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Original poster

I don't want to keep adding friends to the group but don't want to be rude

66 replies

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:13

First of all I'm quite introverted. I'm part of a volunteer group where I befriended a few people especially 2 women in particular. I have often met one on one with woman A and woman B and I really value our friendships. Lately woman B asked if we could all meet as a 3 for a change and I said sure (although I was apprehensive about how it would change the dynamic). We all had a nice time and will meet again as a group. I do feel it probably spells the end of my 1 on 1s with each of them though. Is that silly?!

However another person that left the group long ago, woman C (who I also meet one on one for coffee sometimes) saw us together in the passing and asked if the 4 of us can all meet together soon and you know what? I don't want to.

I prefer to meet up with people one on one and I don't want it to become a big group thing. I've accepted that it is going to be 3 of us meeting from now on as it is but I really don't want to add this 4th person to the mix - who is a nice person but very quiet and doesn't fit with the dynamic imo. I love meeting her one on one. How would you respond to that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 01:04

Ok this is how I see it @Pumpkintopf -

Woman A, and B did not exchange contact details with woman C when she left and vice versa. Imo this is because they didn't click or strike up a friendship when they knew each other.

Woman A and B are lovely people. If I tell them woman C wants to meet, they are unlikely to say 'no' because they are such nice people and will feel they should meet her out of obligation. And Im obligating them by passing along the message!

Like I said us other women are in our 30s and we click well. Woman C is in her early 20s and we just didn't click the same way. I don't want her to feel left out - but I don't want to make this into a group thing either

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 01:05

@AGirlsGotToDo I just saw woman C last weekend. I spent a whole day with her. She was doing well. I spent a good amount of time with her.

I'm really really sorry but I don't want to add her to this more established friend group.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 04/06/2021 01:06

I didn’t say you were being difficult, you assumed I meant that. I said it sounds intense. You’ve posted asking how to exclude someone without being rude and I think you’ll find it very difficult. Your friend has asked to be included and whatever you say is going to sound rude. My suggestion was to add them to the group and don’t go along. Doesn’t mean you can’t still meet the other 3 by yourself or keep one to one meet ups going. But if you actively exclude a friend who wants to be included purely for your own convenience, it is rude.

AGirlsGotToDo · 04/06/2021 01:07

[quote Lizzie523]@AGirlsGotToDo I just saw woman C last weekend. I spent a whole day with her. She was doing well. I spent a good amount of time with her.

I'm really really sorry but I don't want to add her to this more established friend group.[/quote]
Then tell her to her face? You just said I wouldn't but you're not!

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 01:11

@whiteroseredrose

I don't think the OP is coming across as a Queen Bee in the slightest. And yes she has already said that it is about her and her own issues with different groups.

If person C had wanted to be friends with A and B she could have when they all volunteered together. But she didn't. She could have kept in touch after she left. But she didn't. She isn't that bothered about them. Only that the OP was having fun without her.

Equally if A and B particularly liked C they could have been friends and 'had fun' together yonks ago. But they didn't. They aren't that bothered about her either.

What they all want to do is meet up with the OP, which they do. B wants to meet up with A as well but at no point, as far as we know, have A and B wanted to meet up with C.

So the ball really is in the OP's court. And she doesn't want to meet as a 4.

And in A and B's shoes I'd be pissed off if the OP gave C our phone numbers with the expectation that we meet up with her without the OP.

So OP, in your shoes, I'd be honest and if C asks again, say that you don't like big groups and 4 starts to get unwieldy. However it would be great to meet for lunch on x date.

People witter on about 'be kind', especially to women. But usually this means be self sacrificing. Put up with being unhappy yourself so that someone else is happy. So no. We shouldn't constantly put ourselves last.

Right, I'll get off my soapbox now.

I am glad I posted for your response alone!

You have completely nailed the situation and how I feel exactly - thank you. I think we actually cross posted there when I was talking about how the others might feel they need to engage with woman C out of obligation. Very likely.

A PP is telling me to do the nice thing and you know what? You are right. Women are always being told to be nice. I'm tired of it. I'll live how I want to live. Thanks again.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 04/06/2021 01:13

Lizzie523 I'm sick of it too.

