How do I stay tidy?

[ImNotDaveGorman]

This is a strange thread, but I’m genuinely asking for help.
I’m mid 30s, married with DC. But I’m so bloody untidy!
I’m good at cleaning, I have a great cleaning schedule and work hard, however I’m terrible with making the mess in the first place.

For example, unless I’m REALLY concentrating, I’ll take the lid off a yogurt pot and just leave it on the side instead of putting it in the bin. When getting Dc a snack I’ll just leave the packaging out. All little things but they all add up.

Has anyone been very messy and changed? How did you do it?
I was always able to kind of keep on top of t but now I’m running around after DC, just back at work and absolutely exhausted, it’s becoming really obvious how much mess I’m leaving lying around. I would expect it from DC, but not from me. DH is getting very frustrated at me too, and I’m not surprised!!

It’s really getting me down! But it’s like I don’t even realise I’m doing it until I start to tidy.

@BertieBotts that’s definitely me!
It just feels uncomfortable to sit “properly”

In relation to what others have said about Dc I agree! My 2 year old once stopped me as I came in the house, said “coat off!” And took me to the cupboard we hang them up in. I need that 😂😂

Great thread. Too often the tidying threads state the easy things imo. When I’m feeling energised I have no problem in blitzing an area, or keeping on top of things. But when I’m feeling less motivated I tend to let things build up.
Examples (that rightfully infuriate DH) include:
Hairbands. At the end of the day my head hurts so I will take my hair down and quite often I leave the the hairband out.
Socks. Sitting on the sofa I’ll get hot feet so will take my socks off. I then forget I’ve left them there.
Glasses and yoghurt lids. Again, sitting on the sofa before bed. Noticing a theme here. I tend to fall asleep on the sofa and just go straight to bed before tidying up so as not to properly wake myself up. It is laziness though.
Sunglasses. I can never find them as it’s easier to just dump them where I happen to be rather than return them to their rightful several times per day.
Shoes. It’s a right pita having to put shoes in the shoe rack when I spend ALL DAY popping in and outside the house.
Coats. It’s annoying putting them in a cupboard. So much easier to dump them on a hook. Trouble is, we need about 40 hooks to do this.

I have tried to train myself over the years but a lot comes down to how much I can be arsed at the time. It’s probably got messier over the last year as we haven’t had people to stay. Keeping tidy is like breathing really, you always have to do it. Like others have said, if it becomes a habit it feels less arduous.

I do like having a tidy house, but 99% of the time DH will crack before me and start fussing about tidying. I think it’s usually the other way round where the woman would do this. He has a lower tolerance for mess than me. He’s going away in a couple of weeks so I will probably let the mess build up and then blitz it when he’s on his way home so I get the benefit of the outcome but only have to tidy once. We have different approaches.

@MMMarmite One on the back of front door has masks, hand sanitiser, handcream, sun lotion, pens, lipbalm, work ID, and a few other bits. Its for bits I might need when leaving house.

Back of bathroom door- similar things I might need, glasses cleaner, batteries for bathroom electricals, more hand cream, sanitary things (lack of storage in bathroom).

Bedroom has hair things, moisturisers, day to day jewellery.

You could have them for toys, on back of a kitchen door or cupboard.
Basically storage solutions are handy!
I live in a flat so this is a an issue.

Marie Kondos Life changing magic of tidying up is probably worth a read on Audible- I have this and started it.

Having a 'dumping' station by the door is a really good one- recommended a lot in adhd coaching (perennial lost keys problem!)

@NoSquirrels yes, I have! Annoyingly, it didn't really make a long-term difference. He just says he will clean it up/put it away/tidy up in his own time, and he does, eventually. But I struggle to live in the mess that "his own time" means, so I end up doing it.

Otherwise he is largely perfect, luckily for him.

Definitely no executive function issues with him, either. He's very organised and on top of things in the rest of his life. It just doesn't matter to him in the same way it matters to me.

it's like paddling on a surf board, wanting to surf but you are forced to wait for the next big wave, but you have no clue when the next wave comes or how long it will last

That's a brilliant analogy @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba.

I'd add that success is about :

• learning and accepting that you have a surfboard when most people have a pedalo: you're not a failure, but equally pedaling more won't help you!
• figuring out where you can typically find the most waves, and learning how to surf small waves too.

@MMMarmite

awesome extensions! thank you!

especially about finding out where there are more waves. genius!
I know what motivates me so I do try to tap into that. default systems work very well for me.

@camelfinger

Great thread. Too often the tidying threads state the easy things imo. When I’m feeling energised I have no problem in blitzing an area, or keeping on top of things. But when I’m feeling less motivated I tend to let things build up. Examples (that rightfully infuriate DH) include: Hairbands. At the end of the day my head hurts so I will take my hair down and quite often I leave the the hairband out. Socks. Sitting on the sofa I’ll get hot feet so will take my socks off. I then forget I’ve left them there. Glasses and yoghurt lids. Again, sitting on the sofa before bed. Noticing a theme here. I tend to fall asleep on the sofa and just go straight to bed before tidying up so as not to properly wake myself up. It is laziness though. Sunglasses. I can never find them as it’s easier to just dump them where I happen to be rather than return them to their rightful several times per day. Shoes. It’s a right pita having to put shoes in the shoe rack when I spend ALL DAY popping in and outside the house. Coats. It’s annoying putting them in a cupboard. So much easier to dump them on a hook. Trouble is, we need about 40 hooks to do this.

