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Original poster

Would you accept this at 6 months in?

59 replies

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 12:15

DP and I have been exclusive for last 6 months, known him around 8 months. He works in surgery and has always been very busy, though we’ve seen each other weekly, 2 or 3 nights a week. He comes to me and vice versa. In most ways he’s a perfect gentleman. He is caring and loving and we get on very well.

He’s due to write a paper by end of September. He now wants his weekends exclusively dedicated to that as he feels the deadline is now getting too close if he doesn’t start soon. I get it. He can’t really do it in the week as he’s on shifts. I get that too.
But what I don’t get is literally writing off a full weekend of seeing each other?! He initially said we could get dinner sat eve but then first thing Sunday he’d be back to the paper. I said that was fine but would be nice to stay Sunday eve and said I’d meet friends on Sunday then come back Sunday eve for dinner and stay over before work on Monday. He didn’t like this idea, said he needed the entire weekend on the paper and even dinner sat night was pushing it. I’ve asked how many weeks he foresees this and he says he doesn’t know as it depends how it goes

We’ve since arranged that we will meet Sunday eve and have sun and mon night together which is fine though obviously work in between and he will probably work some of both evenings. I can put up with this and accept it - I also have a very heavy job and work most days.

My question is, do you think it’s strange or unreasonable for him to take this approach? To write off whole weekends essentially? There’s no way he’s seeing anyone else. I’ve no reason to doubt him but it seems so excessive not to at least have a quick dinner (I even said I would cook alone so he could carry on working and just have quick chat when eating). He’s known for being quite obsessional with things, compartmentalises a lot. I just feel a bit shit about it. Unfair of me? Would you be ok with it?

OP posts:

Original poster

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 13:03

Maybe I should carry on dating and just distance myself a bit from him. I’m in love with the man though.

OP posts:

PacifyLulu · 09/06/2021 13:05

OP I think it’s rather commendable that he feels a bit uncomfortable with you coming round to cook for him and then just have a 10 min chat before he disappears again. I think it possibly comes across as a bit desperate for the 10 mins you’ll get with him. I wouldn’t offer that because I’d have better options for my whole evening.

I think he also knows that he’d likely end up spending more time with you once you’re there and he’s being disciplined.

I think yabu and you should be less focussed on needing to shoehorn time with him into the evening even when it doesn’t really work for either of you.

PacifyLulu · 09/06/2021 13:05

Sorry, cross posted. Have you asked him if he sees a future with you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 13:07

@AmeliaCanDo

To be clear it’s the fact he’s got to eat, I’ve offered to cook, and he’s hesitant about it.

I feel stressed as I’m 34 so want to know the relationship is progressing. In other ways it is so maybe I’m being silly here. He’s definitely made effort generally.

Gawd, you offered to cook? Stop doing the Pick Me dance. His job is a priority. There's nothing at all wrong with it. But if you're looking towards the long-term then this is what you're going to get. You've already loaded the relationship as a 'partnership' when he's still back at boyfriend/girlfriend level - again, this is fine. It sounds like you're looking for someone who wants to move towards a serious live-in relationship with kids and this guy might be a while in that department.

If that's what you want, you need to move on from this man. I would not want to have children with a person who was like this every time there's an important deadline.

Find someone who's more into you rather than hanging round doing the Pick Me dance.

Original poster

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 13:08

@PacifyLulu yes you’re totally right. I can be needy like this at times even though I have loads of friends - just arranged to meet then over the weekend

He said exactly what you’d said that it didn’t feel fair. Hopefully I can see him Sunday eve when he’s had the whole weekend to work and he will be more relaxed and I will have had space too to remember I have a life of my own

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 13:09

I think you need a relationship with someone you're more compatible with.

legotruck · 09/06/2021 13:09

To be clear it’s the fact he’s got to eat, I’ve offered to cook, and he’s hesitant about it.

Because he does not want to commit his time to anything but his workload. That's fine.

