Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Household financial issues

64 replies

new4thispost · 17/06/2021 22:24

Bit of background to hopefully avoid drip feeding. Dh and I are the same age. Started our careers at the same time earning roughly the same. Over the years I've progressed and now, including bonuses I earn double his annual salary. We have a joint account where we both pay in to cover household bills and nursery fees etc. As I earn more, I pay in more into the joint account. We have 2 dc both in full time nursery as we don't have any family nearby to help.

We are in the south east and have very high monthly costs. Some months are better than others but sometimes we have direct debits bouncing left, right and centre! I'm personally not work shy so will pick up jobs on the side to make ends meet. Dh will hear none of it as he feels minimum wage jobs are beneath him so it's all up to me to keep us afloat. I work long hours at my main job, still have to do the cooking and cleaning as well as my second job though dh helps with the kids and laundry. Sometimes it feels like I'm paying for everything and I'm starting to feel resentful of dh. I'm always stressed out with how I'm going to make ends meet as it's always down to me. I know it's not forever and the dc will soon go to school and ease some of the pressure but right now I'm drowning. Please help. What should I do?

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 18/06/2021 14:50

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@DinosaurDiana
Have your wage paid into your own account, then DD over half the monthly outgoings. He should pay the other half.
You aren’t on the same page financially, so you should take steps to secure yours and your children’s financial future.

All good except the 50/50 split. Op is the high earner and makes 2x what her DH dies. It should be 66/33 split. Unless MN is sexist....because every time the woman is thevlower earner this is what is advised.[/quote]
But we’re not talking mortgage split. She’s quite entitled to keep money in another account.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/06/2021 15:13

And his debt come out of his money after the bills have been split.

But OP can't sort anything until he is open and honest about his debt. Historical debts have on form of solution, ongoing ones are completely different. His refusal to divulge them is a BIG issue. It prevents OP being an equal financial partner and will, over time, kill their relationship.

Minezatea · 18/06/2021 15:49

I agree with others that this is a relationship issue. I bring home 2X what my partner does. We share everything and I have no resentment about that. Neither did I when we had both the kids in nursery an not a brass farthing left by the end of the month (it's the most expensive phase of having kids in my experience). But the idea that you HAVE to do the cooking and cleaning is appalling. As is the fact that he expects any degree of financial sharing whilst he refuses to talk about his debts. If he wants to keep things separate than keep them separate. He has his bills. You have yours and if he runs out of money it is not your problem. Or you could stop accepting the injustice of the current set up.

CaptSkippy · 18/06/2021 15:58

Your husband sounds like a selfish bastard who doesn't have his shit together and is dumping it all on you. Divorce this useless man-baby already. He knows what he is doing and he doesn't care it's overburdening you.

user1471538283 · 18/06/2021 17:01

I would only pay half of the bills and he finds the other half. I had very little when DS was small and I didnt pay a proportion.

I would be worried about these debts whether they are still around or not. I would want to have some money of my own.

Original poster
new4thispost · 18/06/2021 18:58

@CuriousaboutSamphire

And his debt come out of his money after the bills have been split.

But OP can't sort anything until he is open and honest about his debt. Historical debts have on form of solution, ongoing ones are completely different. His refusal to divulge them is a BIG issue. It prevents OP being an equal financial partner and will, over time, kill their relationship.

We have argued a lot about transparency with the debt but he still refuses to tell me and there is no way for me to find out. I don't know any of his passwords to check
OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/06/2021 19:33

He needs to share the debt details and you both need a budget. Having two children in childcare was always going to be a huge expense and a known one.

Paq · 18/06/2021 19:38

If my husband concealed debt from me I'd divorce him.

violetbunny · 18/06/2021 19:41

The lack of transparency would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

Twilow · 18/06/2021 19:48

Did he not have to declare the debt when you got your mortgage?

Beancounter1 · 18/06/2021 21:01

We have argued a lot about transparency with the debt but he still refuses to tell me and there is no way for me to find out. I don't know any of his passwords to check

This is really serious. He is not treating you as an equal partner, and has no respect for you or gratitude for everything you are doing.

Read him the riot act, tell him that the relationship is on the verge of being finished if he doesn't come clean and step up. And mean it - you need to see that this situation is really not going to get better on its own and you can't carry on like this with his lack of honesty.

updownroundandround · 21/06/2021 16:31

@new4thispost

I know that this will be hard to hear, but your H is abusing you.

His abuse is both financial and emotional.

He 'expects' you to :

  1. Earn a good wage, which you have to use to subsidize his debt repayments and fund his daily expenditures FFS !
  2. Be content to be told ''Fuck off, I don't need to tell you anything about my debts !'' Hmm
  3. Continue to shoulder both the financial AND practical aspects of running a 'home' and a 'family', without his help !
  4. Shut the fuck up about it, because he's not going to change a bloody thing !! And why should he ? Hmm
  5. Get another bloody job, to fund the cash shortfall caused by HIM, because, let's face it, you're just not 'important' like him, are you ????Angry

Seriously OP, nothing will change, unless you force it !

  1. Get your expenditures as low as possible (including the shit that he doesn't want to lose e.g SKY etc).
  2. Tell him that you won't be subsidizing him at ALL from now on.
  3. Split all bills/ house expenditures/ child expenditures right down the bloody MIDDLE ! (and when he cries ''that's not fair ! You earn more than me !'' Tell him ''You're free to try for promotion and/or get another/extra job, just like I had to* !!)
  4. All domestic 'chores' will be split 50/50 ! No exceptions ! (And you can tell him that if he doesn't fucking well like it, he's free to leave at any time !

You have been running around like a fool, doing double the paid work and double the unpaid work, while he has sat on his bloody arse, spending money he doesn't have and WON'T bloody earn, because HE'S TOO IMPORTANT !!!!

Honestly, OP, you've been treated so badly that it makes my blood boil Angry. It's about time you got angry about it too !

unicornsarereal72 · 21/06/2021 16:49

@updownroundandround 👏

unicornsarereal72 · 21/06/2021 16:50

Sorry just needed to say I agree. Wasn't being sarcastic

New posts on this thread. Refresh page