DP’s reaction to me saying I love him

[Pressy11]

I told DP I loved him for the first time and he said it back. 24 hours later he’s said he’s scared of how he feels for me. He’s never had a girlfriend but we’ve been together now for a year. No issues before now. He kept saying over and over that he is scared of change and that he loves me but this is scary for him. He’s great in every other way.

How do I deal with this?!

Sorry for all the typos, you get my drift

⏰ Waiting for "he is probably autistic" comments 🙄

Seriously tho op he sounds like hard work

For all the 'its been a year' comments- its been the wierdest year ever of on-off lockdown and uncertainty. I wouldn't count the last 12 months as normal relationship building months. Its a very odd context compared to normal times.

@ElspethFlashman

God Almighty he may as well be holding a big wooden stick to hold you at arms length.

He's all, don't get comfy love! Don't expect a holiday! Don't expect a text! Don't expect me to be cool with verbalising love!

Don't expect much from me!

Oh fuck off to the far side of fuck mate.

He'd want to have a solid gold dick and give me 3 orgasms in a row to put up with this after a year, tbh.

Well, exactly, and from your most recent post, OP, it’s working perfectly. You want to talk about moving in with him, but you’ve learnt is that he can’t be ‘stressed’ by the most cursory discussion of ordinary relationship goals and milestones of the kind you want.

As a pp aptly said, beware of becoming his emotional support animal where he has to be guided and coaxed into any semblance of a relationship. I’ve seen this end in misery for both parties and their children.

@Cocomarine

Is he usually such a drama llama?

If he’s “scared of change” then it sounds like he thinks your “I love you” is a declaration of some incoming demand from you - like living together, or a baby.
Which is a bit... childish.

How old is he, and why no girlfriend before?

If love makes him scared, after a year, he should take his shit to therapy, and you don’t “do” anything.

Well, I said this on the first page and it turns out that your, “I love you” is a precursor to the, “shall we live together” chat.

Which is OK.

But I have a feeling it’s going to seem fast to him!

I would certainly let I’m move in with you to try that out, but I wouldn’t let him give up his own place yet.

[quote CorianderBee]@FierceBarrie true, I just meant a few days for him to mull over and stop panicking before having a conversation about relationship progression. If she lives him she's unlikely to take anyone's advice and leave do they need to talk, but launching from love you and him panicking into 'when will we move in/ marriage/ babies / bio clock' is probably what he's afraid of. [/quote]
I hope you’re right @CorianderBee and this is all that’s needed.

I’m getting very clear ‘back off and don’t push it’ vibes. He seems to be sending a very unambiguous message to the OP that things need to stay exactly as they are.

His needs are being met, while she’s ignoring not only her own, but all the red flags he’s waving.

I accept the ‘this has been an unusual year’ comment, but if you love someone and want to be with them, you know it.

My experience of relationships is that when it’s right, it’s easy. Certainly in the early days.

I’m not saying marriage or long-term relationships are always easy. But guaranteed a LTR will be a hell of a lot more challenging if just getting the relationship itself off the ground is this much hard work.

I knew DH was the one because the contrast to my previous relationships was pretty stark. There was no mismatch, no miscommunication, no crossed wires, no resentment at not getting the other’s position. We both wanted to be with each other, and we both felt comfortable being upfront about it. It was so refreshing.

OP, relationships are meant to make life easier, happier, brighter. Boyfriends are meant to make you feel cherished, special, desired, excited for the future with them. A year in, even this past shitty one, is meant to be the light, bright, sexy, funny, fun, honeymoon stuff.

You were on the verge of splitting up with him. Are you sure it was your love for him that stopped you doing so rather than the ballache of splitting up and finding someone new?

His needs are being met, while she’s ignoring not only her own, but all the red flags he’s waving.

You were on the verge of splitting up with him. Are you sure it was your love for him that stopped you doing so rather than the ballache of splitting up and finding someone new?

Longing for a loving relationship and realising that you are being brushed off is tough. Especially if your bio-clock is ticking. But persevering and hoping for the best is not going to get you anywhere.