Polkadots2021 · 09/06/2021 13:13

39 is so young in terms of where his career can go. I ended a relationship once because the guy turned up unannounced one Saturday night when I said I'd needed the weekend to work on a paper (not medicine but it was very important that I got it done). It's who he is so please don't get in the way. I think you are being VVVU but only because I am made like your boyfriend and all I see is someone who is getting in the way of something so positive that he's also worked so many years to accomplish.

You're not in any way wrong to feel how you do and I am not criticising you at all, but if you're going to be this hurt at this stage, God only knows how bad it'll get if you are.more serious/there are kids in the picture. Being a surgeon is one of the most full on jobs that actually exists and you knew when you met him that this is who he is, so I think it's a case.of being ready to accept him as a package or find someone else who has more time.

I think with his career, also, it'd not even just about the hours he has to work and study, it's the intense concentration. In most of our jobs people aren't going to die if we only have our last piece of work 85 instead of 100% concentration but the reality for him is that this could actually happen. In this scenario I'm sure the grieving family would prefer that he'd have spent all his time focused rather than carving out regular time for his new girlfriend so she didn't feel neglected.

Maybe tje best compromise is to just find cool stuff to do when he's doing work related stuff, and not take it personally?. Or if you can't do that (and there's no judgement from me if you can't, as it's a big ask of a partner), then it's best to move on.

2bazookas · 09/06/2021 13:13

His entire future career as a surgeon is going to be like this. There will be times when he is totally focussed on exams or presentations or life and death issues at work, times he's exhausted beyond explaining and unable to switch off, and many many times when he's called out and drops everything (with you) for a patient.

  His surgical  career will interrupt and  will get in the way of your relationship. of your social life,  of family life with his children and relatives.   Understand that now.  This is just the start of what a longterm  future together would mean. 

  If that's never going to work for you, then enjoy this relationship for what it is and  "as long as it lasts" and  part kindly when it ends.

PacifyLulu · 09/06/2021 13:14

That sounds like a more sensible approach OP. I work long hours and study too and I know it’s hard for my DH but we’ve been together for 10 years and are married.
That said, being disciplined about work doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather be spending time with him, but I have a goal and I’m determined to get there.

Original poster

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 13:16

I think I can handle it, I don’t care about social events etc I just want some regularity of seeing him even if just overnight. I will back off a little though and trust he does care in the way he has expressed.

OP posts:

SkepticalCat · 09/06/2021 13:17

I can see where you're coming from, but I can also see his point of view.

Re: his needing to eat and him being hesitant about you doing the cooking - if that was me, I know that my concentration would go if I had someone else there, for example the meal being ready just when I'm formulating an idea or getting into the flow of writing. What would happen then? Interupt the studying or wait until later (thus possibly spoiling the food?)

I know that when I was younger, any potential distractions from studying would be so tempting, so having my partner in the house would have most likely drawn me away from my studies.

As others have said, neither of you are right or wrong. It's all about your priorities and whether this makes you compatible.

burnoutbabe · 09/06/2021 13:24

Can you not see him Friday night? A mental rest between finishing work for the week and before beginning the weekend of study?

He probably does not need ever weekend solidly to do this, just a clear month way to make a good crack on it. Then it's more editing etc which takes less time.

All seems reasonable to me.

AmberIsACertainty · 09/06/2021 13:40

@AmeliaCanDo

Maybe I should carry on dating and just distance myself a bit from him. I’m in love with the man though.

Or are you in love with who you wish he was? Because you don't seem overly happy with the reality of who he is.

It's not healthy that you're doing the Pick Me dance as another poster put it, competing with his job for his affections. We should be with people who bring out the best in us. However if you feel this is an aspect of yourself you'd like to change (for yourself, not for him) then maybe it could work out.

