Household financial issues

[new4thispost]

Bit of background to hopefully avoid drip feeding. Dh and I are the same age. Started our careers at the same time earning roughly the same. Over the years I've progressed and now, including bonuses I earn double his annual salary. We have a joint account where we both pay in to cover household bills and nursery fees etc. As I earn more, I pay in more into the joint account. We have 2 dc both in full time nursery as we don't have any family nearby to help.

We are in the south east and have very high monthly costs. Some months are better than others but sometimes we have direct debits bouncing left, right and centre! I'm personally not work shy so will pick up jobs on the side to make ends meet. Dh will hear none of it as he feels minimum wage jobs are beneath him so it's all up to me to keep us afloat. I work long hours at my main job, still have to do the cooking and cleaning as well as my second job though dh helps with the kids and laundry. Sometimes it feels like I'm paying for everything and I'm starting to feel resentful of dh. I'm always stressed out with how I'm going to make ends meet as it's always down to me. I know it's not forever and the dc will soon go to school and ease some of the pressure but right now I'm drowning. Please help. What should I do?

This sounds like poor financial management to me.

You both need to sit down and work out a budget and live within your means, whatever that entails.

I agree you need figures on paper- you may need to switch to a childminder as often cheaper- or look at your partner being a sahd for a bit.

You are living beyond your means. You need to both sit down with a spreadsheet and your bank statements and credit card bills. Write down exactly what you are spending, every penny - you'll be surprised usually how much is going out on this and that. You then need to make a budget and firmly stick to it. The other thing is looking for cheaper childcare eg state nursery plus child minder or nanny might be cheaper if attached to the primary school.

Things that I cut down on were lunches (take packed), coffees, snacks from shop on way to work (good for waistline), alcohol during the week, Amazon prime, sky sports, gym (rarely went so do payg)

You are living beyond your means if you have DDs bouncing and you have to work more than full time. You need to go through every single one of your outgoings to see what you can cut back. I sympathise, childcare is so expensive.

Do you claim everything you are entitled to?

I can understand your DH not wanting to work more but it's unforgivable if he's leaving the bulk of the housework and childcare to you. He absolutely needs to step up on that.

He needs to get on board with budgeting and the grunt work. He's not a passenger in his own family life.

Look at all your bills and cut what you can.
If you have sky get rid of it.
Look to see where your money is going.
Can you remortgage and get a better deal.
See if you can swap utilises, we saved £50 A month.
Tell him you both need to up money into joint account.
Stop buying his treats with the shopping.

You need to look at all your income & outgoings.

Then look for possible savings. Some are obvious but others are not.
Example, we did something called "zero spending" for a few months- no luxuries or unnecessary things are bought. (Including clothes, sweets alcohol... ). Use the extra money to pay off debt.

Also made huge savings by going vegetarian and sticking to a "whole food diet" leaving out the processd expensive stuff.

One thing I found when I had large debt was to get a consolidation loan from the bank. The CC were just adding interest each month, so not really paying anything off. I got a bank loan for 5 years, used that to pay off the cards in total, and the loan was a regular set DD amount so helped with budgeting, and the interest was something like 5 % instead of 19% with the cards, and not increasing debt over time, just paying off. Would something like that help? And yes - DH needs to pull his weight with household stuff if you are doing more out of house work. And tax free childcare makes quite a difference if you qualify for it. Also can carry over to some after school /holiday clubs later on. Agree nursery costs are a killer!

Consolidation only works if it is seen as a one off, last chance solution and is done in conjunction with strict budgeting to make sure you can actually afford the repayments and no more debt is run up.

Many many people don't manage this, then end up with credit card debt as well as the consolidation loan, sometimes repeatedly.

Thank you everyone for replying. Some very good suggestions. On my to do list this weekend is definitely making a budget, having a chat with dh and shopping around for better utility deals.

Pp made reference to dh being a bit of a freeloader and if I'm honest I do feel like this sometimes. I guess that's where the resentment might be stemming from.

Can you give us an idea of how much of your income goes on his debt?

Are you using your funded hours and tax free childcare for nursery? That should help a lot. To be fair, when kids get to school age, it does not necessarily get easier. The easiest time is from 3 to when they start school. You get a significant portion of childcare paid by the gov't and you don't have to worry about working around school hours. This gets a lot more difficult when they start school, so you definitely need to make changes now rather than assuming that life will get easier at school age. You may have a bit more money (though wraparound care can be about as much as nursery with funded hours), but you will be more time poor.

