Is anyone else utterly invisible?

[GardeniaYellow]

I was wondering if anyone else is as invisible as I am?
I am trying to think of a way to make my invisibility actually work for me but so far it's pretty crippling.
I'm forty, fat, furloughed for a year. I was almost transparent before Covid but now I genuinely question sometimes whether I can actually be seen at all.
I am extremely lonely and have tried (precovid) various ways to meet people, develop friendships. I've been messaging people for the last year checking in on them and received only one out of the blue reciprocal check-in. Other people either ignore the message completely or leave it a couple of days and then give me a short response.
There must be something about me that is creating this scenario because it's everyone who knows me and they're unconnected.
I half joke to myself (because there's no one else to make the joke to!) that I would be an ideal criminal as I am invisible.

Honestly OP, you sound lovely - and if I met you in a setting (volunteering, work, whatever) I'd probably like spending time with you. However, I'm knackered 90% of the time - I work from home, always have done - not a covid thing (own business) and when work is busy I can literally be working from morning till the early hours. Any spare time I have goes to my DH, DDs and my GC. So yes, I'd probably enjoy your company, however I'd be wary of striking up a friendship just because of my current lifestyle.

I know I neglect my friends - In all honesty, I'd rather not have any right now just because I find it stressful keeping up with everyone. I'm just tired and cba . Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, maybe it's not about you at all? Maybe you're just meeting a lot of tired introverts like me?

@GreenGordon

I’m currently in hospital. Been here 3. Weeks since I was referred for blood test by my gp. I have to wear hospital pyjamas because I have no one who can bring me any. No one knows I’m here or has contacted me since I got here, and I have been missed off the meal trolley twice.

That sounds tough green, hope you get home to your own bed soon

I’m fat, in my 40s, although not for much longer, and completely invisible. I’ve even asked myself if I’m dead and don’t know.

I’ve never been the centre of attention or anything but when I think back I wonder if anyone liked me, or was it me doing all the running. I’m married with older children but I’m very lonely and think it’s too late to change things now. As I’ve got older I’ve got more and more shy.

Thanks for the extra info. So I think the problem appears to be that you are running around trying to make yourself useful - and if you adopt a servant role, that is how people see you, especially if you aren’t great at putting your views forward.

I think the most useful thing to do right now, rather than worry about making friends is to do a bit of self examination of what you want out of life, and also, why you have ended up fading yourself into the background.

I hate to bring it up but a bit of therapy might be useful, not to fix you, I don’t think you need fixing, but to help figure out what you want out of life - and also why you fade yourself out. Once you know what you want you can start to put yourself in a starring role, everything will get more colourful, and people will want to join in.

This is excellent advice, OP -- not just for you, but for all the people on here who feel as you do, and who automatically go into 'service' mode when they try to make friends, thereby rendering themselves invisible.

Look what you did when you met the pregnant woman in the hairdresser's -- you saw her pregnancy as an opportunity to talk about her, and it sounds as if you didn't talk about yourself at all, which means she leaves the encounter with little or no idea about who you are, so she's not thinking 'Oh, there's that interesting woman who etc etc' when she next runs into you on the road.

I moved countries at the start of 2020, just before the first lockdown, and am obviously setting out to make new friends, as I know no one at all here. The people I am drawn to so far are very different, but they're all thoughtful, interesting to talk to, funny, and often do something for a living that they're passionate about, and generally have a lot going on in their lives. I'm not thinking about what I can do for them to be of use in their life, I'm purely thinking 'Do I want to see more of this person?' They won't all necessarily want to be friends with me, obviously, but that's not a disaster.

You sound as if your sense of yourself as 'invisible' has paralysed you, and you now behave as though you aren't interesting and memorable in your own right.

I think these feelings of being invisible often start in childhood. Our sense of self worth depends so much on being valued and made to feel loved for ourselves and listened to when we are young. If we grow up feeling that our only usefulness is in listening and helping or being ‘good’, we carry that on into adulthood. Women particularly are taught that their value is in serving. Being a ‘good wife’ or ‘good mother’, or even ‘good friend’. Then there is the ‘good daughter’ who puts her elderly parents needs before her own. Men are not socialised like this and have more inherent sense of self worth. I really think other people value us as we value ourselves. We will be treated in the way we expect , even subconsciously. Women are also taught that being quiet and listening , not drawing attention to ourselves is socially acceptable.

