Do your parents/PIL childproof for grandchildren coming to stay?

[Jellybabiesforbreakfast]

Just curious about this as my friend and I have had very different experiences with taking children to stay with grandparents. I know there's no right or wrong answer. We were chatting about this the other day and I'd be interested to know what people think.

My parents have always had a stairgate over the bottom and top of their stairs (although no longer needed since my DC is now 3) and have a fire-guard. My DF also covered the heavy metal fire surround (which is easily tripped over) with foam in case my DC cracked their head open on it and he removes the wobby solid stone ornaments in the garden from their pedestals in case my DC knocks one onto himself when running around. My DM also puts all breakables out of the way (although DC is probably old enough not to touch now) and, since it became apparent that DC can let themselves out the front door, they've put a bolt at the top of the door that DC can't reach. PIL do slightly less but they still have a removable stairgate for the top of their very steep stairs (carpeted, with a solid stone floor at the bottom) and have taught my DC to go down the stairs on their bottom. Also, DC is practically never alone since DFIL is great at following them about and minding them and has been fantastic since DC was first crawling. If I tell him I want to have a sleep or a shower, he'll happily supervise DC for me while I do that.

My friend visited her parents for a few days over Christmas at parents' request. Parents were very excited about the visit. She has two DC, one just 3 and one 1.5. Both very active. Parents didn't babyproof anything, despite my friend asking if she could have stairgates delivered. They had open fires with no fireguards in the kitchen and living-room. Also a dog-flap they leave open during the day to their garden, which is quite big and on several levels with stone steps everywhere and a greenhouse. Their view is that this is fine because it is the parents' responsibility to supervise their children. My friend was on her own with the two kids (husband working Christmas) and no play-pen or anywhere to put the little one (although she did have a travel buggy she strapped them into when she needed to go to the toilet). PIL have quite a lot of breakables and antiques and my friend didn't have a shower the whole time they were there as she felt she couldn't take her eyes off the children. Her parents are now asking her to bring them to visit again but she really doesn't want to take them since it was so stressful last time, even though her husband could probably come this time. However, the parents live over 6 hours drive away so the only way they can visit is to stay with them (or book an airbnb nearby, which my friend is considering).

Is it ok not to stay with grandparents if they won't childproof or supervise the children at all or do parents just need to suck it up and accept that visits may be stressful but it's their responsibility to supervise their kids?

I think part of the problem was that my friend was also expected to help with the cooking and chat to her parents while she was at their house. Which isn't in itself a problem...I take turns with my mum cooking when we visit (one cooks, one plays with DC). Or DC helps to cook with both of us... now they're 3, they can do a bit more. But it's difficult to help and to supervise two children in a non-childproofed house at the same time.

My parents and in laws do. They have baby gates, furniture pads for corners, tv is mounted on the wall and other things that are dangerous are kept out of reach. They are really keen on spending time with my hyperactive Ds 2yo. If they didn't, I wouldn't go there as much and won't trust them to look after him even if I went to the loo for 1 minute. I choose not to go to peoples houses if it's extremely dangerous for DS and won't ask to baby proof. I want to be able to have a conversation too while DS is playing with the toys I bring and me watching him. I wouldn't be able to do that if I'm constantly pulling him away from things as he gets distracted with things that are dangerous. What's the point of me going when they can come to mine where my house is baby proofed?

Both parents and PIL had stair gates when my DC were tiny, but PIL already had them for the dog.

Full baby proofing? I wouldn't expect, but things like not lighting an open fire etc around children I'd consider common sense! PIL do have an open fire which they used to keep a guard over but don't now which makes me nervous still. We visited a relatives house at Xmas a few years ago with the DC and they had lit candles everywhere, low shelves and tables, on the floor... nightmare with toddler DC

My dc grandparent did no child proofing to the extent that there was rat poison down which toddler dc found and he didn't even apologise for that! I still continued to visit regularly but my brother went v low contact due to things like this. Does your friend have a travel cot to keep the children in while she showers?

I've told her to insist on taking a travel cot for the youngest next time (my 3 yo still sleeps in one when we're away) and to use it as a playpen. Apparently the little one kept getting up in the night and trying to come downstairs (he was on a mattress on the floor) so eventually she took the buggy upstairs and strapped him in to sleep so he wouldn't fall down the stairs. The problem is that her parents don't like lots of baby stuff like cots and highchairs in their house and they think it's unnecessary and that a cushion or booster seat does just as well.

