Is anyone else utterly invisible?

[GardeniaYellow]

I was wondering if anyone else is as invisible as I am?
I am trying to think of a way to make my invisibility actually work for me but so far it's pretty crippling.
I'm forty, fat, furloughed for a year. I was almost transparent before Covid but now I genuinely question sometimes whether I can actually be seen at all.
I am extremely lonely and have tried (precovid) various ways to meet people, develop friendships. I've been messaging people for the last year checking in on them and received only one out of the blue reciprocal check-in. Other people either ignore the message completely or leave it a couple of days and then give me a short response.
There must be something about me that is creating this scenario because it's everyone who knows me and they're unconnected.
I half joke to myself (because there's no one else to make the joke to!) that I would be an ideal criminal as I am invisible.

I can relate to this, I don’t have many friends and people I think are my friends don’t reply to my messages, men never show any interest in me and never have. I am also have been working from home as a temp and rarely hear from my colleagues, I feel invisible and that I must give out a bad vibe, so you are not alone.

I agree with the helping people thing. I need to probably do this.
I think perhaps I'm at the stage of accepting this. It is CLEARLY me. I'm the common factor. What I want to do is figure out how to accept it and even work WITH it?! If life gives me invisibility, become a shoplifter?!

Hmm I have the opposite problem op, I always seem to have people speaking to me, strangers on the bus, colleagues telling me their problems etc so I might be able so shed light on our differences? I'm a quiet, reserved person but I'm not shy. I will smile and make eye contact so I'm approachable but I don't say much which gives people the opportunity to talk 'at' me. Sadly I feel most people just want to talk about themselves. I hope this helps, as a pp suggested, maybe you are doing all the trying. Let them come to you, you sound great!

Yes I'm invisible too!! Funnily enough also fat and in my forties. I have hobbies, interests and friends but it's just... if I disappeared nobody would actually notice for years.
I think it's about how you view yourself and the image you put forward to the world. So on some level we invisibles actually want to not be noticed and shrink away from the spotlight.

I feel a bit invisible at times. I recently turned 50 and it suddenly seems that I have become totally transparent. Even my emails and whatapp messages don't get responses.

Having said that, when I read the list of all the things you've done, I didn't get the sense that any of these were things you were particularly passionate about? Perhaps showing your enthusiasms might give you better connections? It can take a long time to form a proper friendship (at least it does for me) and you kind of need something to bond over. Recently one theme has been my illness! People with chronic illness seem to love to compare notes (me included)...

Or you could you join MI5. You'd be very useful...

Those who always help and don't ask questions seem so strong, able and independent. You want to show an openess to need other's attention. Try asking people questions and for help as a way forward. Someone to join you for walks?

Remember everyone around you has something they doubt about themselves too, they may seem happier or more confident but everyone has things they aren't good at.

I am sorry that so many women are saying they feel invisible because they are fat. I can't imagine choosing a friend based on their size, though am sure people do.

As an older woman, I was completely invisible. Until lately. Now I attract attention wherever I go.

I just got old and frail. The attention is helpful ( you ok there? Can I help with that? Type of thing)

I quite like being invisible when I was more able bodied, I just carried on with my life without the male gaze. I like it now too. I wish I wasn't frail, but I am. So help is often what I need.

Op, why do you need the male gaze to give you value? You are valuable in your own right, you don't need anyone to give you value. Whether others value is immaterial. You exist anyway.

There was a post on here once from someone struggling to make friends, it turned out she had moved from Brighton to Surrey for her husband's job, it sounded like she was very different to the majority of the other people living there. Could this be you, are you a square peg in a round hole? You mention living in barracks, perhaps you just aren't very similar to the others there? I suggest you pursue your own interests for a while instead of trying to make friends. Take up a new sport or something and Focus on yourself instead of trying to be what other people want you to be?

