Who would you expect to speak at a funeral?

[OrangePowder]

DH is dying and we've been talking about funerals.

He's chosen some music and said no religion, don't waste money on a fancy coffin, so that's helpful at least I have some pointers.

At the last funeral I went to the man's wife and adult children all said some lovely words. I really don't want to do that. I hate public speaking and what I feel for DH is between us. Our DC are only just adults and unlikely to want to speak. I'll give them the opportunity, but I won't put any pressure on them if they don't want to.

I'm hoping someone from a volunteer group DH was involved in will be prepared to do something.

What else "should" be in a funeral?

Sorry about your DH

At my Mum's funeral, my Dad didn't speak, the vicar read the eulogy. My sister and I contributed by reading poems. There's no right or wrong for this, it's up to you or whoever is arranging the funeral.

We had a gathering at a local hotel afterwards, as it was quite a big funeral with over 100 attendees. Just a cold buffet and tea/coffee plus a cash bar for those who wanted alcohol (many people were driving). My Dad said a few words there, just to thank people for coming and for their support. Again, there's no right or wrong for this either.

Look after yourself, your DH and your boys.

When each of my parents died the lady priest spoke as part of the service , when my uncle died my cousin spoke ( extremely well - I thought she was very brave ) at a Friends husbands funeral his friend spoke also his daughter , there is no right or wrong , I knew I couldn't even though I'm used to public speaking, I get too choked up with emotion

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
I was at a funeral last week. It was conducted beautifully and the only person who spoke was the celebrant - no family or friends. The service was still very personal with lots of touching and funny anecdotes.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong in these circumstances, do whatever is best for you and your children.

I’m so sorry. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here and it could be that someone a little less close to your DH would be better composed to speak.

So sorry you are having to face this. When FIL died we knew he hated hymns so played recordings of songs he'd enjoyed as a young man. Adult DDs each chose a short poem. A friend read an extract from a motorcycling autobiography (!) which FIL had enjoyed, describing the thrill of the open road. It was very personal to him, and reminded us of all his happy times.

So sorry you are having to do go through this op.
We went to a funeral recently and dye to covid restrictions no one was allowed to speak. But the vicar did a fantastic job and made it personal.

OP I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

The funeral should be whatever you want it to be.

Please don't tie yourself in knots worrying about what other people think you should do.

I’m sorry for your troubles OP

At a recent (pre-Covid) family funeral a family member who was not emotionally able to speak but wished to pay personal tribute gave a pre-written speech to the priest who read it out for her. As everyone else has said, there’s no need to speak if you don’t want to.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

The funeral should be what you want it to be. There is no "should".
I wouldn't expect the widow / widower to speak at a funeral - not the norm at all. I've heard dc in their 40s / 50s / 60s speak at the funeral of elderly parents, but I wouldn't expect young adults at their first funeral to speak.
However, people sometimes want to. My ds (24) spoke at his friend's funeral last Summer. My heart was in my mouth, but it was something he felt he wanted to do. The Minister had a copy of what he'd written and was happy to step in last minute or half way through or whatever, and we all said he didn't need to do it, but it was something that just felt right, for him.

People often ask someone from their work to say something. Or, if your dh has been involved in some community from a hobby or sport, then someone will sometimes be willing to speak. However, it doesn't have to be anyone who knows him.
Many a funeral it is only the Vicar / minister / celebrant who speaks, and that is fine too.

Really sorry op it’s so tough. Just do what feels right - great advice above.
I did a reading at my dads funeral then a quick thank you type thing at the after event. To thank friends and say a few words about him.
For my mum we spoke to the vicar and he said some stuff at her funeral service. I and a cousin then spoke at her memorial service.
Had siblings who did not want to. With people who spoke we had brief checks that everyone was ok with what was being said.
Support.

When I lost my Dad we decided on a Direct cremation followed by a memorial service in the village hall where he grew up and the family all had and attended many parties there
I found a celebrant local to him who came and spoke to Dad and I whilst he was on Palliative care for a good few hours .
When Dad passed away a week or so later we organised the memorial day and carried out his wishes
The celebrant led the whole thing and I read out a poem that Dad had chosen and then spoke to everyone about Dad , I had some notes but mostly winged it

Even the lady who organised the key for the village hall remarked what a great send off it was and that we hadnt mentioned God once !

A lot of people remarked what a fantastic occasion it was , I am not sure I could have done it without the celebrant there to hold it all together but there was no misery there at all

The direct cremation took away the hiatus of waiting for a slot at the crem or the church and I feel made the whole occasion much more relaxed

Thoughts are with you op

We had a mass for my mum so I did a reading and grandchildren did prayers of the faithful and offertory procession.

At the cremation my BIL did a speech and my niece read a poem. Could one of your children do that?

No one has to speak. At my FIL's funeral it was just the civil celebrant as my DH doesn't like public speaking. At my uncles funeral, my dad got up but it was left open ended so he could have declined at the time if he didn't think he could do it. My mother in law had to live stream a funeral recently and said that the deceased persons grandchildren all got up and said a few words which was lovely.

