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Original poster

I don't want to keep adding friends to the group but don't want to be rude

66 replies

Lizzie523 · 03/06/2021 23:13

First of all I'm quite introverted. I'm part of a volunteer group where I befriended a few people especially 2 women in particular. I have often met one on one with woman A and woman B and I really value our friendships. Lately woman B asked if we could all meet as a 3 for a change and I said sure (although I was apprehensive about how it would change the dynamic). We all had a nice time and will meet again as a group. I do feel it probably spells the end of my 1 on 1s with each of them though. Is that silly?!

However another person that left the group long ago, woman C (who I also meet one on one for coffee sometimes) saw us together in the passing and asked if the 4 of us can all meet together soon and you know what? I don't want to.

I prefer to meet up with people one on one and I don't want it to become a big group thing. I've accepted that it is going to be 3 of us meeting from now on as it is but I really don't want to add this 4th person to the mix - who is a nice person but very quiet and doesn't fit with the dynamic imo. I love meeting her one on one. How would you respond to that?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:29

All we're hearing about is YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU.

Hopefully those who enjoy a wider circle will be able to sort that without you and you can carry on doing 'you'.

I don't think it'll be a problem really and you can help by putting them all in touch with one another.

Everyone's a winner then.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:32

This is ridiculous though @Summerfun54321. Why would I 'just add this extra friend' and make it something that I then feel I have to skip out on?

If I don't arrange this group meet up, it will never happen. If I avoid the subject woman C may decide not to meet up with me again I suppose? But I'd rather take that chance than create this forced group meet up going toward.

If that makes me 'intense' or difficult then so be it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:34

@WorraLiberty well the thread is about my life situation so yes, it is. We are all entitled to our preferences. I can appreciate you may have a different preference as someone who sounds like an extrovert - I don't find bigger groups easy.

It's a shame you can't appreciate people might feel comfortable in different situations.

OP posts:

FierceBarrie · 04/06/2021 00:35

I am naturally shy (with people I don’t know well), and so this is why I much prefer group socialising. I find one-on-ones a bit too intense. And, I admit it, really nowhere near as much fun.

You have your preference.

And other people have theirs.

By all means, let your preference dictate the ongoing arrangements. No need to cater to other people’s, is there?

Hopefully the other three can make their own arrangements, and get together and have fun.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:35

You are coming across as a bit intense and difficult but mostly as insecure.

Almost as though having more than a few women in the group might topple your 'queen bee' position?

Put those who don't mind group meet-ups in touch with one another and keep your own personal meet-ups as 1 to 1's if they're happy to meet you like that.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:37

[quote Lizzie523]@WorraLiberty well the thread is about my life situation so yes, it is. We are all entitled to our preferences. I can appreciate you may have a different preference as someone who sounds like an extrovert - I don't find bigger groups easy.

It's a shame you can't appreciate people might feel comfortable in different situations.[/quote]
I can completely appreciate that but it sounds as though you can't?

If these women are really friends of yours, they'll be happy to meet each other as a group and equally as happy to meet you on a one to one basis.

What's not to like?

gracefull · 04/06/2021 00:38

You are excluding her because she’s asking to be included and you’re saying no... which is an exclusion. She probably didn’t know you spent time together until she saw you together. It is all coming across very mean girls/you can’t sit with us from you at this point. You think you’re the most important part of the dynamic and you’re the boss/can decide who is and isn’t allowed to hang out with your friends. Sad.
@Summerfun54321’s suggestion, which you call ridiculous, is clearly intended so that the other person here, who you’re intent on excluding, is included and feels valued. But all you can see is YOU. Having your needs met. It’s like your blind to anything else anyone says except comments that validate your perspective.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:38

@WorraLiberty you've really got the wrong end of the stick. I'm nowhere near any kind of 'queen bee'.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:40

Well despite your protests, you are coming across as a queen bee and very much 'I want you all to meet me individually but don't you dare form a friendship group without me'.

It sounds rather school yard I'm afraid.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:42

Well you know what @gracefull ?

I moved to this country shortly before the pandemic and it took me a long time to find friends I clicked with. I am happy with the friends and dynamics I now have. If they need me to arrange meet ups for them, what does that tell you?

That they aren't friends enough in the first place to meet of their own accord. Whenever I meet woman C, she never asks about woman A or B. she thinks she should be included just because. You know what? Not everyone has to be included all the time. That's life. Sometimes I'm left out of meet ups for whatever reason. I don't want to make this into a group thing and that is valid too.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:44

I don't want to make this into a group thing and that is valid too.

But they might?