FWIW I agree you're behaving "desperate" and it's because you're not getting what you need, but I don't think what you need is too much (just more than he can give right now), although if your friends have referred to you as "needy" maybe they know something we don't.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/06/2021 13:43

I know when I’m working on writing a paper I need a good run of uninterrupted time - it wouldn’t be unusual for me, pre kids, to lock myself away for the weekend simply because I need to focus and not have my train of thought interrupted. I might eat or take a break for an hour but wouldn’t be up for seeing people because my head would be in what I was doing. I might work quite late into the night writing up, I’d certainly not be great company. I’ve never been someone who could pick up and put down written work - my mind just doesn’t work like that.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, he needs the time and it’s a new relationship so yes, I’d give him the time he needs.

MoawMoaw · 09/06/2021 14:07

I don't think either of you are wrong. I guess in your shoes I'd want to know whether this was a one-off, or whether this will be how his work life is until he retires. If a one-off, just get through it and support him. If it's the case that it is often going to be like this, then that's what he's offering you in terms of commitment, and it's up to you whether you accept that or walk away if he doesn't want to change his approach/career balance.

Think about whether you'll be okay with this balance in ten years? What about with young children (if you want them)? What about if you have an illness and need more support? I think it would be a good idea to talk to him soon about how he sees his future work/life balance, and decide if that works for you. If not, leave sooner rather than later.

Hope you can work it out!

Original poster

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 14:20

I said don’t worry about sat eve going out for dinner as it will interrupt your work, and then suggested I come over Sunday eve when he’s got stuff done and work from his place Monday then see each other after work. He said that sounds like it could work and he would check later and confirm.

Should I go back and say it doesn’t matter if he can’t etc or just leave it at that?

I’m in two minds now after reading all your posts! Kind of want to say let’s leave it completely and I understand and see you soon! But obviously want to see him too...

OP posts:

Booboobadoo · 09/06/2021 14:30

This sounds like it might be broader than the next few months. You mentioned your age, are you thinking of marriage/children? If you are, I would think about how this might work and if you're afraid to ask/already worrying about how much time he will have to dedicate to you/a family. It does indeed sound like he has a big important job , but doesn't mean your wants and needs shouldn't be considered as much as his

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/06/2021 15:12

Look, I'm sorry, but you sound desperate to be with this guy and in love with what he is rather than who he is. If you want marriage and kids you're wasting your time because from the sounds of it you're fundamentally incompatible, he's never going to satisfy your needs as you admit you're a needy person, nothing at all wrong with that, and that's not who he is.

At your age you don't have time to waste here if you do want kids. He's still at boyfriend/girlfriend stage and you've already designated him the loaded partner term.

Here's what happens when someone's really into you and you're both single and childfree: he makes serious steps towards your shared goals. When you know, you know.

amusedbush · 09/06/2021 15:27

This relationship can work but you have to decide if you are willing to accept his commitment to a brutal career. Yes, this is just a couple of months for a paper but there will be another paper, and another.

My DH loves his job but he leaves it at work and doesn't have to think about it after clocking out. I am a second year PhD student and I have barely seen him for two weeks because I'm on a deadline and I've been working on my thesis round the clock. DH understands that this is how it will be until 2023, and if I miraculously get a job in academia there will be research papers, grant proposals, conference presentations, teaching, marking and a schedule with very few points available for annual leave.

He accepts this because I'm doing something I love, which I've been working my arse off to get for years. You're either okay with your BF's work-life balance or you're not - only you can decide.

FuckyouCovid21 · 09/06/2021 15:30

Feeling a bit sorry for the bloke actually, he's done nothing wrong. He's got something important to finish yet he's still making some time for you over the weekend.

So on that basis YABU

grapewine · 09/06/2021 15:32

He has said he'll confirm. Just wait.

Original poster

AmeliaCanDo · 09/06/2021 15:39

I’ve replied now and just said yes have a think if it would work and let me know. Then responded to a separate thing he had mentioned/an in joke.

Guess I need to be an adult here if he does reply and said no to the suggestion.

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 09/06/2021 15:42

He's probably super stressed about getting it done and he may relax afterwards when he's made a good start. Personally I'd be off and do my own thing for a bit and let him get on with it.

FAQs · 09/06/2021 15:42

I think that sounds a perfect compromise, you see each other and he can work to his papers and have some downtime/head space to plan his work.

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