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How do I stay tidy?

94 replies

ImNotDaveGorman · 07/06/2021 07:15

This is a strange thread, but I’m genuinely asking for help.
I’m mid 30s, married with DC. But I’m so bloody untidy!
I’m good at cleaning, I have a great cleaning schedule and work hard, however I’m terrible with making the mess in the first place.

For example, unless I’m REALLY concentrating, I’ll take the lid off a yogurt pot and just leave it on the side instead of putting it in the bin. When getting Dc a snack I’ll just leave the packaging out. All little things but they all add up.

Has anyone been very messy and changed? How did you do it?
I was always able to kind of keep on top of t but now I’m running around after DC, just back at work and absolutely exhausted, it’s becoming really obvious how much mess I’m leaving lying around. I would expect it from DC, but not from me. DH is getting very frustrated at me too, and I’m not surprised!!

It’s really getting me down! But it’s like I don’t even realise I’m doing it until I start to tidy.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/06/2021 09:01

I'm like this, I have ADHD. Only diagnosed in adulthood. If you also have any of the following issues (not necc all) I'd look into it. Chronic lateness, losing everything, social awkwardness, impulsive behaviour, addictive behaviour (can be social media rather than drugs), trouble with mornings, inability to finish anything you start, etc.

The messiness is caused by executive function issues. It's a lack of working memory which causes you not to remember that you've started something when your focus has moved to something else.

The best thing I've found against it (apart from medication!) is three strategies.

One is to narrate out loud what I'm doing as I do it. That helps you to remember what you've started. It can also help as a dummy task to write down all the steps of doing something so for example for food preparation, the step of clearing away any mess, closing cupboards etc.

The second is to eliminate effort. If I am sitting at my computer and I don't have a bin I will just drop food wrappers on my desk. My thought process is that I'll clean them up later, but I never do. Placing a bin there gives them somewhere to go, which is an improvement.

Third is having what I call my "daily sweep". It's a list of areas of the house I need to check for mess or tasks. Things like checking bins, airer, dishwasher. The trick for me is that at least 50% of the tasks on the list don't actually need doing daily. So I go around my list ticking things off that I don't need to do and it feels like a total cheat because I only have to do a couple of them. Then psychologically somehow I don't mind doing the few that I do have to do!

Lastly invite people over regularly. That's the only really motivating thing for me to get everything really good.

SilverGlassHare · 07/06/2021 09:18

DH is like this, and it drives me crazy because I have a couple of fatigue-related health conditions so picking up after him makes me feel like he's just making my life that little bit harder. He argues that I should just leave the yoghurt lid/unwrapped loaf/used crockery on the worktops but I find the mess really impacts on my mental health. So it's either live in a pigsty or clean up after him and nag like I'm his mum. Really fucks me right off and I feel it's incredibly shitty and disrespectful of him. If I ever leave him, it'll be so I can live in a tidy home.

Basically, OP, just check up after you've done anything to see if you've left detritus behind, and if you have, put it away/chuck it. Every time.

AlmostSummer21 · 07/06/2021 09:35

I wouldn't stress out about it too much before you move. Maybe start 2-3 good habits, but use most of your energy/time/focus on getting rid of as much stuff as you can before you move.

Decluttering helps massively because clutter loves more clutter (it's a magnet!) and it kind of hides the stuff you absent mindedly put down.

If your eye can scan a surface and only see a vase of flowers, it will soon see things out of place. Whereas if it's full of stuff (stuff you knowingly put there) you won't see the stuff that shouldn't be there, so easily.

Everyone has their own system and whatever works is good for them/their house, but personally, I couldn't stand bins/laundry baskets/baskets on doors in every room.

I don't know if the things some of us do routinely are something we learnt very young, and became 'what we do' or if they're just something we'd do even if our parents had been like you (not seeing stuff)? Nature/nurture - who knows?

