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Original poster

DP’s reaction to me saying I love him

83 replies

Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 12:15

I told DP I loved him for the first time and he said it back. 24 hours later he’s said he’s scared of how he feels for me. He’s never had a girlfriend but we’ve been together now for a year. No issues before now. He kept saying over and over that he is scared of change and that he loves me but this is scary for him. He’s great in every other way.

How do I deal with this?!

OP posts:
halloumihalloumi · 08/06/2021 18:55

Different perspective. We were a bit younger but I dated my boyfriend for over a year before we even became official. He was inexperienced with women and was still figuring out what he wanted. Once we made things official we did the I love you and then I moved in. Then we got married and now we have 2 kids and have even together 10 years. He just took longer to process things he was 28 though not 38. Lots of my friends told me to ditch him as he was messing me around but I knew he was special . Very happily married

Cannes12 · 08/06/2021 18:57

There are signs in relationships that something is rotten in the relationship and there are signs that the people involved in them are complicated/weird/have baggage. This is the latter.
I think its clear he loves you. Its clear you love him. He's just new at this. He's communicating and being honest which is all good. Don't worry about it. He'll get used to the big change in your life which is having a partner who you love and I'm sure you'll be very happy together.

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 18:57

One thing he’s done in the last day or so is remind me that he has no time to go on holiday this summer. I’ve known this for months (work placement he is on). I have no issue with it at all and he knows that because I’ve told him. I never mention it. Why would he bring that up again after I’ve told him a love him? It’s all so odd.

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ChangePart1 · 08/06/2021 19:00

@Pressy11

One thing he’s done in the last day or so is remind me that he has no time to go on holiday this summer. I’ve known this for months (work placement he is on). I have no issue with it at all and he knows that because I’ve told him. I never mention it. Why would he bring that up again after I’ve told him a love him? It’s all so odd.
He’s making sure you don’t go getting any grand ideas about progressing into doing normal couple things together.

Have you met his friends and family? Do you want kids, or marriage? Have you discussed this?

rainbowstardrops · 08/06/2021 19:02

He's 38, never had a girlfriend and yet after a year of dating, he's worried things are going too fast when you told him you loved him?
Bloody hell. I wonder if you could give him 10 years and it would still be too soon!

ElspethFlashman · 08/06/2021 19:03

God Almighty he may as well be holding a big wooden stick to hold you at arms length.

He's all, don't get comfy love! Don't expect a holiday! Don't expect a text! Don't expect me to be cool with verbalising love!

Don't expect much from me!

Oh fuck off to the far side of fuck mate.

He'd want to have a solid gold dick and give me 3 orgasms in a row to put up with this after a year, tbh.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/06/2021 19:08

You say you love him, but are you happy with him? Just because he's the best by a long, long way doesn't automatically make him an ideal match for you.

MaMelon · 08/06/2021 19:22

One thing he’s done in the last day or so is remind me that he has no time to go on holiday this summer

He’s well and truly keeping you dangling while he decides how he feels. To hell with that. You’re only 32, somewhere out there there’s someone who cannot wait to say I love you and will be desperate to go on holiday with you Smile

GettingItOutThere · 08/06/2021 19:24

oh wow sorry OP that isnt good

do you want kids? marriage etc?

If hes freaking out about this at 38, I would doubt very much his stability and drive to do the marriage and kids thing

RichardMarxisinnocent · 08/06/2021 19:39

@1FootInTheRave

He's 38 and you're his first gf?

Is there a back story here?

Does there have to be a back story? I'm in my 40s and had my first boyfriend (still with him) at 42. The only back story is that I was very shy as a teenager /in my 20s and was very unconfident around men. Men didn't show any interest in me and the longer I went without having a date /boyfriend /relationship the more nervous about trying to date I became, making it even more difficult to start dating.
partyatthepalace · 08/06/2021 19:44

Well he has no experience of relationships, and he’s probably not a great communicator, and he felt overwhelmed and was being honest about that.

Don’t have a big conv tonight when you are knackered, but you probably need to catch up this weekend - not a big d and m about his feelings of fear, but a chat about what you’d both like communication wise.

If you want a commitment in the next 5 months then in a month or so I’d revisit his overwhelm. Three months from now you should know where you are, and if you don’t then have the come to Jesus conv.

