I’m panicking and about to self sabotage please can someone talk this through? I’m desperate

[Treysv]

I get really anxious about relationships and currently have therapy to deal with it. Things have been fine and therapy seems to have been working.

However last night me and DP (not that long together, around 10 months) had a phone call. It was nice but not as fun as usual, I was tired and it just wasn’t flowing as much. We ended the call nicely and usually he sends a short message saying it was lovely to chat etc, or something nice. I ended up texting him a photo or landscape from recent walk and said goodnight. He replied saying ‘night x’

It’s made me feel sick...the call wasn’t as fun as usual or as long, he usually says something a bit soppy after a call and instead just said ‘night x’

I then stupidly followed up with a message I deleted before he read and then another saying hope you have a good day tomorrow and was really nice to chat earlier. He read it this morning and replied saying ‘sure, thanks for messages, was nice chatting last night Have a good day too and enjoy sun x’

I know I sound ridiculous typing this out but I honestly feel sick and worried he’s re evaluating the whole relationship after the average call and then the short message. I’m also really confused by his ‘sure’ at the start of the message?!?

I have typed out a message saying maybe we should leave meeting this weekend, and another saying I’m not sure we want the same things and this isn’t going anywhere... I know I’m doing it because I’m seeking validation he wants me and my mind is not thinking straight but when I’m in this mindset it’s like a bomb goes off in my mind and I spiral.

My next therapy appointment is next week and I’m so scared in going to do something silly now before then. Please can anyone talk this through? When im not feeling anxious like this I’m a pretty good partner to him and I’m about to ruin all that again by throwing a grenade in :(

@Treysv honestly, there’s hope! I could have written your posts but nuw I can be genuinely happy that I have my own time and space without feeling that awful anxiety that he secretly doesn’t want me.

[quote Treysv]@justanotherneighinparadise I couldn’t have summed it up better! That’s exactly what it is! And there is a weird sense of ‘yes see I was right!’ If he is distant or reacts badly to what I say. I hate it.

I am so sad. All I’ve wanted is a life without someone and I am the reason why I’ve not had that[/quote]
I do similar with my female relationships. I ride the high of people liking me and form a large group of mummy friends but then I push a large portion of them away and ride that high of no one liking me and almost revel in the validation. I have terribly low self esteem. I know why, it’s no puzzle to me, so I know my pattern of behaviour and because I know what I do I prefer to keep most people at arms length. I’m like a wounded animal. I’m great when you keep your distance, I’ll cope with you coming closer as long as your throwing me tit-bits, but once you get too close and put demands on me, I’m gone.

Fortunately I’ve been with my partner for a decade and he manages me beautifully. Just the right mix of unconditional love and leaving me alone 🤣

You're doing so much better than you think OP. You've recognised what's happening and you have used a strategy to deal with it. Reaching out here for support is a strategy (and it seems to be working too).

Anxiety is such a pain in the ass. What things have you spoken about with your therapist? Can you reflect on any conversations now - or write some notes down to help you focus on what you've learnt?

I saw your comment about how your sister is 'fine' and settled. I wonder how much this comparison is helpful to you? It sounds like it could be another stick to beat yourself with (why can't I be like her, I should be like her, what's wrong with me etc). How many siblings do you know that are exactly the same in their approach to life? Everyone is different, even people who grew up in the same family.

I hope you can be kind to yourself this afternoon. I think you should be proud of yourself

Gosh that all sounds exhausting. Well done for engaging in therapy, keep going and things will change over time. Whatever you do, no alcohol tonight!

Thanks for the support. I’m just mulling over how it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Which is silly as it’s only been a matter of months. Just feeling shit today I think. The call was short last night and not like usual, we often chat for two or three hours and last night was more like half an hour or so. Just feel like i will never find someone right for me

Its just fear of abandonment. We all have it just some more than others depending on past experience. Not to minimise it but this was a game changer for me- name it. Its good you recognise it. Then you just need to work on strategies for dealing with it yourself which could include

• distraction techniques
• self care for yourself
• talking to your partner about what happened in your past

Don't dwell on it too much, it only makes it worse as it takes focus away from the present which is where the good things are.