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:47

@WorraLiberty how come they haven't been in touch then since woman C left a year and a half ago? Because they aren't friends. But I'm being asked to arrange this.

I'm not a flipping queen bee. I get anxious in group situations. I'm happy with the dynamics as they are. Do I compartmentalise a bit? Yes I probably do. But I feel comfortable and happy with small groups or 1 on 1s only.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:50

That's absolutely fine that you feel happy with smaller groups.

There's no need to arrange anything. Just put them in touch with one another and they can make their own group arrangements.

Drama over.

AGirlsGotToDo · 04/06/2021 00:51

I wouldn't want to be your friend. It all sounds very school playground. Your are supposed to be an adult!!

burritofan · 04/06/2021 00:52

Just say, “Oh, A and B would love to see you I’m sure! I’ll put you in touch with each other and you can arrange something. Count me out of big group meet-ups though – I’m happiest one-on-one and to be honest, even three feels a crowd. Shall you and I have lunch next week?”

Obviously ask A and B first. And when you do, it’s a good opportunity to say to each of them, separately, “I don’t know if you know this but I’m a huge introvert, and the thought of our group getting bigger is making me anxious. As well as meeting as 3 sometimes, could we also see each other one to one?”

Like it or not you are excluding this woman now that she’s asked to be involved – it takes guts to ask! But rather than just avoiding the topic, or her, explain you hate groups. Your anxiety about the idea of a foursome is, I think, bleeding over into anxiety about explaining.

AGirlsGotToDo · 04/06/2021 00:52

*you

Justilou1 · 04/06/2021 00:53

Just agree and keep forgetting. She’ll get the message.

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:55

@AGirlsGotToDo

I wouldn't want to be your friend. It all sounds very school playground. Your are supposed to be an adult!!

I forgot how unkind people on Mumsnet can be. How people will just happily mouth off, making sweeping nasty statements like 'I wouldn't want to be your friend.' Who do some posters actually think they are? Would you say this kind of thing to a person's face?

It really shocks me. You don't know what mental struggles people are going through and costs you nothing at all to not be nasty.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:56

@Justilou1

Just agree and keep forgetting. She’ll get the message.

Or why not do the decent thing and ask if they all want to be put in touch with each other?

Original poster

Lizzie523 · 04/06/2021 00:56

@Justilou1 I think this might be solid advice.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2021 00:57

It really shocks me. You don't know what mental struggles people are going through and costs you nothing at all to not be nasty.

And nor do you, so wouldn't it be nice if you asked them all if they want you to pass their phone numbers on?

Pumpkintopf · 04/06/2021 00:59

This is good advice I think from burritofan -

gracefull · 04/06/2021 00:59

You don’t have to go to a group meet up. But that doesn’t mean the woman cannot be friends with your other friends. Her meeting A and B isn’t dependent on you.

Marmite drafted you a lovely message to send. Burritofan has just offered you an alternative. You can pass a message onto the group that woman c has been in touch and would like to meet - so these other adult women can make their own friendship choices.

You are now telling other posters that they don’t know what struggles you’re going through and to be kind. I agree completely and that’s what I’ve been trying to say to you about your friend! She might need friendships Rn hence the request!! Hence why we are encouraging you to include her, even if you don’t include yourself.

whiteroseredrose · 04/06/2021 01:00

I don't think the OP is coming across as a Queen Bee in the slightest. And yes she has already said that it is about her and her own issues with different groups.

If person C had wanted to be friends with A and B she could have when they all volunteered together. But she didn't. She could have kept in touch after she left. But she didn't. She isn't that bothered about them. Only that the OP was having fun without her.

Equally if A and B particularly liked C they could have been friends and 'had fun' together yonks ago. But they didn't. They aren't that bothered about her either.

What they all want to do is meet up with the OP, which they do. B wants to meet up with A as well but at no point, as far as we know, have A and B wanted to meet up with C.

So the ball really is in the OP's court. And she doesn't want to meet as a 4.

And in A and B's shoes I'd be pissed off if the OP gave C our phone numbers with the expectation that we meet up with her without the OP.

So OP, in your shoes, I'd be honest and if C asks again, say that you don't like big groups and 4 starts to get unwieldy. However it would be great to meet for lunch on x date.

People witter on about 'be kind', especially to women. But usually this means be self sacrificing. Put up with being unhappy yourself so that someone else is happy. So no. We shouldn't constantly put ourselves last.

Right, I'll get off my soapbox now.

AGirlsGotToDo · 04/06/2021 01:03

Really? @Lizzie523 all I've heard is you explaining why you don't want someone in your friendship group. You don't know what mental state friend C is in. This could be just what she needs right now.

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