It sounds like you need to reduce your cost of living and also your dh needs to pick up more of what happens around the house. If you are both working FT, it doesn't matter who earns more and who earns less, you should be sharing the household burden 50/50.

Have your wage paid into your own account, then DD over half the monthly outgoings. He should pay the other half.
You aren’t on the same page financially, so you should take steps to secure yours and your children’s financial future.

@new4thispost

I'd also be drawing up a 'chores' list too tbh, because if you're being 'expected' to find extra cash to cover living costs, then he's got to be picking up more household duties to cover you because you'll be at work fgs !

I understand you paying more towards household spending, but not when it's to cover his debts.

Open a single joint account for all your direct debits/monthly bills, and you both contribute to it 50-50.

Keep your own personal current accounts for your wages to be paid into and set up a direct debit to 'bills' joint account to come out on payday.

You should also both have your own savings accounts.

Once you've reorganized and cut back your spending to the essentials only, and gotten the best available deals for utilities etc and made sure you're getting all available subsidies etc , I'd also try looking for cheaper childcare too. The money you spend on nursery fees could be much more expensive than getting a childminder or Au Pair for example (and they would perhaps still be able to do before/after school drop offs and pick ups too)
I'd also be looking for primary schools that could provide breakfast/ after school care and applying for a nursery place at these schools as soon as your kids reach the appropriate age, as these are usually easier and cheaper than other childcare options too.

@new4thispost

I forgot to add, you need to be giving your H a 'list' of things to get done this weekend too !

He can sort out what has to be 'cut back on' e.g Sky/ Netflix/ Amazon Prime subscriptions, newspaper deliveries, opening the new joint account online with you, listing the direct debits/standing orders, find out how he could 'consolidate' his debts to get the best deal etc etc

This is NOT all on YOU to do !! And make damn well sure he does his share !

(Also ignore any and all pleas about ''We can't cancel SKY, I won't be able to watch football !!' etc etc. Tell him you need to 'cut your cloth' according to your circumstances/finances.'')

You bring in most of the money, and do all the life and child admin.

Cut the useless toad free. You will fine life much easier without him I bet.

I agree with other posters, you need to split the household chores more evenly, and he needs to put more money into the joint account. You need to tell him how you are feeling about his lack of help in the house and financially. if he won't step up and do more you may be better off without him.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Can you give us an idea of how much of your income goes on his debt?

I have no idea! He won't share the information with me. There are no paper statements that come home, all online. I don't WV's know how much the debt is for or how long it will take to pay it off. I only know he has debts as it showed up last time we renewed our mortgage 😩

@new4thispost that's your problem.

You need to write it all down.

Your total income
His total income

vs

every single outgoing each month.

PP's have asked, do you utilise the tax free childcare scheme? the 30 free hours? Is nursery more than his income? Would it be worth having him SAHP until they get some free hours?

@DinosaurDiana

Have your wage paid into your own account, then DD over half the monthly outgoings. He should pay the other half. You aren’t on the same page financially, so you should take steps to secure yours and your children’s financial future.

I have considered this in the past but it got more complicated when the kids came

To those who are asking, the kids will qualify for the 30 hours in January.

@updownroundandround you are so right! I have been trying to get Sky cancelled for the last 3 years! Each time I get told we would have to pay a penalty equivalent to the rest of the months we have left. Never occurred to me to question this but now that you mention, I think I've been gullible!! Thanks for bringing that up!

Moneysavingexpert advice on haggling with Sky

If you're paying full price for Sky, you're literally throwing money down the drain.

You can get 90% of what they provide for around £20 a month incl movies with Now TV. You don't even need to pay for full price Now Tv because if you try to cancel (all online, you don't even need to speak to anyone) they offer you a deal. We've had it for years and have never paid more than about 40-60% of the full price.

Even if you 'have' to have full Sky, all you need to do is phone them, say you're thinking of cancelling due to cost and what can they offer you to stay and they will offer you a deal.

Good luck, and be stern with DH. Sounds like he needs it.

Good idea to cancel Sky! We have zero TV and only have Netflix. If you do same, you won’t even need to pay for aTV license.

@DinosaurDiana
Have your wage paid into your own account, then DD over half the monthly outgoings. He should pay the other half.
You aren’t on the same page financially, so you should take steps to secure yours and your children’s financial future.

All good except the 50/50 split. Op is the high earner and makes 2x what her DH dies. It should be 66/33 split. Unless MN is sexist....because every time the woman is thevlower earner this is what is advised.

Can he quit his job and take care of the kids instead of nursery and work at evenings/ weekends when you’re home? It’s a tough few years but that’s how loads of people I know have lived.