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Is an apology asking too much?

100 replies

ImaHogg · 08/06/2021 14:01

My 13 year old dd has had some issues on the school bus. Some lads from our village have thrown water over her and thrown things at her whilst she is travelling home.
She didn’t want me to say anything to the school as she was scared but the second time she came home with soaking wet hair I said enough was enough and reported it to the year head, she promised me something would be done about it but obviously not because the Friday before half term my dd came home in pieces. She had been travelling on the bus, minding her own business when a lad in her year came from behind her and rubbed an insole over her face, a few seconds later he came back and did the same thing with a sandwich, dropped it on the floor, picked it up and rubbed it over her face again. At the same time someone threw a yogurt over her. All the time the others, probably around 10+ of them and from years 8-11 were all laughing and jeering at her (most were male). She was in such a mess and very distraught.
As you can imagine I was furious. She didn’t want me to do anything about it but I phoned the head, who had left for the half term already (it was 3.30!) The year head had also left but I sent an email, she got back to say she would pass it onto the deputy head and he would deal with it after half term.
I have just heard from him. They have taken statements from various pupils from the bus and as a result they have narrowed it down to 4 pupils from years 8-10.
I asked what sanctions have been given, he said firstly a ban from the bus, I asked how long but he said he wouldn’t tell me as that wasn’t information I needed to know about! (ds in year 10 has found out it’s just a week) I will have to take my dd to school and back for 2 weeks until I can get her on another bus as she is afraid to get back on the original one. Personally, I would have liked longer than a week as punishment. The main perpetrator also has to take a behaviour course and the others have just been given a telling off.
I said I would like the one who physically assaulted dd to apologise to her, I was told that this wouldn’t be happening because they can not make a student apologise to another!!
However the school chooses to view it these boys assaulted my child, she is now too scared to get back on the bus, all these boys come from our village and she is more than likely to come across them when she goes out. Several already walked past her yesterday at school and whispered ‘snitch’.
Is it too much to ask for an apology?
If either of my D.C. had done this I would be frogmarching them to the victims house and make them say sorry to their face or a letter at the very least. But it looks like this won’t be happening with this boy, the parents know who we are and where we live. If I were them I would be so deeply ashamed at the young man I was raising.

OP posts:
mygee · 08/06/2021 16:25

I definitely wouldn't be happy with the way the school is dealing with this. I think the bullies should be banned from the bus for the rest of the term now just one week. One half hour detention?! Not enough. My son has had an hour after school detention for talking twice in one lesson!

I think you should now follow their complaints policy because they haven't taken steps to safeguard your daughter.

ImaHogg · 08/06/2021 16:44

mygee I am going to push for a longer bus ban.

OP posts:
something2say · 08/06/2021 16:50

Would safeguarding cover this? I'm HORRIFIED by what's happened to your little girl. Dreadful behaviour. And the consequences are pathetic.

DinaofCloud9 · 08/06/2021 16:57

Appalling. Can your DS get the bus with her in future?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/06/2021 17:04

Depending on how helpful tge bus company is, would they be willing to ban these bullies?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/06/2021 17:04

*the

mamakoukla · 08/06/2021 17:08

Dreadful and so sorry for you both. Keep on fighting this until you get the responses you need. It’s showing your daughter that this isn’t okay and lame measures aren’t enough, and you are there to help her. Much strength to you both

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/06/2021 17:10

There will also be a dept in the council who deal with school passes/buses, public or purely school contract buses (ours is called the public transport unit). They are behaviour policies in place for students qualifying for school passes. It is possible to get them banned longer term due to behaviour. A police report would help this.

mamakoukla · 08/06/2021 17:14

And to answer your thread title - no, an apology is not enough. I’d agree with off the bus till the end of the school year. In your daughter’s situation I’d be a bit fearful of that bus. It needs to feel safe again

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 08/06/2021 17:29

Have you got it in writing that he’s said they’ll be excluded if it happens again?

