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Original poster

Who would you expect to speak at a funeral?

53 replies

OrangePowder · 04/06/2021 10:20

DH is dying and we've been talking about funerals.

He's chosen some music and said no religion, don't waste money on a fancy coffin, so that's helpful at least I have some pointers.

At the last funeral I went to the man's wife and adult children all said some lovely words. I really don't want to do that. I hate public speaking and what I feel for DH is between us. Our DC are only just adults and unlikely to want to speak. I'll give them the opportunity, but I won't put any pressure on them if they don't want to.

I'm hoping someone from a volunteer group DH was involved in will be prepared to do something.

What else "should" be in a funeral?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 04/06/2021 10:24

I am sorry for this. How awful for you all. Flowers I would never expect a wife or children to speak. In my experience it's always been a friend, or a nephew or someone like that.

See if you can choose someone who knew him well. But in reality, nobody HAS to speak. There are no rules.x

FortunesFave · 04/06/2021 10:24

I meant to add. Make it as easy on you all as possible...and if thinking of someone to speak causes you worry, then cast it aside.

TeenMinusTests · 04/06/2021 10:26

I think it is up to you. Funerals are all sorts these days.

Someone could write something and ask someone else to read it.
Someone could read out a meaningful poem or something.
A favourite song.

FourEyesGood · 04/06/2021 10:26

What would your DH like in terms of speakers? I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable or feel as though you ought to speak of you don’t want to. There’s no ‘must’ or even ‘should’, really - it’s entirely up to the family and anyone who judges can stuff it.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

VienneseWhirligig · 04/06/2021 10:26

When DH died, my dad and stepson spoke. I couldn't do it (too upset) and neither could DS. BIL also recited the Kohima and saluted the coffin. We had a humanist funeral and it was all personalised and exactly as DH wanted it.

EversoDelighted · 04/06/2021 10:27

Flowers I'm sorry. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules but think its quite usual for the spouse/partner to not speak. Adult children maybe but IME it has tended to be older ones. Family friends, whoever is officiating can read out words from family members. There is also the option to make readings rather than give a personal eulogy. Do you have contact with the volunteer friends yourself or is it all through DH?

ineedaholidaynow · 04/06/2021 10:28

Whatever you and DH want is what should be in the funeral. I read a poem at my DF’s funeral but my DH and the celebrant were ready to take over if necessary. The celebrant also did the eulogy, with information provided by ourselves. But you don’t have to have one, Prince Philip didn’t as he didn’t want one.

I am so sorry you are going through this Flowers

Erkrie · 04/06/2021 10:29

I'm sorry about your DH. It's not a case of who should be in a funeral, but who you want to be there. When my DH died the funeral director put me in touch with someone who did the professional speaking for me. I chose someone who I thought would reflect what DH would have wanted. The speaker came round and we talked loads about DH, and then he put a lovely speech together. On the day a few people decided they wanted to get up and talk too. And then we had a photo show set to music to celebrate DHs life. The crem arranged this for me.
I couldn't speak either op. It would have been too hard. Go gentle on yourself and outsource what you can Flowers

Faranth · 04/06/2021 10:31

How awful for you all Flowers

I've been to plenty of funerals where the only person to speak is the person conducting the ceremony, in fact those with readings have been more unusual. For non religious occasions I've been really impressed with the few humanist celebrants I've seen. They have always managed to give a wonderfully personal feeling ceremony.

Bamaluz · 04/06/2021 10:32

You could get a humanist celebrant to speak on your behalf. Google how to find one in your area.
So sorry you are going through this.

paralysedbyinertia · 04/06/2021 10:35

The funeral is your chance to say goodby. Do it in whatever way feels most comfortable for you. Nobody will expect you or your dc to speak if you don't want to. Grief is such a personal thing, there is no right or wrong way to do it.

I'm so sorry that you and your family are having to deal with this.

paralysedbyinertia · 04/06/2021 10:36

Goodbye, not goodby.

starrynight21 · 04/06/2021 10:36

I had a humanist celebrant for my mother's funeral. I wrote a little eulogy and he read it out. Nobody else spoke, we all sang "All things Bright and Beautiful" and that was that. It was lovely. I'd recommend it.

HeddaGarbled · 04/06/2021 10:38

I think it should be the professional celebrant who should speak, using a speech produced in consultation with the family.

I have witnessed many attempts at speeches by family who have clearly been struggling to get through an awful ordeal. If someone feels strongly that they want to do it, that’s up to them, but otherwise it just seems cruel.

I did attend one funeral where two old family friends spoke, telling stories about their shared histories, including some funny anecdotes, and that seemed a proper commemoration of his life.

Original poster
OrangePowder · 04/06/2021 10:40

When I've heard celebrants deliver a speech written with information from the family it's always made my toes curl. I know this is probably weird to me but it feels wrong to hear someone who didn't know the deceased taking about them so personally.

