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Original poster

I don't want to keep adding friends to the group but don't want to be rude

66 replies

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:13

First of all I'm quite introverted. I'm part of a volunteer group where I befriended a few people especially 2 women in particular. I have often met one on one with woman A and woman B and I really value our friendships. Lately woman B asked if we could all meet as a 3 for a change and I said sure (although I was apprehensive about how it would change the dynamic). We all had a nice time and will meet again as a group. I do feel it probably spells the end of my 1 on 1s with each of them though. Is that silly?!

However another person that left the group long ago, woman C (who I also meet one on one for coffee sometimes) saw us together in the passing and asked if the 4 of us can all meet together soon and you know what? I don't want to.

I prefer to meet up with people one on one and I don't want it to become a big group thing. I've accepted that it is going to be 3 of us meeting from now on as it is but I really don't want to add this 4th person to the mix - who is a nice person but very quiet and doesn't fit with the dynamic imo. I love meeting her one on one. How would you respond to that?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:16

It also feels like more than 'Idon't want to'. I have enjoyed 1 on 1 friendships with each of the women for a couple of years. Trying to make it into a big group thing is causing me so much anxiety -really it makes me feel very anxious - and I just really don't want it - but it isn't something I feel I can verbalise

OP posts:

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/06/2021 23:19

you know what you want - 1 on 1 meetings.
so stick to that.
if they want a group of 3 of 4 of you to meet just decline it by saying you find that overwhelming.
to me it's that simple.
you don't even have to apologise

ZoeMaye · 03/06/2021 23:20

"It would be great to meet as a 4 some time, however i would be gutted if that meant we didn't mean 1 to 1 anymore because I value our time together so much. Groups can be fun, but there is nothing like the connection we have when we meet up, I would hate to lose that. What do you think? "

gracefull · 03/06/2021 23:23

As someone who has been left out, I think it’s unkind of you to leave her out. It takes a lot for people to ask to be included and you saying no doesn’t really make sense to me. What do you lose by her being included? Whereas she is potentially completely isolated/in need of the social contact.... I don’t really understand the source of anxiety for you here.
You also seem to be thinking in a very black and white manner. I don’t understand why you think hanging out in a group means the end of 1:1 meet ups/friendships. I have been part of a group of 3 for about 8 years and we all still meet up 1:1 on occasion... for lunches/dinners etc. I wouldn’t and am not upset if they meet up without me as I understand that sometimes I can’t be there/they meet after work when I’m not in the city and just that they have an individual friendship independent of our group friendship... you can have both a group and individual friendships with all of these friends.

MichelleScarn · 03/06/2021 23:26

Do they know each other without you? Could/would they meet up without you facilitating it?

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:29

I am sorry you've been left out on the past @gracefull - the reason is because my closest group of friends is a 3 and it got to a point where none of us met one on one without the other person as though it would be insulting. If one person couldn't join us meet ups would constantly be postponed put of politeness to the person who couldn't make it. And it affects the dynamics of the individual friendships.

In this case woman C has only kept in touch me since she left the group, she hasn't kept in touch with the others. I'm sorry but I don't want her to join as a group. She is a good bit younger and it creates a different dynamic. I am happy to meet her one on one as we have been doing.

I find this interesting @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba. I do, I find it totally overwhelming. I have always valued one on one meet ups or 3 people at most. It is just how I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:30

No @MichelleScarn. Woman C has not kept on touch with woman A and B at all since she left the group over a year ago. So I would be the facilitator.

As I said, I'm much happier meeting her one on one and am a bit annoyed she asked to join us in future. Rightly or wrongly

OP posts:

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/06/2021 23:35

@gracefull

you don't have to understand her anxiety.
she just doesn't want a big group
also it's not about you.
I've been left out plenty of times. so what? it's not unkind to want to be with x amount of people without adding others who change the group dynamic.
you don't need to criticise OP for something perfectly normal and common.
we don't always have to include everyone!

if she feels uncomfortable with a bigger group then her feelings are valid.
the other 3 can meet up without her or whatever. she can still see friend C on her own.
but forcing a bigger meeting than what's comfortable is just pointless

gracefull · 03/06/2021 23:43

@Lizzie523 would you be able to have a conversation with the group explaining that while you appreciate spending time as a 3, it is also important for you guys to be able to meet up in smaller numbers and not take offence to this? I wonder whether this agreement has come out of assumption or been explicitly enforced? Sorry that you feel that way though and are in that situation. It sounds challenging but if they are good friends you should be able to communicate about it! Just this weekend I wasn’t able to meet my 2 friends and they went without me. We just talk about it clearly so no offence is caused.
I can understand your feelings and of course don’t encourage you to do anything you don’t wish to do. However, I’d just encourage you to think about woman C’s own circumstances and why she has asked to meet up. Just a bit of light from my perspective, I am someone who knows a lot of people but is rarely invite to things (people have said before they assume I am with my other friends!) and I have spent a lot of time alone this last year. I was in a similar situation where I asked a friend to he included in a group meet up and another member of the group said they did not want me there because of their own social anxieties. While I empathised with that person and depersonalised it, it was hard for me and a younger version of myself would have taken things very personally. I was very isolated at that time and made harder by knowing they were out enjoying a day out with my friends. Of course, I know her situation might not be anything like mine. I don’t think the people who excluded me saw things from my point of view and being included makes a big difference for some people. It’s a shame it has to be so complicated x

MMMarmite · 03/06/2021 23:44

They're absolutely no reason why a bigger group meet-up should prevent one-on-ones. I like groups but also do one-on-ones with the people I'm close to within them.

