Is an apology asking too much?

[ImaHogg]

My 13 year old dd has had some issues on the school bus. Some lads from our village have thrown water over her and thrown things at her whilst she is travelling home.
She didn’t want me to say anything to the school as she was scared but the second time she came home with soaking wet hair I said enough was enough and reported it to the year head, she promised me something would be done about it but obviously not because the Friday before half term my dd came home in pieces. She had been travelling on the bus, minding her own business when a lad in her year came from behind her and rubbed an insole over her face, a few seconds later he came back and did the same thing with a sandwich, dropped it on the floor, picked it up and rubbed it over her face again. At the same time someone threw a yogurt over her. All the time the others, probably around 10+ of them and from years 8-11 were all laughing and jeering at her (most were male). She was in such a mess and very distraught.
As you can imagine I was furious. She didn’t want me to do anything about it but I phoned the head, who had left for the half term already (it was 3.30!) The year head had also left but I sent an email, she got back to say she would pass it onto the deputy head and he would deal with it after half term.
I have just heard from him. They have taken statements from various pupils from the bus and as a result they have narrowed it down to 4 pupils from years 8-10.
I asked what sanctions have been given, he said firstly a ban from the bus, I asked how long but he said he wouldn’t tell me as that wasn’t information I needed to know about! (ds in year 10 has found out it’s just a week) I will have to take my dd to school and back for 2 weeks until I can get her on another bus as she is afraid to get back on the original one. Personally, I would have liked longer than a week as punishment. The main perpetrator also has to take a behaviour course and the others have just been given a telling off.
I said I would like the one who physically assaulted dd to apologise to her, I was told that this wouldn’t be happening because they can not make a student apologise to another!!
However the school chooses to view it these boys assaulted my child, she is now too scared to get back on the bus, all these boys come from our village and she is more than likely to come across them when she goes out. Several already walked past her yesterday at school and whispered ‘snitch’.
Is it too much to ask for an apology?
If either of my D.C. had done this I would be frogmarching them to the victims house and make them say sorry to their face or a letter at the very least. But it looks like this won’t be happening with this boy, the parents know who we are and where we live. If I were them I would be so deeply ashamed at the young man I was raising.

I would be absolutely livid at the schools response @ImaHogg,your poor DD. I would report to the police too. If you reported to the bus company immediately and they allowed the CCTV footage to be destroyed surely that's something to report in itself- what the hell is it's purpose if not for things like this. An apology sounds like an absolute minimum, the school might not be able to make one person apologise to another but they can engineer it so that's the best option for those in the wrong. Unfortunately in my experience no single incident ever gets the full attention a parent would want- investigations seem to take place as quickly as possible to reach a conclusion. I appreciate that the staff are stretched dealing with any number of issues at any one time but feeling like a thorough job has been done is part of the process to moving on otherwise rather than being part of the solution, the schools handling of an incident is just another part of the problem.

I too would be livid, and would be reminding the school and bus company of their duty of care to my daughter. I’d want the school to involve the police and would be demanding to know why this hasn’t happened already, and I’d be calling them myself.

It’s utterly ridiculous that a young girl faces assault daily going to and from school.

@Deadleaf29

I’d have involved the police- that’s not just a school issue, it’s repeated physical assault.

I’d also make an official complaint, following your school complaint procedure. I’d have expected a permanent/at least the rest of term ban from the bus - my school banned for an awful lot less.

This - rubbing a sandwich in someone’s face is physical assault, if the school had come down like a ton of bricks I might have let them deal with it. They haven’t so I would make a formal complaint to the school, let them know you will be pressing assault charges and crack on with doing that.

The boys clearly don’t give a shit but that may partly be because there is no punishment and they know the school doesn’t care either.

I understand your DD doesn’t want to make a fuss, but you are the adult, and this is assault. Also realistically at this stage not taking action is likely to make it worse not better, as right now those boys can smell blood.

Hopefully one of the anti-bullying charities can offer advice on how to build your daughter’s confidence.

I’d also quietly look into other schools, just in case that should start to seem like a good idea.

Last night I emailed the deputy head explaining that I am not happy with the level of sanctions the boys have been given. I will give him a chance to come back to me but if they are adamant that it is adequate punishment then I will report this to the police and contact the board of governors.

@Imahogg the school behaviour policy will explain exactly how the school should deal with this issue.

(I don't think you will get the bus ban extended as it has already been issued. But I am surprised that restorative justice doesn't form a part of the behaviour policy.)

Mumdiva99 thank you, I will take a look at that now and check it over.

This is absolutely disgusting. And the fact they actually had cctv that would have been really useful and aren't looking at it? Can they check it from now on?

I am so annoyed with the bus company. This is a copy (sorry it’s a very scruffily marked up version) of the email they sent me 4 days after the incident, confirming that they had the cctv and were looking into it. Now they tell the school it’s no longer available. Either that or the school hasn’t even bothered to ask for it and are palming me off?

Surely the school has a bullying policy that they need to adhere to?

She is being systematically targeted by a gang of young males. The 'snitch' comments are part of this. She is being bullied to the point where she does not want to take her usual transport to school, and it is spilling into her school life. Not acceptable.