There's no rules though, it's a lot of pressure and I would struggle with something like that, and I'm very confident with public speaking!

You can do a private service for now OP, and then wait to do a memorial service later on?

That way you could involve the children more and some time will have passed so it's not so raw.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. There really isn't a "should" about it, it's whatever you as a family want and are feeling up to.

I've been to a couple where the officiant spoke, and actually I thought they were ok, but if they make your toes curl, then it's not for you.

Is there anyone in your group of friends or a relative who is a reasonable public speaker who you would trust to do it? You can write it all, or as much as you like, and the person just says "Orange has asked me to say a few words" before reading it out.

In terms of afterwards, don't try and host at home. It will be too much. If finances permit, you can hire a room in a pub and lay on some sandwiches or a private room at a hotel, for example. Ask the funeral director where wakes are usually held and they'll be able to give you some pointers.

I was going to suggest what others have. Something very small/private when the time comes followed by a celebration of life if/when you feel ready.

At my mum's, the only speaker at the crematorium ceremony was the vicar.

No one else needs to speak if they/you don't want to. The vicar was given some pointers about the sort of person mum was, grandchildren etc and that was it.

There isn't any 'should' in who might speak at a funeral. Ask wider friends or family if anyone would like to do a reading or say a few words. If no one feels up to it then the vicar (or whoever is hosting the funeral) will read anything you want them too.

On a personal note having lost my Dad recently and not being much older than your children, I can offer some advice. If they don't want to read anything they might like to pick a poem each to be read in his honour or create a video montage of photo's with favourite songs to accompany them. I am sorry you are all going through this, its extremely tough when you know you're going to lose someone, spend all the time you can just holding his hand and being with him.

I am very sorry you have this to face. There is no right or wrong here, you do whatever you feel is right for your family.

I knew I couldn't read the eulogy but I could write it. I wasn't going to sit there and listen to a eulogy written by someone else, knowing that I could have done a better job The celebrant read it, saying that it had been written by "the family". My boiling rage at that carried me through it, his siblings had volunteered to write a section on his early life but told me that it was "too hard" two days before the funeral.

I opted for a buffet in a pub function room because then I could leave when I wanted or when my son wanted. If you deputise someone to wrap up in your absence then you can just slip away.

I know what you mean OP - the went to a funeral where my widowed friend spoke eloquently about her DH. When the humanist celebrant spoke about him, it was in a really mawkish manner which I found embarrassing as she didn't know him at all!

A funeral is very personal and should be just as you want it. There are no rules. My ds read at my mils funeral and my dad's at ages 12 and 13 respectively. He is 15 now. He's mature for his age and wanted to read for both his grandparents as he was very close to them. I wrote dad's eulogy with mum and I read it. It wasn't easy but again I really wanted to do that for my dad. It's all about what your loved one would have wanted and what the family want to do. It doesn't mean you love a person any less if you can't or feel unable to speak. I think it is fairly usual for family members to have some involvement but it's not an obligation and there are other ways of getting involved besides speaking. I have attended funerals where a friend has read the eulogy so that would be fine in your circumstances.
I am so very sorry that you, dh and your dc are going through this.

There's a part of me that thinks no funeral and a private ashes scattering would be best for me and my boys, but DH has a wide circle who will expect and want to attend and it's right that there's some sort of celebration of his life. I was half hoping it would happen while numbers were so restricted to remove some of the choices

You could have a small private service and have a memorial later, maybe a year after.

At my mum's funeral the priest did the speaking, but my parents were church goers so he did know her, he also read out an email from my brother. If your DH is up to it, you could write something together for someone to read.

At my grandmothers the long term boyfriend of my aunt talked and I was a bit, "wtf?".

I also went to a funeral where a 10 year old read her own eulogy for her grandad.

There is no "should" when it comes to this. I have been at funerals where children and life partners have spoken and where they haven't. It is entirely up to them and I have never given it a moment's thought when they haven't (and never heard of anyone else commenting it either). At my father's funeral, neither my mother or my brother and I spoke. None of us felt up to it. Two people spoke. One had known my father in his professional life from he was a youngish man until his retirement, and the other had taken part in a hobby he had had with him for decades.

At my dad's funeral we had a humanist celebrant who led the service, read a poem on behalf of the grandchildren & the last bit of the service for the committal. My brother did the eulogy on behalf of both of us.

Last funeral I was at, the celebrant read out a letter from the deceased’s wife and a neighbour/friend of many years standing. He was excellent and it was perfect. I’ve also been to funerals where no-one has given the eulogy and that was fine too. I was at a funeral some years ago, where the son got up to speak at his fathers funeral, and bawled his way through his prepared speech but refused to give up, and quite frankly, he was incoherent with grief, and no-one could understand a word he said. It was so awful...do whatever you feel. It’ll be the right thing.