Wishingwell75 · 04/06/2021 01:23

So these friends are quite new then Op? You moved to a new country, started volunteering, met 3 people you get on with and now restrictions are lifting you are able to get together and have a nice time - in various configurations - group size wise! That actually makes you very fortunate and you must have qualities that are not coming across on here.
Considering that you are actually really good in new situations I don't know why you don't just try the 4 of you getting together just once. Maybe you'd really enjoy it!
You could make it it just for a quick coffee to reintroduce C to the others.
I know you say she didn't bother with them but maybe her friendship with you has given her confidence and now she feels like she could socialise more.
Nothing inherently good or bad about being an extrovert or an introvert, but in my experience introverts can be misunderstood and feel left out, here is an opportunity to include someone at no cost to yourself OP.
If you or A and/or B don't like the addition of C - it never needs to be repeated.

Justilou1 · 04/06/2021 03:16

That doesn’t mean that the OP is obligated to stretch herself to putting in the energy to carry C along and try and create a quad from a trio. I can actually see how the dynamic would change completely. I can see the uncomfortable situation you have been placed in @Lizzie523. While she’s nice enough, she will probably disappear and go and “play with kids her own age” as soon as she meets some anyway. There is a good chance that you three are just convenient, post-lockdown social fillers until something better comes along anyway, or she WOULD have swapped numbers with the other two ladies from the time she left....

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/06/2021 03:37

I'm an anxious introvert like you OP and absolutely hate meeting in groups, I find it very stressful. No advice but can totally see where you're coming from.

BreedingOinkers · 04/06/2021 03:49

Then tell her. Say ‘you’re not invited, I don’t want you there’. Which is the truth. Say it to her face, as you advised another poster to do upthread

JMAngel1 · 04/06/2021 08:21

I've never really understood how a bigger group is more challenging? Surely a 1 to 1 puts more focus on introverted/social anxiety people to engage and perform as it were. That spotlight is diluted with the addition of more people to carry the "social torch".
I always feel like the more the merrier and a group of 4 lends itself to breakout 1 to 1s much more easily than a trio.

OhSayWhat · 04/06/2021 09:50

I get the anxiety of group meet ups. I’m the same. But unfortunately we also have to accept that others are different.

I would keep meeting A and B as a group of 3 and individually and just don’t organise for C to join but still meet her individually. Sometimes these things can be smoothed over without big declarations and confessions. Just say “yes, we must all get together sometime” and don’t rush to organise it. It’s not your responsibility to coordinate everyone’s social lives anyway.

OhSayWhat · 04/06/2021 09:55

@JMAngel1

I've never really understood how a bigger group is more challenging? Surely a 1 to 1 puts more focus on introverted/social anxiety people to engage and perform as it were. That spotlight is diluted with the addition of more people to carry the "social torch". I always feel like the more the merrier and a group of 4 lends itself to breakout 1 to 1s much more easily than a trio.
You don’t have to understand it. For me, and I’m not speaking for the OP, it’s about big groups requiring a lot more small talk and chit chat than you can have one on one. With individual catch ups you can really discuss the detail of things, if you want to. With larger groups I’m always (overly?) conscious of people feeling uncomfortable talking about a situation in front of one person and not another in the group. There’s also a lot of filling people in on what two people may already know about but the third person doesn’t. It’s all just hard!
MichelleScarn · 04/06/2021 10:29

Just out of interest OP, is C ever mentioned at the AB catch ups, if she was would you say she wanted a catch up or just side step it?

Summergarden · 04/06/2021 21:27

I get where you’re coming from OP.

It sounds like you get some sort of social anxiety with more than 3 people socialising at a time.

Perhaps express it that way to friend C- that you enjoy spending time with her but you feel at your limit social anxiety wise seeing A and B together, so you would love to keep seeing her but on a 1:1 basis.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. You’re obviously a kind person if you’re doing volunteer work in the first place.

DriedIris · 04/06/2021 21:43

@TeachesOfPeaches

I'm an anxious introvert like you OP and absolutely hate meeting in groups, I find it very stressful. No advice but can totally see where you're coming from.

Agreed.

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