If we come across as people who expect to be taken seriously and listened to, with an inherent sense of self worth , people pick up on that.
My experience is that generally the more you do for others in the hope of being appreciated and valued, the less respect we gain. I agree that if others see us as servants or there to please, they don’t respect or value us.

There is a balance to be struck between being kind and giving ,and showing that we value our own worth . If all comes down to self esteem. That shows in the way someone walks and talks, their expectations and what they will not put up with . Others take their cue from how we treat ourselves.

Helping and volunteering are great, but there needs to be an enjoyment of what is being done for its own sake, not just to ‘meet people’ .

I don't think people should make fun. Are you single - you mentioned being a WAG so guess not?

I wouldn't bother volunteering if people don't really value it.

Some ideas

• go for walk same time every day & you'll start to see people regularly
• get a new job where you meet people
• can you move? Some areas are really unfriendly - Midlands/North for example is much friendlier than nice southern market town

Hope you get some confidence soon

I think that's entirely right, @BirdsandBeesmakinghay, but it's worth saying it is definitely possible, with effort, to change those childhood narratives.

I absolutely grew up with a people-pleasing mother who taught me that nice girls say 'I don't mind, I have no opinions' and 'What you want is always more important than what I want' and 'The worst thing you can be is full of yourself' and to bustle about doing things for other people -- not to take up space in the world, or in conversations. That female confidence was repellent. That it was entirely normal for you to surround yourself with vulnerable, ill, needy people and for them to only contact you to complain or ask you to do something. That it was entirely normal to think that an ordinary phone conversation consisted of a full hour of someone complaining about people you didn't know and in which you only contributed 'Yes', and 'Really?' That it was absolutely not possible to not pick up the phone to that person, even if they phone in the middle of a special occasion dinner or at 11.30 at night.

I had to unlearn all that. But it's definitely possible.

OP - have you seen the episode of Frankie and Grace where Frankie shoplifts because they are invisible Women Of A Certain Age. It struck a chord with me (ftr I have never shoplifted).

Honestly - I lost weight and suddenly became visible again. It is scary to what extent. Not just to men, to women too. Being overweight makes you invisible to everyone. It has been such a surprise to sudden exist again!

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP (you sound lovely to me!)

I think ‘visibility’ is linked to how you present yourself.

I suffer from anxiety and when its bad I feel invisible. When I’m coping better I seem to attract much more positive attention (no idea whether this is really happening or just how I perceive things).

I’m no better looking when I’m well, but I kind of expect people to react positively to me and 9 times out of 10 they do.. could you practice assuming people like you and see how you go?

This is an interesting thread, as I’m invisible too. I can be chatting quite happily to someone outside school, someone else will turn up and I am immediately ditched and ignored until I fade away quietly. When I moved to the area, about 10years ago I met some other mums via online meet ups, I had a couple of friends for a while and then I was ditched, and they continued on seeing each other. I’ve also been part of a large school-mums crowd, at one point being excluded and asked to babysit instead. Reading the advice here, think I am boring, and getting even more boring due to wfh during the pandemic that is going to continue indefinitely. I also get a bit carried away over sharing if someone shows any interest in talking to me I think. I work full time, exercise, and look after the kids. That’s it.

@GreenGordon that must feel horrible. Can you chat on here?
OP I have felt like you. I was talking to a mum.outside school this week and as soon as another mum rocked up I was standing there like twat and has to keep nodding and trying to join in but getting not much back. You feel a spare part then it becomes self fulfilling.

I was the class rep last year for reception to put myself put there, then covid happened and feel I'm back to not knowing any locals.

One of my best mates has got a full time job and pre covid we would meet in the evening, now she is too tired in the week and sees other friends at the weekend. I asked her out tonight but she blew me out at 6pm. When she isnt working she asks to see me a few times in the week days but because her other friends are working I can only presume

Shame all us invisible lonely type dont all all live close to each other or we could set up a group friendship

People actually start to ignore me when I talk. I know how u feel.

