Is anyone else utterly invisible?

[GardeniaYellow]

I was wondering if anyone else is as invisible as I am?
I am trying to think of a way to make my invisibility actually work for me but so far it's pretty crippling.
I'm forty, fat, furloughed for a year. I was almost transparent before Covid but now I genuinely question sometimes whether I can actually be seen at all.
I am extremely lonely and have tried (precovid) various ways to meet people, develop friendships. I've been messaging people for the last year checking in on them and received only one out of the blue reciprocal check-in. Other people either ignore the message completely or leave it a couple of days and then give me a short response.
There must be something about me that is creating this scenario because it's everyone who knows me and they're unconnected.
I half joke to myself (because there's no one else to make the joke to!) that I would be an ideal criminal as I am invisible.

You could start shoplifting

You are funny (funny ha ha, not funny peculiar). It’s puzzling that you should be invisible. Sorry, that probably doesn’t help.

I know how you feel because I have moved around a lot and have had to make new friends every time. I now feel like I have got it down to an art ( kind of). Could you try joining a club/group where people are in the same place as you and are also looking to make new friends?Things that have worked for me are book clubs ( great for bypassing small talk and getting straight to the big topics!) , a walking club, and volunteering.

Also, I am 49 and still making friends. Never too old to make new friends.

Huge hugs OP. I am very much the message sender and not the sender. It gets to me sometimes but then I'm just happy i'm making someone's day a bit better. I'm not lonely as I have family but I put on weight over covid, lost my fitness (from covid) and really stopped looking after myself. I know people on mn hate people saying this but I'm happier because I've started looking after myself. Treating myself, getting fresh air (goal is to get to a beach and paddle in the water), a long shower or bath, hair conditioner in for a while, face masks, shaving legs, moisturising, drinking water (I have skin conditions that flare up when I don't drink water). I also started buying books again and watching funny stuff on Netflix. You're not invisible, it's honestly just that people are a bit self absorbed. Sorry if none of this is helpful. Do you have any family anywhere OP?

I'm sure nobody else sees you like this.

Do you have any spare time to volunteer somewhere where you could meet people? Things like youth clubs/food banks where you'd meet a variety of people and you'd be bound to gel with someone?

I would be an ideal criminal as I am invisible.

This needs to be made into a novel

You sound like you have really low self esteem. It must be hell to be going through this. I'm sure you're not as invisible as you think. It's hard though because if you believe you're invisible it affects how people treat you.

I have agorophobia for example and I behave like I'm in everyone's way outside, on a bad day, so people treat me like I am. Does that make sense?

Where in the UK are you? Xx

@Iamapanda

You could start shoplifting

Haha! Aside from all other considerations, if I fill my flat up with any more junk then I'll get lost amongst the hoard!

Oh bless you OP!

Bloody lockdown and wfh and all . So hard !

Can you get a dog and meet some other walkers ?

Are you living in a town or rural ? Big hug you sound lovely x

@octopusrus

I'm sure nobody else sees you like this.

Do you have any spare time to volunteer somewhere where you could meet people? Things like youth clubs/food banks where you'd meet a variety of people and you'd be bound to gel with someone?

That's very sweet but I know people do. Actually, it's more like they don't see me at all. I, as a person, don't actually even occur to them. Even when I'm right in front of people, they have literally said hello to the person I'm with and not me?! Shit. Maybe it's like Sixth Sense.

I know it's a well used suggestion but why not consider volunteering? All the time I was furloughed I was able to keep busy and active (& felt I had a purpose) by volunteering... I was able to legally meet up with other volunteers and made new friends ... which led to another volunteering opportunity and even more friends.

Maybe I'm lucky in that I find it very easy to meet new people ... I've even made friends with a census collector- we got chatting & discovered we'd been to the same school (miles away - we've both since moved) - we've arranged to meet up.

It could be that you’re just not energising to be around. Do you have lots of interests, things to talk about? Do you enjoy travelling normally, do you read a lot? Interesting people have things to talk about and aspirations. Can you plan an adventure of some sort which will give you lots to talk about and a zest for life?
I have a friend who sounds very like you in the way she sees herself. . She has no hobbies and no real friends apart from me. She doesn’t try to meet people or get out in the world. Consequently she has no conversation beyond what’s on TV and holidays she’s planning. Which are always to the same place, with her elderly mother. She’s a lovely person, but she’s just not great company.

You have clearly tried to meet people and feel it hasn’t worked. I wonder what sort of things you have tried? As others mention, book clubs, walking groups, maybe an art class or a dance class? Learn a new language in a small group?
I know it isn’t easy but the way you present yourself has a lot to do with whether people want to engage with you .

@Itsafineday

I would be an ideal criminal as I am invisible.

This needs to be made into a novel

It really does.

OP can you say what you’ve done to make friends and relationships in the past, what has and hasn’t worked, and what your interests and hobbies are - a bit more info would be hejoful.

Even when I'm right in front of people, they have literally said hello to the person I'm with and not me?!

I know it is easy for strangers to dole out advice, but in this situation I would just say hello to the person who ignored me. And then ask about their family, their work, their pet, whatever. You need to be quite thickskinned to make friends in your forties.

Is anyone else utterly invisible?

