I’m panicking and about to self sabotage please can someone talk this through? I’m desperate

[Treysv]

I get really anxious about relationships and currently have therapy to deal with it. Things have been fine and therapy seems to have been working.

However last night me and DP (not that long together, around 10 months) had a phone call. It was nice but not as fun as usual, I was tired and it just wasn’t flowing as much. We ended the call nicely and usually he sends a short message saying it was lovely to chat etc, or something nice. I ended up texting him a photo or landscape from recent walk and said goodnight. He replied saying ‘night x’

It’s made me feel sick...the call wasn’t as fun as usual or as long, he usually says something a bit soppy after a call and instead just said ‘night x’

I then stupidly followed up with a message I deleted before he read and then another saying hope you have a good day tomorrow and was really nice to chat earlier. He read it this morning and replied saying ‘sure, thanks for messages, was nice chatting last night Have a good day too and enjoy sun x’

I know I sound ridiculous typing this out but I honestly feel sick and worried he’s re evaluating the whole relationship after the average call and then the short message. I’m also really confused by his ‘sure’ at the start of the message?!?

I have typed out a message saying maybe we should leave meeting this weekend, and another saying I’m not sure we want the same things and this isn’t going anywhere... I know I’m doing it because I’m seeking validation he wants me and my mind is not thinking straight but when I’m in this mindset it’s like a bomb goes off in my mind and I spiral.

My next therapy appointment is next week and I’m so scared in going to do something silly now before then. Please can anyone talk this through? When im not feeling anxious like this I’m a pretty good partner to him and I’m about to ruin all that again by throwing a grenade in :(

Sorry should have said that I explained the deleted message saying ‘sorry sent the wrong message just wanted to say hope you have a good day tomorrow and was nice to chat earlier x’ maybe his ‘sure’ was about me and explaining the deletion?

Maybe give yourself a time limit - don’t message him again until at least this afternoon. All relationships have better and less good days, it’s part of the flow. Step away and think of any advice your therapist has given you about managing your anxiety.

I see it as him realising you were preoccupied and wanting to give you space.

There is nothing in his messages that makes me think he is looking to end it. Please try to relax

Can you make a commitment to yourself that you won’t text him any of those things today?
Reading what he has said, all sounds okay and your overthinking.
I recommend the book Attached by Levine www.waterstones.com/book/attached/amir-levine/rachel-heller/9781529032178

First things first don't message. DON"T MESSAGE.
Put the phone in a big envelope, seal it and write on the front DON'T MESSAGE - or lock it in a cupboard, or on the highest shelf.

No good ever came out of emotional texting.

Once you've got rid of the phone, stop and think about what's been covered in your therapy so far? Any exercises to help you calm down? Any underlying reasons why you feel like this that you can think through logically?

If you're already in therapy you've at least already acknowledged your issues. Use that knowledge to bring yourself back to a calm place.

Thanks for the replies. @NameChangeNameShange yes a lot of my reactions that don’t go so well are because I’ve text immediately on that feeling rather than waiting. I’ve not opened his messsge this morning, just read it from Home Screen so he doesn’t know I’ve definitely read it yet. I sound like I’m totally crazy but I have a good job lots of friends and generally I’m responsible and measured about life! I just massively let myself down here and even now my heart is pounding and I want to text something that provoked discussion I hate it. All I can think is he’s going off me

If he is going off you there is nothing you can do about it and texting him needy stuff or cancelling plans will likely make it worse.
Chances are he isn't going off you and it's your anxiety talking but if he is, you can't control his feelings or change them by sending texts.

If he is having doubts, a highly emotive text is definitely going to push him over the edge.

Like a PP said all relationships have good days and bad, it can't possibly be romance and sparkles all the time - some days aren't good or bad, they are just meh. Maybe yesterday was one of those for a 100 different reasons, none of which were a reflection on you, or the relationship.

I don't know you but I can promise you that you deserve better than this emotional roller coaster - but here's the kicker, it doesn't sound like he's the one putting you through all the stress, its your self.