I have tried to train myself over the years but a lot comes down to how much I can be arsed at the time. It’s probably got messier over the last year as we haven’t had people to stay. Keeping tidy is like breathing really, you always have to do it. Like others have said, if it becomes a habit it feels less arduous.

I do like having a tidy house, but 99% of the time DH will crack before me and start fussing about tidying. I think it’s usually the other way round where the woman would do this. He has a lower tolerance for mess than me. He’s going away in a couple of weeks so I will probably let the mess build up and then blitz it when he’s on his way home so I get the benefit of the outcome but only have to tidy once. We have different approaches.

camelfinger I could have written this

@camelfinger

I think you'd really benefit from this book!
it's my loo reading😁so I read random pages and a few days ago I read this chapter on how fighting against your natural habits will never work.
you mentioned shoes: one example was a woman who preferred to take her shoes off by her bed, not walking to other area to put them away. cue unsightly heap of footwear to trip over.
but clearly "just force yourself and put them away" was never gonna work, so instead she was advised to create a shoe rack near her bed which was easy to use.
problem solved!

I have long been very conscious about finding storage solutions at point of use. my MIL is quite impressed with some and copied my tea spoons in a jar next to kettle idea. it's the only cutlery not in drawers. it works for us!

I also keep a small screwdriver in the fridge door. yes it's strange without context. but we have a loose screw on the handle that needs tightening often. so to be efficient it's kept right where it's used.

And this book totally supports my view that organised isn't what looks nice or tidy FOR OTHERS. it's what WORKS FOR YOU!
"Put it where you would look for it" mantra can also be useful

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I’m going to have a look at that book! Thank you x

Our eufy forces us to spin through the house once a day and clear things for it to do it's thing

I have been reading this thread with interest as you are all describing my DH. I started thinking about a year ago that he might have the inattentive type of ADHD (we have a lot of dyslexia, dyspraxia, autism in the family).

Socks off on the sofa - yes
Yogurt lid on the counter - yes
Screwdriver dumped on the patio table after use - still there a year later
Coats dumped over the back of the kitchen chairs - yes till I replaced them with stools.
Jobs half finished - all over the place
Can't remember the name of the main road at the end of our street - after living here 20 years
Me saying yes to a cup of tea - no cup of tea and "but you said no" and genuinely thinking I had said no.
Being asked if he'll pick up eg milk at the supermarket, comes home with no milk and no recollection of being asked.
Check whether we need milk before going to the supermarket - doesn't even occur to him.
Sitting things down in a risky place (eg cup of tea on laptop lid) - doesn't even occur to him that it's a bad idea.
Extremely focussed at times - yes, but I think most of this gets used up for work not home.

It means I pick up virtually all the thinking involved with running the family, all the admin, all the organising of pretty well everything. Just as well he's absolutely lovely .

The tidiness has improved over the years and if I ask he will put away things, it's just that I feel I shouldn't have to ask as its completely obvious to me but clearly it isn't to him. The amount of stuff we have that is duplicated because he has put away in the wrong place and we can't find them again (eg tape measures, torches).

Like you Zing - I keep things where we need them (I have a crochet hook in my kitchen pen pot because its useful for getting fluffballs out of the stick Dyson for example). But it seems any vacant flat surface is always preferable to any storage I buy or create. I wouldn't mind if it was picked up again in a day or so but it rarely is. I'm not hugely tidy or houseproud which is just as well.

Food for thought.

@EversoDelighted that does sound a lot like ADHD. It's very difficult to remember to finish tasks as you go along. That didn't mean he can't do more overall though. I'd suggest that he schedules (with an alarm if necessary) a daily tidying time, where he goes round the house, checks all the surfaces and puts everything away. I typically do this with music or a podcast as that helps stop me getting bored, because if bored I'm more likely to get distracted away from the task entirely.

@EversoDelighted

"vacant surface is preferable"

yup. nature abhors a vacuum!🤣

I’m the opposite, can’t leave a wrapper lying around even if someone dared me 🤪 thats also exhausting when you’re too careful and clean x

@mmmarmite he does had a morning slot where he empties the dishwasher, puts in anything that needs to go in from after it was put on the evening before (except there are always a few items he doesn't notice) and puts away a few things. I need to expand the reach of that slot a bit I think. We are having a new kitchen (complete new layout) in a few weeks which will be nice but I am anticipating chaos in the learning where everything goes period.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I mutter that to myself frequently

If after taking off the wrapping or lid of yogurt pot you put it straight in the bin imagine how much time and freedom from anxiety and stress you would have.