@Treysv

Thanks for the support. I’m just mulling over how it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Which is silly as it’s only been a matter of months. Just feeling shit today I think. The call was short last night and not like usual, we often chat for two or three hours and last night was more like half an hour or so. Just feel like i will never find someone right for me

Thats all negative self talk and trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Don't make decisions when you feel this way, make them when you are feeling rational. What caring words would you say to a friend in your shoes?

Ugh this sounds tough. Are you able to contact your therapist before next week? Perhaps a phone appointment?

@MistySkiesAfterRain thanks. I did consider telling my partner about it but I worry I sound crazy. What would I say? I’m scared you’ll abandon me? It’s not sexy or attractive is it... also the fact is he could abandon me at any time that’s the reality. It makes me so scared to get close to anyone. I hate that I feel like this.

I think labelling it has helped me box it off more as a fear rather than a reality. I guess I just have to keep distracting myself as hard and as tiring as it is

Don’t tell him. And don’t spiral!

Yiu can do it

Op, you are doing great, working it through and not acting on your feelings right now.

The real culprit as I’m sure you know is low self worth/poor self esteem and that’s what you’re working through.

I have felt like the op many times. In fact @Sarahlou63 sums it up brilliantly, I still feel like this sometimes with dh or with friends.

I have observed in myself, my dc and relatives that this slightly obsessive thinking can be just that, a way your brain processes emotions and information. It doesn't just have to be low self esteem due to a lack of something in childhood. Some of us just mull things over more. I have found that exercising, practicing gratitude and some lovely positive affirmations deal with these thought spirals nicely. I also really rate CBT.

You've got this op, don't beat yourself up, don't compare yourself to your sister or anyone else. Be happy for them but protect yourself and your happiness by embracing how you are including this slightly obsessive thoughts.

I know many women who are married long term with grown up children who are still insecure and have a fear of abandonment. It didn't stand in their way of raising a family or finding a lovely partner. Let it go. It will be fine, most likely and if not a lovelier guy will come along soon enough.

Came back to see how you're doing. I think this thread is great. You've identified a behaviour and a pattern, so now you can choose if you want it to continue it if you want it to change.

You will probably need help doing this. Firstly, from yourself as your own Best Friend. Secondly, from your therapist. But also from your partner. If you tell him what you're going through and what you think sometimes, he can help. Maybe if you can tell him that sometimes you catastrophise you can agree that - rather than him constantly reassuring you, which is annoying and needy, just ask him to promise that if he is ever fed up with you, he'll say so! That way, you can take any chat or message at face value. Get him to tell you about HIS communication style. Yours is to read between every line. His is probably more straight forwards!
Tell him you're being honest because you've noticed in the past you do this and push people away. But you don't want to push him away. If he's decent, he'll listen.
Oh- and hours of chat every day? I adore my husband but ye gods id not want to chat to him on the phone that long every day. We'd run out of chat and I have things to do. Maybe you should try and cut down your chats. He's allowed to be bored on the phone no matter how much he loves you!

@tinselvestsparklepants he got in touch again yesterday evening and we had a some text messages that were really nice and chatty and shared some music clips etc. All seemed normal.

I get very anxious when I’m not sure when we are next meeting or where the relationship is going. At only a few months in I don’t feel I can start talking about the next step which would be living together! So I’m trying to be realistic about that. He’s said he will plan more in advance when we will meet which makes me feel much calmer. I’m not a head case generally (I don’t think ) . I just want to be settled with a home with someone. I love my house but it’s lonely.

You seem to be overthinking this, and with that, develop a belief system based on assumption underpinned by emotional instability

@Treysv

Sorry should have said that I explained the deleted message saying ‘sorry sent the wrong message just wanted to say hope you have a good day tomorrow and was nice to chat earlier x’ maybe his ‘sure’ was about me and explaining the deletion?

I think, from reading what you’ve said, that he replied ‘sure’ in response to your explanation to the deleted message. That’s how I’m interpreting it anyway.

Didn't mean to cause any upset, if i did.

Cross posted with yours Op.
It’s good that you had a good conversation last night, I’m glad to hear that, and that everything seemed normal.