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Original poster

DP’s reaction to me saying I love him

83 replies

Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 12:15

I told DP I loved him for the first time and he said it back. 24 hours later he’s said he’s scared of how he feels for me. He’s never had a girlfriend but we’ve been together now for a year. No issues before now. He kept saying over and over that he is scared of change and that he loves me but this is scary for him. He’s great in every other way.

How do I deal with this?!

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 08/06/2021 15:12

I am thinking he might be avoidant. Wants a relationship but terrified of it at the same time. Impulse is to flee when it becomes too intimate. This could be a long road to nowhere for you if it's already been a year before you have expressed how you feel about each other and this is how he reacts.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 08/06/2021 15:15

Urgh ive no tolerance for this. If you want to be in a relationship then this is surely the best outcome? I think he needs to get a grip.

FierceBarrie · 08/06/2021 15:25

I might be wrong here but I've always found that in good relationships that have legs, you're usually both trying to hold back from saying 'I love you' too soon because you don't want to rush... but the feelings are there, and they're so strong it can feel almost unbearable keeping them to yourself!

Yes!

Whereas this just sounds incredibly lukewarm. I mean after a year he doesn't sound like he's jumping for joy at the idea of being in love with OP. More like it's made him realise this isn't right or he doesn't want anything serious. I think this is a really bad sign tbh.

… and yes …

It’s take a year to say ‘I love you’? This doesn’t feel quite right, even accepting that each person and relationship is different. Then his reaction.

I’d be doing a bit of staring off into space evaluating of my own, OP.

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Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 17:12

Oh god! These replies aren’t good! Well they’re good, not nice to read!

I’m embarrassed to say he’s 38. I have found it very upsetting. He said it back to me when I said it and was very heartfelt about it. Saying he had loved me months ago (I had too and we’d both held it back). He was saying you are so amazing, you love me even with my odd ways and my odd communication. It felt very genuine.

I probably should have said this in the opening post (sorry), but hours before I told him I loved him I had been querying whether our communication styles matched. I’d said I wasn’t sure I could carry on - he often takes a full day to reply to a text, for example, even if an ‘urgent’ one like shall I set off now etc. I had told him in the past I found that hard and it sort of came to a head. He was very upset saying could we talk etc. And as I was driving over (I wanted to drive to him, he didn’t ask and would have come to me), I realised I loved him too much to just give up. So when I arrived I told him all this, he said it all back. Then hours later he was in this strange state saying he felt like the situation had changed fast in a short space of time, one minute he thought he’d lost me and the next I was saying I loved him. I explained how that had happened and said surely this is a good thing? He said yes but he needed time for it to settle in his mind. He also said he didn’t want to go too fast and that he was scared of how he felt for me.

So here I am wondering how this has happened on the back of me being completely vulnerable, honest and supportive of him. It is very hard. I do honestly love him though, aside from communication he is by far the best thing that ever happened to me and the most wonderful man. I’m 32 for context.

OP posts:
MaMelon · 08/06/2021 17:21

He sounds like an awful lot of hard work OP Sad
The fact that he’s 38 and he’s taken a whole year to say something that’s very normal would make me question whether he’s really the man for me. Normally it’s a really lovely thing to say to each other, not something that’s terrifying and makes you stare into space. Is he going to find the idea of moving in together/ getting married/having children equally as scary? At this rate you’ll be in your forties and still waiting for him to get his head round things! Not sure I could be doing with that.

Only you know what he’s really like and what you’re prepared to put up with though - but never, ever, ever settle for second best Smile

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 17:22

Thanks @MaMelon we are supposed to be speaking shortly and I don’t know what to say really

OP posts:
FrenchieFromGrease · 08/06/2021 17:27

It's been A YEAR. That's not too fast by any stretch of the imagination. How could he have been blindsided by you exchanging I Love Yous? Where did he think your relationship was heading? Confused

He sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style, so he's terrified of commitment and showing his feelings. That can be worked on in therapy but only if he acknowledges this and puts in the work. Don't become his emotional support animal. If he wants to be in an adult relationship then he needs to deal with his own issues.

FrenchieFromGrease · 08/06/2021 17:28

And by therapy I mean him going to therapy alone. This is a 'Him' problem. Not an 'Us' problem.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/06/2021 17:31

Op I would carry on as normal as see what happens. If he keeps being weird then call him out in it, but I think constant discussions around it just makes it weirder.