ImaHogg · 08/06/2021 17:45

I’ll keep pushing for a longer bus ban.
Mydarlingmyhamburger the school won’t tell me much at all, very cagey.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 08/06/2021 18:00

This is just dreadful. I'm adding to the chorus of definitely call the police and report as assault. It sounded horrendous and now the veiled 'snitch' threats? Terrible. Then also call the governor's. I'm so outraged for you. My son ran in the house quicker than anyone today so he could get a glass of water for his friend because she said she was too hot. That's how it should be. There's no excuse for such disgusting behaviour from the boys in your village and they need a big wake up call.

monkeymonday · 08/06/2021 21:43

Please involve the police or the was ten to do so.
I work in a secondary school & have teenage children.
Tell the school that you want the perpetrators banned from school for a day, for their behaviour and you would like a group meeting with their parents. To see how their parents will deal with this.
I would also be looking for another school for my child, if this happened to me. But I know that’s not east st all....

monkeymonday · 08/06/2021 21:44

*threaten to do so

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 08/06/2021 21:49

You really do need to go to the police. This is one of those times when you as the adult need to just tell your dd that’s what’s happening.

I’m so sorry x

Footloosefancyfree · 08/06/2021 21:52

What's her older brother like if that had been me he would have went directly to the lads involved. Could he not go on the bus with her?

Melitza · 08/06/2021 21:59

There's a strong possibility the parents don't know.
A friend's dd was badly bullied and the school didn't tell the parents because the bullies were grade A students.
Ime teachers are hopeless at dealing with these issues.
I would at least chat to the police.

Bargebill19 · 08/06/2021 22:04

Your dd is a child, not the adult in this, whilst it is nice to take her feelings into account, it is your call as to what you actually do. Report it to the police would be my advice.
You aren’t going to get an apology, if they had been parented properly in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened and definitely not the revenge bullying. The litter shits have already demonstrated they aren’t sorry for hey got caught and are escalating things themselves.

BluebirdHill · 08/06/2021 22:09

Agree, go to the police and governors. A single detention is ridiculous. A pupil at my DS's school got that today for messing about on their phone in a lesson! It's not adequate as a consequence of a physical assault.

ilovethecold · 08/06/2021 22:17

I too would go to the police

Amore2 · 08/06/2021 23:00

I too would be livid and so upset for DD. Completely unacceptable behaviour.
I hope the police take this seriously and think they will especially in current climate of the so called rape culture and poor attitudes to girls (and sometimes even female staff in some schools, i think). But what does anyone think the police will do if there is no CCTV evidence? Will they take witness statements from everyone who was on the bus? Do they have enough resources for this?
Not trying to denigrate or lessen the awful experience and it should be classed as harrassment/assault but i would be interested to know how the police will handle this.

Hope it gets resolved in a more effective way, op, and your daughter sees some proper sanctions on the boys who did it.

Amore2 · 08/06/2021 23:05

Definitely agree they should be off the bus until the end of the school year. After the phone call, have you already tried putting your concerns/ stating your case in writing to the deputy head/head? That can make it more formal and there is also a paper trail rather than all by phone call.

Enough4me · 08/06/2021 23:06

I agree with previous posters, take this further as your DD is an embarrassed child, but the perpetrators need to see she has an adult fighting her corner.

callingon · 08/06/2021 23:19

I have worked in a school where I felt that incidents should have been reported to the police and weren’t, and in this case I would definitely be making a massive fuss about this including reporting to the police of needs be.

Sssloou · 08/06/2021 23:27

The school have failed her.

This was a relentless, humiliating, physical and emotional assault on a young girl by a gang of males.

She needs to know that this is outrageous, unacceptable and potentially criminal. She needs to know that when the authorities let you down (the school) you escalate it.

If she is expected to shut up and put up with this what else does this train her to tolerate.

She has been silenced by fear of retaliation by the perpetrators - that is her only reluctance - she is safer if the system comes down much harder on these boys.

These boys also need to know that their behaviour is outrageous.

I am sorry that your DD has endured this.

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