Yip totally agree with your last post. There is nothing less relaxing than trying to supervise small children (especially more than 1) in a non child friendly house.

My 2 year old and 3 year old have both know since they were mobile not to open cupboards and drawers (though I did child lock the cupboard under the sink as one less thing to worry about).

But sharp corners on a table etc are a nightmare. Even an obedient child can't be instructed not to fall down so unless they sit very still and quietly it is an accident waiting to happen. Equally true of fire surrounds, open fires, wood burners, etc.

I can leave my kids to run around in my mums house (including up and down stairs as its two half flights and carpeted) and not have to stress, its amazing.

My inlaws have my kids all the time and although they haven't done much baby proofing, they are diligent about the fire guard and the house isn't massive plus MIL is a nursery teacher so I don't have any worries. Kids know not to go up Grannys stairs without holding an adults hand cos wooden and slippy. But equally the door to the hall is always kept closed (which is helpful cos boy child is not always the best at following the rules).

I actively avoid anywhere that I have to constantly follow them around stressing that they'll break something or themselves.

So in summary, I don't think parents and in laws should be expected to child proof but I wouldn't be visiting very often if they didn't. And if they wanted to look after the kids (though doesn't sound like your friends parents do) then they better be very sure they could keep the kids safe while they did.

My mother not at all (it was stresaful going there, but we only see her a few tines a year for a few hours anyway), my grandparents did as much as they did for their own children (less than me, more than my mum), but also took over my children while we were there anyway, so I didn't have to do a thing.

My In-laws sort of do - they have a stair gate etc. But they also have an un-fenced in pool in their garden which terrifies me, and a back gate with a dodgy latch. DS will never be left there without us as I just don't think it's safe.

We always child=proofed for our own kids and then again for the GC's; makes life much more relaxed. When they were small there were no domestic toxins under the sink, medications always locked away, any precious stuff out of child reach etc.

My mother got herself a set of Granny-kit so we didn't need to take m,uch with us; she had a proper cot/bedding/high chair/.changing mat etc, we appreciated that so much we did the same when the GC were born. (secondhand and cheap from charity shop and other grannies); and as GC outgrew it I sold it on to other grannies. We also keep waterproof sheets, a stash of appropriate indoor and outdoor toys, games, craft activities books and films .etc... and toothbrushes, a few spare clothes etc. The idea is that whenever they visit, the GC (and their parents) feel completely welcome, relaxed and at home.

We are lucky in that we see our grandchild weekly and they even stay over occasionally We haven’t baby proofed as such but we don’t have open fires or candles and have no ornaments precious or not. We are always with our grandchild when they visit, and parents are free to relax or do whatever they like. We keep one of everything else at ours, high chair, car seat, travel cot, blow up toddler bed, child friendly table wear etc so we would have got stair gates if necessary but we never had the need we taught our grandchild the going up and down on your bottom as soon as they were able to manage that safely they don’t have stairs at home but never bothered about going up ours unless we were going up ourselves. We have outdoor steps to our garden and these haven’t been a problem either as we are always there.
You can’t guard against everything though, the only bump our grandchild has had at ours was out in the garden they tripped over their own feet while running arround on the grass with their dad and fell and hit themselves on the deck, nothing serious luckily.

The way I see it is that it's already stressful enough to keep them alive in your own baby proofed home and we are talking about 2 under 3, I wouldn't add any more stress for another 6 hour journey to go all the way up there to then add more stress by looking after two in a non safe home and also protecting the home. At home I can go to the toilet, have a quick shower and do things because the house is baby proofed. I would say you can come instead.

I said to DH that if your parents don't baby proof the windows and balcony there's no way I'm going because they live on the 8th floor. Why shall I stress myself and put my child's life in danger because they want to see him. I watch my child like a hawk but he is very fast, strong and climbs on everything and he does it right in front of our eyes. You would need reigns on him even indoors and that's not fair when they can come to mine and I don't have to worry about my child attempting to escape, or climb on things as there is nothing to climb on or just hurt himself because the house is baby proofed. Some people are very lucky, my son doesn't get it and has no impulse control whatsoever nor do I expect him to as he is still young no matter how much I train him, one day it's going to click (hopefully soon).

