Do your parents/PIL childproof for grandchildren coming to stay?

[Jellybabiesforbreakfast]

Just curious about this as my friend and I have had very different experiences with taking children to stay with grandparents. I know there's no right or wrong answer. We were chatting about this the other day and I'd be interested to know what people think.

My parents have always had a stairgate over the bottom and top of their stairs (although no longer needed since my DC is now 3) and have a fire-guard. My DF also covered the heavy metal fire surround (which is easily tripped over) with foam in case my DC cracked their head open on it and he removes the wobby solid stone ornaments in the garden from their pedestals in case my DC knocks one onto himself when running around. My DM also puts all breakables out of the way (although DC is probably old enough not to touch now) and, since it became apparent that DC can let themselves out the front door, they've put a bolt at the top of the door that DC can't reach. PIL do slightly less but they still have a removable stairgate for the top of their very steep stairs (carpeted, with a solid stone floor at the bottom) and have taught my DC to go down the stairs on their bottom. Also, DC is practically never alone since DFIL is great at following them about and minding them and has been fantastic since DC was first crawling. If I tell him I want to have a sleep or a shower, he'll happily supervise DC for me while I do that.

My friend visited her parents for a few days over Christmas at parents' request. Parents were very excited about the visit. She has two DC, one just 3 and one 1.5. Both very active. Parents didn't babyproof anything, despite my friend asking if she could have stairgates delivered. They had open fires with no fireguards in the kitchen and living-room. Also a dog-flap they leave open during the day to their garden, which is quite big and on several levels with stone steps everywhere and a greenhouse. Their view is that this is fine because it is the parents' responsibility to supervise their children. My friend was on her own with the two kids (husband working Christmas) and no play-pen or anywhere to put the little one (although she did have a travel buggy she strapped them into when she needed to go to the toilet). PIL have quite a lot of breakables and antiques and my friend didn't have a shower the whole time they were there as she felt she couldn't take her eyes off the children. Her parents are now asking her to bring them to visit again but she really doesn't want to take them since it was so stressful last time, even though her husband could probably come this time. However, the parents live over 6 hours drive away so the only way they can visit is to stay with them (or book an airbnb nearby, which my friend is considering).

Is it ok not to stay with grandparents if they won't childproof or supervise the children at all or do parents just need to suck it up and accept that visits may be stressful but it's their responsibility to supervise their kids?

My parents didn't but I did give them some corner covers for one of their tables.
I wouldn't have an open fire with a toddler...no way

But it is the parents responsibility and if the grandparents don't want to baby proof, that's up to them. But you also don't need to take children there!

But it is the parents responsibility and if the grandparents don't want to baby proof, that's up to them. But you also don't need to take children there!

Well, that's the point! Apparently, her parents are getting very upset that she won't bring them to visit. She says Christmas was so stressful she never wants to stay there ever again and she'd prefer to stay in an airbnb (plenty nearby) and meet them for day trips.

My pil childproof when we go to theirs and help supervise but my mum isn’t very good with it: I have to continually ask her to move things and there have been quite a few times when DD has gone to grab things or made a run for the stairs as her doors don’t close properly. As a result since having my second DC I won’t go to my mums without DH as her house is big and I dread the idea of trying to manage both DC there.
She keeps asking though and doesn’t seem to appreciate its hard work

No my parents never childproofed their home and I didn't expect them too. I or my mum watched ds like a hawk when he was there, took toys with us he would play with and sat on the floor with him. It wasn't a big problem for a few hours or a day or two.

No on both sides of parents and nor would I expect them to. I also don't know any grandparents that have done this either.

They both watched my eldest one day a week while I worked.

My dad and step mum never have... resulting in my toddler opening a cupboard and smashing glasses when my back was turned...,

My mum goes above and beyond with stair gates, baby locks, moving her glass coffee table and thick rug which trips them up. She has kids plates, cups and cutlery and keeps nappies, blankets, bottles and spare clothes at her house for her dgc.

In-laws live in my annexe and with the relatively small space they have they organise it so it's safe gif the kids.

I think grand parents who can't make minor adjustments really don't want to see their dgc that often...

Mine didn’t do much childproofing of most of their house, though the playroom from my childhood is still fairly safe for children and we just congregated in there. But no way would they have refused to watch them while I went to the toilet or had a shower!! It was never a problem for us to visit.

I agree it would be unreasonable to expect grandparents to make major adjustments or ones which require a lot of effort. Fireguards seem to me to be a minimum (or just don't like the fire if there are small children around ). People have different views on stairgates and I can see how the bottom bar on those removable ones can be a pain for older people. Though having a stairgate at the bottom of the stairs meant I could actually sit and have a cup of tea and chat with my mum while my DC played rather than chasing them up and down the stairs, which my friend never managed to do.

Has your friend told her parents why? I mean, they can't have it both ways, (assuming they actually care about their daughter).

Both my parents and in-laws, & kept toys at their houses for their grandchildren.

(My grandma, on the other hand, kept bowls of shiny, sweet-sized pebbles in bowls at toddler height. ).

