Household financial issues

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Bit of background to hopefully avoid drip feeding. Dh and I are the same age. Started our careers at the same time earning roughly the same. Over the years I've progressed and now, including bonuses I earn double his annual salary. We have a joint account where we both pay in to cover household bills and nursery fees etc. As I earn more, I pay in more into the joint account. We have 2 dc both in full time nursery as we don't have any family nearby to help.

We are in the south east and have very high monthly costs. Some months are better than others but sometimes we have direct debits bouncing left, right and centre! I'm personally not work shy so will pick up jobs on the side to make ends meet. Dh will hear none of it as he feels minimum wage jobs are beneath him so it's all up to me to keep us afloat. I work long hours at my main job, still have to do the cooking and cleaning as well as my second job though dh helps with the kids and laundry. Sometimes it feels like I'm paying for everything and I'm starting to feel resentful of dh. I'm always stressed out with how I'm going to make ends meet as it's always down to me. I know it's not forever and the dc will soon go to school and ease some of the pressure but right now I'm drowning. Please help. What should I do?

Sorry OP, but can you clarify your post for me a bit?

• You have 1st job earning 2x your DH plus a 2nd job
• DH has a 1st job? Or is he unemployed?

If he is working FT, and you are thinking the household needs a 4th job to “make ends meet” then that sounds extreme to me and like the issue is that you are both living beyond your means? So the answer would be to downsize until you ate both working 1 FT job and that’s it.

If he is unemployed, and you’re working both the paid jobs, then I agree that he should be working any job he can get until he finds a better job.
I think it might be better to take on a bit of debt or remortgage...juggle finances a bit as working 2 jobs is too much pressure on you until he’s working again.

So you earn double what he earns, but you both work full time? If you’re both paying into the household bills account but still bouncing direct debits bouncing not enough is going into that account, no matter who is earning more.

Have you done a full breakdown of all your bills? I have a spreadsheet with them all listed, so we know how much we need in the bills account each month to cover them, nothing else gets paid out of that account, any money not in that account is either spends or savings.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Sorry OP, but can you clarify your post for me a bit?

• You have 1st job earning 2x your DH plus a 2nd job
• DH has a 1st job? Or is he unemployed?

If he is working FT, and you are thinking the household needs a 4th job to “make ends meet” then that sounds extreme to me and like the issue is that you are both living beyond your means? So the answer would be to downsize until you ate both working 1 FT job and that’s it.

If he is unemployed, and you’re working both the paid jobs, then I agree that he should be working any job he can get until he finds a better job.
I think it might be better to take on a bit of debt or remortgage...juggle finances a bit as working 2 jobs is too much pressure on you until he’s working again.

Sorry yes he's working full time but doesn't earn a lot. He also has some debts he is paying which impacts on the amount of money he can contribute. I wish he would be the one to take a second job not me.

It's sit down and have a serious chat about work life balance time.

Look at free time, who gets the most?

Work from a position of equal free time and split everything.

Definitely time for a chat and belt-tightening although I suspect if you have two kids in nursery there is not much scope for that. Do you claim the 30hr subsidy for either of the children?

2 full and 2 part-time jobs in a 2 child household with no family help is in my opinion unsustainable.

Do his debts predate the relationship? If so I do think it is on him partly to sort them out by working more or upskilling or going for promotion

It's great you've progressed though. Keep going. It's so important to have your own means and your own security.

If you are both working full time nobody should need a second job. Both dcs in nursery is a very expensive time. You need to sit down anc make a spreadsheet of incomings and outgoings. And see if any cutbacks can be made.

I wish he would be the one to take a second job not me.

But you’re doing 2 jobs now, and are finding that too stressful to have a second job on top of a FT job. Why would you willingly put your DH in same hell hole you are in? You have two young DC. Honestly, if he’s refusing minimumwage jobs, then that means his FT job is above minimum wage, correct? And then you earn twice that in your 1st, FT job. So you have essentially 3 above minimum wage FT incomes coming into your household. That should honestly be enough to live on.

Neither you or DH should need a second job, and when you have young DC it’s robbing them of any time with a parent.

I’d honestly sit down and draw up a budget that is within the income from both your primary jobs. Have the talk about work life balance because working FT plus a second job on top, is out of balance for you and would be for him as well.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I wish he would be the one to take a second job not me.

But you’re doing 2 jobs now, and are finding that too stressful to have a second job on top of a FT job. Why would you willingly put your DH in same hell hole you are in? You have two young DC. Honestly, if he’s refusing minimumwage jobs, then that means his FT job is above minimum wage, correct? And then you earn twice that in your 1st, FT job. So you have essentially 3 above minimum wage FT incomes coming into your household. That should honestly be enough to live on.

Neither you or DH should need a second job, and when you have young DC it’s robbing them of any time with a parent.

I’d honestly sit down and draw up a budget that is within the income from both your primary jobs. Have the talk about work life balance because working FT plus a second job on top, is out of balance for you and would be for him as well.

To be honest what I'm finding more stressful is the financial burden which is largely on my shoulders not the second job. The second job is picking up shifts when I can e.g Friday night when the kids are already in bed. I struggle with DJ's attitude of stepping aside when money is needed or in essence looking at me to come up with said ££

Dh not DJ

Direct debits bouncing left right and centre sounds like you don't really know how much is going out. Work it out. Work out how much you pay each month, work out how much you have available for food and how much is left for other things and stick to it. Put some in savings too so that car expenses etc don't come as a surprise.
I hope you will be able to see you don't need second job.