Right now I'd

'De clutter' as much as humanly possibly

Decide on one new habit you know you can actually do -set yourself up to achieve-not fail. So don't decide to always put stuff in the bin & not leave it on the side. Decide to spend 10 minutes at 10am/pm having a good look around and putting stuff in the bin or away. That's a definite thing to do. Set an alarm. When you've got that as part of your routine (however long that takes - the common thought is 21 days to develop a good habit) decide on another good habit to add into your routine/day.

It's hard to think of specific things when they're things you just do...but maybe one of these might help you

-take mail directly from the doormat to your the recycling open it there put the junk & envelopes into the recycling bin and deal with the actual mail as best you can.

When you get home associate opening the front door with being mindful about what you do next, hang up your coat, put your shoes away, put your bag where it belongs and any other bits where they need to go. Don't just put it all down at the door & wander off.

Talk to DH, say that you understand it annoys him & that you don't do it deliberately or becayse you don't care how he feels, just that you don't 'see it' & aren't aware of it, but that you are trying to build habits into your day to stop doing it- but you need his understanding & support, not dismay & frustration.

Make sure he declutters his stuff too! Does he help with tidying up after the DC? Do the kids? (It's never too early to get them
Into good habits!).

Good luck🍀

annie335 · 07/06/2021 09:42

I'm like this op. Sometimes I'll look at something repeatedly and think I must move/tidy that away but it will sit there for ages.
One tactic I do use which seems to help especially in the kitchen is what I call a 'sweep'. I methodically completely tidy one area ignoring everything else until I'm ready to move on to the next section. Everything looks great afterwards and it doesn't seem as much of a chore.

Tlollj · 07/06/2021 10:04

I honestly think people are just tidy or they’re not. My mum is the worse second only to my sister. You have to move stuff to sit down. Magazines, books, clothes, remote controls.
Definitely it’s having too much stuff.
Makes it harder to see the wood for the trees.
Why are pp socks on the table?
In the drawer
On your feet
In the basket
In the machine
On the line.
Keep away from the table. 😃

PattyPan · 07/06/2021 10:14

Reading this to see if I can pick up tips for my DP, who also cannot see mess and forgets about rubbish (I tell him every day to put his food waste in the bin instead of leaving tea bags all over the house!). He also leaves his stuff in weird places and then asks me if I’ve seen it. Eg instead of taking his shoes off at the door, he’ll wander about and take them off somewhere random and leave them there. I’m in the dining room and can see a pair of shoes here and one under the stairs but I know later he’ll ask me where they are!

I take a lot of the slack but lists and post-it notes help him. He has no concept of stacking things sensibly (this is an intelligent man currently finishing a science PhD!) so there’s a post-it on the Tupperware cupboard in the kitchen reminding him to put things away in a way that won’t result in them all falling out. There’s a list on the fridge of the chores he is meant to do on each day as well.

tentosix · 07/06/2021 10:15

Tackle one thing at a time and train yourself So every time you take off a yoghurt pot lid put it in the bin. Do this for every single kitchen item. Then move to other things. Always hang up keys. I was like you but now it's much easier to be tidy

Sparrowsong · 07/06/2021 10:15

I’m like this! Turns out I too have ADHD... I find it helps to get into the habit of finishing a task straightaway. If I open a yoghurt, I myst throw the top away immediately. Takes practice Grin

boogiewithasuitcase · 07/06/2021 10:32

As you say you are good with the cleaning, maybe try thinking of the yoghurt pot lid as part of your cleaning schedule.

If the lid goes in the bin straight away you wouldn't then need to find extra time to clean up after it later.

NoSquirrels · 07/06/2021 10:35

@SilverGlassHare

DH is like this, and it drives me crazy because I have a couple of fatigue-related health conditions so picking up after him makes me feel like he's just making my life that little bit harder. He argues that I should just leave the yoghurt lid/unwrapped loaf/used crockery on the worktops but I find the mess really impacts on my mental health. So it's either live in a pigsty or clean up after him and nag like I'm his mum. Really fucks me right off and I feel it's incredibly shitty and disrespectful of him. If I ever leave him, it'll be so I can live in a tidy home.

