What do I need to know about the football?

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I've been invited to make up a booked table at a pub to watch the England game. For various personal reasons it's very good to have been asked. They've included me because they know I've been having a rough time of things lately and because I have a reputation as a football fanatic and and I am, I follow my lower league team all over the country.

However, I usually take zero interest in Premiership and International football which doesn't seem real to me.

A crash course? I understand the game, but don't know any of the stars.

You just need to know what colour England are playing in so you don't accidentally cheer the wrong team. Practice shouting "NOOOOOO" or "GOALLLLLLLLLLLL" (whichever is relevant).

I just remember 'Three lions' by Baddiel and Skinner, that's the extent of my knowledge. And Gazza crying Possibly a different tournament?

Erm....I don’t know where to start! England has Croatia, Scotland and Czech Republic in their group. Harry Kane is our main goal scorer, and also captain. There are lots of young players in the squad for whom this is their first tournament but also several who went to the World Cup in 2018 where we got to the semis.

Not sure what else you might want to know?

England have plenty of young attacking talent, and Harry Kane (the captain) is one of the best strikers in the world. The defence is dodgy, though, and if Henderson isn’t fit, we lack experience & leadership in midfield.

We will probably squeeze through our group before going out on penalties to the first decent team we play in the knockout stages. As usual.

We will probably squeeze through our group before going out on penalties to the first decent team we play in the knockout stages. As usual.

Noooo, 2018 was a new dawn and we will never lose a shoot-out again

Know when to get a round in you'll be fine

The jury's out on whether I'll be making an appearance.

The trouble with Arsenal is they always try and walk it in

@toppocket

The trouble with Arsenal is they always try and walk it in

All I know is the team Gareth has chosen has too many right backs, not enough attacking force and it seems like every football pundit ever has a man-crush on Jack Grealish given that they ignore his tendency to fall over and scream in agony at the slightest push and instead bang on endlessly about his 'powerful thighs'.

Footballer hair is also a thing - topknots and man-buns aside, look out for Phil Foden's blonde 'Gazza' do and apparently the style everyone wants now is a 'short Jack and sides'

Enjoy your night!

Grealish is a twat.

Expect all England's group games to be a boring 1-0.

Over paid grown men running around the pitch. Acting out when they get tackled. Just remember to support the right team

England always fail to meet expectations so you only really have to practice a stoic air of disappointment and a Daily Mail sad face.