You sound like you’re living above your means. You can’t carry on like that-it’s miserable. Do you have a huge mortgage or something? Can you downsize or move to a cheaper area?

Even without a huge mortgage... In the south east I can easily see how 2x. Nursery +living costs on even 3 X full time living wage could be a struggle.

I reckon this is a relationship issue as opposed to a money one. I'm not surprised you feel resentful. It would be different if your DH was doing a bigger share at home. Sounds like you are doing everything and he is maybe a bit lazy??

@FrownedUpon

You sound like you’re living above your means. You can’t carry on like that-it’s miserable. Do you have a huge mortgage or something? Can you downsize or move to a cheaper area?

You may well be right. Our biggest cost is childcare which we can't really change until school age. Our mortgage I would say is average for this area. The rest is just bills and food

One thing we did to minimise childcare costs is I had early shift but DH started later, so the DC were in childcare only from 10am to 3pm (5hrs), which qualified for PT nursery costs as a FT day was up to 7am to 6pm (11hrs). Would that be possible for you? To adjust shifts a bit?

It worked for us and then we were pre-prepared with a work pattern for school runs once they were school age.

@Aalvarino

Even without a huge mortgage... In the south east I can easily see how 2x. Nursery +living costs on even 3 X full time living wage could be a struggle.

I reckon this is a relationship issue as opposed to a money one. I'm not surprised you feel resentful. It would be different if your DH was doing a bigger share at home. Sounds like you are doing everything and he is maybe a bit lazy??

I think there is that as well. I do feel like dh sort of puts his feet up and leaves everything to me. It's probably my fault for allowing it to go on for so long but now with 2 young kids it's starting to take its toll.

His debts, his second job, I think.

Sounds like you need a budget rather than more income.

So you have two jobs so he can pay off his debts? If he's not prepared to take a second job then the LEAST he can do is the lion's share of the chores. Time for a talk!
Also, if you haven't already done so, check you have the best deals re bills, cut out luxuries, shop at Aldi /Lidl to reduce food bill.

Do you get funded hours for either of your children end are you using tax free childcare system?

Sometimes a nanny is cheaper than two in full time nursery, is that an option? Plus are you claiming all the tax free childcare you're entitled to?

Alternatively the suggestion of flexing hours and/or work days if possible to reduce the amount of childcare you need.

Your DH definitely needs to pull his finger out, both on money and effort. Why is all the cooking and cleaning left to you when you work more hours? What is he doing while you're running yourself ragged?

On the matter of money, you need to start from scratch with budgeting as it sounds like you currently don't know if you have enough income to cover your bills or not, plus what you have left for food, other essentials, DHs debts and any discretionary spending.

On the matter of money and budgeting, moneysaving expert has everything you need to know.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

Why is DH in debt? Was this due to an 'event' like business failure or is he just a spendthrift?

But you/he are tackling it all the wrong way round. His debts should come after he's made a fair and sufficient contribution to the household pot, not before. If he doesn't have enough left to pay his debts he needs to earn money more or seek debt management advice. Especially if his debts are significant, costing a lot in interest and likely to take time to pay off.

You're currently at the hardest time, with highest childcare costs and this aspect will get better. However your DH really needs to start pulling his weight or else you need to think about separating because it sounds like he could drag you down indefinitely.

I agree, it sounds like you need a budget.

We have a joint account specifically for direct debits. We have a spreadsheet of all our direct debits, so we know how much is debited from it over the course of the year (as some are debited monthly, others annually). We added up the total amount for the year, added a buffer, and then divided by 12. That's the amount we each pay into the account every month as soon as we both get paid. It means we always have enough for all our direct debits no matter when they come.

Make sure you regularly shop around on utilities, insurance etc.

We then have a joint account that covers other joint expenses (that aren't direct debits), e.g. groceries. Again, we have calculated this based on a spreadsheet so we know how much is needed each month, and we pay into this account as soon as we get paid.

Anything leftover goes into our personal accounts for our own spends and non essential things (coffees etc).

Why are you doing the second job plus all the cooking or cleaning?

If you're working 2 jobs, your DH needs to do most of it while you're at your second job.

Your DC won't be at nursery forever and your financial situation will improve hugely when they start school. What won't improve is the unfair allocation of overall responsibilities and domestic chores unless you make a stand.

Would consider being a sahp? Doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the party right now.

If not I'd seriously consider leaving him, you may be eligible to free childcare etc as a single parent.

He sounds like a bit of a freeloader.

Have you considered a child minder. My two had a wonderful child minder who never once let us down. Was flexible. And homely environment. And a lot less than the cost of nursery.

We have a very strict budget each month. It has categories for things like eating out etc and if you spend it all in the first weekend after payday then there isn’t anymore.

I only work 2 days a week at the minute due to having 2 under school age so I want to be around for them. To do this we needed a strict budget as I don’t bring much home. It works well for us and we prioritise putting a small amount into the savings so we have a pot for things like unexpected car break downs, new washing machines etc.

I would sit and do a full budget. Look at the last 3 months, go through your statements and categorise absolutely everything you spent. You may find a lot has gone on non-essential things like coffees out when you write it all down. Then write w budget based on reducing some of the categories here. Some won’t be able to be reduced, but shop around for your utilities, see if you can shave anything off each category to make you more comfortable.