Basically, OP, just check up after you've done anything to see if you've left detritus behind, and if you have, put it away/chuck it. Every time.

Have you ever shown him the “She left me because of glasses by the sink” blog post? It talks about it from the POV of a man who didn’t get it til it was too late that it was the disrespect, the lack of care for his wife’s feelings, rather than the glass by the sink that was the issue. I showed it to my DH and it did help: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
LockedFarAway · 07/06/2021 10:54

If you have three changes to your outlook, they should be:

  1. The OHIO rule
  2. Everything has a place, everything in its place
  3. Shut down the kitchen at night

OHIO = Only Handle It Once. That means, with a yogurt pot lid, the minute your hand touches it to rip it off, that's the last time you handle it. When you put it down, it's only in a bin. If it's at a meal with plates and there's leftovers to bin you can add to the pile of leftovers to scrape into the bin, but what you can't do is dump it just anywhere!

Also, part of the problem is things not having their place, so you dump it just anywhere. If it had a place, then it gets out in its place. So step one here has to be going through everything you leave lying around and ask yourself, "where do other people keep this sort of thing, in their homes?" If you don't know, ask mumsnet!
So, for example, I have a key holder that I always hang keys on. There's a shoe cupboard right by the door, right near the hooks for coats. You can do it! If you've ever hung your coat up and opened a kitchen cupboard for a clean plate, you're already doing it. You just need to find a place for the other stuff.

And lastly, shutting the kitchen down every night. This is powerfully worth every effort before you go to bed. Not only do you wake up and come down to a pristine, clean environment (which is good for the mental health!), you also kill two birds with one stone.
Shutting down the kitchen involves clearing the draining board, emptying the dishwasher, wiping all the kitchen and cooker worktops, and making sure the floor is clean. Most people find a quick sweep is sufficient, other people use their robot hoovers. Part of being able to empty the draining board involves doing a quick sweep of downstairs to gather up any plates or cups that you may have missed earlier in the day. Personally, in my house, plates and cups are banned from going upstairs anyway, so if you haven't started that, don't! But if it's a bad habit you've already got into, maybe keep all your eating and drinking downstairs? It's kind of funny because, when you're collecting cups from downstairs areas, it's so easy to straighten cushions pick up blankets off the floor, rescue remote controls from down the sofa cushions, that sort of thing. Before you know it, with minimal effort, you've left it looking great.

These things really don't take long to do as well I remember once waiting at the traffic lights, so frustrated they had stopped me. I decided out of idle curiosity to time how long it was, and it was one minute 15 seconds. I was so surprised because it felt like it was more like 10 minutes! Another set of traffic lights was only 45 seconds. Some jobs feel like they take such a long time you haven't got time to start them, but I also time to myself wiping down the toilet and cleaning the sink downstairs, and was amazed to find it is less than a minute to do both those tasks. When you think about it like that, what is 'less than a minute' between friends! It's the same when you are closing down the house at night.

ImNotDaveGorman · 07/06/2021 11:34

Thank you all so so so much for all the replies. I’m at work at the minute so will have a proper read later, but it all looks like great advice.

Strangely I have wondered for a while about ADHD as I’m sure I show some signs, but I have no idea how I would go about getting tested!

For those that have not been quite as kind I just want to say I understand what you’re saying, and thank you. You’re helping me see the frustration my DH must feel constantly. I honestly hate this side of me, and I am trying to change.

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/06/2021 11:45

@ImNotDaveGorman
Google "free ADHD test" and do an initial self-assessment.

if you think most things apply for you then go to GP and get a referral to be assessed, though I warn you, it might take years to get an appointment!

in the meantime you can join ADHD groups here or on FB, peeps are brilliant with advice, book recommendations and just generally making you feel less lonely (and that weird is fine🤣)

also read a bit about what motivates non-neurotypical people: novelty, urgency, challenge & interest as opposed reward/punishment.
once you understand these things you can devise strategies to help with executive dysfunction, hyperfocus, can't start/can't stop, getting distracted, finishing projects, time management etc.

feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 07/06/2021 11:53

Try to take things a little slower. A saying I like is Slow is smooth and smooth is fast, or the more old fashioned More haste, less speed. Give yourself that thinking time and you are less likely to make mistakes or half do things.

