On holiday with DH who doesn't do change well and has social and communication difficulties. Can anyone give me tips as I am finding it very stressful?

[tinseloatcake]

I had some useful tips on a previous thread but I didn't manage to read them in time. I'm finding things really difficult as I'm on holiday with my husband who is proving very difficult to have a nice time with .

He pulls his weight at home because we have worked out a system where he has some very regimented jobs but it just falls apart when we are away. We end up in an argument every 10 seconds.

He cannot keep the children safe while cycling, let alone pack a picnic or jolly them along when some one falls off etc. He cannot read a map on the go.

He gets really annoyed by me if I ask him to do things but says he is willing to help, and I generally think he is. But I find it baffling. My latest example is we got back from aforementioned long bike ride and everyone is hot and sweaty. He said I might go and fix the fridge. I said can you get everyone a big drink first, he started to re arrange all the chairs. I was can you get everyone a drink - and he says I am, I'm just making the chairs all nice ... So I get the drinks and he is annoyed with me.

Please give me tips. I am genuinely thinking about getting stuck into the booze to dull my frustration with it. But it is not constructive. If you offered something on the previous thread I didn't get to read and digest so I would be grateful for more help.

Thank you

crack open the wine.

Seriously, think about tomorrow, what do you wnat him to do?
tell him now, remind him at bedtime, and at breakfast.

It sounds liek you need ot give him instructions.

Personally that would kill my relationship, but you are where you are and so you have to deal with what you have.

He doesn't like last minute events, so plan tomorrow now, he doesn't like the unexpected, so tell him now what you want, he doesn't plan well, so give him instructions, he doesn't do initiative, so give him the jobs which don't require him to think on the run.

Divorce him and find someone who can think for themselves who doesn’t need constant direction

Must be exhausting

I've opened the 🍷. I feel like I have found legitimacy in your permission :)

I've also found solace in my 9yo who has helped me cook tea without any real effort on either of our parts.

It isn't me, I am sure it's not.

I usually dislike it when posters play the autism card, but he is showing typical traits for autism. Has he ever been assessed?

Is there more at play here? This is how I imagine my autistic teenager might be when he grows up. It’s difficult as his mum, I’m not sure I could handle it in a partner tbh. It sounds like you’re frustrated of the mental load. I had to explain to my husband (who tbh I’ve suspected may also be on the spectrum) that by making me tell him what to do, however willing he is to do it, it’s still me doing the thinking and worrying.

Cross post x

Has your DH been assessed for autism?

Is he employed? Has he ever had these sorts of problems at work, or has he been able to hold down a job by doing whatever is needed when it is needed?

He might have got drinks if you hadn't got impatient...

(I have been on both ends of this)

Right this is a holiday with a disabled person. Think what is achievable with his disability. You need to lower your expectations.

Give yourself some slack. What can he do? Give him tasks he can do. Think what else can be cut out.

You probably need to do planning and definitely safety.

Ex gets to carry stuff when we are away. He makes coffee. He took one child for a walk within sight and now child is older can take child for walks etc. He has done chasing a bolting child.

Can he sous chef?
Can he play board games with the kids while you read/relax
Can he fetch chips for tea?

Does he drive?

I drive, ex reads maps. Otherwise I'm puking and he is cross.

Play to your strengths.

He does have a job. He is a manager. He is heavily directed in his work though so not very autonomous there.

I have had my arse handed to me for suggesting he might be on the spectrum but his nephew is diagnosed echp with autism and nephews father,DH brother is undiagnosed but almost certainly had it , according to many, not just me.

He is generally kind and willing but just doesn't seem to get it. I guess I help him copebecuase the every day tasks I give him are very set text. Like pack swimming kit, check there are 5 swimsuits and 5 goggles. He wouldn't recognise this at all if I pointed it out

For full disclosure I may be controlling. But I can't tell for sure as I don't have a point of reference.

He has picked up on my displeasure and is washing up. He has asked my advice 3 times..

My DH is like this. Drives me nuts. His dad and nephew are diagnosed autistic though. Dh could be on the spectrum or he could just be someone who struggles with seeing what other people’s needs are, with social interaction and change. Either way, I know he doesn’t do it on purpose.

This sounds painfully familiar Our holidays are often spoilt by DH being vague and disconnected, and me being frustrated and sad. And it's really hard to explain to him what's wrong. Fwiw my H has always believed he is autistic but isn't interested in getting a diagnosis.

I have no advice other than try to lower your expectations, and have a drink. Solidarity

My DH is like this and holidays are difficult. There’s no collaboration and no sense of a shared venture. Holidays are harder I think because of the lack of normal routine and so there are too many unexpected events to navigate. It is extra tricky at the stage you’re at, with young DC who need to be kept safe and to be entertained.

And it’s all very well trying to plan each day minutely, but for one thing it’s exhausting and secondly it’s not easy to predict what’s going to crop up.

Handhold for you @tinseloatcake

And another vote for lowering expectation as far as possible and where ever possibly avoiding in to recover things (subject to safety etc)

It's only fair to say that my DSis, who loved her job as a primary school teacher is much more successful than I am at taking this advice, excellent though it may be.

Why does he need to fix a fridge on holiday?

If he said he was going to fix the fridge why have you asked him to do a different task first? What were you doing? Couldn't you get your own drink?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Why does he need to fix a fridge on holiday?

If he said he was going to fix the fridge why have you asked him to do a different task first? What were you doing? Couldn't you get your own drink?

...but he didn't do either, he faffed about with chairs.

..but he didn't do either, he faffed about with chairs

So?

I sometimes say to dh "ooh I might just pop and put a load of laundry in" or similar then find something else to do instead.

I do the laundry later or after doing something else.

He appears to just be finding something to do to pass his time, then found something else to pass his time with instead.

@RampantIvy

I usually dislike it when posters play the autism card, but he is showing typical traits for autism. Has he ever been assessed?

I think that's a good call.

I was reading this thinking it sounds like my 16 yo ds - who is autistic.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Would you say that you would go and get your tired, hot and thirsty kids a drink but then go and rearrange furniture instead?

Caravan fridge. I have been asking him to see if he can find out what is wrong with it since we arrived 3 days ago. He broke earlier before we went out and I said I was annoyed he hadn't looked at it until then.

I can get my own drink, I don't know why I should be responsible for the kids' while he fucks off round the back of the van for however long he likes. Me having got every single drink and meal so far.

I wouldn't go on a self catering holiday with him. Either go alone (because it will be more relaxing) or go for all inclusive holidays where he doesn't need to do anything, and you don't have to factor in sorting restaurants everyone is happy with etc.

He sounds like he can't cope with thinking. Have you asked him if likes holidays? What would he like to do differently and does he understand why you were annoyed?

@margoskaftan - I have asked him and he says I need to communicate more clearly...

He is a manager. He is heavily directed in his work though so not very autonomous there.
A manger who needs heavy managing? What would be the point of such a position?

OK so he remembered you wanted him to fix the fridge and obviously had it in his head when he got in from the bike ride to fix the fridge. You know he doesn't do change well, that was a change.

Why are you asking him to fix the fridge on holiday? Seriously, day 1, you notice its not working, call the company you have rented the cottage off to fix it.

You have married someone you think has issues. You are setting him up to fail. Stop it. Either work round his issues or look at separating. Or just don't holiday together. Do you like his company?