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Original poster

Would you accept this at 6 months in?

59 replies

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 12:15

DP and I have been exclusive for last 6 months, known him around 8 months. He works in surgery and has always been very busy, though we’ve seen each other weekly, 2 or 3 nights a week. He comes to me and vice versa. In most ways he’s a perfect gentleman. He is caring and loving and we get on very well.

He’s due to write a paper by end of September. He now wants his weekends exclusively dedicated to that as he feels the deadline is now getting too close if he doesn’t start soon. I get it. He can’t really do it in the week as he’s on shifts. I get that too.
But what I don’t get is literally writing off a full weekend of seeing each other?! He initially said we could get dinner sat eve but then first thing Sunday he’d be back to the paper. I said that was fine but would be nice to stay Sunday eve and said I’d meet friends on Sunday then come back Sunday eve for dinner and stay over before work on Monday. He didn’t like this idea, said he needed the entire weekend on the paper and even dinner sat night was pushing it. I’ve asked how many weeks he foresees this and he says he doesn’t know as it depends how it goes

We’ve since arranged that we will meet Sunday eve and have sun and mon night together which is fine though obviously work in between and he will probably work some of both evenings. I can put up with this and accept it - I also have a very heavy job and work most days.

My question is, do you think it’s strange or unreasonable for him to take this approach? To write off whole weekends essentially? There’s no way he’s seeing anyone else. I’ve no reason to doubt him but it seems so excessive not to at least have a quick dinner (I even said I would cook alone so he could carry on working and just have quick chat when eating). He’s known for being quite obsessional with things, compartmentalises a lot. I just feel a bit shit about it. Unfair of me? Would you be ok with it?

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 09/06/2021 12:20

He is obviously prioritising his paper over you. This is fine, it is his choice. You aren't wrong want to see him more either. You are both just prioritising different things. He maybe finds it difficult to switch between things and finds it preferable to focus on this one thing and get it done? I guess you have to decide if you can accept the time he is making himself available to you or if you walk away.

Worriesome · 09/06/2021 12:21

It’s only a couple months, you will still be seeing each other through it but just not as much as you’d like. I’d advise you to be supportive of him as he’ll remember your support and patience once the paper is finished and submitted. Otherwise you say he’s a great guy so why let this interrupt a nice relationship? I know you’re saying you’re happy to cook alone and just have a quick chat over the meal itself but maybe he would feel guilty having you cook alone or having you be there but him not be able to do anything with you. Sounds like the time he will be making for you guys will be decent one on one time so I’d say it’s about taking quality over quantity these next few months x

ChocOrange1 · 09/06/2021 12:22

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. His priority is his work, which is fine for him, but its not compatible with a relationship at this time. 3 months of only seeing him for one evening a week and he might be working that evening too... definitely not.

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ChocOrange1 · 09/06/2021 12:24

Sounds like the time he will be making for you guys will be decent one on one time so I’d say it’s about taking quality over quantity these next few months
To me it doesn't sound like this at all. He will be working some of both evenings when they are together, so OP will either see him late in the evening when he's knackered from working all day and evening, or before he starts work when he will be clock watching to make sure he has enough time to work afterwards.

Juneisjoyful · 09/06/2021 12:25

No rule says you have to sit weeping all week end...
Find a hobby /friends to spend the week end with. He is prioritising his future. Surely that's commendable?

PollyDarton1 · 09/06/2021 12:26

Personally I don't see the problem with this - Medicine is a ruthless job, and furthering your career takes a lot of prioritisation and dedication from the offset.

He hasn't said he's not going to see you, rather than for the next 3 months it could be less. It's not unusual for medical types to 'compartmentalise' and not want distractions, and I'm the same - if I'm working on something, I want minimal distractions (I'm a writer). Also it's worth factoring in that he's a surgeon (I assume, or at the least works long hours) and some of the weekend he may want to just down time.

If I was him, I'd feel a bit suffocated by someone trying to muscle in on something that's very important to further my career.

SarahAndQuack · 09/06/2021 12:32

I agree it sounds like an issue of compatibility rather than either of you being 'wrong'.

For me, the question would be, how often does he envisage having to write a paper, and does it always take him that long? I'm not anything like a medic so may not understand, but I do publish papers and I think he might be being a tiny bit precious here - I don't follow why he can't do bits in the evening or why it'll take all the weekends between now and September. Of course it may be he could do bits in the evening but prefers not, or he could do it faster but wants to be really thorough. That's totally fine - but if that's going to be your life on a regular basis, I'd say you're not compatible. Different if it's a one-off or very infrequent.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/06/2021 12:34

I would be fine with it and support him as much as possible. It is very short term for 3/4 months and for something significant and important. Just a bit shit it is over the summer, but also good it is over the summer so you can make other plans of your own.

Once he gets into it and works out how much work is required he might find he can relax and have a bit more leisure time.

grapewine · 09/06/2021 12:35

I was like this when I had a paper to write, and I'm like this now with deadlines coming up. Minimal distraction.

Whether you can accept it is up to you, but he isn't doing anything wrong.

RubyFakeLips · 09/06/2021 12:36

I don’t think it’s unacceptable, depending on your personality, but I think the more important question is can you accept this on an ongoing basis?

Presumably this won’t be a one off? There will be other papers in the future and other demands of such a career.