@GardeniaYellow, it's not just you. I don't think any of my friends would notice if I disappeared entirely, or miss me. Had two friends who live in different countries visit the country, within meeting up distance, but not bother to contact me while here. I didn't have their contact details while they were here and didn't even know one was here until they had left. Haven't actually met up with a friend for at least 10 years and if it wasn't for my mother, I think I'd have gone mad a long time ago. That's probably why I'm here every night. Maybe we should start some sort of group for all the invisible people.

Thanks for the extra info. So I think the problem appears to be that you are running around trying to make yourself useful - and if you adopt a servant role, that is how people see you, especially if you aren’t great at putting your views forward.

I think the most useful thing to do right now, rather than worry about making friends is to do a bit of self examination of what you want out of life, and also, why you have ended up fading yourself into the background.

I hate to bring it up but a bit of therapy might be useful, not to fix you, I don’t think you need fixing, but to help figure out what you want out of life - and also why you fade yourself out. Once you know what you want you can start to put yourself in a starring role, everything will get more colourful, and people will want to join in.

Other than get hold of a therapist (have consultations w at least 3, to figure out who you click with, and be armed with a list of qus), I would just stick up a sheet of paper or put a note on your phone about stuff you would be curious to try, and just start dropping them in - don’t edit - wine tasting course, wild swimming holiday, OU degree, training as a nutritionist, weekend in New York, walking the Camino de stantiago, poll dancing, yoga holiday in India, bread making course, erotic writing course, riding weekend... some things you will keep coming back to, and those are the things to try.

I would also take yourself on a weekly me-date where you get to do something you want to do - go to a cafe you’ve noticed, a pottery class, a pint and a book in a pub, cinema, gallery.. again just jot ideas down. You are a really funny smart woman and I think the first thing to do is find your sense of self

When you say you are a wag in a contained community, are you a military wife with a PT admin job on the base, or something like that?? If so it’s a really tough position to be in, as you aren’t core to that world, and you really aren’t choosing or getting much variety in the people around you. Is there a decent sized town or city near? If not, thank god for online for now, but you may want to look into your living arrangements going forward.

Keep posting

Hello! I am very invisible. I'm disabled and alone and apart from the nurse doing each vaccine I have seen exactly one person the entire pandemic, my dad dropping off food once a week. I totally get it. It's beyond hard to make a keep friends, it's like people's friend-meter filled up earlier in life and there is just no room. I used to have friends, used to work and see people and have hobbies and communicate. Since getting too ill/infirm to work or move much I moved near family for support and because I couldn't afford London without working.

I'm an introvert, it's the only way I've kept going. Doing one day at a time, not dwelling on how long it's been since I talked to a person. I do tend to talk way too much when I do see people, the nurse doing my 2nd jab looked really annoyed as I talked all through her doing it.

I communicate with some people online, on here and through gaming. I used to play multiplayer games, raids in Destiny and MMOs but my hands and back/hips are too bad now, can't use the controller for long or react quickly, or sit in one position for long. But I occasionally chat with people I used to play with about other games, I play single player now at my own pace. Just a little conversation goes a long way even if it's not personal, just gaming related. I can't see anything changing after lockdown, sadly my health has gone down so much I can barely walk now. Some of my medications have been stopped as I've been unable to get bloodtests which has messed me right up so I'll have to go through tests and meetings to get back on them and work back up to the amount I was on.

And my answer here proves, given the chance I talk way way too much to make up for the silence!

I know what you mean OP.

I've tried go along to various events and get involved in things, I'm usually ignored, or people reintroduce themselves to me as they've forgotten me - even when we've met 5-10 times. And I don't mean they just forgot my name. They have no recollection of ever seeing or meeting me. Meanwhile I watch as people attending for the first or second time get fawned over, phone numbers exchanged, etc.

Anyway it is what it is. I've thought before that I could become a private investigator as I'm practically invisible, I could trail someone all day and they'd never notice.

Use people's names and make eye contact. When you go into a room, have a mission of using everyone's name at least once, to their face, and to remember one thing about them that you can bring up next time you see them. It's impossible to pull off, but it's a game. People find their own name electrifying, and they will remember you.

