was going through a rough patch with my then partner. There are some similarities in her jaw and hairline/nose shape, his father was tall, she doesn't look remotely like my then partner's sister, mother or other female relatives...

He raped me. And I didn't tell anybody because I knew my trying to be nice to the man I'd dumped for playing mind games, not violence, would be taken as a fling.

If anybody wishes to share their nasty little suspicions about my sexual life after my death, it's not me they would be hurting.