To badly quote Ru Paul (forgive me I have daughters who've been binge watching Drag Race) "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else"

It all sounds fine to me. If he IS a thinking of ending it (which it doesn’t sound like to me) then emotional, needy messages aren’t likely to make him change his mind. Nothing good will come of it.

As for the phone call, not all days are bright/sparkly/amazing. You are both allowed to be tired/grumpy etc. It’s natural.

I work away a lot and often have very 'meh' conversations with my husband on the phone. We're still. Very happily married! Chances are your partner might not even have noticed how off you were feeling. Concentrate on the positives - you still had a chat. He still sent you a message. If he's a decent man he won't have 'gone off you' just because of one less than sparkling conversation. You're a person not a performer! Try to be kind to yourself today. Easier said than done I know.

Ps also - well done for recognising what you are doing. It's brilliant that you are able to see this behaviour for what it is. So be proud of yourself for that.

@tinselvestsparklepants

Ps also - well done for recognising what you are doing. It's brilliant that you are able to see this behaviour for what it is. So be proud of yourself for that.

This... if you take nothing else from this thread, take this

If you have "a good job, lots of friends" etc can you please spend today focusing on them? This relationship is one small part of your life. It's not your whole life. Your anxiety will feed itself when you obsess like this. Check in with three friends asking them how their life is . Arrange a meet up with friend seven. Is there a friends birthday soon? Why not order a special card. Have a great day at work. Are there any courses on LinkedIn you could sign up for to develop your skills further? Whats your credit score? Have you got a personal budget? Does the car need a wash? Get off this thread or anything else that's just you feeding your obsession. Do something important instead.

@tinselvestsparklepants thanks for being so nice to me. I’m aware of how pathetic I sound. I hate that I am like this. I am fine at the start of relationships, have zero issues getting a man interested... then as time goes on I start to panic. It’s so horrible. I’m surprised me and DP have lasted this long to be honest, I’ve tried very very very hard to be calm and had therapy all the time which seems to have worked a bit. But i still have moments like this. I hate it so much.

@Mountaingoatling thank you! I just constantly analyse things all the time. It’s exhausting. I’m still obsessing over why he said ‘sure’ and that will be on my mind all day.

Urgh I hate it

I'm feeling all claustrophobic and anxious just reading this thread so please, whatever you do, do not text him messages trying to provoke a reaction in order to push him one way or the other

It's good you recognise your issues and are dealing with them but it would be a really bad idea to foist them on him for no reason whatsoever

Oh my goodness, you have described my behaviour to a t! I still do it now.

Best advice - DO NOT MESSAGE. Wait until you're a bit calmer and you can then re-assess the situation when your head is clearer. That will allow for a more measured response.

I used to be like this overthinking, second guessing and sabotaging were my thing. I'd reply with something light hearted something like " thankfully its Friday! Talk later sweet" then forget about it. Its the not replying that keeps his message in your head send the message then get busy with something else.

It’s great you recognise when you get like this. Have you worked with your therapists on how to deal with these thoughts?

Just don’t text him while you feel like this. Ground yourself and distract yourself with other things in your life. Try to timetable the rest of your day with things to do to help you reduce your obsessing.

Thanks for all the helpful points. I feel so low about it today. I’ve always been like this about relationships. I don’t know why?? In therapy we tend to talk about strategies but when I’m in a panic they don’t always work which is why I posted.

I feel sick and sad

Another one who knows how you feel, @Treysv.

It’s all deep rooted stuff, so don’t beat yourself up! But don’t text the anxious stuff 😃

I too am in therapy and have been much better. What also helps is realising that DP just takes things at face value and doesn’t analyse at all, never mind over analyse, so I spend ages worrying about stuff like this and he’s just tootling along oblivious!

You don’t have to be your best, most sparkling self all the time. No one is. And it’s fine.

What kind of therapy are you having? Have they given you any pointers on how to deal with the obsessive ruminating?

Sorry cross posted.

@WouldBeGood I just feel so low that I want to end it as I feel cross with him but he’s done nothing wrong!! Why do I do it?! I don’t understand it.

It honestly feels like the relationship is over to me. Even though I know I’m being over the top. Exhausted.