Would you accept this at 6 months in?

[AmeliaCanDo]

DP and I have been exclusive for last 6 months, known him around 8 months. He works in surgery and has always been very busy, though we’ve seen each other weekly, 2 or 3 nights a week. He comes to me and vice versa. In most ways he’s a perfect gentleman. He is caring and loving and we get on very well.

He’s due to write a paper by end of September. He now wants his weekends exclusively dedicated to that as he feels the deadline is now getting too close if he doesn’t start soon. I get it. He can’t really do it in the week as he’s on shifts. I get that too.
But what I don’t get is literally writing off a full weekend of seeing each other?! He initially said we could get dinner sat eve but then first thing Sunday he’d be back to the paper. I said that was fine but would be nice to stay Sunday eve and said I’d meet friends on Sunday then come back Sunday eve for dinner and stay over before work on Monday. He didn’t like this idea, said he needed the entire weekend on the paper and even dinner sat night was pushing it. I’ve asked how many weeks he foresees this and he says he doesn’t know as it depends how it goes

We’ve since arranged that we will meet Sunday eve and have sun and mon night together which is fine though obviously work in between and he will probably work some of both evenings. I can put up with this and accept it - I also have a very heavy job and work most days.

My question is, do you think it’s strange or unreasonable for him to take this approach? To write off whole weekends essentially? There’s no way he’s seeing anyone else. I’ve no reason to doubt him but it seems so excessive not to at least have a quick dinner (I even said I would cook alone so he could carry on working and just have quick chat when eating). He’s known for being quite obsessional with things, compartmentalises a lot. I just feel a bit shit about it. Unfair of me? Would you be ok with it?

He's not giving this nearly as much thought as you are.

My dad was a surgeon. He and my mother were happily married for many years before his death. But she is a very, very independent person and extremely organised and always very much her own person.

Careers like this are a lot like military or where the person has to work away, the spouse needs to be a super independent, self-assured, confident, directly communicative and assertive person or she/he's going to be unhappy and increasingly resentful.

But you seem determined to hang onto this.

I don't think he'd unreasonable at all. Not everyone works in the same way but I also find it difficult to pick up /put down work and I prefer to get stuck in for a big chunk of time. I also find it distracting if I know I have something planned / will need to interrupt my work at a set time, which makes it difficult to get 'in the zone'.

If this is a one off price of work with a definite end I would be as supportive as possible. Ask to plan something special for after the paper is in and agree to one quality evening a week.

Bear in mind this won't be a one-off paper. He'll be writing loads more.

What if he was working away each weekend and could only see you during the week?

it's the same thing to me.
I'd not even think about his plan as strange or unusual.
these things happen.
DH had to work away from home (left Sunday night or Monday morning, back Thu night) for 5 months once.
we had 2 small kids and I was pg too.
I hated it but what could we do?

it's life. be pragmatic about it. if you stay together despite this "restriction" then great.
if you don't you were never meant to be

It sounds like the OP would be better suited with someone less ambitious.

I would, yes.
If he needs to work he needs to work. I'd go do my own stuff and catch up when we were both free.

@choli

It sounds like the OP would be better suited with someone less ambitious.

Not all, but one with who's got a more regular schedule and who needs the same level of companionship she does.

I don't think it's a big ask.
He sounds great and worth some investment in.
Perhaps you could drop a meal off to him every so often, just to let him know he's secure in the relationship and can focus on his studying.
Either you see a possible future with him or you don't and I certainly wouldn't use this to assess the relationship as a whole.

All of every weekend for nearly four months sounds excessive- more like a book than a paper- but I’d be more concerned that it’s probably just his normal work pattern rather than an exception. And, to be blunt, you are exactly the wrong age to hang around for three years finding out that he’s never going to give you the time and energy you want from the relationship. If you were ten years older or younger it wouldn’t matter so much. Unless it genuinely suits your existing life and priorities to sign up for a long term but relatively distant and casual relationship, I’d get out now. It’ll get harder to make the decision the longer you stay.