My husband is in a similarly competitive and demanding role but not medicine. It’s a lifestyle choice and you need to take that on board if you’re hoping to have a future with him.

toto23 · 09/06/2021 12:38

yabu

justchecking1 · 09/06/2021 12:39

What sort of paper is he writing?! I'm a medic with lots of published research papers and it's never taken me 4 months to write one up! It's usually the research itself that takes the time, but he wouldn't be doing that on a weekend.

He is clearly putting this work ahead of his relationship. I would think he's unlikely to be working solidly for a whole weekend for the next several months so is either incredibly undisciplined and chaotic in his approach, or happy to fill the downtime with something that isn't you.

I would give him a couple of weekends to realise the reality of how much he's actually going to get done, and see if he changes his mind.

legotruck · 09/06/2021 12:40

My question is, do you think it’s strange or unreasonable for him to take this approach? To write off whole weekends essentially?

It's probably more normal than not tbh. I know when I am working towards something for uni I need the days free to fully focus. For instance if I take the weekend for study I couldn't arrange to do something on one of the evenings because that puts pressure on me for the whole day. It's not a slight against you, probably just a technique he needs to be able to keep his stress levels minimal.

yikesanotherbooboo · 09/06/2021 12:41

I too think this is alright.
He is in a demanding career which will always mean on call, unexpected changes to plans , courses, teaching, planning , learning etc. He needs to be dedicated. If it isn't for you, that is fine , at least you know early on.

wakeandfake · 09/06/2021 12:41

I don't see the issue, it's a short term thing and actually I think it's far better that he's thinking ahead and letting you know it's going to be a tough time rather than making plans and letting you down or his attention being elsewhere all the time.

Any adult who prioritises a new relationship over studies is an idiot.

Equally, if you decide you can't accept what he can offer for the next while then you end it. That's ok too.

TotorosCatBus · 09/06/2021 12:43

I think neither of you are wrong. Yanbu to feel like you want to see him more even if it's just to eat and he is nbu to say that you can't come round because it will break his concentration and work flow. Some people can have a break and get back into the work but others can't.

My dd did get A-levels this summer and her Dad would come round just to take her out to lunch but she'd decline as she can't just stop for an hour or so then get back into revision. He offered to come at another time but she could g commit to a fixed time when she'd feel done.

How often does he have to write papers? If this is a rare occurrence I'd suck it up and pretend you were long distance for this'd 3 months but if not it might be a deal breaker.

Original poster

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 12:43

Wow thanks for the replies. To answer some questions, he’s not young, he’s 39. He said he wants quality time with me so wouldn’t want me just cooking, eating then going to bed. I said I don’t care I just want to see him regularly.

Guess I do what you suggest then and be supportive in the way he wants. Thanks for replies!

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 09/06/2021 12:45

It sounds fine to me. He has something to do. He doesn't know how long it will take and will get together with you when it is finished.
Give him space so you don't push him away.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/06/2021 12:45

I don’t see the problem with this as it is at most just for one summer. It doesn’t sound unreasonable that he wants to spend his weekends doing a paper- guessing it is for publication? When I went back to university to get an MBA I had a DH and 4 DCs and that was two years of me having evening classes and then being gone all day every Saturday. It’s not a joke when they say that you and your partner both make sacrifices to help your career.
It’s a bit naive to think that you can be with someone long term and never have to sacrifice anything to their career ever. This is just one summer and not a big deal in grand scheme of things as you’ll have many more summers together.

AGirlsGotToDo · 09/06/2021 12:46

Someone posted something similar to this recently and it turns out he just wasn't into her/having a relationship anymore.

If he can't have a relationship and do his work, then its not going to work. 6 months in and things should still be exciting. He doesn't sound excited.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 12:46

This would have bothered me if I didn't have a really full life already. Personally I'd not be considering someone a 'DP' this early on and would wonder about a future with a person who has compartmentalise to such extreme.

AmberIsACertainty · 09/06/2021 12:49

The thing is it's coincidence this has happened early in your relationship. It's not something he's chosen to do right now, he was on this path long before he met you. He'd be daft to risk throwing away his career for a relationship of 8 months.

But you feel how you feel, so if you're not happy with it maybe he's not the one for you. You could date other people as well during this period as well as him or take a break from this relationship altogether and see others? Then see how you feel about him later. But near in mind he might not be happy about any of this and you could lose him forever.

I expect he needs downtime when he's not working shifts or writing the paper. If he sees you his downtime then when does he get a mental break from everything?

Would you prefer though to be with someone who has a more ordinary job with a "work to live" mentality, instead of a "live to work" vocation, who prioritises the relationship over their job?

Viviennemary · 09/06/2021 12:51

I think its a question of needs must. You either have to accept his job is very demanding or call it a day. Its not a question of who is right or wrong. I admit though I wouldn't be happy either.

Original poster

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 12:53

To be clear it’s the fact he’s got to eat, I’ve offered to cook, and he’s hesitant about it.

I feel stressed as I’m 34 so want to know the relationship is progressing. In other ways it is so maybe I’m being silly here. He’s definitely made effort generally.

OP posts:

TheTuesdayPringle · 09/06/2021 12:59

I guess you just need to decide whether you want to spend your life with a very slow writer or whether you'd prefer to call it quits and find someone a bit more efficient. (does he know that Ritalin will help him get motivated?)

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