On holiday with DH who doesn't do change well and has social and communication difficulties. Can anyone give me tips as I am finding it very stressful?

[tinseloatcake]

I had some useful tips on a previous thread but I didn't manage to read them in time. I'm finding things really difficult as I'm on holiday with my husband who is proving very difficult to have a nice time with .

He pulls his weight at home because we have worked out a system where he has some very regimented jobs but it just falls apart when we are away. We end up in an argument every 10 seconds.

He cannot keep the children safe while cycling, let alone pack a picnic or jolly them along when some one falls off etc. He cannot read a map on the go.

He gets really annoyed by me if I ask him to do things but says he is willing to help, and I generally think he is. But I find it baffling. My latest example is we got back from aforementioned long bike ride and everyone is hot and sweaty. He said I might go and fix the fridge. I said can you get everyone a big drink first, he started to re arrange all the chairs. I was can you get everyone a drink - and he says I am, I'm just making the chairs all nice ... So I get the drinks and he is annoyed with me.

Please give me tips. I am genuinely thinking about getting stuck into the booze to dull my frustration with it. But it is not constructive. If you offered something on the previous thread I didn't get to read and digest so I would be grateful for more help.

Thank you

I’m not sure I can add anything worthwhile but I can share the perspective of having to organise holidays with a ds with asd (he’s only 12 though).

No surprises- we plan ahead and give at least 12 hours notice of plans. We have to be clear about contingencies (eg we will go to X if the weather is good).

Familiar places- Ds is so much happier and relaxed when we revisit places. Sadly dh is equally drawn to novel experiences. The caravan is a great way to balance novel and familiar (we have a motor home for this reason).

Hit the high points of routines- generally everything goes better if we eat at similar intervals to home, and if sleep runs along the same lines. It can feel a bit stifling, but it’s worth the sacrifice.

Super clear communication - So I would have said, “can you get the drinks first, then tidy the chairs”. I have to be clear to a point where I feel rude. Or spell out the ambiguity “I just said the opposite of what I really meant.”

One of the suggestions about autism is that people on the spectrum lack a theory of mind (highly debated but it’s a useful starting point), so they don’t think about other people’s perspective (eg that the dc would be thirsty after a bike ride). They often assume that what bothers them will bother everyone. Misaligned chairs could be a serious irritant, that’s more pressing than thirst.

I don’t know if any of that is useful. It’s not easy being dm to a dc with asd, and I don’t know if successful relationships or marriage are in his future. I have huge sympathy for your situation.

Looking at adults in our families who are not diagnosed but who I suspect are also on the spectrum (including my df) I’d echo what a pp said about it being easier as the dc grow up a bit.

How do the children find him?

Morning all

Just to note he wasn't fixated on the chairs, he just thought that was a logical step to getting the drinks. I don't know why, but if he had said - yes sure, I'll move these ready, then I'd have known he was indeed about to get the drinks. But he doesn't tend to acknowledge a request.

The kids find him frustrating from time to time although the love him. They patiently explain things but they do get annoyed if he doesn't get it, or doesn't follow a simple request. He also clashes with the eldest as she is quite adaptable, so solves problems but he wants to be the parent.

Eg one of his jobs at home is to give a snakc at 3pm. Itsi apples. If there are no apples he doesn't know what to give particularly. DD might suggest something. He won't know if that is suitable. They get into a row. The answer is it sometimes is suitable, sometimes isn't. Eg oranges = suitable, biscuits = might be suitable depending on what else they have had, cake kids made themselves = probably suitable as nice to reward kids effort by eating it, but not if they have already had it... etc etc Result is recourse to me or an argument between DD and dh. I quite often come back from another room and someone is arguing with DH. Maybe I keep the peace a lot, maybe I take the load off him. Either way he hasn't read the books about communicating effectively with children so I can only assume it is not a priority for him.

I couldn't live in a home where the snack was scheduled down to the exact time and item.

It sounds quite stressful for the children and like they're having to assume a parentified role at times?

@tinseloatcake

Morning all

Just to note he wasn't fixated on the chairs, he just thought that was a logical step to getting the drinks. I don't know why, but if he had said - yes sure, I'll move these ready, then I'd have known he was indeed about to get the drinks. But he doesn't tend to acknowledge a request.

The kids find him frustrating from time to time although the love him. They patiently explain things but they do get annoyed if he doesn't get it, or doesn't follow a simple request. He also clashes with the eldest as she is quite adaptable, so solves problems but he wants to be the parent.

Eg one of his jobs at home is to give a snakc at 3pm. Itsi apples. If there are no apples he doesn't know what to give particularly. DD might suggest something. He won't know if that is suitable. They get into a row. The answer is it sometimes is suitable, sometimes isn't. Eg oranges = suitable, biscuits = might be suitable depending on what else they have had, cake kids made themselves = probably suitable as nice to reward kids effort by eating it, but not if they have already had it... etc etc Result is recourse to me or an argument between DD and dh. I quite often come back from another room and someone is arguing with DH. Maybe I keep the peace a lot, maybe I take the load off him. Either way he hasn't read the books about communicating effectively with children so I can only assume it is not a priority for him.

Hmm, it sounds like you are very very different. Your way sounds very regimented. I honestly can't even imagine having a set snack at a set time, not that it's bad just that it's so far from what I find my normal.

Would it help if you considered that your way is probably ultra organised and probably not the norm either? I don't mean this as a criticism, just that maybe you're setting the goal posts too far.

He cannot read a map on the go

What exactly does that mean? I don’t think I could do that either and I don’t have any traits of autism! Can you read a map on the go and if so, why don’t you do it?

What were you and the kids doing whilst you were telling him to get you drinks?

I have to say your rules around what is and isn’t ok for a 3pm snack appear very complex-it may be that he’s right-communication isn’t great.

