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Original poster

I’m panicking and about to self sabotage please can someone talk this through? I’m desperate

67 replies

Treysv · 11/06/2021 07:33

I get really anxious about relationships and currently have therapy to deal with it. Things have been fine and therapy seems to have been working.

However last night me and DP (not that long together, around 10 months) had a phone call. It was nice but not as fun as usual, I was tired and it just wasn’t flowing as much. We ended the call nicely and usually he sends a short message saying it was lovely to chat etc, or something nice. I ended up texting him a photo or landscape from recent walk and said goodnight. He replied saying ‘night x’

It’s made me feel sick...the call wasn’t as fun as usual or as long, he usually says something a bit soppy after a call and instead just said ‘night x’

I then stupidly followed up with a message I deleted before he read and then another saying hope you have a good day tomorrow and was really nice to chat earlier. He read it this morning and replied saying ‘sure, thanks for messages, was nice chatting last night Have a good day too and enjoy sun x’

I know I sound ridiculous typing this out but I honestly feel sick and worried he’s re evaluating the whole relationship after the average call and then the short message. I’m also really confused by his ‘sure’ at the start of the message?!?

I have typed out a message saying maybe we should leave meeting this weekend, and another saying I’m not sure we want the same things and this isn’t going anywhere... I know I’m doing it because I’m seeking validation he wants me and my mind is not thinking straight but when I’m in this mindset it’s like a bomb goes off in my mind and I spiral.

My next therapy appointment is next week and I’m so scared in going to do something silly now before then. Please can anyone talk this through? When im not feeling anxious like this I’m a pretty good partner to him and I’m about to ruin all that again by throwing a grenade in :(

OP posts:

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/06/2021 08:57

Firstly be kind to yourself.

I actually think it's a bloody good sign you posted- you recognised you might not be being rational and sought advice on here. Seems like a strategy to me!

Honestly, reading it there's nothing to suggest he's going to leave you.

I'd use this as an example in your next session. Wrote down how you are feeling, what you have done/what you haven't done etc (almost make yourself a case study)

Best wishes to you op. And DO NOT message!

WouldBeGood · 11/06/2021 08:58

Ok @Treysv take a deep breath. Stop beating yourself up, this is not your fault. In fact you’re doing really well to see what’s happening and deal with it. Be proud of yourself for that- it’s not easy, I know, I can be a bloody nightmare. Worse if I’m tired or fed up anyway.

It all stems, usually, from relationships formed and modelled in childhood. Look up attachment styles and see if any of them ring any bells.

Try to think about the nice plans you have for the weekend and try to relax. I know that’s much easier said than done, but in this case just fake it til you make it

Original poster

Treysv · 11/06/2021 09:02

Thanks so much. I am sorry for being so pathetic. I don’t know why I’m so sad really, I think I am just exhausted with feeling so stressed and so sad about it. Unless I am completely on form and happy and witty I feel like people will leave me. I am really good at attracting men and then after a few months I just become this ball of panic and stress like now

OP posts:

WouldBeGood · 11/06/2021 09:11

It’s not pathetic at all. I also see that you apologise a lot.. try really hard to stop doing that. I know it sounds a small thing, but it really changes your mindset. You have nothing to apologise for. (Again, I speak from experience 😃)

You can shift this pattern now you’ve seen it. Which is a great thing.

GroggyLegs · 11/06/2021 09:14

Any chance of seeing your therapist today, or even a phone call with them?

You might hate me asking this,but does exercise help your anxiety? When I'm overwhelmed & anxious a run, more often than not, sorts me out and gives me a break from ruminating, but appreciate it's not for everyone.

TokyoSushi · 11/06/2021 09:19

Ah OP, stay here with us where it's safe if necessary, DO NOT, under any circumstances text any of those things, at all, ever, do you hear me?!

The 'sure' is absolutely fine, well done for realising that texting isn't the right thing to do, hope you're ok

Greylamp100 · 11/06/2021 09:25

It might be that you were both really tired or he was feeling ill/had a bad day at work/ is worried about something. Once you have had a few of these 'meh' calls/ dates and you see that you recover from them you will become less anxious. Being needy though and pushing him away WILL become a self fulfilling prophesy.

Next time you talk, you might find everything is absolutely fine. If it is still not quite the same, just say " you sound tired/ a bit fed up, is everything ok?
DON'T assume it is you or the relationship.

LawrenceChaney22 · 11/06/2021 09:33

Its easy to say don't panic and overthink but when you are in that situation it's the only thing you can do ! The best thing I find to do is to keep away from my phone and keep myself busy, don't beat yourself up about this

allycat4 · 11/06/2021 09:33

I think this is a normal part of a relationship as they settle down. Wait until you've been married for a few years, phone calls are always meh

But seriously, as others say - IF he is going cool, then the worst thing you can do is text. I would leave it alone completely, and I'd put reasonable money on the likelihood that he'll be in touch soon completely normal.