I wanted to add an experience I had recently. Am not at all saying you are like this AT ALL, but just thought it may be relevant because it is about the art of making friends, a skill that I have had to learn.

I joined a social group in my area as I am new to London. I set up an event for an interest of mine. Three women confirmed to attend ( not many but better than nothing). Two of them came to the venue with a smile, asked questions about me and my career, about the interest, about my family, and welcomed me to the city. Thanked me later for organising the whole thing by email. The third woman turned up with a face like a slapped arse, hardly spoke, did not ask me anything about myself, did not share anything about her own family. At the end of the event, just shuffled off without even saying "Nice to meet you" and then did not thank me for organising.

I have already made further plans with the two women who were friendly and have decided to have no further contact with the third, and treat her as if she was invisible the next time. I assume the third person was shy or an introvert. The thing is though if people come for a social event, I think it is fair to assume they are being social.

Mare I have experienced similar, people have to make an effort to be sociable so it is not just 'one way', so many people want to be 'friends' but only on their terms. I find it ridiculously easy to make friends, I am absolutely nothing 'special' but I do make an effort.

Also I often see people only want to be friends with 'people like them' ... I love having friends with different points of view & experiences to me, my friends are all different ages and stages in life ... it's so refreshing to meet 'individuals' rather than just stick to people my own age and background.

@Ragwort

Mare I have experienced similar, people have to make an effort to be sociable so it is not just 'one way', so many people want to be 'friends' but only on their terms. I find it ridiculously easy to make friends, I am absolutely nothing 'special' but I do make an effort.

Also I often see people only want to be friends with 'people like them' ... I love having friends with different points of view & experiences to me, my friends are all different ages and stages in life ... it's so refreshing to meet 'individuals' rather than just stick to people my own age and background.

I think it's very true that people want to be friends with other people like themselves. In general, people like to have their assumptions/political opinions and outlook reinforced by others rather than challenged . Jealousy also can be a problem if there is an income differential or one person is happily married and the other single , or one person has children and the other doesn't. Sad to say. So if you make other people feel uncomfortable, inadequate or out of their comfort zone, they won't generally want to be friends. Alternatively, they might not think you are 'good enough' to be seen around with.

I lived in Surrey for a while and hated it for this reason. Everyone was judged according to their car, clothes and what sort of house they lived in.

You don't seem boring to me, I'll be your chum!

OP I feel a lot like you do. In fact last weekend was the first time in over a year that we had gotten together with family. My niece came running over for a hug and said loudly "Auntie Nigel! I forgot you existed. I mean now I remember you but I really forgot about you!" I laughed it off as she is only 9 but it was embarrassing as everyone laughed.

Women in the cabinet except for Priti Patel. Never seen in press conferences.

Dye your hair purple. Seriously. People will assume you are interesting.

I have already made further plans with the two women who were friendly and have decided to have no further contact with the third, and treat her as if she was invisible the next time. I assume the third person was shy or an introvert. The thing is though if people come for a social event, I think it is fair to assume they are being social.

That seems a bit harsh, @MareofBeasttown. She may be dealing with all sorts of problems. You’ve no obligation to be her friend, but to say you will “treat her as if she was invisible” when you next see her sounds cruel.

Yes, perhaps, I am sorry. I phrased that wrong. I meant I won't make an effort to be friends with her or draw her out. I am 49, I am tired of the effort only going one way.These days I seek out people who radiate, not drain me.

@Elisandra

I have already made further plans with the two women who were friendly and have decided to have no further contact with the third, and treat her as if she was invisible the next time. I assume the third person was shy or an introvert. The thing is though if people come for a social event, I think it is fair to assume they are being social.

That seems a bit harsh, @MareofBeasttown. She may be dealing with all sorts of problems. You’ve no obligation to be her friend, but to say you will “treat her as if she was invisible” when you next see her sounds cruel.

I agree . Awful things may be going on. She might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Don’t judge her.

Not judging but surely it is not too much effort to send a one line message thanking someone for organising something that you have turned up for. We are all going through awful things right now.

I like being invisible. I had way too much attention in 2020 (work related).

Where do you live now @BirdsandBeesmakinghay (Much as I adore the countryside and London on the doorstep, we're moving out of Surrey soon for the same reason and don't want to make that mistake again!)