Freyaismyname · 07/06/2021 11:59

I do the 5 minute rule. If it takes no longer than 5 minutes, do it there and then. It's easier to stay on top of things.
Things like washing a couple of plates, or putting the washing on, tidying down work surfaces etc. It saves time and it keeps things tidy

merryhouse · 07/06/2021 12:16

(you'll probably hate me for this but)

Make up annoying little songs. For example, I don't know about you but I can guarantee that the next time I open a tub of yoghurt I'll have this one in my head, probably for the rest of the evening. (Don't let yourself sing the finishing version before you've done it.)

merryhouse · 07/06/2021 12:21

sorry, forgot to link the clip... and now I can't get it to load. But it was an annoying little repetitive ditty
"pull the yoghurt lid - scrape the yoghurt lid - lick the yoghurt lid and put it in the bin; yes we pull the yoghurt lid..."

Use the obsessive and pattern-spotting parts of our brain to advantage!

Moules · 07/06/2021 12:21

No tips here. Just standing in solidarity as a fellow messy person who is keen to reform my ways. I tend do one massive clean at the end of the day but with DH WFH, I have to keep the place tidier now. I wonder whether it’s a procrastination thing?

AmberIsACertainty · 07/06/2021 13:00

I have a tip for "everything in its place". When you're deciding where that should be, think to yourself if you were searching for this where would you look first? Then put it there and make that it's regular home. I never lose anything now.

NoSquirrels thanks for that article Smile

BrieAndChilli · 07/06/2021 13:00

ok. I saw that you are moving in a few months. This is great!!
Our old house was cluttered and messy and untidy and even when we cleaned and tidied it still looked cluttered.
We then moved house back in feb.
So I made a plan for the new house - worked out where everything was going to live, bought some new storage furniture and bought inserts for drawers etc
I wrote it all down and made lists etc. so that when we moved I knew exactly where everyting was going.
I boxed up old toys/books etc that we wanted to keep but are not played with so they could go up in the attic.

When we moved we had a really good purge, got rid of stuff we were keeping'just in case' like scraps of material and duplicates of stuff.

the new house has so far managed to stay tudy and organised and is much easier and quicker to clean.

Bizjustgotreal · 07/06/2021 13:02

Look into minimalism. There's a lot of stuff in Netflix about it.

Reducing my stuff (ongoing process) helps you to keep track of things. Have rules such as 'cleaning the dishes is part of the meal' so that you also clean up after you eat.

Another is that if something will only take a minute do it right now.

I was very messy before. It takes concentration, but I'm actually quite tidy now. Best of luck

Bizjustgotreal · 07/06/2021 13:03

It spills into the rest of your life too, and you'll find that you're more attentive to organising what needs to be done etc. - made my work life 100% better.

BillMasen · 07/06/2021 13:04

I have a DP who is like you. She “doesn’t see mess”, will leave packets and lids on the worktop which I tidy away. It’s incredibly frustrating, and yes, disrespectful. I understand your DPs feelings and those of others on the thread who live with it.

I’ve read many many threads where messy male partners who don’t see mess are said to be liars, lazy, even abusive.

I’m not saying OP is, and I get she wants to change but for me it really is a case of just respecting the space you’re in and the people around you

Do you litter when you’re out? Do you leave mess in communal workspaces? Changing rooms? Other people’s houses? Cars? I’m guessing not.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/06/2021 13:05

I do an hours cleaning when I get home from and it all stays tidy. Mind you I am single and my son is grown up.

BillMasen · 07/06/2021 13:06

More helpfully

Yes to the “just do it now” if it’s in your hand

Yes to the “make sure everything has an actual place to be put away”

Please don’t ever tell your DP to “leave the mess and relax”, they’re mutually exclusive