Personally I would stop talking about sanctions for the boys and start talking about how the school is going to keep your DD safe. I would use phrases like

• bullying
• targeted assault
• afraid to go on the bus
• affecting school life
• physical assault
• safeguarding your DD

Hope your DD is ok. Just awful for her.

BrioLover definitely, I will raise that with them today, thank you. All that the deputy head kept saying when I mentioned others were calling her a snitch etc was that if anyone says anything to her or does anything further he asked me to encourage dd to report it to a member of staff. When I think about it there was no mention of how they were going to keep her safe or what strategies were being put in place for this.

@ImaHogg it's just occurred to me that the school might be treating this as an isolated incident - which it obviously isn't! So might also be a good idea to get some dates down in an email when she's returned from school upset/with wet hair etc. So it's in writing that it's not 'just' once.

Really hope they start stepping up for your DD

Oh OP, this is horrible and I’d be utterly livid and it is nowhere near a good enough response from the school.

Is the school a private school by any chance? The reason I ask, I went to a private school and your poor dd’s experience is very similar to my own, my parents reported to the school and they also did nothing, I think that was largely it due to the school being a private school.

If you feel like this isn’t being taking seriously enough, I’d take it to the governors and even report to ofsted xx

Bloody hell I'm livid on your behalf OP, your poor DD. If this happens again I'd go to the police. She's been assaulted repeatedly. I would make a massive issue of this at school until I felt my DD was properly protected. I can't believe this has been allowed to happen repeatedly.

I’d report this to the police too. By not doing so you’re telling your daughter it’s ok to be scared and hide abuse.

I’d not even wait for a response. I’d call the police and I’d email and say I’ve reported it.

The school will act then, I assure you.

Utter twats. I thought schools had learned better than this

In terms of the apology I think it would be pointless as the little shits who did this clearly feel absolutely no remorse and would just give a sneery fake 'sorry' that would do nothng for DD. I would be focusing on how your DD will be kept safe and how the school is going to rid itself of the appauling bullying culture they've allowed to develop.

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

In terms of the apology I think it would be pointless as the little shits who did this clearly feel absolutely no remorse and would just give a sneery fake 'sorry' that would do nothng for DD. I would be focusing on how your DD will be kept safe and how the school is going to rid itself of the appauling bullying culture they've allowed to develop.

Agree, an apology is pointless

Ans unless you get the police involved and give these bullies a real fright then she’s going to be continued to be subjected to snide remarks, looks and ostracism.

Call the police. She was assaulted.

If the bus service is funded by the LA I would put in a complaint to them.

I would set our the facts along with the inadequate response from school and the bus company.

Ask for a taxi cos your daughter whilst they investigate.
Suggest the route has an escort for the next academic year

I would stress that due to the serious and urgent nature of your complaint the usual response policy should not be applicable (LAs usually have a 10 or 20 working day response policy)

Try and find the directors emails who is responsible for transport, as well as the CEO and the director of Children's services.

I'd also cc I your local councillors

I’ve not had a reply from either the deputy head or the bus company, seems that no one is taking this too seriously.
I am not blowing this out of proportion am I? I am starting to doubt myself because dh doesn’t want to know, he says I am getting too hot headed in my old age, my dad thinks it’s just kids messing about but he’s 80 and old school so I expect that kind of response from him but dh is another thing, I’m am pissed off with his laid back attitude towards it, it’s his dd ffs! But even my best friend was a bit ‘meh’ when I told her. Her dd is 23 and she said when she was 17 and at sixth form a group of boys regularly taunted her, told her continuously that she was fat and ugly and threw bottles of water at her head. I asked my friend what she did about it and she said nothing, they eventually got bored and stopped,. Her dd has no confidence in her looks even though she is beautiful and has had a string of partners who have treated her like shit! How do we move on from this attitude in society and get kids to understand the seriousness of their actions if we just see it as the norm and turn a blind eye. I refuse to turn a blind eye but feel dejected that I’m being looked upon as being an annoying parent.
If I don’t hear by this afternoon from either the bus company or school I will have to log it with the police but I feel apprehensive that they won’t take it seriously as it’s a school issue.

If they won't take is seriously just go to the police.
I cannot see anything they have done to actually make your dd safer on her bus rides.
They already have punishments set up for the perpetrators if it happens again.

I’ve just reported it to the police. I will see what they say/suggest.

@Motnight

Threaten the school with police involvement. And then follow through.

Your poor dd.

If the students are particularly unpleasant the school may well come police involvement.

Your poor dd. That is absolutely disgusting and I'm appalled at how others like the school and your family are treating this! Why should she have to live in fear each day until the lads get 'bored' and move on to another victim. Well done for calling the police.

I think your doing the right thing reporting it

Tell the school you're going to inform the police. They're above the age of criminal responsibility and their actions constitute a crime, they don't get to get away with this because they're young or because your daughter is a fellow pupil. It's the same was as if they were doing it on a normal bus to a member of the general public.

I’ve just spoken to my Dh. He is appalled at your Dh and grand parents attitude. He would have been racing me for the phone to report it.
No wonder your friend dd has zero self confidence.
Good for you going to the police. If they don’t act go to your MP.