I'm fat, and 37 so not far off 40!
A few things, I chat to anyone and everyone about anything, I started a new job not long ago and my colleagues already confide in me about their personal lives....probably because they already know plenty about mine.
Are you bubbly (hate that term but you know what I mean) even if I'm exhausted I sound interested and make jokes etc when I'm talking to people, no one wants to chat to a fun sponge for long.
Can you actually relate to people of all different personalities? Can you chat with a 20 year old male as comfortably as say an 80 year old female? Friends come from all different backgrounds so you need to be able to chat to everyone to find them.
Controversial part, how do you present yourself? Are you well dressed, hair done nicely, bit of perfume? If you are feeling low and dressing accordingly (a bit scruffy, rough around the edges etc) people will pick up that you don't care about yourself and if you don't care then why would they? It's different if you have the confidence not to care how you are presented as again people pick this up but if you don't you are on a hiding to nothing.
Hope this helps.

OP o think stop ‘trying’ to make friends and just do what YoU enjoy in life

Agree with the poster who gave the tip of using people’s names. There’s a quote that people don’t remember what you did/said, but they remember how you made them feel.

So that can make the difference when you’re either quietly getting on with helping in the background, or actively asking people about themselves and engaging with the answers, sharing your own experiences etc.

A shot of self confidence would do you the world of good but I can see how you’ve become ground down OP

Volunteering in school is a time filler and not really a way of making meaningful connections as there's little time and a hierachy.

Connections with people form best with time spent together having a shared experience.

Making connections with people is harder in the 30s/ 40s as many women have a reduced avaliability of time and attention with rasing families. It is harder to find like minded people compared to other life stages. Sometimes people can be afraid to connect with transient people.

What's your body language like? I'm not saying that you are like this but difficult traits are speaking very quietly and softly so it's hard to hear, little range of facial expression and saying an absolute minimimum so conversation doesn't flow (or unleashing the floodgates and taking over)

I agree that doing something you enjoy is a good way forwards as it's enjoyable in your own right and has a shared common point with others.

Sometimes you can end up in established areas where it's hard to get a foothold in.

I think it is the musical Chicago that has the song Mr cellophane man , people look right through him & never know that he's there . I'm Mrs cellophane. No advice I'm afraid but following.

It's really interesting to try and work out how some people find it easy to make friends and others don't. It's been a constant theme on Mumsnet (& I've been here over 20 years ).

I do find it easy to make friends (& I am fat !) ... I do most of the things suggested so it clearly works for me ... I join a lot of groups and organisations, I do offer to help and get involved... have made quite good friends through PTAs (been on four as we've moved a lot), volunteering, groups like WI etc.

However I do meet people who are quite 'hard work' and almost seem desperate to make friends but 'give' nothing back. I moved to my current town about ten years ago, joined a fitness group, met another new woman who had moved to the town. We had coffee together a couple of times but she constantly moaned about how she hated the new town, wished she hadn't moved etc etc. I didn't like the new place much (still don't!) but our approach seemed totally different- I was making the effort to find things to do that I enjoyed ... and she just moaned.

Not saying you are like this OP but just something I tend to see about people 'trying' to make friends. Maybe concentrate on finding things to do that you enjoy, that way you will find like minded people, they may or may or become friends but at least you will be doing something you enjoy.

@LazyDragonTooth That sounds really hard. I don’t want to derail the OPs thread, but could you look at sheltered housing so you have more of a community around you (once covid is in retreat), and can your family help rally the docs so your meds get sorted?

Apply to become a spy and make it into a strength!

I’m currently in hospital. Been here 3. Weeks since I was referred for blood test by my gp. I have to wear hospital pyjamas because I have no one who can bring me any. No one knows I’m here or has contacted me since I got here, and I have been missed off the meal trolley twice.

Would you consider volunteering for something like Cubs or brownies or rainbows? I can guarantee you won’t be invisible to a group of 15 7-year olds who are chomping at the bit to have fun and cause mischief. You don’t need any quals, often lots of ladies who volunteer at first are struggling a bit with their self esteem or finding their place, and you can get involved as much or as little as you like