For whatever reason he's not had a relationship until now. DH was 36 when we got together and had had 1 short relationship before me. We've been married 8 years, have 3 kids, he does more than his fair share and we're good. Sometimes people just have different experiences

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 17:42

@SleepingStandingUp yes I was just thinking that. Better to say nothing isn’t it? Carry on as normal but make a note to myself that this isn’t a normal reaction? Not sure there’s much to say actually...why should I indulge conversation about it. If he brings it up we can talk. The last thing he said was he felt the ‘situation had changed’ very fast so he was processing it Hmm

OP posts:
tara66 · 08/06/2021 17:50

Yes, he sounds like hard work.

MoiraNotRuby · 08/06/2021 17:55

When I read the thread title I thought of Andy and April in Parks and Recreation. She says I love you and he replies 'that's awesome sauce '.

Anyway. I wouldn't pay too much attention to his angst. Either he is a decent man who treats you with respect and you have fun together, in which case keep him. Or he isn't, in which case you're better off single.

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 18:03

@MoiraNotRuby would you also not instigate a conversation? Meant to be seeing him later and I alluded to the fact we should have a chat. Which he agreed to but now I’m wondering what I’m going to say that can in any way be succinct/without going into a huge huge discussion

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 08/06/2021 18:08

He's 38 and you're his first gf?

Is there a back story here?

Dacquoise · 08/06/2021 18:08

Saying nothing about it will suit an avoidant down to the ground as talking about issues and feelings is their nightmare and makes them want to run a mile. How do you want this relationship to progress? Are you looking for marriage, moving in together, babies or are you happy to be independent of each other? Are you brave enough to ask him how he sees your future together?

FlowerArranger · 08/06/2021 18:10

Don't become his emotional support animal.

Absolutely!

It's very odd that, at 38, he has never had a girlfriend.
I'd take a step back and let him do the running.
He either decides to address his issues........ or he doesnt.

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 18:10

@1FootInTheRave no back story no. Just think he’s one of those people who hasn’t found someone yet. He’s got a few relationship books on how to find a woman so I thought that was a good sign?! As in he wanted that?

@Dacquoise he says often he wants all that. He claims he just wants to take things slow.

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 08/06/2021 18:17

Unfortunately if you want children or more than one time isn't on your side. I was married to an avoidant. Had my daughter at 32, missed out on another one because of his issues. It was also the most lonely and isolated relationship ever after we had her because he wanted to retain his independence and left me to it. I'd hate for that to happen to you.

FairyDusting · 08/06/2021 18:41

Take things slow! How slow? You’re 32 and he’s 38! If he’s taking a year to say I love you (and that’s scared him) how long would it take to get some real commitment from him? What if he never does? What will you do if in 5 years time when you’re 37 he still wants to take things slow. Confused You haven’t mentioned anything about wanting children but for me that would have huge baring on this tbh.

Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 18:41

@Dacquoise I just don’t know what to do. We are both exhausted today after awful days at work. I don’t think I can face a conversation to be honest. I feel stressed and sad and confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pressy11 · 08/06/2021 18:43

@FairyDusting I know you’re right. It’s making me feel stressed and upset. I didn’t think I should launch into a discussion about all that tonight though. Should I? I don’t know. I’ve dated loads and honestly he is the best by a long long way. I do genuinely love him.

OP posts:
MerryDecembermas · 08/06/2021 18:48

At 32 I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for my future husband to get over his reaction to saying I love you.. I'd say thank you, you've had 12 months of my life, goodbye and next!

Don't let him waste 12 more months of your life twatting about and having emotional dramas.

Dacquoise · 08/06/2021 18:50

Perhaps park it tonight but do some research when you have the time on attachment styles. See if it resonates with you. Mine seemed like the best ever relationship when I met him.

Whatever you decide to do, don't ignore it or let it slide. From what you have said so far this doesn't sound like a progressing and intimate relationship. If he has issues only he can do something about it.

Lemonwoe · 08/06/2021 18:50

I don’t think an adult relationship should cause so much angst tbh. A relationship is meant to enhance your life: not make it more stressful

MerryDecembermas · 08/06/2021 18:51

And if it's usually you going to see him, stop it now. Pull back, you'll see how much or little effort he wants to put in. My guess is very little. He has no intention of marrying or having kids. Move on and don't give him a second thought. Not replying to texts, not driving to see you.. he is taking the piss.

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