How did you two get past the dating stage? I'll admit I'm quite fussy, but if I was dating a guy who couldn't do basic tasks like washing up or making a toastie, we wouldn't have got very far. And then your first weekend away - how did he cope? I'm not being snarky just wondering if he put on a front for a few years?

My OH asks me how many shopping bags he should take when he goes to get groceries... some men just need a lot of reassurance

The snackthing isn't my plan. It is a solution to him not remembering unless it is a fixed thing. Otherwise they just don't get one or it is up to me. And sometimes I go out!

He seems have raised his hand considerably today and I now remember it is the start of the holiday he doesn't manage, he gets into the swing eventually.

Re reading the map I don't mean while driving! But he fails to follow the sat nav often, so I do have to sit in the passenger seat saying right here etc from time to time. I mean he can't look at a map and know that it is straight on for a bit then right then a long bit. For example. He remembers straight on for a bit then sometimes misses the turn right because it isn't in his head that he is looking for a right turn. I've also noticed he can't do this toddler task of 3 things - put your shoes on, then get your coat and stand by the door"

But he does try and has really upped his game today. He is bringing tea as well.

Re reading the map I don't mean while driving! But he fails to follow the sat nav often, so I do have to sit in the passenger seat saying right here etc from time to time

If he struggles with that but you don’t, why don’t you drive?

You sound a very odd couple! Perhaps separate holidays for the future?

I think if he has these problems then it would be fair to plan around them and choose an easy holiday where he has little to do of the things he finds difficult. A caravan holiday with lots of organising kids and different excursions may not work well for him. It is a holiday so you can arrange something that works better.

@GlutenFreeGingerCake

I think if he has these problems then it would be fair to plan around them and choose an easy holiday where he has little to do of the things he finds difficult. A caravan holiday with lots of organising kids and different excursions may not work well for him. It is a holiday so you can arrange something that works better.

I agree! If eg driving and navigating is really hard for him but the OP does this with ease, then she could do that instead.

It sounds like a hell of a lot of work to be constantly adjusting around him surely? Isnt that just enabling him?

You have to play to your strengths in a couple sometimes. Better drivers drive. Better navigators navigate. Sometimes the best one can do both.

This isn’t helpful but I’m just aghast. How can you have sex with this useless person?

I also bet he doesn’t have ‘social communication’ issues at work because with the lack of common sense you are describing he’d be sacked in ten minutes.

He’s useless because you’ll do it and he can’t be bothered

All this pandering will just create a mother-son dynamic

I'm finding it hard getting past the snack thing
Surely if kids need a snack they ask for one / take one?

If he struggles with that but you don’t, why don’t you drive?

Because she already does EVERY fucking other thing in their life

Sorry I've read that back and it sounds as if I've missed the whole point. I haven't. Your DH is Autistic.
I really do get it but I've brought up many children. If they want a biscuit / crisps/ fruit whatever they have it as long as it's not too near a meal time. It all sounded so strange and I'm not surprised your DH doesn't think in the way you do. Im not Autistic and it doesn't enter my head to think about whether a cake is homemade or Kipling

Does he actually have a diagnosis of ASD? Surely this needs to actually be investigated before just working on the assumption?

Because she already does EVERY fucking other thing in their life

There is no need to be rude.

The OP has said her husband works and pulls his weight at home. The only problems are on holidays about which she has posted asking for tips, one of which could be that if he finds navigating and driving at once difficult, then to find a better way. My DH struggles with the sat Nav when driving, so he tends to drive and I navigate-that works for us. I presume the OP is looking for ways to make things better?

The kids find him frustrating from time to time although the love him. They patiently explain things but they do get annoyed if he doesn't get it, or doesn't follow a simple request. He also clashes with the eldest as she is quite adaptable, so solves problems but he wants to be the parent.

I know you've said he has social and communication difficulties, but you're making him sound like one of your children and it doesn't sound like your kids have much respect for him either.
Annoyed at him not following simple requests, eh? The same kids who have their 3pm apple doled out to them?
I'm starting to feel quite sorry for the poor bugger, to be honest. You don't sound too easy to live with yourself.

I think your expectations are making him a lot more nervous and a lot more useless as a result. That isn't to say you are to blame, but you are contributing to the poor communication.

My dad, DH and DD all have autism, so it's half the people I love (although my dad is not formally diagnosed, he actually fits the stereotypes more than the other two). I used to be a little curt with DH, like you are, until DD was diagnosed and I realised I was willing to really learn about it for her sake. Nothing your DH is doing is deliberately to annoy you, or because he doesn't care. He faffed with the chairs for a bit of control, like a repetitive task to calm himself, because your issuing incomplete orders stressed him out.

Also, would his way always be that wrong - you weren't going to die if you waited 30 seconds for a drink, the odd "unsuitable," snack isn't going to lead to a lifetime of obesity. Give him a bit more rope, and let the odd thing go. I have great memories of completely hairbrained things my dad did with us, that would make a someone more controlling combust, it didn't ruin my childhood in any way and I learned to have different expectations with him. He was like the dad in Honey I shrunk the Kids. My mum just laughed at most of it, and I can honestly say that my favourite trait in DH is that he surprises me and is so clever in a completely different way to me.

If DH went to fix the fridge, I would not present the drinks as related in some way to his comment. To you, the order of priority is an obvious link, to him he might think you mean take some drinks out the fridge before fixing it or it just feels like two things he now has to hold in his head. I would say "we're really hot after that bike ride, can you please bring us a drink first before you fix the fridge, so we won't be in your way." That explains why and when you want the drink, and is logical, and fits into the structure he is already holding in his head around going to the fridge.

It might feel like translating into a different language for a wee while, but it's just ordering your thoughts and it avoids the fights.