Who said that? 😉

Some things I've tried :

Volunteering at children's school (didn't particularly work, I listened to children read for a day once a week for two terms and the children were really the only people I interacted with apart from "Hello Mrs Gardenia, can you please sign in and year one will go to the library to read with you"), also did a bit of PTA stuff but not much (on a stall at a fair type job rather than on a committee)
I started a small online group for local women, mostly chat along a particular theme which I contribute to for 80% but it's mostly not really conversation so much as other women just sharing articles they've read with no discussion
I met a colleagues wife in the hairdresser one day and chatted to her as much as possible, she was pregnant so plenty to talk about there! Turned out she had no childcare for her first when she had her second. I offered her childcare, messaged her regularly when I saw on Facebook she was poorly. That's come to nothing.
I work, or used to before furlough, my job was mostly alone but meeting the public. Sone locals would come in once a month or so and I usually got them chatting as much as possible
Volunteered to do refreshments at the football club. That was quite humiliating actually because I did a pretty alright job of it and people still ignored me.
I live in a place with a fair few people around (think army barracks) and I'm a WAG. I volunteer within this community, running a twitter account (the irony!), and other fairly minor background type things, not a single person from the twenty or so I see most days (in passing) acknowledges me

I won't go on as its dull for me so must be dire for readers!

Automatic doors don't open for me 50% of the time....

Me.

I live in the shadows.

And if there aren’t any shadows, I’m fat enough to hide in my own shadow.

I work like an idiot and care for family. It would be lovely to meet someone but I can’t see how!

@GardeniaYellow

Some things I've tried :

Volunteering at children's school (didn't particularly work, I listened to children read for a day once a week for two terms and the children were really the only people I interacted with apart from "Hello Mrs Gardenia, can you please sign in and year one will go to the library to read with you"), also did a bit of PTA stuff but not much (on a stall at a fair type job rather than on a committee)
I started a small online group for local women, mostly chat along a particular theme which I contribute to for 80% but it's mostly not really conversation so much as other women just sharing articles they've read with no discussion
I met a colleagues wife in the hairdresser one day and chatted to her as much as possible, she was pregnant so plenty to talk about there! Turned out she had no childcare for her first when she had her second. I offered her childcare, messaged her regularly when I saw on Facebook she was poorly. That's come to nothing.
I work, or used to before furlough, my job was mostly alone but meeting the public. Sone locals would come in once a month or so and I usually got them chatting as much as possible
Volunteered to do refreshments at the football club. That was quite humiliating actually because I did a pretty alright job of it and people still ignored me.
I live in a place with a fair few people around (think army barracks) and I'm a WAG. I volunteer within this community, running a twitter account (the irony!), and other fairly minor background type things, not a single person from the twenty or so I see most days (in passing) acknowledges me

I won't go on as its dull for me so must be dire for readers!

It’s not dull. You write very well and you sound lovely. What an uphill battle. Sometimes I think it’s the place you live in.

I can half identify with this. I have a lot of friends and make friends easily, but I've always been utterly, utterly invisible to men. I've never been asked on a date, men never approach me, never had a man whistle, leer, catcall me. Been on OLD and apps like Tinder but get hardly any matches and those that do don't message or maybe just message "hi."

I'm not saying I WANT those things (obviously no woman wants to be harassed) but it does feel embarrassingly, like, what's wrong with me? Why do I repel men? In my case it's not due to being middle-aged since I was invisible to men even when I was a teenager/twentysomething and was slim and pretty.

Honestly, I think being able to connect with people (whether romantically, sexually, or platonically) is a knack you pick up when young and if you make it to adulthood without experiencing that, somehow people subconsciously pick up on that. What was your childhood like, how easy or hard did you find it to make friends?

The other part is, it's likely to be at least partly your life/lifestyle. Being on furlough and on lockdown must be very lonely, and it's so tough to keep friendships going when you can't see people in person. I've found that too. I read somewhere the secret to making friends is being in an environment where you're around the same people regularly. I'm really lucky because my job involves constantly meeting new people, but often working with people intensely for several months and it's hard not to make friends under those circumstances. If you're not working (or if your job doesn't involve much face to face contact with others, or you don't get along with co-workers) then opportunities to make friends as an adult are limited, and it's so much harder to make friends when older.

It's a cliche, but are there any hobby groups you can join locally? Like a choir? Just seeing the same people week after week might help you feel more confident?

The other thing I'd say is don't beat yourself up, because Lockdown has really done a number on relationships and friendships.

If it makes you feel better I am often invisible too.

The other day this guy at work was asking the group questions that I knew the answers to. I kept answering his questions but he kept acting like he couldn’t hear me and speaking to the guy next to me.

It was quite funny and I thought when you’re invisible you can do anything you like. So I talked more and the more I talked the more invisible I became.

You sound lovely - honestly - but maybe the pregnant woman thought it was odd that you offered childcare when you had only chatted once. If you’re close friends with her husband it would be different but you refer to him as “colleague” rather than “friend” so I’m assuming you’re not. Maybe you come on a bit strong?

If I can say this politely: stop helping people. I know how tempting it is, but if you put yourself in the helper role people will only see you as a helper and not as an equal, and will take you for granted.

Just a thought but have you tried asking for help? There's some anthropological theory that asking for help creates bonds as people like to feel needed. I don't mean asking for anything huge or being a CF, but asking to borrow a screwdriver or something, or ask if anyone fancies helping you run whatever event.

You'd make a brilliant private investigator Gardenia!

But seriously, how do you carry yourself physically? Do you look like you don't want to be noticed or do you interact with confidence? I'm of an age now where I talk to anyone and everyone. I used to be very self conscious but I don't give a stuff anymore. Head up, shoulders back and make your presence felt!