If he’s a great guy - just stay calm and ride this bumpy bit out. Some PPs are being a bit unrealistic here, there are many great people who struggle with communication, you don’t want to give up too easily as you could miss a good one.

VimFuego101 · 08/06/2021 19:46

@ElspethFlashman

God Almighty he may as well be holding a big wooden stick to hold you at arms length.

He's all, don't get comfy love! Don't expect a holiday! Don't expect a text! Don't expect me to be cool with verbalising love!

Don't expect much from me!

Oh fuck off to the far side of fuck mate.

He'd want to have a solid gold dick and give me 3 orgasms in a row to put up with this after a year, tbh.

This. At best, he sounds needy and requiring constant reassuring. What do you get out of this? Do you feel loved and secure given his behaviour?
RichardMarxisinnocent · 08/06/2021 19:47

@Cannes12

There are signs in relationships that something is rotten in the relationship and there are signs that the people involved in them are complicated/weird/have baggage. This is the latter. I think its clear he loves you. Its clear you love him. He's just new at this. He's communicating and being honest which is all good. Don't worry about it. He'll get used to the big change in your life which is having a partner who you love and I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
I'd agree with this. I think people who start having relationships in their teens or early twenties, and have decent amounts of relationship experience behind them don't realise what a big change being in a relationship, being in love and being loved feels like after a lifetime of being single.
Mandatorymongoose · 08/06/2021 19:56

What other relationships does he have in his life? Friendships? Colleagues? How does he communicate with other people?

I wonder if he does have some difficulties with emotions / communication generally so this is all new and scary for him and actually he just doesn't know quite what is expected of him or how to deal with it. That's not to say it's your problem OP, but might mean he can still be a good partner, just depends on if your needs are being met.

3plantpots · 08/06/2021 20:04

Sorry OP but he’s distancing from you - I’d at the very least really cool it. Pull back and see if he comes to you. It’s very hard but you want to retain your self esteem and self respect. Why does he get to decide while you wait??

HowToBringABlushToTheSnow · 08/06/2021 20:35

How utterly tedious. Whatever you do, OP, DO NOT indulge this silly man's attention-seeking nonsense. I really would not have time for such childish buffoonery Hmm

Men like him are like pulling teeth I'm afraid.

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 20:45

Since we’ve met this eve at his place, he’s not mentioned the things he said the other night and we just had a lovely time like we always do. He’s been affectionate and wanting to cuddle and kiss.

I really want to talk about what our relationship actually looks like to him but clearly now isn’t the time. I feel quite a lot of pressure following these posts people saying I’m getting older. It makes it more stressful.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/06/2021 20:49

What's you're relationship history, OP?

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 20:51

@Justmuddlingalong had a couple of long ish term things of around 3/4 years each. I really want to settle down. I want to have a conversation with him about moving in but don’t know how to mention it if he panics about this sort of stuff.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/06/2021 20:54

Do you want to settle down with him, though? Can you really be arsed with carrying the weight of the relationship while he panics? Especially if kids are in your plans.

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 20:57

@Justmuddlingalong I don’t know. It’s a bit shit. I’d be really excited about it if he wasn’t always so hesitant. Because when we are together is it honestly the best time.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/06/2021 21:12

But only if you don't mention love, the relationship, the future or moving in together. I agree it is a bit shit. Meanwhile you could be out there meeting other men who are as enthusiastic about a future with you, as you are with them.

CorianderBee · 08/06/2021 21:18

I'd say just give him space. Some blokes go into their brain cave when confronted with something big.

FierceBarrie · 08/06/2021 21:30

@CorianderBee

I'd say just give him space. Some blokes go into their brain cave when confronted with something big.
He’s had a year of space. How much space does he need?

The OP can keep giving him space - meeting his needs, while ignoring her own.

He has all the time in the world, so this works really well for him. Meanwhile, the OP is 32 and no real idea of where her relationship is going.

She does not have all the time in the world.

CorianderBee · 08/06/2021 21:38

@FierceBarrie true, I just meant a few days for him to mull over and stop panicking before having a conversation about relationship progression. If she lives him she's unlikely to take anyone's advice and leave do they need to talk, but launching from love you and him panicking into 'when will we move in/ marriage/ babies / bio clock' is probably what he's afraid of.

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