This isn't about baby proofing, that's fair enough.
The unreasonable thing is the grandparents didn't watch the kids while your friend had a shower. She even had to strap them.into buggies to go to the loo!! That's ridiculous. What assholes!

although she did have a travel buggy she strapped them into when she needed to go to the toilet

This is silly. 2 other capable adults in the house.
They are her parents. Why didn't she ask them to watch the children for 10 minutes so she could shower. If they could only manage one at a time I would've taken one and locked them in the bathroom with me.

No, never. Many grandchildren have visited or been cared for in my parents' home without baby gates, child locks, foam corners or anything else. But no babies or small children were left unsupervised so none of that stuff was necessary.

That said, I wouldn't have open fires without fireguards even without children in the house.

I did when my grandchildren were small, same as I did for my own children. Much less stressful for everyone.

The unreasonable thing is the grandparents didn't watch the kids while your friend had a shower. She even had to strap them.into buggies to go to the loo!! That's ridiculous. What assholes!

I don't think they're intentionally unkind, they're just very set in their ways according to her and think parents should be responsible for their own children. I asked her about just taking the children in with her (which is what I'd do and seems the obvious thing to do) but she says the bathrooms (like the rest of the house) are full of stuff (pot plants, toiletries, medicines, pot pourri bowls, that sort of thing).

I just wouldn’t bother visiting a grandparent who was physically capable but couldn’t be responsible for a grandchild for a few minutes as some sort of weird principle. I’ve got vague acquaintances who’d be more helpful than that, much less family. My kids aren’t there to be viewed like zoo animals or photographed for your friends on instagram to admire what a good granny you are - if you want them to visit you get involved, talk to them, play with them and watch them for five minutes while I go to the toilet!

No, but my MiL is a childminder and my mum works in a nursery, so they pretty much do it as second nature.

They also think children will listen if you say 'no' sternly enough.

My friend's eldest is quite well-behaved for a 3yo but he has his moments and can't be trusted not to touch things. He likes climbing and walking on high walls and you have to tell him specifically not to do things (but he'll mostly listen when you do, unless he's in a naughty mood). Obviously the younger one is into everything and has limited reasoning power.

We've only had a mobile grandchild visit once (due to distance and then Covid). He supervised closely and moved things we didn't want breaking. If needed we'd get a stair gate.

Parents, yes. They still had a stairgate and would make sure any ornaments etc were out of the way.
PIL no. I did buy a fold up stairgate to put on the dc's door (which if they walked straight out of had less than 2 yds before they'd fall straight down the stairs, and this apparently was fussy. They also objected to me asking if they minded if we moved the coffee table out of the way. A large square table, very pointy corners, with the top at toddler head height, and the middle glass held in by wood. Not safety glass, and had shattered at least two or three times previously when someone put something on carelessly.
I was always on edge in their house because of that.
Apparently you only have to tell a crawling 6 month old once to leave something alone and they will do. There was definitely amnesia going on there, as pil's parents pointed out...

But they are being unkind

My toddler has OAP friends - some in their 80s and 90s. They don't child proof their houses but have no issue keeping her entertained while myself or her dad goes to the toilet, pops to the shop for them or whatever.

I've been to events like weddings and older children have no problems looking out for and after younger children, who aren't their relations, to ensure they don't come to harm.

Neither my parents nor inlaws childproofed when mine were younger but then neither did we. The children learned from a young age not to touch things and their freedoms increased along with their understanding. I know it doesn't work for everyone but a firm no and removing a child from things that they shouldn't touch worked. I have to say though that my parents and inlaws watched the children and played with them when they visited so an adult was always with a child.

Generally my parents’ house doesn’t need child proofing but if we stay (DS2) then we put a stairgate at the top (mainly due to my fear he’ll get out of his travel cot in the middle of the night, which has never happened!) They do have an open fire but I’d expect they don’t put it on when we are there (they have central hearing).

We watch him in turns, and my parents do their fair share of this.

At my FiL house, we (me and DH) have to watch him like a hawk.

If I had another that was younger, like your friend, i’d also be reluctant to stay under the circumstances you describe.

Neither parents nor PIL childproofed as in stairgates, locks, moving ornaments etc - but we didn't do those things at home either.

I wouldn't expect anyone to fit stairgates or locks, which involve drilling etc in their own house. They aren't a substitute for supervision anyway.

They did (on their own initiative) buy high chairs, car seats and travel cots and toys for when we came to stay, and would happily supervise Dc.

My dps took some reasonable precautions, and had travel cots, bed rails and a high chair stored in the shed for visits. Dm was great at supervising.
My dpils had an open fire, candles within toddler’s reach and mil would walk away from the iron/ frying pan/ bbq to nip to the loo.

I do feel it’s the dps responsibility ultimately, which is why I didn’t take my dpil’s up on their demands offers to babysit alone until the dc were a bit older. Fortunately they live close enough for us to drop in for short visits so the dc have a good relationship.

Would it be an option for your friend to bring the basics with her - a travel cot is great as a playpen and they’re pretty cheap in the Lidl/Aldi baby events. I used to blow out mil’s candles, move breakables to a higher shelf and put them back when we were leaving. She’d always be very lovely and tell me not to bother tidying up but never seemed to pick up on it being a problem. Some people are just very set in their ways.