My mum and step dad's house isn't baby proofed but it's a bungalow, with no fire and a safe garden. They can easily close of the back garden and do. They don't move ornaments but nor do i. I think if it wasn't safe it would be made that way though.

I wouldn't expect anyone to fit stairgates or locks, which involve drilling etc in their own house.

Neither stairgates nor locks need drilling. We were in rented accommodation and used pressure fitted stairgates and locks that clicked over the handles.

My parents had my brothers children 3 days a week so they were excellent at childproofing their home. They saw it as an investment in making for a more relaxed environment for everyone. That said my mum was so thrilled to have grandchildren she bought out Mothercare (I had to persuade her not buy a steriliser!)

My in-laws didn't which was fine. But they liked me and SIL to visit together - 4 under 4 between us and it was very hard work so the visits were shorter.

I childproofed my house when my DGC come for a visit. Over the years between my DC growing up and my DGC births I've acquired lots of ornaments and breakable possessions so they are packed away in a shed. I put a stairgate at the bottom of the stairs and one on the bedroom door if they stayed overnight. My house, my responsibility to make sure all visitors are safe

Your parents did more child proofing than we did in our own house!

My parents just didn't light the fire. PIL didn't need to do anything.

All adults on hand just watch the children, naturally. It's easier because there's more hands, not harder because there's more problems.

Your friend not being able to take a shower is utterly bonkers.

My parents didn't but I didn't baby proof my own apartment either, I simply kept dangerous things out of reach.

No but then I don’t have stairgates/fire guard in my own home either

Having an open fire without a guard is simply nuts - my grandparents had a full cage guard attached to the wall when I was a child (not recently!) though there were plenty of other breakables around. A fireplace that's used is usually filthy even if the fire isn't lit.

My parents still have the stairgate they used when we were children, and were happy for me to move things when DD was smaller, as well as watch her while I had a shower. And they aren't hands on grandparents (partly due to distance) - if I were your friend, I wouldn't be planning a return visit any time soon.

It depends a lot on whether it's a visit there together as a family (long distance) when parents and grandparents are all there to keep an eye or local grandparents who look after the children a lot on their own whilst also needing to do things. If I were the grandparent in the latter I would definitely childproof the house. But it also depends on whether the GPS are risk averse. When I was pregnant I wanted a fence to divide off the large stream that runs through our garden and my husband thought it was unnecessary as we'd be watching them. It was only when I said either fence it or we we move that he fenced it. He wants to take it down now but with eldest SS getting married in June I'd like to keep it up for possible future grandchildren!

I do not want to stay at my in-laws with my 10month old for summer. It's is just so very stressful and no rest for me at all having to watch the children.

My nephews didn't have a stair gate in their own home let alone at the grandparents! Granny had a high chair when they were smaller and some plastic plates / bowls but other than that no adaptations are made when they visit but it's a pretty low risk house as they don't really have ornaments and nicknacks, the garden has a side gate and the greenhouse is out of the way round the back. I assume they wouldn't light the fire while they're there......

I wonder that the parents didn't notice that their daughter hadn't had so much as a shower the whole time she was there, and if they didn't notice, why not?

I also wonder what would happen if she actually came out and told them "We love to see you but since you don't want me to bring any gear with me for the kids and you don't believe that you should have to change your lifestyle at all to fit in with the kids, I find that I can never leave the kids alone to play for 5 minutes like I could in my own house, and that makes it a really exhausting visit." I mean I'm assuming all hell would break loose, because the sort of people who would tell their daughter what baby equipment not to bring with her are probably not the type to take criticism (straight or implied) on the chin.

I really think more people could do with learning the life skill of silently rolling their eyes. You don't have to approve of every small life choice your kids make, but you also don't have to let them know that.

Mine has never been to stay with GPs but they’ve done a few bits of child proofing for when the grandchildren come round, foam around marble fireplaces edges, stair gates and moving anything really breakable or hot/sharp things out of reach. Obviously children are supervised but it only takes a second for a toddler to grab a cup of tea or bump their head so it just seems easier for everyone.

I haven’t even baby proofed my own home. I have a gate on the bedroom but that’s all. Not sure what else you’re expecting?