Brazilianut · 11/06/2021 09:38

As other PP have said, please do not message.

Let him text next and he WILL. You’re massively overthinking and all couples have those moments where it gets a bit boring due to tiredness etc.

Do something nurturing today and write out how you feel, but as you’re aware it’s self sabotage simply don’t do it.

ThursdayWeld · 11/06/2021 09:46

You probably haven't got to 10 months before, have you? It can't be the honeymoon period for ever. Like PPs have said, all longterm relationships ebb and flow.

Also, have a read up on Attachment Theory. Do that today, instead of texting him. I bet you will get some "Aha!!" moments.

CaraherEIL · 11/06/2021 10:05

OP,
You are scared and you are trying to live with the fear. You know this is a pattern where you sabotage your relationships. This relationship is going well, when you are resisting the urge to sabotage it then you are doing a really good thing.
This is exactly what it feels like to stop a behaviour that you know is destructive.
It is really hard and uncomfortable but when you are having those feelings tell yourself they are part of letting go off your old self destructive behaviours. You have to live through them without giving in to develop new healthier ways of managing uncertainty.
Do positive things for yourself today,

Sarahlou63 · 11/06/2021 11:36

I'll just leave this here;

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start…can't figure out why.

Worriesome · 11/06/2021 11:41

Okay OP calm down deep breaths. You can get through this. Firstly, do not send any message regarding wanting different things in an attempt to seek validation. For all you know he’s not even thinking negatively yet your going to plant a seed that really doesn’t need to be planted. Let things flow, nothing bad has happened, don’t let your thoughts run away with you. In any relationship an average conversation is nothing to worry about, I’m married and some days don’t even have the energy to strike up any conversation but that doesn’t mean I want the relationship to end or that I don’t love OH.0 please be kind to yourself and just chill, go with the rhythm x

Original poster

Treysv · 11/06/2021 12:07

Thank you so much for the support, I am reading all the replies.

I wish I knew why I did this. I am good fun and relaxed and reasonable at the start and with friends but it just gets overwhelming for me. I want to feel secure and settled down but that isn’t going to happen if I carry on like this.

I’ve not opened his message though obviously I can see it without opening WhatsApp. It’s a nice message and I feel differently about it now than I did this morning. Which just shows how crazy I can be. Why am I like this? It ruins my life so much

OP posts:

WouldBeGood · 11/06/2021 12:20

@Sarahlou63 that’s exactly it 😂

Original poster

Treysv · 11/06/2021 12:23

@Sarahlou63 that made me smile

OP posts:

ThursdayWeld · 11/06/2021 12:27

Why are you like this? It's your Attachment style. Seriously, look up Attachment Theory.

Original poster

Treysv · 11/06/2021 12:28

@ThursdayWeld I have looked up attachment styles. I don’t understand where it’s come from though. My sister is younger and married. Seems to be calm relationship.

OP posts:

Worriesome · 11/06/2021 12:31

Everyone is different OP, but that’s not to say you’re stuck with this style, you can change it x

justanotherneighinparadise · 11/06/2021 12:39

I’ve been listening to a lot of therapy type videos recently and what you’re doing is very textbook. Getting scared, pushing someone away in the hope they’ll prove their love for you, riding that high for a short length of time before you do it again. Sometimes you push someone away and they do leave, then you sigh a sigh of relief knowing you were right all along and they never loved you really. Then you ride that high for a while until you crash.

The real culprit as I’m sure you know is low self worth/poor self esteem and that’s what you’re working through.

Original poster

Treysv · 11/06/2021 12:45

@justanotherneighinparadise I couldn’t have summed it up better! That’s exactly what it is! And there is a weird sense of ‘yes see I was right!’ If he is distant or reacts badly to what I say. I hate it.

I am so sad. All I’ve wanted is a life without someone and I am the reason why I’ve not had that

OP posts:

Original poster

Treysv · 11/06/2021 12:46

I also have huge huge huge waves of anxiety when I leave his house or he leaves mine. I’ve been known to cry for half an hour after I’ve left in the car. I don’t even know why as I’m fine once home. I just have this sheer panic. He has no idea I do that. It’s not normal to leave your partners house and feel like that is it. I am exhausted

OP posts:

AramintaArrowsmith · 11/06/2021 12:52

Think you need some quite intense therapy ASAP because this really isn't fair on your partner at all. I am sympathetic etc but imagine the sexes reversed and a man coming on here saying all this.

You're now deliberately not opening his messages ... for what reason? To punish him? Poor bloke is part of a 'game' you're playing and he won't be able to win, because he's not aware of the rules

Original poster

Treysv · 11/06/2021 12:53

@AramintaArrowsmith you’re right, I do my best to hide all this from him though and generally do ok with that. He doesn’t know how I feel when I leave his house for instance.

I haven’t read the message as I don’t want to obsess over what to say back and if he’s read it etc. Most days I don’t do that but I feel like I might today. I don’t see it as a game, I’m just trying to stay calm.

OP posts:

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