I think you should be assertive about preferring small meetups.

Also does friend C really want to all meet up, or was she just saying it to be polite? If you just leave it for now, she might forget about it?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/06/2021 23:51

@Lizzie523

I totally get it. I suffer from anxiety too so I totally understand that part.
mine is not social anxiety though, but still there are some combo of people I just don't feel as comfortable with as others.

if you don't want to do it then don't do it.
and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for refusing to do something that triggers/worsens your anxiety.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:52

I think the point is @MMMarmite that woman C was never friends with woman A or B when she was part of the group. She seems to be quite happy with our one on ones but it is like she saw us together and suddenly felt she had to be part of it.

Thanks for understanding @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba. I really dislike group meet ups, which is why I always stick to one on ones or 3 people tops. Unless I am on a group hike or something. It is something I struggle with and don't really want to change that about myself. I have been comfortable with the friends I have up to now

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:55

There really is no good answer I can give to woman C asking if we can all meet as a group in future. The answer is - no. I value our friendship and enjoy catching up. But I don't want to add her to the overall group dynamic.

And there is no good way to say that!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:01

From what you've written her (which is obviously all I can go on) you sound a little bit controlling...almost like the boss?

You're perfectly within your rights to limit contact and have 1 to 1 friendships if everyone else agrees.

But hopefully the others (who obviously prefer a wider friendship circle), will go out together as a group and arrange that themselves.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:01

*here

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:03

@Lizzie523

And there is no good way to say that!

Why does she need you to do the adding?

Hopefully she'll sort her meet-ups herself or they'll sort it out with her.

Notonthestairs · 04/06/2021 00:03

I think you can continue meeting in whatever configuration suits you best.

As long as you know that they might choose differently and meet up as a 3 if they like that too.

idontlikealdi · 04/06/2021 00:04

@ZoeMaye

Not to much pressure on the other person then! I'd hate that.

MMMarmite · 04/06/2021 00:08

@Lizzie523

And there is no good way to say that!

I think the politest answer to C is "It's not for me thanks, I'm a huge introvert and really don't enjoy meeting up with more than 1 or 2 people at once. But would you like to go for a coffee just us two next week? If you want to meet the others without me go ahead, I can give you their number (assuming A and B would want this), I hope you all have fun"

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:13

No @WorraLiberty. That won't happen without me arranging it.

Woman C isn't friends with them individually, she is asking me to arrange it. I don't want to because we naturally weren't a group of friends when we volunteered together and I don't want to force it now.

Im not close friends with woman C the way I am with A and B. I like to meet her for the occasional coffee or lunch. I don't want it to be more than that. It isn't something I can say to her though - I think I'll just need to avoid answering somehow. I would actually rather not see her in future than add her to this group which seems extreme but it is how I feel!

OP posts:

SwedishEdith · 04/06/2021 00:13

Yes, just give her their numbers so she can contact. I do know what you mean though. Like a pp, I have a friendship group that has morphed into 'all of us or the event gets postponed'. And, sometimes, I'd really like to meet in different combinations because the dynamic or topics of conversation would change.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:19

The PP was me @SwedishEdith it's really annoying isn't it! I am concerned now that I won't get to see these friends one on one again. Woman B pushed for us to meet as a 3 and I think the expectation from now on will be we all meet together.

I can accept that because we get along well but I agree, I think you lose something if you can't ever meet 1 on 1 again. Maybe it's an introverted thing? I don't know.

OP posts:

Wishingwell75 · 04/06/2021 00:20

I appreciate you don't want the group dynamics to change but you might find that a group of 4 better balanced than the 3 of you.
You won't know until you try it.
I do think it's a bit mean to exclude friend C, as no-one likes rejection, do they.
She might not enjoy it and only come the once?
There is an undertone to your post that sounds to me that you are insecure about this friendship group and that is making you hold on tighter, to try and control things.
These women obviously enjoy your company, so much so that "C" wants to socialise with you too.
I appreciate you prefer 1 on 1's, but that really doesn't have to change.

Summerfun54321 · 04/06/2021 00:26

This all sounds really intense. I don’t understand why meeting in a group means you have to stop meeting 1 to 1 as well. I always meet friends 1 to 1 and don’t worry about not inviting everyone. If it’s rude and others get annoyed then I’ve never been told and never lost any friends over it. Just add this extra friend to the group, make your excuses to skip the group meetings and meet friends 1 to 1 instead.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:28

@Wishingwell75 We aren't excluding woman C. She left our volunteer group 1 1/2 years ago. She has only kept in touch with me. She has only asked to meet me until now. If she had never seen us all together, she would never asked for us all to meet.

I've thought about it and I don't want to invite her. I'm not sure how I'll frame it yet but that is how I feel. I don't feel there is an imbalance of 3 of us meeting that need to be balanced by s foursome - I've already said groups of 4/bigger groups don't work for me. That is just how it is.

I'm afraid once you have established a group situation it often does change things and like @SwedishEdith says, there becomes a pressure to invite everyone. That has been my general experience and I don't want it.

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