If "other" people want to speak, would you ask to see what they've prepared in advance?

There's a part of me that thinks no funeral and a private ashes scattering would be best for me and my boys, but DH has a wide circle who will expect and want to attend and it's right that there's some sort of celebration of his life. I was half hoping it would happen while numbers were so restricted to remove some of the choices Sad

This will be the first funeral his sons have attended.

And a stupid question. What do I do afterwards? I was thinking something at home, but then I can't leave. But maybe I can't leave anyway, as host?

OP posts:
Grizalda · 04/06/2021 10:42

I'm so sorry about your Dh Thanks

I've been to some funerals where no family spoke but words written by the family are read out by the celebrant/vicar.

ItsSnowJokes · 04/06/2021 10:44

When my dad died I did speak (but I was 30) and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I did have someone as a back up to read what I had written if I just couldn't do it or I got too upset. My daughter wanted some words said and one of my dad's good friends read it out for her. And then one of my dad's friends also did a eulogy for him and all the memories of him.

There are no hard and fast rules, do what you feel your husband would want or what you need to happen. Don't put any pressure on yourself. xxxx

ineedaholidaynow · 04/06/2021 10:46

Is there a local pub/hotel you could hold something at, then you can leave when you feel you have had enough, maybe ask a friend to carry on as ‘host’ if required.

If you don’t like the idea of the celebrant talking maybe ask amongst DH’s friends if they would be happy to do it.

A friend’s DH died and a friend who he had known from school did the eulogy. It was lovely but he was really struggling at the end to finish it.

NeedNewKnees · 04/06/2021 10:46

I’m so about your DH Flowers

We had a humanist celebrant. She was great - spent 2 hours talking with us all, sent us her proposed eulogy to check over (like referring to by informal name, Pete not Peter etc). It was very moving.

No one else spoke.

tabulahrasa · 04/06/2021 10:46

There’s no “should” honestly, have whoever you want speaking or not... I’ve been to funerals where the family have spoken, ones where it’s other people, ones with just the celebrant - it’s honestly not important. Just do what suits you.

If you’re going to do something after, yeah I’d do it elsewhere so you can leave and yes it’s fine for you to leave.

Also, if you’d prefer a private funeral, it’s always an option to do that and arrange something bigger another time - if you tell people that, they’ll be fine with it.

Notmydaughteryoubitch · 04/06/2021 10:47

In terms of after, is there a local pub/restaurant with a room you can hire and they can provide some refreshments? You can leave whenever you feel you want/need to.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/06/2021 10:48

I’m sorry OP

After my mums funeral we had cake and tea in the church hall.
I’ve been to others where it was at a funeral home and they had a separate room for refreshments after. Then others where attendees have been invited back to the family home.

I’ve also been to a memorial service where the immediate family did not speak but siblings and family friends did. In that case the family had held a private funeral first.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong. Do what works for you.

Krook · 04/06/2021 10:49

I'm so sorry about your DH.

Would it be an option to have a private funeral with very close family or no funeral as you wish then a memorial gathering for friends and so on in a couple of months? I think this is a situation where the only people you really need to consider in the short term is you and your sons.

CMOTDibbler · 04/06/2021 10:55

If you don't want a big public funeral, don't feel obliged just because of other people. Now more than ever you have a precedent of a small funeral and ashes scattering and then you can do a celebration of his life at a later point in the summer.

If you feel you want to have a public funeral, then no one has to speak. My uncles funeral was humanist and the celebrant actually met with him before he died to work out what he wanted them to say so it was actually from him rather than about him if that makes sense. Afterwards, you don't have to do anything, and especially with your boys I wouldn't do it at home where they can't escape.
I'm so sorry you are facing this. I found the funeral directors a massive help last year when both my parents died, and they would be able to arrange anything you want them to in terms of finding somewhere for a wake

cariadlet · 04/06/2021 10:57

I'm so sorry to about your DH. What an awful time you're going through. There's no right or wrong way to have a funeral. The only "should" is whatever feels right for your family.

When my FIL died a few years ago, the only people who spoke were my dd (who was about 14 at the time) and the celebrant. DP and MIL were too upset.

When my Dad died, it was only me and the celebrant who spoke.

Neither were religious so we didn't have hymns. We did have a piece of music that was special to each of them, and those were played while we all had some quiet time to think about them.

The quality of the celebrant makes a huge difference. The one we had for my dad was lovely. She spent a long time talking to me, my sister and my mum and her eulogy was really personal and touching without being over sentimental.

I don't know if you and your Dh would be able to do this or if it would be too upsetting, but have you thought about finding a funeral director and a celebrant and talking to them before your husband dies? That would help them to get to know you both, to give you options and suggestions and give your DH some control over what is going to happen. I would find that comforting myself but know that it wouldn't suit everybody.